I was in a weird mood [FINAL 6/6]

[pxzero 65]

How to Bet the VHLm (or mad ravings)

 

Outside of March Madness, Black Friday Fatalities numbers and Dog Shows, few events capture the interest of bookies like the VHLm playoffs. It’s one of those events where anything can happen, except injuries and, inexplicably, bench clearing brawls. As a result, the more seasoned VHLm betters know to look at the more obscure phenomenon that can affect the outcome of a match, knowing full well that the play-offs are much more than a simple number crunch bet.

 

Mascots

The first of these signs is mascot health.  Yes, the mascots. In a league where the stars seem to perpetually improve, Newton’s third law suggests that something, somewhere must be perpetually declining. Using my vast sleuthing resources, I have determined that the something is the mascots.  Using a form of wizardry that has been scarcely seen since Cleopatra (you think her beauty was natural?), VHL GMs have been bewitching their mascots in a zero sum game with their star players. Beneath their plushy exteriors, these mascots are actually growing old at an alarming rate. If you see a mascot who is actually doing jumping jacks, you can anticipate that the team will not fare as well as the geriatric antics of another mascot, who is pulling his pants down to reveal varicose veins and a diaper along to go with their obvious onset of dementia. This indicator, however, is sometimes skewed, as the GMs of more popular teams can often dupe a young, foolish fan into the outfits with some free tickets.

 

This should await you under that plushie exterior. 

 

Aliens

The next indicator is in the night sky. No, I’m not talking astronomy or astrology or boredom. I’m talking about aliens. It’s been well documented that aliens are a driving force behind the VHL, taking a special interest in the ice conditions of the VHLm. Why would a highly advanced, extra-terrestrial being be interested in ice conditions you’d ask? Simple. For the same reason someone could look at a beautiful model and be interested in their feet. Fetishes are strange things, and not to be insulted - especially when insulting things can get you probed in uncomfortable places. And why would they not stop at Pluto, or a comet to fulfill this particularity? Because this particular fetish involves people skating on the ice after they're done with it. Weird, I know, but I didn’t make this up, so blame the universe that spawned these guys. Okay, so you’ve proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that aliens like ice in the VHLm – how does that affect it?

 

You won't believe what its tongue looks like - or what it can do.

 

First, you have to understand what the aliens do to this ice. They lick it, usually about 6 hours before game time. Oh, and they’re invisible so you can’t see when they do it. What this does to the ice is creates an alternate probability field in the areas that they have licked, which can account for a variety of strange happenings on the ice, like pucks standing on their sides or the Wild inexplicably having a close game with the Rush, who are clearly 2 gud for that nonsense. Now, while the aliens themselves are invisible, these probability fields are especially visible to someone who is under the influence of far too much alcohol, except off coolers because those are for sissies, since the tongue marks then begin to glow with a ghastly blue light. Of course, even such a clear indicator of an on-ice advantage is made difficult to profit by, since, to learn about these alien-licks, you would have to break into the arena, get hammered, examine the ice, and then be sober enough to contact a bookie and make an informed decision.  But gambling is always a little bit of a risk.

 

Dragons

The last and final indicator of an obvious VHL win is the presence of a dragon on the bench. While this signifier is usually seen too late for any meaningful betting, as the game has already started, having a magical, fire breathing beast tends to tip a game in the team’s favor. However, dragons are fickle and don’t exactly like having to skate, except that one with three heads, but that dragon isn’t as good at hockey as say, Kur or Typhon, and happens to have two too many heads for it to matter.

 

Look how imposing I am. Also, I play hockey.

 

There is also a rumour that a lack of “renter’s insurance” can affect a VHLm game, but that crazy myth has yet to be validated. 

 

Now that you know all the insiders secrets, happy betting, and don't drink too much, because I want some. 

Edited January 26, 2015 by pxzero

[eaglesfan036 4,605]

This is so weird and I love it

[BOOM 8,817]

Dragons...how very Skyrim.

[Edgar 283]

Yep... you did not disappoint me

[Banackock 8,141]

This is so weird and I love it

 

[DollarAndADream 3,357]

Content: 3/3 - Great article. Interesting read. I know for a fact that Quebec is down 2-0 to New York in the VHL because of aliens.

 

Grammar: 2/2 - Just a couple of things, but nothing really. First one I feel is just my opinion and the second one doesn't count.

 

"What this does to the ice is creates" - should be "ice is it creates"

"who are clearly 2 gud for that nonsense" - "2 gud" should be too good. I know it was on purpose but I have to note it because it's there.

 

 

Appearance: 1/1 - Good layout and use of pictures. Can't complain.

 

Overall: 6/6 - Fantastico!