AdamEss

I depreciate all the work yall do.

WOMP!

A single chair sits in the center of a darkened room, only visible via a single light bulb hung over it. It looks unnecessary amounts of dramatic. The light sways slowly back ans forth as the light bulb swings gently for no apparent reason. Into said chair swings a leg and then a whole body as Womp Womp Womp Womp Womp Jr sits down Riker style with a grin on his face and a drink in his bloodied hand. "Well well well. Here we are almost midway through the season and the Watchmen really are looking up. We have been trending upwards as the team gelled. We've been winning games, grabbing points, and reminding teams that we are a force to be reckoned with. And I've gotten out there and proven what I always said. I will take on any opponent absolutely anytime." He salutes with the drink and then takes a sip. "That reference is for the 6 Canadians who might get it. You're welcome. Now, let's talk about what's been happening beyond just the Watchmen hitting our stride. Obviously I've been hitting people. I understand that ti goes without saying but it's always nice to address the elephant in the room. Especially when its that one elephant that killed that lady and then showed up to heckle her funeral and stole the body. That's my spirit animal right there. By now every member of my generation of VHL players knows it. They know what's waiting across the ice for the next however many years until someone decides to turn my witty bullshit into an announcing career. Like all the greats. For now I will cotninue doing what I do. Terrorizing the opponent and beating the snot out of their toughest guys. Or....more than snot I guess...." He lifts his bloody hand and the battered knuckles on it can clearly be seen. It's disgusting, really. Womp chuckles and takes another drink. "But truth is some teams have been caught slacking. I have scored 6 goals and 9 assists. Nice. But, how could you let that happen? Is it a lapse in defense? Did the goalie fall asleep? Did coaching fail you? It's gotta be something. It sure isn't me. I'm not stealthy. I'm not fast. My shot isn't that good. I don't do any fancy boy puck tricks. I rear back and I clap one like its the end of the world. There's no chance that any competent group of players or coaches won't see that coming. Hell, the coach could come on the ice, point out the shot to the keeper, then head back to the bench by the time my shot actually arrives. 6 is just too many and frankly you should be ashamed. Incidentally, its also the Watchmen's exact positive goal differential. So maybe I'm wrong and my grandma slapshot is the secret offensive weapon we've been holding out for all along. I guess it's one of those two. You as an organization are gonna have to figure it out. Just don't let me score. I'm me. I'm going to never let you hear the end of it. Cheers! He raises the glass once more and then takes one mroe drink before silently gliding away into the darkness. Lightbulb still swaying for some damn reason.

"Namaste" Womp Womp Womp Womp Womp Jr. bows before the press corps and smiles for all. "Hello my friends. It is good to see you." The room is silent as the collected reporters process the unexpected calm from one of the loudest players in the VHLE. "Today I must tell you a story in lieu of any questions. My lack of presence as of late has been personal and necessary to clear up many of the unfortunate negatives of my day to day world. There was a moment that changed ever aspect of my being and now that truth stands before you. The journey was arduous and often frustrating but most necessary changes are. I have taken up greater exercise and diet habits, get more sleep than ever before, feel better than I have in years, and rarely drink before 10am anymore. My life has never been as rewarding or peaceful as it now is. I have found my center, my personal balance, and even found Jesus. We had a great night before we parted ways after a lovely dinner and two sensible bottles of organic wine. Jesus Martinez, my old classmate. Wonderful human being and a fantastic barber. Booked three weeks in advance. It was lovely to go back to that boy I once was in Vancouver before life changed me. Before hockey. Before the loss of so many Womps. Before the mill accident that sawed my grandfather in half. He survived just long enough to ask my grandmother to out him in two coffins. Sadly she could not make it to the funeral as she had to work his shifts. Such is life on the great spinning flat ball that is Earth. Never will I forget the words she spoke to me before she too passed from the world. She told me that there was no way that shark could jump that far up to get her. Just goes to show you how often the unexpected finds us. As it found me one afternoon when someone said the immortal words that changed everything. I found you a friend." He beams a smile and looks off for just a moment. "I went over to the TV to see what he meant and that was the first time I saw and heard Ellis Woolfenden. I watched hm and listened to what he had to say and it was that earth shattering moment that spoke to me louder than any before. Only a few moments of hearing him speak to the people, seeing how he handled himself with others really told me all I needed to know. I had to get my life together if people thought I was anything like this insufferable handjob gone wrong. When you get compared to a moldy cheese lump from the back of the crisper drawer at the bottom of the fridge you have two real options. Embrace the fact that you're the type of person even Mr. Rogers would be disappointed n or change. I will forever be indebted to that puckered asshole of a person for showing me exactly what needed to happen. And now....my life is better for it. Thank you for your time and remember that the Watchmen have barely gotten started." He bows again, hands clasped together in front of him, and exits.

