His back fucking hurts, okay?!

[Banackock 7,654]

Ray in his natural habitat.

 

If you bring your screen within 4 inches of the above gif and study it, what do you see? Some might see a man wearing glorious clothing that act as magnets for women's clothing. Some may add that they see a bright, magnificent brain bucket that keeps his wisdom library loaded and safe. Some may even happen to notice that he could very well indeed be wearing a leash that is tied to a playground structure. Fortunately, this secondary Seattle HQ is hidden in the autonomous section of the city (MOVE OVER CHAZ) formally known as Banaz. Fortunately, both Seattle and Banaz laws allow the tying up of subjects for educational purposes only. What about this could be educational? Well, let me take you down memory lane, hey?

 

S68 Continental Cup Champions

S69 Continental Cup Champions

S71 Continental Cup Champions

 

DA BEARZ

 

Since that beautiful 71 win, we've seen some decent success and manage to keep the ball going. UNFORTUNATELY, we've come to notice something and it's something we've neglected for sometime. We haven't had the best massage team on the Bears the last season because the only back that was working come playoff time was Ray Funk. I joke. I really do, Seattle. But let's be honest here, the man has played some big games. Arguably, I would say the regular season is the Bears time. We have our climbs, our dips, but we always manage to come out of it good. Then, we hit playoffs. Then, USUALLY, Ray Funk takes over. Last playoffs he took off. We said fuck it. We've done our thing, won 3 cups and you know what? Ray could be fucking sleepy, man. But no. He thinks he can take some more time off. Heading into the regular season, Funk is really taking the whole "I am B in regular season, A+ in playoffs" thing to a whole new level and potential could have him ranked B- or even C+ to the right, nasty VHL scout. Take a look and see for yourself. 

 

 

Ray Funk Reg. Season Stats

 

Season	GP	W	L	OTL	SV%	GAA	SO	GA	SA	MP
73 (SEA)	10	5	1	0	0.89	3.9	0	30	273	461
72 (SEA)	65	41	19	3	0.912	2.63	1	169	1920	3861
71 (SEA)	68	40	21	6	0.918	2.36	5	159	1938	4039
70 (SEA)	67	34	24	7	0.916	2.42	3	159	1891	3946
69 (SEA)	65	39	22	4	0.923	2.25	8	146	1896	3897
68 (SEA)	64	38	22	4	0.921	2.42	8	155	1957	3838
67 (SEA)	65	28	29	8	0.913	3.08	2	202	2315	3932
Totals	404	225	138	32	0.916	2.55	27	1020	12190	23974

 

Ray Funk Playoff Stats 

Season	GP	W	L	OTL	SV%	GAA	SO	GA	SA	MP
72 (SEA)	5	1	3	1	0.902	3.56	0	16	163	269
71 (SEA)	17	12	3	2	0.937	1.67	2	30	474	1074
70 (SEA)	11	6	3	2	0.926	2.4	0	27	364	673
69 (SEA)	19	12	5	2	0.924	2.19	1	47	615	1286
68 (SEA)	14	12	1	1	0.935	1.79	3	26	400	870
Totals	66	43	15	8	0.928	2.10	6	146	2016	4172

 

BABA Oogaboogazu... WE SUMMON YOU!

A few seasons back, we performed a ritual against Moscow and were crowned victorious champions, hoisting the continental cup. I embrace the fact that we have to welcome Baba Oogaboogazu back to the Seattle Bears as an special specialist. In this role she will be conducting special services to their members of the organization, however, her main focus and task at hand at the moment is going to be fixing Ray Funk and ending this shit slump he's caught up in. STAY TUNED FOR MORE.

 

Spoiler

No @Rayzor_7's were hurt in the making of this VHL.com article. This stunt was performed by a trained professional under appropriate supervision of members in the locker room and should not be tried at home unless in your own locker room under appropriate supervision. 

 

 

 

Edited July 27, 2020 by Banackock

[fonziGG 1,065]

Looking at last seasons playoff performance and this seasons performance so far, I'm sad to say that Rayz might be........ Depreciating

[a_Ferk 760]

[Banackock 7,654]

8 minutes ago, fonziGG said:

Looking at last seasons playoff performance and this seasons performance so far, I'm sad to say that Rayz might be........ Depreciating

Nah, dude. We sacrificing Hogan.

 

[Dil 1,744]

It’s just heroin