Bell Let's Talk

[thadthrasher 1,692]

Given that yesterday was Bell Let's Talk I thought I would share my own experience. Be aware that there is talk of addiction and suicide.

Spoiler

 

As an American I have never heard of this day before. Since joining the VHL I have been learning more and more about what happens up in Canada, and I caught a glimpse of the the Bell Let's Talk Day yesterday in one of the Discord locker rooms. I was reading where one member admitted to having felt suicidal at one point in their life, so I thought I would share a bit.

 

I've mentioned before about the struggles I had growing up in a home where my mother was a drug dealer. I would watch as she would sell and use meth, but I never saw her make it. She would often do this in her bedroom or our basement. No matter where she made it though, my brother and I were in danger. 

 

As I grew up and noticed that this behavior from my mother was not normal I began to realize that something was wrong. I needed out, and I needed out fast. So, about halfway through my senior year in highschool I decided to join the Pennsylvania Army National Guard. Fast-forward a few months and I was off to Basic Training at Fort Jackson, South Carolina. It was here that I began thinking about proposing to my at-the-time girlfriend. I also started connecting the dots with what was going on with my mother, and after talking to a few of the guys in my barracks, came to the conclusion that she was an addict. But, all of that aside, Basic Training put me in the best physical, mental, and spiritual health that I had ever been in. I was feeling strong on all fronts of life, and I was eager to get home to start working in my career.

 

Near the end of my training I discovered that I had some issues with my feet. The doctor at Fort Jackson that I saw recommended that I have my family doctor take a look when I got home. So, after coming home I went to my doctor and it turned out that I was having a growth issue in my feet and that I would need corrective surgery. Luckily, my girlfriend was by my side, supporting me...until she wasn't.

 

A few months after returning home, and only a few days before surgery, my girlfriend dumped me. We had been together for a few years, and this came out of nowhere, and it hurt. It made the surgery worse, and the healing horrendous. Here I was, in the best physical shape of my life, used to running around and being active, stuck in my bed with my foot in a cast and a broken heart. The doctors had given men Percocet for the pain. At first I took the medicine as needed, but I quickly fell in love with the way that it made me feel. Instead of taking 1 pill every 4-6 hours as directed, I would take 2 pills every 2-3 hours, and it got worse from there. As I was doing this and weeping over my newly broken heart, I realized that none of my friends had even been by to visit or check in on me after my surgery. I felt alone, isolated, broken, and worthless. I wasn't sleeping, or eating, and the weight of the world was crashing around me. Then, as I began to stock up on my medicine to take more than I should, I realized something in my head, "I'm becoming just like my mother."

 

That thought was enough to break me. I decided in that moment that it was time for me to end it all. I wasn't going to bear this pain anymore, and I wasn't going to live in isolation. I emptied the pills into my hand, maybe 25 or 30 of them, and I decided I was going to swallow them all. As I raised my hand up to my mouth and the first pill touched my lips, something happened. Take it as you will, but I believe in that moment that God spoke to me. It wasn't in words or any audible noise, but a feeling. I felt an overwhelming sensation in my heart that was recognizably something divine, and I knew that it was God. In that moment, every pain, every desire of death, every drive to end it all was gone.

 

I put the pills away, and after my mom offered to sell them for money I hid them and turned them into the pharmacy as soon as I could. And, since then, I haven't had any suicidal thoughts.

 

----

 

I share this story with you because I know that life is hard right now for many. The pain of the world doesn't stop just because we think it will. It doesn't go away when we fill the void with alcohol, drugs, sex, or anything else. I choose to fill this void with worship of God, and it helps me tremendously. But, my point here isn't to try and convert anyone, it's to say this...

 

Your pain is recognized by me. Your heartache, struggles, and depression are real, and I see that.

 

But...

 

Suicide is not the answer, and it never will be.

 

As a part of this community, you are valued here. There are people here who care about you, want to see you do well, and will always be here for you when you need something or someone to talk to. Don't ever feel that you have to weather the storms alone, many of us here are willing to stand in the rain with you. Please, if you ever feel that you are at a place where suicide is the only answer, reach out for help. There is no shame, ever, in asking for help.

 

#BellLetsTalk

 

 

 

Edited January 29, 2021 by thadthrasher

[Kachur 112]

Thank you for you honesty, for being so forthright. @thadthrasher

Ive been at that point and its scary. thankfully I had the VHL and other people around me at the time. 

I'm glad god spoke to you, as he did me once upon a time. Suicide is a very real thing that happens instantly and im glad you are here to tell your story. maybe one day ill be as brave as you.