Hype lighthouse noises.

Womp Womp Womp Womp Womp Jr makes his way to the press podium in the Bratislava Watchmen press room. He immediately waves away all chatter. "No questions today. Gert used to it. I don't need to tell you that both teams gave 100% and played real hard for the boys and the barn and the sweater and all the horse shit you've heard a thousand times. Your buddies in the M press corp should've warned you, but if for some dumb reason they didn't let me lay it out for you. Fuck anybody who isn't a Watchmen. That's my attitude on the ice from whistle to whistle. I hit. I bust. I break. I slam. I punch. I drop. I am a physical specimen of unchained violence on the ice and I will not stop until my team is done playing. Then I'll use you fucksticks to talk as much shit as humanly possible about my opponents every time it's warranted. Which usually seems to be about once a week later in the week for some cosmic reason I can't explain. Don't worry though. I am gonna sell you some fuckin' newspapers. or subscriptions or whatever shit you're doing to stay afloat now. I am a gold mine of quotable statements, hot takes, one liners, nicknames, jokes, and just straight up fucking dashing charm the likes you don't see anymore. And I am hoping against hope that someone out there in the E is ready to take up my challenge and fight me on the ice. Nobody did it this past year. Cowards across every team. it's not like they weren't throwing down with each other. None of them would touch em though. Guess I made too strong fo an impression the playoffs in S84 when I knocked dude clean out and won the Founder's Cup for Vegas in the same game. So here's the chance for every would be tough bastard floating around the E. Come get you some. Prove you're the best. prove I'm just another prospect who got by smacking on lesser players. Whatever it is you gotta tell yourself, do it. My fists hunger for blood and they cannot be satiated by the weak wills of spineless pretty boys trying to protect their marketable faces. Until YOU stop me I'm going to fuck them up. All of them. All your would be prima dona wingers with their cute little baby dekes and artsy fartsy bullshit shots. Half these fucks look like they think they're stage magicians. Ah now you see the puck, now you don't, I've cleverly disappeared it into your net! Fuck that. They're getting smacked. All you big assholes with your big old slap shots? I will take your little pissant shot right in the chest and star you in the face the entire time. I will maul your defensemen. I will taunt your goalies. I will wheel your bunnies. I will go into scouting meetings and tell your coaches all your flaws and then demand a raise for my services. I am Womp Goddamned Womp Womp Womp Womp Jr, regardless of the opinions of the Province of Ontario on the legal ability to change my name to that. Welcome to the greatest season in the history of the VHLE. Welcome to the Womp Era. Pray that Cthulhu shows you mercy because I sure as hell won't. He turns and leaves with no further statement.

