The Funk Doktor's Guide to Building a Character

[DoktorFunk 810]

 

The Funk Doktor's Guide to Building a Character

 

 

Hi there! I’ve been here in the VHL for probably about as long as Gustav was when he made his first article on how to build an effective player. I’d like to lend you my expertise. So far, my character has been incredibly average, so I would like to show you how you can achieve the same level of greatness that I did. This will be borrowing the same format of build guide that Gustav’s does, for the purposes of being absolutely absurd.

 

PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS ADVICE SERIOUSLY. IT COULD CRIPPLE YOUR CHARACTER.

 

 

 

STATTTTTTSSSS!!!!

 

 

Checking: Slamming your big ol’ body (or booty) into another boy. When you want to get frisky and down and dirty more often, upgrade this stat. Really good for when you’re in the club.

 

Fighting: Most important stat if you’re over 6’4”. It’s importance cannot be overstated. Hockey is a game about fighting, and scoring goals is secondary. I made a player that was below 6’4”, so I was screwed and had to focus on making a player that could score. Basically, if you want to be a large lad or an absolute unit, put points into this.

 

Discipline: Polar opposite of Fighting, so who cares? It’s not fun being good, anyway. Not even actually sure if this helps people at all.

 

Skating: Upgrading this will make your player do more fancy figure skating routines on the ice. Can be fun to read about in the post-game summaries.  

 

Strength: Helps you get jacked, brother. Mostly just makes you feel good about yourself and your self-esteem. Don’t you already feel better?

 

Puck Handling: Handle my puck, daddy. Puck handling makes your player really good at juggling pucks with their bare hands.

 

Face-offs: The more you upgrade this, the more your player will watch the movie “Face-Off” starring John Travolta and Nicholas Cage. My player, being a centre, went from barely ever watching the movie to having a flat-screen visor in front of him while he plays to watch it the whole time he’s on the ice.

 

Passing: How effective you are at reliably passing a joint or brewski from one player on the ice to another. If you’re worse at it, your teammates might become mad that you’re “bogarting” whatever illicit substance you may be consuming. Don’t be a dick, bro.

 

Scoring: Ah yes, the goal of life. Scoring affects how good you are at getting laid. I have 99 scoring, so I’m swimming in women and men all the time, and you can be, too. That being said, please get yourself tested for STI’s as often as possible if you choose to upgrade this (that itch never goes away).

 

DEFENSE: Defense isn’t important.

 

Penalty Shot: Second most useful stat, bar none. Make sure to make this your second priority.

 

Leadership: Third most important, because your team is going to be needing an Alpha leader to take over the ice from the opposition. Nut up or shut up.

 

And last but not least, please put all the money you ever get from your contracts into experience. Experience is the most important stat because you can basically buy it to win. In other words, the Victory Hockey League is basically a pay-to-win game.

 

 

*Decision Making Formula: I really couldn’t tell you what this means, but I think it has something to do with how attractive you are to whoever you’re trying to score with, or what attack to use against your opponent in a fight on the ice. For example, if I have high scoring, I might be more likely to actually sleep with one of my opponents instead of fighting them. If my fighting is the same amount as my scoring, however, I might be fighting and having sex AT THE SAME TIME. Decide which you want more, and put more in that stat. It’s really that easy.

 

Goalies don’t matter, because they can’t score, but I’ll go over them anyways.

 

Size: Gotta be big. Imagine a whale in a hockey uniform. Now you have the goal you’re shooting for if you’re a goalie. You need to fill up as much of the net as possible, so if you can get plastic surgery to fill up the pipes, do it.

 

Agility: Point is moot if you have size, but agility will let you small pieces of crap actually TRY to stop someone from putting the biscuit in the basket.  

 

Rebound Control: Not sure what this does. I ASSUME it helps you get back on the horse after your player is dumped by their girlfriend. Thanks, Melody. L

 

Style Control: This one is also simple and important. It affects your SWAG. You need SWAG, or you’re basically worthless. The higher you put it, the more luxury clothing, watches, cars, whatever you can name, your player will have.

 

Hand Speed: Gotta have good hand speed. If your hands are slow, you suck. Or, might as well start sucking.

 

Reaction Time: Keep your pimp hand strong. You need to be able to stop any incoming rounds from an opponent’s gun. The streets are mean out here.

 

Penalty Shot: Your ability to kill whoever might incur your wrath.

 

Leadership: Same as above.

 

As for what order to do them in? That’s up to you, but if you want a really mediocre player, upgrade scoring to 99, defense to 99, puck handling to 90, skating to 90, and everything else scatter haphazardly around like you have no idea what you’re doing. If you want to make a good goalie, don’t. There are too many goalies right now and no one cares. You need to be a forward to get anyone to care.

 

So what have we learned? Probably nothing at all, but I had fun writing this, and I hope you had fun reading it. As it stands, I’m actually pretty happy with my build, but, if you somehow thought I was serious this whole time and wanted to take my advice, please read Gustav’s original build guide, as it’s actually really helpful.

 

 

 

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1008 words, claiming for two weeks.

[Nykonax 1,564]

what the fuck

[Gustav 6,407]

3 hours ago, DoktorFunk said:

DEFENSE:

I love the attention to detail...I had it written like this in my guide as well.

 

Wonderful reading.

[Banackock 8,044]

[animal74 1,809]

You got 1000 words out of this??? 

[Renomitsu 934]

Quote

DEFENSE:

REEEEEEEEEEE

[DoktorFunk 810]

Week deux