Thank you and if you or anyone ever needs anything I'm a DM away

#YouAreLoved 

[Kachur 112]

[fishy 1,757]

It hurts my heart every time I hear that other people feel or have felt this way. Thanks for putting the text in a spoiler with a tw, but thank you also for sharing. You have no idea of the impact this post can have on folks. I'm glad you're here

[Bobo 514]

I shed a tear after reading this. Hell, I had recreated the 5 great lakes. It’s so heartbreaking to see this happen to another fellow VHLer. I’m always here if you need somebody to talk to. I’m so glad you did not take your life on that day. You’re an amazing human being. Have a nice day, and thanks for sharing your story with us Thad.

Edited January 29, 2021 by dariusmarimotoman

[Quik 4,113]

Thanks for sharing your experience Thad!

 

Spoiler

 

It's definitely something that people need to be able to talk about. I've had close personal experience with it, which I'm sure many here have, and suicide leaves a very large trail of broken people that people may not realize when the thought comes into their heads.

 

The hurt, confusion, frustration, anger and immense sadness/emptiness that is left behind is very real and extremely difficult to cope with, especially for people who may not be equipped to tackle those feelings.

 

While I loathe the term that suicide is a permanent solution to a "short-term" problem, because mental health is very much an ongoing issue that needs to be monitored and cared for continuously, it very much is a permanent solution to a problem that can be solved by opening up and working towards a better solution, and better days.

 

 

Michael Landsberg's foundation says it best, Mental Illness is an illness like any other, and it makes you sick, not weak!

 

If anyone reading this is struggling, I definitely urge you to reach out, whether it's to someone here like myself, or thad, or any number of members who you may have a close relationship with, or to a professional help service, please, I promise that there can, and will, be better days ahead!

 

Canadian Crisis Services

Kids Help Phone

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA)

 

List of Crisis Hotline sites worldwide

[Juice 641]

Mental Health is something that hits close to my heart, so it's a good thing to be open about these things to let people know they aren't alone.

 

When I read about Thad's past, I personally reached out to Thad to say my thanks for opening up despite me myself not wanting to do the same.

 

However, over a few hours of contemplation, I realized that if reading Thad's story helped me not feel alone knowing that someone I know and respect has gone through somewhat similar trauma, that maybe opening up isn't a bad thing and that somebody else could read my story and feel similar.

 

Spoiler

While some of you might have heard and know, I've done quite the move as I went from the Yukon in Canada to Budapest Hungary (which made it quite easy to make a unique player as I can give some personal reflection). Now while I've said the truth behind why I came here, being that I backpacked Europe and I really wanted to move here and I just up and did it, there is some extra background to this.

 

Growing up North is not that easy, and the kids had quite the ammo against me. From being absurdly short to being adopted, I was bullied my entire childhood to the point of developing a major social anxiety that to this day I still struggle with. Because of this, videogames and the internet really was my only solace and getaway from the real world. This caused some stress on my family as to this day I'm constantly told by them, "I can't believe you moved to Europe! You used to be stuck in your room all the time!". While nobody really understood me, I always had my Mom. While she also didn't understand, she accepted me for who I am and what I liked to do. Being a single mom, she raised me by herself for my entire life and while she really didn't understand computers and technology she always let me pursue it. We had our share of fights, but we always had an unspoken love for each other.

 

As I grew older and entered highschool, things really went down hill and got worse for me. I struggled hard with depression and anxiety, I had multiple family member deaths, and we found out that my Mom had severe kidney failure. Whilst we knew about it previously, it got to the breaking point where she needed a kidney transplant. Thankfully my aunt was able to donate her kidney to my Mom, and things started to look a lot brighter. However, after awhile of recovery in the hospital and returning home, several months later my Mom suffered a stroke. A really bad stroke. She came home from work and she didn't seem right and we ended up calling the ambulance. It turned out that she was suffering from pneumonia and on the way to the hospital she went into cardiac arrest and had to be resuscitated several times and suffered a stroke somewhere in between. Our hospital was not equipped to handle this type of issue, and as the closest related person I had to be the one to give the decision to either A) Leave her in the hospital there and hope she gets better, or B) Risk the emergency flight to Vancouver to get properly treated, but there was a risk that things could get complicated on the flight. I instantly went for the latter option as I knew things would not get better there, but having to make such an important decision like that really messed with my head for a long time.

 

Over a long period of time and traveling back and forth from the Yukon down to Vancouver to visit my Mom in the hospital and through years of physio therapy and getting better, my Mom was able to recover slowly from the stroke and the complications. However, during the recovery process she had to have a surgery and the doctors had ended up making a mistake which caused a major issue in my Mom's leg that caused her from there on out to have to use a wheelchair and/or a walker. She was a trooper however, and she had the strength and courage to push through the pain to try to live a normal life as much as she could despite this complication with her leg and recovering from her stroke and her kidney transplant. Despite all these complications, my Mother still was able to run two businesses and be a foster parent as well as raise me. She was an absolute role model to everyone around her.