As is the usual way, Womp Womp Womp Womp Womp Jr stands at the media podium and refuses to take questions. Womp: Good news ya sacks of shit. The season's almost over and then I move on to the E and I'm somebody else's problem. In the meantime I'm gonna talk and you're gonna listen and then misquote me. Every one of your readers knows when I say fuck. It's ridiculous that you try to hide it. This ain't 1728 and no fancy ass offended Bishop is gonna have you ex-communicated you spineless twerps. So report it right. Start now. Halifax went down with exactly the level of fight we all knew they had. None. Not only did they lose, but they gave Philadelphia a bye to the finals in the process. Great going there Halifax. I can only hope Philly's been staying sharp in practice since they upset Ottawa. And believe me, Ottawa is upset as hell on the best of days. Comes with the territory of being the 4th most important city in driving distance and your only notability coming from no one wanting to give Toronto the capitol. Looks great and does nothing might as well be the city slogan and it was absolutely true of the team this season. 11 Ridings and yet Ottawa can't go anywhere. Not to take anything away from Philly. I respect them. Philly is my kinda town....if I wanted to be stabbed in church. Philly's the kind of place where they'd take your witness account for a crime and then throw you in prison too for snitching.It's a tough town for tough people in brightly colored swishy jackets. The Reapers are a team that belongs in the finals though. That leaves us. We gotta get there. 1 game away right now as the Aces managed to beat the snot out of us game 67. of course. They're the Aces. This kinda shit is what they do. But we got those fuckers on the ropes, don't we? All we need is 1 game. They've been getting back pats and blowjobs all season about how great they are. they're supposed to be here. Hell, they're supposed to be done already. You can't get your back up to pull out all the stops for a win you're already supposed to have. That's why we have everything to gain and they have nothing. They don't have the fight. They don't have the spine. They don't have the heart. These idiots are confused and lost and don't know what to do. it's called a challenged. Also quick sidebar to all my old teammates over there. I'll see ya after the season ends. Love all of ya. Anyway, every single player on the Aces is basically a terrified child waiting to be told what to do. Some of my dearest friends on that team though, and they've had a great season. Children. Great people, practically unstoppable. Like frightened rats though. Anyway. This is what it comes down to. Mexico vs Vegas again. Winner goes the finals and faces a hot Philly team for the cup. Either way we party. Hell I say all three teams should meet up after the finals and go spend a couple days somewhere we can relax and cleebrate. A nice easy place with no challenges. How does Miami sound? He leaves without further word, as is his way.

1. What's up Halifax. Womp is invading your press conference. Truth is no one stands out. They're all meat to the grinder. 2. You're going down. No wins vs Mexico in regulation. 3 points the whole season vs 9 we took from you. Probably 5th seed. 3. Halifax stands on a bed of lies. 4. The hero is whoever gets smacked by Womp in the playoffs if you get that far. 5. Is the answer ever not the Leafs? 6. Soup. It's dynamic, versatile, and basically a cheat code for this question.

Womp Womp Womp Womp Womp Jr stands at the podium facing the press. "Playoffs? You wanna talk about playoffs?! Fuck yeah! We are up to 6th now and climbing every week. We did our time in the dirt and now we are climbing , gaining momentum, and racking up points left and right and the excuse I hear form grumbling idiots in other sweaters is that we have an easy schedule right now. No shit, Melvin Einstein. We're playing the games YOU already played. You and your teams already got to have these cakewalk games while we were battling fuckin Vegas and Ottawa for a month straight. And now we get to finally have them too. Of course, most of y'all got to play them before the teams got all those extra boosts from waiver wire players so even then we're playing harder versions anyway. So if you have a single solitary complaint that your teams are all getting passed by us because of these games, you're more than welcome to eat my gorgeous nuts. And Houston. Ooooooh Houston. I told your asses. I told you you were empty. I told you you were gonna fall. And you did. I would argue that you got the easiest schedule in the entire league but that wouldn't be fair and if anything else, Womp is a fair man. You clearly couldn't have the easiest schedule. You can't play yourself! He laughs to himself. and then points at the crowd. "Any questions?" Several hands go up and people start chattering. "I didn't say I was gonna answer them! I just asked if you had any. Now listen. We're gettin' near the end of the season and as we ramp up to our best hockey, I'm absolutely looking at how far we climb before the start of playoffs. matchups make wins after all. This team is firing on all cylinders right now at the right time. This is a team that started the year hard getting smacked around on a nightly basis by the best teams in the league while we were still finding our identity. This is a team that never quit, even when it would've been so damn easy. Then the vultures came circling, looking for meat to pick off the bones. They told this team it was done and tried to grab assets. Well I already told them to kiss my assets. Those vultures started to look worried. They're backing off. They're looking for easier prey. Because this King might've fallen but this King also got the fuck back up! And in case you forgot that old wisdom, let me remind you. If you come at the King you best not miss. Well you came early. Maybe a problem you have, I don't know. But the King....the King ain't dead. In fact the King started fighting. Started winning. Started whooping that ass like a drum kit. And now we got some reinforcements just like everyone did. Coming in at the right time. Giving us those boosts on top of the momentum we already had. And now the vultures are nowhere to be seen. Now its fanfare and accolades and verbal blowjobs about how we righted the ship. We're a King not a boat, get your goddamn metaphors in order. Hell, get your affairs in order. Because we're coming for you. We're coming for your barn. We're coming for your sweater. We're coming for the cup. We're coming for the throne. And unlike most of yall I already mentioned, we don't suffer from premature hockeylation. We're coming to the playoffs. Hail to the King bitch. Womp out." He turns and walks away.

