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Wait what about Scottish?

Jerry Garcia--Houston Bulls--Oliver Kylington (if possible)

HOUSTON--Bulls forward Callum MacElroy has gotten quite a bit of media attention lately, and he seems to be embracing it. Yesterday, MacElroy was contacted by the media for a few comments on the Bulls' long string of games against the Yukon Rush, in which the Bulls have not been particularly impressive but have shown for sure that they deserve recognition as a legitimate contender in their first year of existence. Instead of answering these questions, an animated (and visibly drunk) MacElroy proceeded to give a comprehensive ranking of every VHLM team's name, talking for upwards of ten minutes for each and more than periodically stopping to chug another can of Deuchars. So, without further ado, here's what hockey's favorite Scotsman had to say about his competitors: 8. Halifax 21st It should come as no surprise to any follower of Houston that the team has already developed burning feelings against Halifax, and MacElroy was no exception, coming forward earlier this week with his own negative pre-draft impressions of the city. Here's what MacElroy had to say, in part, about the 21st: "Awe rite, noo thes a body sucks. Whit th' heel is a twenty-first anyway? Ye hae tae explain thes nam tae anyain fa hears it coz nobody knows whit it is. It coods be twenty-first century, twenty-first regiment, twenty-first century schizoid cheil, anythin' at aw. E'en if it's guid it still sucks." 7. Ottawa Lynx Lynx, surprisingly, functions as both the singular and plural forms of lynx (though "lynxes" is actually a valid representation of the plural as well). This wasn't the issue MacElroy had with the name, however. As it turns out, he had done his research on the team before the VHLM draft, and it shows in his lack of appreciation for the name's origins. "Hoo unoriginal can ye gie? Thaur was awreddy a minur league basebaa team called th' Ottawa Lynx. That's loch if we waur called th' Rockets. Th' lack ay creativity haur makes me want tae jump intae th' Hooston River." The Houston River is in Louisiana, but we didn't tell him that. 6. Minnesota Storm At this point, MacElroy offered a very drunk (and surprisingly accurate) criticism of American citizens, no matter their region, and explained just how Minnesota's name is a prime example of the American way of thought. "Thes is whit happens when ye lit americans gab abit weaither. They aw want tae gab abit hoo whaur they bide is sae huir uv a much waur than everythin' else, hoo it's tay hot, tay braw, tay snowy, whatever. Jist swatch at thes name--'ooh, aam frae Minnesota! Swatch at aw uir storms!' Nobody gi'es a jobby." 5. Saskatoon Wild It became clear to us at this point that MacElroy wasn't going to be a fan of many on this list. He disagreed with this name for much the same reason he disagreed with Minnesota's: Western culture. "An' these Canadians, they're jist loch th' Americans. Ye hink they're aw braw syrup-drinkin' fowk, an' 'en when ye gang thaur they're aw loch 'look at uir bonnie Canadian wilderness!' dae Ah caur? nae! Ah jist want tae play some hockey." 4. Philadelphia Reapers MacElroy addressed the VHLM's other expansion franchise with the tiniest bit of respect, but then threw even that out the window as he reflected on what society as a whole might think. "Ah dornt see onie problem wi' thes nam, but nobody cares abit reapers anymair. Sure, back when th' irish didne hae onie tatties, th' nam was sure tae make a causey urchin afraid. But 'en Blue Oyster Cult went an' tauld a' fowk nae tae be scared sae noo nobody is. Thes nam sucks tay noo 'at Ah hink abit it." 3. Yukon Rush In much the same way nobody cares about the name "Reapers," MacElroy says, nobody cares about the name "Rush," though at least it has some sort of significance to the area. "Noo Ah ken 'at back in th' day aw these fowk decided tae freeze themselves inside it tae fin' a bit ay gauld an' gie rich. But hoo mony fowk ur gonnae ken thes? American kids ur gettin' dumber by th' year an' bonnie suin nobody is gonnae min' thes at aw. It's a guid reference, but it ay tooch." 2. Las Vegas Aces MacElroy here had the same issue with this name as he had with Minnesota and Saskatoon, that being an overrepresentation of regional pride, but decided to discount a bit of it due to his own personal interests. "Noo haur we hae mair americans talkin' abit hoo their city is th' best. It's aw th' fowk in las vegas sayin' 'take a swatch at us, we spend mair bunsens than ye!' Ah loch thes nam, thocht. Ah loch gettin' blooter'd an' gettin' laid an' i've awreddy bloon ben mah contract bunsens. Sae Ah can identify wi' thes a body." 1. Houston Bulls MacElroy put his own team at number one, offering a bit of hometown bias and putting an end to an altogether crazy interview. "Noo here's th' greatest nam in th' history ay names. Hooston isnae sayin' 'look, we're Hooston! We hae mair bulls than ye!' 'at woods make nae sense. Americans also ken whit a bull is, ur at leest Ah hiner they're nae glaikit enaw nae tae. When Ah saw thes logo fur th' first time, Ah main hae jumped a kilometer in th' air. It makes ye afraid an' it's perfect fur thes league's scariest team." After McElroy finished this last comment (with his volume rising with each one until he was outright screaming by the end) he passed out drunk on his front porch, and reporters left without any further inquiries.