 

During this time though, things got worse personally. As mentioned above, I am adopted and around my 18th birthday I was informed that my birth mother had committed suicide. I had gotten in contact with her and we started talking over email, and a few months of communication she sent me a long email talking about how I shouldn't call her "Mom" or think of her as the person who gave birth to me and a few days later we got the call about her passing. Although I was in shock for awhile, it really cut deep to me that I felt I played some sort of part in her decision. My mind started to not have any mercy on me due to this, and with the issues surrounding my Mom's medical issues, my endless loneliness, and not feeling like I had anything but pain and misery for years, by the time I was 20 years old I had 7 years of deep depression. One night after coming home from work, something just snapped in me. I just knew that life had nothing good for me, and why bother getting up to go to my dead end job the next day? I took a bunch of tylenol and anti-depressants and blacked out. I woke up 48 hours later in the hospital and was informed I went through some severe organ failure and I was lucky to still be here. Through a stay in the mental hospital and lots of therapy, things actually started to look up! I was happy for once and felt like I had both purpose and drive to be better than that darkest part of my life.

 

However, one year to the date of my attempted suicide, the last step for my Mother to get her back to as close to normal as possible would be to get her hopefully last surgery to fix her leg so she wouldn't have to suffer walking. During this time, I saved up the money and was on my way to move to Victoria to go to the University of Victoria. The timing matched up and I was able to match up me moving to Victoria with me seeing my Mom after her surgery. Due to some purely devilish timing, I flew down to Vancouver, went straight from the airport to the hospital, and as I entered into the ICU and entered her room to see my Mom after her surgery, she flat lined and passe away right then and there. The shock, followed by the pain is something to this day still unimaginable. I went into such a deep depression for several months where it was such an entire blur that I really don't remember anything as my brain completely shut-off.

 

The one thing that kept me going was that my friends really, really, really pushed me to come with them backpacking Europe. After a few months of isolation and being stuck inside my head, I really said, "Eh, fuck it" and decided to join them. Through three months of constant traveling, I really fell in love with the idea of moving here. I think a big part was a mental escape from my past and to start anew, but it's a decision I don't regret in the slightest. I have a stable relationship, a really well paying job, I've gained a lot of confidence, and overall I feel like I've shaped into someone I can finally start to respect.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I know that there is a lot to unpack and read above, however if you did get this far please know that it does get better. Things may feel like they are getting worse, and worse, and worse to the point where you don't know where else to go and what to do. But suicide is never the answer any time for any reason. Your situation may not improve right away after the most darkest parts of your life, but over time and with work, you can get to a point where at the very least you will feel stable where you can then work towards happiness.

 

But most of all, please know that you are not alone. Reach out to someone you trust, or even to someone that you feel like would understand and listen. There will always be someone that will take the time to be there for you. The hardest part with depression is the motivational push to do something you know might make you feel better, but not having the energy to do it. Please, for your own future happiness, make that push.

 

#BellLetsTalk

 

[thadthrasher 1,692]

15 hours ago, Juice said:

Mental Health is something that hits close to my heart, so it's a good thing to be open about these things to let people know they aren't alone.

 

When I read about Thad's past, I personally reached out to Thad to say my thanks for opening up despite me myself not wanting to do the same.

 

However, over a few hours of contemplation, I realized that if reading Thad's story helped me not feel alone knowing that someone I know and respect has gone through somewhat similar trauma, that maybe opening up isn't a bad thing and that somebody else could read my story and feel similar.

 

  Reveal hidden contents

While some of you might have heard and know, I've done quite the move as I went from the Yukon in Canada to Budapest Hungary (which made it quite easy to make a unique player as I can give some personal reflection). Now while I've said the truth behind why I came here, being that I backpacked Europe and I really wanted to move here and I just up and did it, there is some extra background to this.

 

Growing up North is not that easy, and the kids had quite the ammo against me. From being absurdly short to being adopted, I was bullied my entire childhood to the point of developing a major social anxiety that to this day I still struggle with. Because of this, videogames and the internet really was my only solace and getaway from the real world. This caused some stress on my family as to this day I'm constantly told by them, "I can't believe you moved to Europe! You used to be stuck in your room all the time!". While nobody really understood me, I always had my Mom. While she also didn't understand, she accepted me for who I am and what I liked to do. Being a single mom, she raised me by herself for my entire life and while she really didn't understand computers and technology she always let me pursue it. We had our share of fights, but we always had an unspoken love for each other.