Obviously let's establish that I've never GM'd in this league. That said, I do have numerous accolades, titles, awards, and a reputation for GM'ing elsewhere. I also believe that a lot of concepts for good GM'ing are universal. With that in mind, I'm going to share my thoughts on how to be a good GM. Usual Womp shenanigans will return at a later time. Let's start at the start, so to speak. You need to have a singular mindset and goal. Are you a dev league GM? Your goal is developing players. Are you an expansion team? Your goal is to establish that team's identity and culture. Are you taking over a team? Your goal is to take whatever situation they're in and improve it. When you have a solid goal and you work towards it, you give yourself a much better chance to succeed than when you start losing focus or muddying the waters. Make sure the goal itself makes sense. You wouldn't want a VHL team trying to do nothing but develop young players. We have not one but two leagues for that. You wouldn't want a VHLE team trying to stockpile VHL free agents to get promoted. That's not even a thing. Finally, and most commonly across all leagues, dev league GMs should always remember that you are DEV LEAGUE GMs. So, you've got a goal. Now you need to establish the proper plan to execute that goal. That plan should almost always be a long term heavy plan at the top level. You should be looking 4,5,6 seasons down the line and trying to build the team to that. Teams that go all in on winning now don't really succeed that often in sim life or in real life. You can't trust a sim engine to do what it "should" do at any given point, so why risk everything on that? I believe the best thing you can do as a GM is plan to just keep putting your team in position to win. Though I am more than happy to share a league with GMs who are going to make those mistakes. They're my favorite training partners. So, you've got a goal, you've got a mindset to achieve that goal, you're thinking properly on where your team is. The leads me to the next big thing. Locker room. A locker room will make or break a team much faster and more efficiently than any strat or depth chart. If you don't have the right kind of locker room to fit your goals, it can all disappear in an instant. People don't re-sign. Free agents don't want to come there. Rookies drift off. You lose the people with the wrong LR. And the people ARE the game, folks. I don't give afresh hot Alabama shit how good your strats are. Without people you can't run 'em. So get your LR together. Figure out the mood, tone, and culture you want there, and actively seek out players who fit that. Talk to them. Ask them questions. SCOUT EVERYBODY. Or anybody in some cases. I personally swear by interviewing each prospect personally and then taking the ones I think fit and inviting them into a prospect specific area of my locker rooms where they can interact with the team itself. You can get so much good info on dynamics, personalities, who gets along, etc. Finally, build a war room that is willing to disagree with you. You are not the reincarnation of Vince Lombardi. You need other voices giving you other ideas. They need to be on board with the mission, the tone, and the long term plans. That's on you to set. But they need to be providing alternate routes, extra information, other possibilities you can take. They need to be your editing squad. Doubly so for a GM partner. You need to be able to bounce ideas, find every possible solution to problems, and have informed people on the same page as you who can be around to act as your strong right arm when you're not there. Yes all of these take time and effort. You took the gig. Put in the work. Good luck.

1. Not even remotely. Struggle doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. 2. Probably not at all. 3. 4000 calories a day. 4. Yesterday. They're great. 5. Las Vegas 6. Reece's Pieces

