WHAT THE FUCK JARDY WHY DIDN'T YOU SIM YESTERDAY LIKE YOU PROMISED?
Well, I'd like to preface this by saying that if I had to make up the single most Fong-approved story I could think of, it would sound quite a bit like this. But this is real life.
I'd also like to preface this story by saying I'm not blaming MapFreak. He did his job in a reasonably timely manner. I messaged him at 3:00pm asking if he was able to update everyone, and he replied that he was working on it, and he got it done by 5:30pm. If he had no life I would have started playoffs at 3:00pm that day, but alas.
In the meantime, it was at exactly 5:30pm that my best friend picked me up from my house. I needed to catch a ride with him back to the farm. He was going back to our hometown for the high school grad party, of all things, because he's very good friends with one of the grad's family, and the grad's brother came out from BC to attend the party, so he didn't want to be the only old person drinking there (22).
Anyway, he had to go back to his place in the city to shower and get ready yet, then to his mom's place in a town neighbouring ours to drop some shit off. So we didn't end up getting home until around 9:00pm, at which point he's like, "Hey, wanna come pre-drink with us?" I thought, "I probably shouldn't, but it would be amusing to get a bunch of 17 year olds drunk," so I agreed to it.
So we're at the grad's house (who from now on I'll refer to as the Nidorans), and we're having a few beer, when they get a call from their cousin saying that he won't be able to make it to the grad party. Now, this boy already paid for his ticket and drinks, so now my friends are like, "DUDE YOU SHOULD TOTALLY COME TO THE GRAD PARTY." And I'm like "Motherfucker I was too old for the last grad party I was at, and that was three years ago." "But that $45 of ticket and whiskey are going to go to waste!" Fuck. Checkmate, friends. How can I pass up getting pissed for free with a bunch of teenagers? So I end up getting roped into that. Before we go to the party we share a joint, and play some beer pong with underage kids, it was a grand little time, and also kind of funny because five hours earlier my other optional ride to the farm from the city was with a cop.
I was p bombed. And that became even more so when I got to the party. The thing is, I was expecting all the kids to shun me as a creepy weirdo, because I was 5-7 years older than the lot of them, and I was just being a drunk silly and imparting drunk wisdom on their stupid teenage brains. And they probably did shun me, deep down, yet it was a lot of fun, and they were all responding very well to me.
So I was largely going around trying to hook up single boys and girls, because I love child porn. And the thing is, some of these teens are hot. Like fucking certified jailbait. And I know better. But as I kept punishing those whiskeys, my judgement starting getting pretty ambiguous.
Now, I'm not such a loser that I would actively go up to teenage girls and try to wheel them. That's kind of fucking weird. But as I was playing matchmaker, this one hobbit girl who I was trying to hook up with hobbit boys and her hot Asian friend (whose family owns the Chinese restaurant in town) start flattering me. And I have a soft spot for ego boosts, as many of you know from my gay bar story. So now I'm inadvertently flirting with a 16 year old Asian girl. But I'm still sober enough to recognize how awful that is. I find hobbit girl her hobbit boy of choice and get the fuck out of there.
Time goes by, I finish my whiskeys, don't really remember what I was doing in the meantime, sun starts coming up, getting pretty close to home time. But oh no, crisis alert! Hobbit girl is on the verge of a breakdown because hobbit boy is talking to other girls. Me and Chinkgirl work to calm her tits -- I know how guys are. "He's just having a friendly chat with her for a few minutes, then he'll come back, and you guys will do your thing." And obviously that's what happened, and so I was left alone with the Asian girl on the "dancefloor." So we're dancing, and I'm feeling pretty weird, but at the same time this girl's hot and she's being flirty and I'm drunk as fuck. And she starts leaning into me close...... But in a somewhat ironic stroke of luck, Brother Nidoran came out of nowhere and told me we were leaving. The kneejerk words out of my mouth were "I can find a ride later," and then I suddenly realized that that's something I would say and care about if I WASN'T on the verge of a potential felony. So I got the fuck out of there. On the ride home I was like, "Fuck Brother Nidoran, you really saved my ass there, I was way too close to making out with that girl. Like I am way too fucking drunk right now," and Father Nidoran, who was driving us was like, "Yeah I'm not gonna lie, that girl is really pretty for her age. We call that jailbait." It was pretty hilarious.
In the end I passed out in the Nidoran tent in their backyard at 5:00am, which is just an awful way to wake up seven hours later when it's suddenly the hottest day of the year. And Mother Nidoran got me a Gatorade and grilled me a cheese. She's the tits.
The End.
tl;dr: I got slowly and progressively roped into partying with teenagers and got so drunk that I came uncomfortably close to making out and/or hooking up with a 16 year old Asian girl.
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