Claimed: Annoyance Analytics Edition 1 "Introductory Fuck You"

[BluObieZ 1,125]

Do you feel that? How the shit clings to the air? How the heat hits you in the face like a load does since you like to be on your knees. Well it’s that magical time of the year? Wait no… it’s been way over a year since I last made one of these. It’s that time where I Robbie Zimmers feels like telling you the GM of your little VHL team where you stand on the list of where I would like to have my next superstar client play. As you know his name is Ko Kane and he will be an absolute beast. Do not look to the VHLM to see how good he is because he will not play in that dead corpse of a league. He was released. So without further stalling for word count here we go.

 

The way the list works is I score each category out of 100. 0 being the lowest score you can get. Then through a non-complex algorithm it adds it all up for a total final score. The way it adds it up is GM+Team+Location-Hate+Love-RFOF-UFA+Draft+Sign=Total Score.  So let’s get started.

 

 The team that comes in first on the list is…

 

The New York Americans. Why? Is it because I moved them to New York all those years ago? I don’t really know but I can never really hate this franchise. I don’t mind the GM, the team I honestly don’t know who is on it. As I said before for this one I did not really do research, but I highly doubt they have a shitty team. Location almost gets the full hundred but lose one point for not being Las Vegas or Colorado. I nor my client hate the team but do not “love” it either. I guess you can say I feel my players should play for the team because my history with it. RFOF (Robbie Fuck Over Factor) Is pretty low but everything has at least 1 percent chance of happening. Ko Kane would most likely stay with the team past his entry level due but have to give it about thirty percent chance of him leaving. They can pretty much put Ko Kane on their draft board he will sign with no problem and they have a better than fifty percent chance of Ko Kane signing as a UFA. For a grand total and almost perfect score of 359.

 

Cologne is up next. Why? Because V2A plays for them. Plus the GM is a great guy. He will build a great team. Sure maybe a little guidance along the way. I actually scored the team lower then I should because I could have gave them a hundred just because of V2A. I am very meh about the location and feel they should move. No hate but no love either. My fuck over factor is pretty low because of my loyalty to the team which is also why I most likely will not leave as a UFA. Which is the reason why they should and need to draft Ko Kane. But if they do not draft them the location and lack of love affects me wanting to sign there as a free agent.  They come in at a 297.534 and no I do not round up.

 

Calgary. I respect the GM but do I respect the process? I don’t know and I don’t care. Zero knowledge of who is on the team so meh. Calgary is nice and all but it’s not Vegas. No hate but minimal love. RFOP is not high but it’s not low. If you knew doing something that would help you now but in three years there was a twenty five percent chance that it may fuck you over would you do it? But once on the team Kane would most likely not leave via UFA. Calgary can pretty much draft Kane and laugh at the teams that cannot… But don’t laugh so hard buddy. If you do not draft Kane you pretty much have a 50/50 chance to sign him if he hits the open market. Calgary gets a score of 259.988

 

Riga. Okay this is getting fucking long. I still have another one to write before midnight. I pretty much want to play for Riga because of TLO. Me and him make great team mates and the locker room benefits off that. But don’t get too cocky Riga because the fuck over factor is pretty god damn high. You can draft Kane but you would have to take him early to appease his ego. Not drafting him will affect him wanting to sign with you. Your score is 206.014.

 

Helsinki. Great fucking GM. Not to mention me and DT are cool atm, till he loses his mind again and I have to put him in his place. I have been to Helsinki a few times both for enjoyment and business and I don’t like it much. Which brings up the Fuck Over Factor up really high and the chances of me leaving via UFA should concern you. If you want to draft Kane or sign him you should probably message me first. Your score is 179.602

 

 

Davos. I pretty much like you because your GM. I have no interest in your team, location or anything. One thing going for you is that I feel I have some left over business because the way SWC3 left town. Which is a plus? I guess. The fuck over factor is high but it’s manageable. High forties for drafting me and signing me should make you smile but a forty four percent chance I leave as UFA should scare you. Your score is 110.997

 