Womp Womp Womp Womp Womp Jr approaches the podium and sets down a bottle filled with an unknown liquid. Womp: No questions today. But you get to here a story and I want it reported word for word for word. So my GM pulls me into the office this week and says hey Womp, I wanted to let you know that some teams are interested in you and Quinn. Things obviously aren't going as smoothly as we had hoped so far and this would be a good chance for you to go somewhere and compete. So I tell him to go tell those teams that they can trade for deez nuts. I'm staying in Mexico City. Now, don't get me wrong. They can get a uniform, a locker space, some local events with deez nuts all they like. Deez nuts is nothing if not a team player. But I'll be staying right here ride or die with the team that picked me up to begin with. Let's be real here. As is I have one season in the VHLM. I'll be in Bratislava next year. So why the fuck would I uproot my current life and go spend half a year playing mercenary to help some team win a trophy I already have anyway instead of rolling with the people who've been with me all season? My legacy is going to be defined by what I do for the next decade plus, not by the two little cups I might've won down here. Nice little cups, just not that important in the grand scheme of things. I'm gonna spend years and years knocking people on their ass and throwing hands at an exceptional level. Nobody's gonna use my time in the M to judge me. Nobody's gonna say I'm not sure he was a Hall of Famer but then I saw that he laid 13 hits in one game against San Diego or Miami or whoever it was. Some soft ass team of plugs. And quite frankly if you as a player or a coach think this is the place where you're supposed to be striving then you have lost the plot and your damn mind. It's time you get reacquainted with reality. In reality I am a Malmo Nighthawk. When I decide how I want to train, what I want to work on, its the Malmo staff I talk to first. This isn't some kind of backhanded insult to the Kings' organization. It's reality. This is a great team, awesome fans, and I fucking love being here. Sure as hell beats some hellhole like Halifax that's for damn sure. But its a pitstop. So I hope that whatever failed high school coach who snagged a job at the lowest level of the VHL is out there paying attention right now. You think you're slick here trying to quote unquote make moves, you need to get a hold of yourself. You're not Pat Riley. You're not even Puck Riley. You are a placeholder. Whatever 6th liner failures you gather around you to try to Shark Tank your way into some cup is gonna be the absolute highlight of your life while I'm off making millions in the REAL league and telling supermodels I'm too busy tonight because I'm out with other supermodels. And if any of you wanna be GM's out there don't like it tell your enforcer to come find me. Hell tell the entire team to. I'' freeze a laffy taffy and slap every single one. Womp out. He aggressively grabs the bottle and storms off without another word.

I recommend alcohol and a good snack. So far its been fun to just wreck everything lol Hell yes. Grabbing a fair amount of shot blocks, too. I think he knows already. Yes every week. Getting them right is another story. The one that makes my daughter smile.

Womp Womp Womp Womp Womp Jr is very clearly agitated. He can't decide what foot to put his weight on. his eyes shift around the room. His lip curls back in a sneer every so often. Even by the standards of his usual behavior, which some have labelled "high strung", he is notably on edge. "Congratulations to the division leaders the Houston Bullshit." he spits out. "I can't blame 'em really. If you told me I got to go beat up on blind amputees like Mississauga every day for a week and then I could pat myself on the back for winning so much? It's hard to stand here and tell you in good conscious that I'd say no. And bravo to you. Really. My hat's off to how well you've kicked the holy hell out of the worst team in league hsitory that you get to play for almost 20% of your schedule this year. 14 games. 14. I looked it up. We get 6 against them. Somehow. I'm not a schedulographer but I know that doesn't check out. And all your excuses can just keep right on going by. This team is gettin' the easiest road that ever existed and meanwhile we're here slugging it out with the champions every day. And when we get a break from annihilating one another, we get to deal with the other division leader, Miami. We are scrappin' down in the pits over here. Bustin' our asses every day against real competition. He takes a breather from the rapid fire speech and shuffles his feet. The sneer returns prominently to his features as he launches into a continuation of his tirade. "It's easy to give myself some little moral victory." he goes on. "Oh yeah we're workin hard and they're gonna face real teams eventually. Who gives a shit? It don't put points in our column. I'm here for actual victories. And whoever wrote this schedule can kiss my chocolate covered cherry ass. Absolutely brutal. It's not like I'm even mad at Houston. We all know they're gonna fold like their power grid as soon as they deal with real teams. It's the imbalance. Its the fact that we're out here fightin for our lives while they're playing a team that needs to get permission slips from home to go on the road. We ain't even the only team dealin' with this either. This isn't just a Mexico City thing. It's an everybody thing even if none of them wanna stand up and say it. Houston just gets to pancake and cocktail its way to the division lead because they're the only ones playin' Mississauga. Which isn't even a real city. Mississauga is like if Toronto got a tumor and the doctors couldn't remove it. I'm sorry, the doctor would say. The tumor's too gentrified. We can't do anything else. And now they got 17 Tims and think they're real people. Ridiculous. They come to the ice. The screw up everybody else's season by giving the Bullshit this cushy schedule. It's nonsense. 14 games. 14 times that Houston gets to go step on the ice with the fucking Backyardigans and then celebrate. I cannot wait to put the wrath of Cthulu into you fucks." He pauses and looks like he's about to say more but then he just walks off without a word instead.

Can't wait to see what Houston looks like when their schedule starts.