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J.B. Rift Establishes Dictatorial Micronation after All-Star Snub


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TORONTO--Legion goaltender J.B. Rift had one heck of a season.


With 47 wins, a .927 save percentage, and a 2.30 goals against average, the all-star led the league in each of these three categories, exhibiting pure dominance throughout.


Except for one thing--you know how I said he was an all-star? Yeah, no.


That determination was left up to the players and managers of the VHL, who placed two goaltenders in the game through the all-powerful choice of GM voting and furthermore democratically elected perfectly-respectable-but-as-far-as-this-season-goes-not-as-good-as-Rift netminders Alexander Pepper and Brick Wahl by a wide margin--after all was said and done, Wahl, the closest contender above Rift, had almost 150% of his votes (wow, that's a long sentence. I've got to stop doing that).


Rift, understandably, was not incredibly happy with the collective decision of the league. "You know, after we got knocked out of the playoffs, I thought I'd at least have something to look forward too. But I guess not; the league decided they'd rather see someone FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY."


His offseason plans don't include the All-Star Game, but that certainly doesn't make them interesting. "I've decided to declare independence from the Canadian government, because this league makes me hate democracy," he said in a separate interview done via video call. "My apartment is now a micronation known as El Gran Valle del Rift, and I am its Overlord Supreme."


When asked for details, Rift was happy to elaborate. "I've done everything I can to establish my own national identity. I've got strict border patrol and just yesterday I did a background check on the pizza delivery guy. Our national flower kind of depends on my mood, but our national anthem is "All Star" by Smash Mouth and our national animal is a circus monkey."



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