Toronto. . I live in the city so that holds so sentimental value I guess? I don’t know, but I also hate the city a fair bit because of the real life hockey fans that are just plain fucking dumb. I hate the Leafs so very much. High scores across the board but that includes high negative scores, but you cannot take with positive without the negative. Whatever that means. Your score is 101.998

 

Quebec. I highly doubt I end up playing here. I actually am shocked they are in the green. Most in part due to my ignorance and did not do research. I do not like Quebec the city or the province. I’m pretty much in awe that this team made it to green. Fully expect them to be red next week. Your surprising score is 34

 

Seattle. I never ever liked playing for this team. No matter who was the GM I would look to fuck the team over. I tried this time around with V2A but the whole VHLM shit soured me and I was traded. THANK FUCK! Do not draft me or try to sign me. It will not happen. Expect the score to be lower next week. Your score right now is -21.28

 

Stockholm. The GM is an absolute imbecile. Stockholm has a history of absolutely sucking and trust me he will continue that tradition. I can totally rip the team and him but you know what. Fuck it. Stockholm is the shit of the league. The gutter. I would have to be hopped up on some magical drug to want to play here. Your score is the lowest it can go. -300. Fuck you!

 

Till next week people. Fuck off.

 

For V2A

Edited August 6, 2017 by BobertZ

[Gudnason 607]

Classic lol... but you smoking some cocaine bud? TLO and Riga wtf?

[hedgehog337 3,483]

8 minutes ago, punkhippie said:

TLO and Riga wtf?

 

He was playing in Riga in a S51 cup run.

[Gudnason 607]

15 minutes ago, hedgehog337 said:

 

He was playing in Riga in a S51 cup run.

 

He makes it seem like TLO is still on Riga...

[BluObieZ 1,125]

Once again in did not do research. Next week after a bit more research next week rankings will change lol. Which won't be hard cause I zero research for this. I just put what I thought about each team. I thought homo was on riga

[DollarAndADream 3,357]

Hey, man, I run Toronto now. We do not associate ourselves with those Maple Leafs!

[Smarch 3,194]

not in the negatives, take that and run with it

[Da Trifecta 1,902]

LOL at putting me in my place

[Bushito 1,945]

Need to change name of player to Butthurt. My child has never once thrown a hissy fit as big as this. So tempting to draft you with my first pick, or second since you'll likely still be there.

[Gudnason 607]

11 minutes ago, Bushito said:

Need to change name of player to Butthurt. My child has never once thrown a hissy fit as big as this. So tempting to draft you with my first pick, or second since you'll likely still be there.

 

Wait until he refuses to sign a entry-level contracts and sits out three years or something. Joke's then on you for wasting such a precious pick. But then I doubt you would draft Keller anyways. 

[Bushito 1,945]

16 minutes ago, punkhippie said:

 

Wait until he refuses to sign a entry-level contracts and sits out three years or something. Joke's then on you for wasting such a precious pick. But then I doubt you would draft Keller anyways. 

Jokes on me? Wasting a second round pick, one of my 4 to have him sit his first three years. It would hurt him more than me but regardless it was a joke, I'm far less petty than you two.

[Gudnason 607]

Just now, Bushito said:

Jokes on me? Wasting a second round pick, one of my 4 to have him sit his first three years. It would hurt him more than me but regardless it was a joke, I'm far less petty than you two.

 

You said first pick before that... which I assume will be a lottery pick with the situation we are in. 

[Bushito 1,945]

43 minutes ago, punkhippie said:

 

You said first pick before that... which I assume will be a lottery pick with the situation we are in. 

Yeah I'll have a top 4 pick and there are 4 players a step above the rest to me. You just missed the part about a second, no biggie. Either way I'm not about screwing anyone over out of spite. You can hate me all you want and so can he. Truth is he loaded up on picks in VHLM before it was illegal and won a cup. Yippy I made teams that won the cup, who gives a fuck, one of them I took a team with a pile of picks and took BPA. I'm not a VHL god and don't claim to be. I'll GM against either of you and do the best I can, we'll see the outcome at some point. I'm mouthy and a cunt sometimes but both of you two are as well, difference is I know who I am and am comfortable while others are self righteous and can't see it.