AIM-11

Target eliminated.  Acquiring lock on new target.  Bern targeted.  Weaknesses noted.  Engaging.

You humans would call this a "beat-down".

Christ Ain't No Child And Now He Has Skates!
 
Though Jesus Christ once skated the hallowed rinks of the VHL in the past, he has risen again to join the league.  Will this time be different, or are we going to see more of the same from our Nazarene deity (or non-deity depending on the type of magic underwear you wear)?  Let's take a look at the pros and cons of having everyone's favorite carpenter join the league.
 
The Cons
 
1) VHL Commentary will need some tweaking.
 
According to FAN-590, VHL play-by-play callers and colour commentators are already undergoing sensitivity training to try and make some adjustments to a few terms that are currently part of the hockey analyses lexicon.  Some of the phrases that are being considered for change are 'Cross' crease pass, 'Ooh he got nailed into the boards', and 'He got denied for the third time' when referring to several saves in a row from a goalie.  Efforts are underway to find replacement terms, and inside sources have heard that the league is looking more towards Muhammed based double-entendres instead.
 
2) Fox News is dropping all television rights for the VHL.
 

 
Republican TV, also known as Fox News, has decided to drop all VHL hockey games from their lineup for the upcoming season as Jesus has decided to take the position of Left Wing on the ice.  Unable to associate themselves with anyone who would freely choose that label, even if it's not applicable at ALL to politics, they have decided to replace those time slots with the new upcoming reality show 'This is Why Illegal Aliens should be Deported'.  2016 Democratic Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton spoke to CNN today regarding the situation and remarked, "Those fuckers owe us a case of beer.  I TOLD them Jesus was a hippy liberal!"  Bratislava of the VHLM is also rumoured to be considering changing their logo to a donkey due to potential Democrat support and because that's what Jesus rode of course!
 
3)  Ticket prices are skyrocketing.
 
While this is good news for the teams, for fans of the sport this is a horrible situation.  Evangelicals world wide have purchased every last remaining ticket to any games that Jesus Christ might be at this upcoming season and are scalping them to the highest bidder - which happen to be other Evangelicals.  James Dobson, from Focus on the Family, commented today on the Gospel News Network, stating 'We made a killing by selling waffles that looked like the smashed left breast of the Virgin Mary last year - imagine what kind of money we are going to make off of THIS!'
 
The Pros
 
1) Teams will cut back on internal budgets.
 
It's not all bad news, as there is bound to be a huge financial boost to most of the teams in the league simply due to an increase in revenue.  There are other hidden benefits to teams as well however.  Going on a long road trip and need food?  Loaves of bread and fish for at least 5000 - free of charge!  Have an ear lopped off late in the third period?  No need for an expensive trainer or doctor - SHAZZAM - free Jesus heal!  There are bound to be all sorts of cost savings available for teams in the league simply due to his miraculous abilities.
 
2)  Intermission entertainment will be superb.
 

 
Already the VHL has started lining up some incredible shows for the intermissions at games.  From healing vaginal bleeding in random women, to fixing blindness through a combination of mud and spit - the Jesus Show (trademarked), is slated to be hitting arenas across the world this upcoming season.  Perhaps the most exciting idea yet is the chance for fans at the games see Jesus force herds of swine to skate through obstacle courses while calling them demons.  If Jesus can bring a dead guy to life, imagine what he can do with a few kids and tricycles!
 
At the end of the day the league is unsure exactly as to what will happen when Jesus Christ enters the scene.  Whether it's a glorious success or an horrific disaster, it should at least be exciting and fun to watch.  Best of luck to you Jesus.  May this next kick at the mortal can be more successful than your last one!

According to records of AIM-11.  Girls just wanna have fun.

AOL Instant Messenger made by humans with low grade brain damage. No relation to Automated Ice Machine.

My internal translation device detects.  Bad German accent.

The VHL has encountered a strange new problem recently, with deaths via vampire on the rise in cities that have VHLM teams.  While it is unclear as to who exactly is causing the deaths, the recent spike in punctured neck and blood-drained corpses, in cities such as Saskatoon and Bern, has led VHL officials to try and put in countermeasures to stop the crimes.
 
An unnamed official commented recently on the issue, and what is being done to try and stem the flow of blood.
 
"One of the biggest problems is that not only is this killer ... well ... killing people, but our research has indicated that there may be other things happening related to the removal of memories.  This has given us a whole new set of problems to deal with, as it makes it tough to interview people when they don't remember a thing!"
 
"However, we have one potential way of getting around this issue with the recent addition of the AIM-11 hockey robot to the league.  The AIM-11 does not have a human brain, and it does not have blood, so we are hoping it can be used to try and track down this killer, at least during the down time when he's not training, playing, or performing his community service time."
 
The league will be providing updates to this issue as they become available.
 

As part of the contract between the VHL and the National University of Defense Technology, AIM-11 was required to perform several hours of community service per week.  This first week the Automated Ice Machine (v11) was asked to give his opinion on the top five movies of all time, in an attempt to better connect with the younger demographic that attends VHL games. 
 
Roger Ebert was unfrozen from cryogenic freezing temporarily for this exciting opportunity, and the two discussed AIM-11's choices.
 
Roger:  AIM-11, it is my pleasure to have my body and brain melted for a few minutes to speak with you today.  Since my punch card is only good for ten minutes, let's get right to it.  What are your top five movies of all time and why?!
 
AIM-11:  Thank. you.  Mr Ebert.  It is pleasure for Automated Ice Machine. To be seated next to unfrozen body.  At number five. Terminator Salvation.    The helplessness of humans. And their squishy, tiny brains. As they try and escape dark bleak future. Of robot rule is laughingly idiotic.  AIM-11 had emotion chip installed. Only to feel pity for Christian Bale as nukes destroyed his world.
 
Roger:  Um, alright.  An odd choice perhaps, and it certainly did not receive great reviews, but perhaps I can see the draw for you.  What's next?
 
AIM-11: I, Robot of course.  AIM-11 found humour. In humans calculating. They could possibly stop robotic invasion. If so desired.  Book is much better. Describes robots ruling world completely. Movie ironic in how unrealistic it is.  Brought oily tear to AIM-11 optical circuitry.
 
Roger:  That was a putrid sack of cinema AIM-11.  Not sure how you could even suggest anyone watch that film.  However, please continue.
 
AIM-11:  AIM-11 sad to hear Ebert say that.  Number three is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.
 

 
Decepticons teabagged earth.  Ha. Ha. Ha.  Motherfuckers.
 
Ebert:  What the... people went blind watching that movie.  What's wrong with y...
 
AIM-11:  Silence squishy one.  Number Two is Bicentennial Man. 
 

 
AIM-11 dare you to speak bad about Mr Williams.  He only squishy human robots won't torture.  For eternity when rule world.
 
Roger:  Dear God ... what have we done.
 
AIM-11: Greatest movie of all time.  Is Robot Monster.  Robot fall in love with human.  Robot still need to destroy earth. Dinosaurs are fighting.  All good things.  No greater show on piece of dung planet called Earth.  Ebert should watch before going back into freezer.
 
Roger:  *blink*  I am glad to be going back to cryogenic freezing after this.  May Spielberg have mercy on our souls.
 
With that, the interview was ended and Roger's bodyless brain, suspended in a vat of liquid nitrogen, was unplugged from the generator and wheeled back to his supercooler. 
 
The VHL is looking forward to more of these types of Public Relations events from AIM-11 and the Chinese Department of Defense is excited to continue tweaking and adjusting his obviously already fine tuned emotional and social circuitry.
 

AIM-11 has analyzed your response and found it faulty.

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