 

As I grew older and entered highschool, things really went down hill and got worse for me. I struggled hard with depression and anxiety, I had multiple family member deaths, and we found out that my Mom had severe kidney failure. Whilst we knew about it previously, it got to the breaking point where she needed a kidney transplant. Thankfully my aunt was able to donate her kidney to my Mom, and things started to look a lot brighter. However, after awhile of recovery in the hospital and returning home, several months later my Mom suffered a stroke. A really bad stroke. She came home from work and she didn't seem right and we ended up calling the ambulance. It turned out that she was suffering from pneumonia and on the way to the hospital she went into cardiac arrest and had to be resuscitated several times and suffered a stroke somewhere in between. Our hospital was not equipped to handle this type of issue, and as the closest related person I had to be the one to give the decision to either A) Leave her in the hospital there and hope she gets better, or B) Risk the emergency flight to Vancouver to get properly treated, but there was a risk that things could get complicated on the flight. I instantly went for the latter option as I knew things would not get better there, but having to make such an important decision like that really messed with my head for a long time.

 

Over a long period of time and traveling back and forth from the Yukon down to Vancouver to visit my Mom in the hospital and through years of physio therapy and getting better, my Mom was able to recover slowly from the stroke and the complications. However, during the recovery process she had to have a surgery and the doctors had ended up making a mistake which caused a major issue in my Mom's leg that caused her from there on out to have to use a wheelchair and/or a walker. She was a trooper however, and she had the strength and courage to push through the pain to try to live a normal life as much as she could despite this complication with her leg and recovering from her stroke and her kidney transplant. Despite all these complications, my Mother still was able to run two businesses and be a foster parent as well as raise me. She was an absolute role model to everyone around her.

 

During this time though, things got worse personally. As mentioned above, I am adopted and around my 18th birthday I was informed that my birth mother had committed suicide. I had gotten in contact with her and we started talking over email, and a few months of communication she sent me a long email talking about how I shouldn't call her "Mom" or think of her as the person who gave birth to me and a few days later we got the call about her passing. Although I was in shock for awhile, it really cut deep to me that I felt I played some sort of part in her decision. My mind started to not have any mercy on me due to this, and with the issues surrounding my Mom's medical issues, my endless loneliness, and not feeling like I had anything but pain and misery for years, by the time I was 20 years old I had 7 years of deep depression. One night after coming home from work, something just snapped in me. I just knew that life had nothing good for me, and why bother getting up to go to my dead end job the next day? I took a bunch of tylenol and anti-depressants and blacked out. I woke up 48 hours later in the hospital and was informed I went through some severe organ failure and I was lucky to still be here. Through a stay in the mental hospital and lots of therapy, things actually started to look up! I was happy for once and felt like I had both purpose and drive to be better than that darkest part of my life.

 

However, one year to the date of my attempted suicide, the last step for my Mother to get her back to as close to normal as possible would be to get her hopefully last surgery to fix her leg so she wouldn't have to suffer walking. During this time, I saved up the money and was on my way to move to Victoria to go to the University of Victoria. The timing matched up and I was able to match up me moving to Victoria with me seeing my Mom after her surgery. Due to some purely devilish timing, I flew down to Vancouver, went straight from the airport to the hospital, and as I entered into the ICU and entered her room to see my Mom after her surgery, she flat lined and passe away right then and there. The shock, followed by the pain is something to this day still unimaginable. I went into such a deep depression for several months where it was such an entire blur that I really don't remember anything as my brain completely shut-off.

 

The one thing that kept me going was that my friends really, really, really pushed me to come with them backpacking Europe. After a few months of isolation and being stuck inside my head, I really said, "Eh, fuck it" and decided to join them. Through three months of constant traveling, I really fell in love with the idea of moving here. I think a big part was a mental escape from my past and to start anew, but it's a decision I don't regret in the slightest. I have a stable relationship, a really well paying job, I've gained a lot of confidence, and overall I feel like I've shaped into someone I can finally start to respect.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I know that there is a lot to unpack and read above, however if you did get this far please know that it does get better. Things may feel like they are getting worse, and worse, and worse to the point where you don't know where else to go and what to do. But suicide is never the answer any time for any reason. Your situation may not improve right away after the most darkest parts of your life, but over time and with work, you can get to a point where at the very least you will feel stable where you can then work towards happiness.

 

But most of all, please know that you are not alone. Reach out to someone you trust, or even to someone that you feel like would understand and listen. There will always be someone that will take the time to be there for you. The hardest part with depression is the motivational push to do something you know might make you feel better, but not having the energy to do it. Please, for your own future happiness, make that push.

 

#BellLetsTalk

 

 

Bro, I really appreciate your honesty and openness here. It's tough to put our walls down and to be open, so thank you for this. I'm hoping that through your sharing others will find hope, courage, and a willingness to be open as well. I'm hoping this new chapter in your life brings you some happiness, peace, and a fresh start! 

[ClapbombsRus 42]

Damn that was great to read and experience, thank you for opening up like that, it’s never easy to bear yourself like that, I appreciate that honesty!