I would be completely fine with keeping Okposo for the leadership factor if the Sabres weren't paying him $6 million this year. Here's why his contract was a big mistake in the first place: -He had two seasons above 20 goals with the Islanders and was more well-known for being John Tavares' linemate than for putting the puck in the net. -In 4 of his 8 seasons (not counting rookie year) with the Islanders, he didn't manage to play 70 games. -In 2010-2011 he played 38 games and scored 5 times (~11 goal pace for the year) and in 2012-2013 he played 48 games and scored 4 times (~7 goals per 82 games). Both of these should be obvious red flags to any GM. -They signed him to a seven-year, $42 million contract. Since then he's been slightly above average, topping out at 19 goals two years ago and scoring 15 last year. These numbers don't deserve top-line money, and it shows as he isn't on the Sabres' top line, even losing out to Sam Reinhart, who, though he's put up the points this year, never lived up to the expectation of an elite power forward that the team had for him when he was drafted. -He's continued to struggle with injuries, particularly with concussions. Just a few weeks ago he got one from a single punch to the chin--not even to the part of the head containing the brain--and last year he had one that put him in the hospital and ended his season. Now before you say "that's what you have to do to get a player who is a leader at that level," let's compare Okposo with James van Riemsdyk, who was (and continues to be) much more productive than Okposo for similar pay. -James van Riemsdyk signed with the Flyers last year, getting a 5-year contract worth $7 million a year. A bit more than Okposo's, but not as long of a commitment and similar enough in that both are significant investments. -Van Riemsdyk is 6-for-9 in terms of seasons where he played 70 games or more, not counting this ongoing season, of course. Not much difference ratio-wise, but the difference here is his ability to stay healthy. Kyle Okposo has NEVER had back-to-back seasons where he played more than 70 games, and if he hits 70 this year, it will mark the first time he has ever done so. van Riemsdyk, on the other hand, has never not followed a 70-game season with another, a sure sign that any significant injuries of his have not been recurring throughout his career. -Van Riemsdyk's rookie year was the only year in which he played 70+ games and did not score 20 goals. Okposo, on the other hand, is 3-for-5 with these types of seasons. van Riemsdyk has also hit or broken 30 goals twice, which Okposo has never done. -Okposo is 30; van Riemsdyk is 29. Okposo has played two more seasons than van Riemsdyk, so any discrepancies in stats cannot be made up to be due to a difference in experience in favor of van Riemsdyk. Both have a good number of years ahead of them, but both are experienced enough to be leaders. -Both have had 4 seasons at 50 points or more, and, in fact, Okposo has the higher of the two high scores, scoring 69 points back in 2013-14. Furthermore, 3 of these seasons came in his last 3 years with the Islanders...so it was perfectly understandable for him to be a big name in free agency. If you were GM of the Sabres, would you brush aside his injury problems and sign him for $6 million a year for SEVEN YEARS IN A ROW because of this? Possibly. Apparently someone thought this was a good choice, because here he is and here he continues to be. Even if you'd agree with his initial signing, it's impossible to contend that he should still be around in Buffalo for $6 million a year. He had a no-move clause through last year, so it's entirely possible that the team has just been waiting for the right moment to cut him. But there are so many other things you can do with 6 million dollars. ...like scrape together an extra million and sign a player like van Riemsdyk, who's been as good as and arguably better than Islanders Okposo for his entire career. I'm not saying "Let's go out and sign Patrick Kane," or trade for Connor McDavid, or Nikita Kucherov. I'm talking about a player who's just been pretty darn good but doesn't have the "superstar" label that commands millions more than this. We were all excited when Okposo came here--I was too. It's just become apparent that he isn't worth nearly as much as he's being paid, and paying someone who pretty much used to be James van Riemsdyk just isn't the same as...well, paying James van Riemsdyk (or some other equivalent player. He's just the first one that came to mind). If Okposo were paid something like 2 million, even 3 million, I'd be willing to let it slide and keep him for the experience he has and the leadership he'd bring here. But 6? No thanks. Get someone who's worth it. I hope this clears things up.

When we click on summary Houston is listed as Retired/FA. WE DEMAND RECOGNITION FOR OUR TEAM NAME. Oh, and let's hear it for Jurri.

Sign a few veterans. The team is all young guys and has been for a while. Cut Okposo. Though I hate to say it we could do without Pominville as well if he's taking up significant cap space Fire Housley. I've never been able to take him seriously as a coach. SIGN JEFF SKINNER IMMEDIATELY. He's been great for not only Eichel but Reinhart as well. Start picking forwards who can score. We have our defenseman in Dahlin and Montour is a proven starting-caliber player. Draft another goalie with potential--Luukonen is looking pretty good but is no guarantee. I'm tired of hearing for the past 5 years about how our prospect pool is great but nothing ever happens. Again, this team absolutely needs to go out and spend big money on somebody who is a proven leader in this league. I don't care what we have to give up. It's unfair to just throw our rookies and prospects in with a few other inexperienced players and expect them to become team leaders with a group of people they don't even know yet. As a fellow Buffalo fan, I feel you. Let's get that cup sometime in the next 50 years or so.

D-Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen @solas

D-Paolo Nano @Velevra

"WHEN AH WAKE OP WELL AH NO AHM GONAE BE AHM GONAE BE DA MON WHO WAKES UP NEXT TAE YOU" The Proclaimers' greatest hit was blasting out of Callum MacElroy's locker in Houston yesterday, and MacElroy was singing along at the top of his lungs. Still, he agreed to an interview, albeit through a gigantic mouthful of haggis. MacElroy, the second-year forward from Scotland, was asked the usual--if he expected to be in Houston, if he was happy to be in Houston, what he thought of the team so far, you know the drill. But when asked if any city in particular stood out to him, he had an interesting answer. "Ah hud a feelin' ah was gonnae Hooston, but thooght ah micht check it aw th' other VHLM cities an aw," said MacElroy, discussing his pre-draft plans. Due to his strong personal connection with Houston's general manager, Alexander Pepper, MacElroy fully believed he was headed to Houston, and indeed that turned out to be the case. But he still had a bit to say about another city. "Ah visited Halifax an' hated it," said MacElroy. "Ah dunnae kin hoo ye Westerners hink that's a real city. It's much tae wee an' it smells loch auld goat's milk. There's naethin' interestin' thaur an' aw th' folk swatch loch they're fed up it ay their heids ur loch they want tae kill ye." Representatives from the Halifax 21st could not be reached for further comment.

HORNS UP

Jerry would have been very happy with any team, and, as the Bulls kept their interest in him secret, he had no idea that they were the team who would eventually pick him. As such, had he not been selected or signed, he likely would have stayed in Phoenix as it was the only place he could train as long as he wanted for free. Good luck with Davos and congrats on your first VHL point!

3rd review, I know. Many apologies.

Sorry--I think I did that on another one or two earlier. Consider me notified.

Review--First of all, very nice job highlighting Wendy's childhood struggle to be seen as a legitimate athlete as a girl. You managed to make it a significant event without having it take over the entire story. The storyline is good and it makes a lot of sense--doesn't jump around too much and highlights everything. I agree what everyone's saying about having more spacing between your paragraphs, though I was very guilty of this in my bio as well. Nice job saving 63 of 67 against us in that preseason game by the way.

Review--Nice! Would have liked to see a bit more about how the VHLM found out about your player, or if he ever did anything specific to get noticed. Kind of jumps straight to him being picked up. Still better than my bio though...reads a good deal cleaner and is formatted better. Overall a great job; enjoy the positive feedback from everyone because you deserve it.

Review--Pretty good! In the future, it might help your case to copy and paste into Word and run spell check; you had a few typos in there. Also, your paragraphs were huge blocks of text...try breaking up what you're saying more. You're a good enough writer that, if you consciously hit the enter key where it might make sense, what you write will come off as a natural conversation rather than a lecture. However, certainly nothing I haven't been guilty of myself. I like the quotes from the people who lived with your player. They add a certain "outside perspective" to the story. I honestly wish I'd thought of that as my bio is just my player talking about himself. Loving how you factored Rick into the story--we've all been through those times where we "needed someone" more than anything and you expressed this perfectly.

F-Veran Dragomir

Sorry, I'm new to this and only have the list of top scorers from last season. Does this mean I don't get this pick or can I still pick someone?

D Jacob Smith @solas

Seattle 3-2

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