The Assignment: The Board Game Clue On Skates

[Doomsday 4,130]

The Assignment: The Board Game Clue On Skates

 

As a sports reporter, you get some very strange assignments sometimes. It’s just part of the job. However, this one definitely takes the cake. It was a strange one right from the start.

 

Two weeks ago, I found a letter that someone had slipped under the door to my office. No name, no nothing on it. Just a neatly typed-out request was what was waiting for me inside the blank envelope.

 

Quote

 

You will find that a donation of $56 has been made to the Red Cross. In exchange, you are to write an in-depth scouting report on The Board Game Clue On Skates, currently with the San Diego Marlins of the VHLM. Travel has been arranged for you, and full access will be granted in order for you to complete your assignment.

 

Can’t wait to see what you can do, my client is depending on it.

 

 

Well then, it looks like I have a plane to catch. I hear San Diego is really nice this time of year…

 

 

Not only had my transportation been provided for, as the mysterious letter had claimed, but it had been done so with no concern to cost. I had been provided a seat on a private jet heading to San Diego, and WiFi was available on the flight, meaning that my work didn’t need to wait until I landed in California to get to work. I began to scour the internet for information on The Board Game Clue With Skates, and quickly found that there was not a lot of it readily available, which immediately made the nature of my assignment make much more sense. 

 

 

While learning more about Hasbro’s popular board game than I ever expected to, I was able to find a few interesting tidbits. This was, in fact, a board game on skates. It’s not a human being, and as such, does not have a head, arms, legs, or any discernible body parts other than the game board for Hasbro’s Clue, which I assume is inside the apparently sealed box. Fan photos found on various social media websites show that a pair of Bauer Vapor Hyperlites, considerably expensive skates, have been attached to The Board Game Clue On Skates. Nobody seems to know why or how this happened, nor is it known how The Board Game Clue On Skates learned to skate without any appendages, a brain, or a central nervous system.

 

I also noticed several discrepancies between information I uncovered and some readily available information. The San Diego Marlins’ official roster, for starters, lists The Board Game Clue On Skates as being 5’5” tall, weighing 140 lbs, and being 50 years old. However, some independently conducted scouting showed that Hasbro’s current logo was on The Board Game Clue On Skates, meaning at the absolute oldest that this was a version of the game no older than twelve years old, a far cry from the listed 50. Curiously, no photos exist of The Board Game Clue On Skates on the ice with another player, so properly judging the size of it is impossible at the current time, but it doesn’t really look like it is really a five foot tall version of Clue based on the size of The Board Game Clue On Skates compared to the pair of skates attached to it. A report from an anonymous VHLM scout was equally perplexing, with the scout seemingly offended by having to scout The Board Game Clue On Skates and struggling to find anything good to say about it. Despite, however, one of the more positive statements being that The Board Game Clue On Skates will not cause problems in the locker room, a report from a San Diego Newspaper reported it being arrested for concealing weapons after they were revealed following a fight at a nightclub. Another unsubstantiated rumor claims that The Board Game Clue On Skates was found with “all the drugs” in a toilet stall, although no record of any charges have been found.

 

In spite of the fact that very little information about The Board Game Clue On Skates exists, it is still one of the most well-known and popular players in the VHLM. Team Clue, a fan club of sorts devoted to The Board Game Clue On Skates, is continuing to grow at a rapid pace, which includes the likes of VHLM player Bo Johansson and VHLE player Alexandre Leduc. The Board Game Clue On Skates has even marketed products, which is not entirely surprising to something that is itself based in marketing, but it is surprising when you consider that it is a board game, not something that will generally display sentient thoughts or ideas. Yet, that’s exactly what happened with the creation of Clue Glue™, and when it was “accidentally” discovered to be tasty, it was quickly branded as a performance enhancing drink as well. There is even a Team Clue in the Junior Showcase Tournament, further demonstrating what a cultural phenomenon The Board Game Clue On Skates has become in such a relatively short period of time in the VHL eye.

 

Image Credit: @Shindigs

 

Needless to say, by the time the plane finally landed in San Diego, I knew I had an interesting experience waiting for me.

 

 

Sure enough, immediately after arriving at San Diego’s facility, I was given all the appropriate access needed, and I took my place in the stands to watch the Marlins’ practice. With their playoff series against the Mississauga Hounds underway, this was much more up-tempo than a normal practice, perfect for scouting. It didn’t take very long for The Board Game Clue On Skates to make itself stand out, demonstrating the proficient scoring skills that netted it 32 goals during the VHLM regular season. Initially, I believed that this was the largest version of Clue that I had ever seen, officially listed at 5’5” without skates, but it quickly became apparent that this simply was an optical illusion: the bigger appearance was due to the fact that skates were attached to it. Official reports list that The Board Game Clue On Skates weighs 140 lbs, but even soaking wet (which is not recommended for board games, don’t try doing that) I don’t think it comes close to that weight. Considering that arms and hands with opposable thumbs don’t typically come standard with Hasbro board games, and The Board Game Clue On Skates is no exception, it has incredibly natural ability with the stick attached to it and displays excellent puck handling skills for the VHLM level. Earlier scouting reports indicating that The Board Game Clue On Skates didn’t have goal scoring ability have clearly become outdated with what I’ve seen so far in this practice. For the VHLM level, it possesses both finesse and speed with it’s shots, a far cry from the first practice session by The Board Game Clue On Skates where it failed to log a single shot on goal. For teams looking to bolster themselves with the apparent “meta” build, The Board Game Clue On Skates is surely high on their wish list for draft day with its offensive potential. It is the highest-rated center in the Season 82 VHL Entry Draft class at the time of print, and continues to surge up the board.

 

One thing, however, that stuck out to me is that The Board Game Clue On Skates struggles with the physical aspects of the game. Hasbro definitely uses quality cardboard when constructing their products, but it certainly does not lend itself to being a physical player. The Board Game Clue On Skates is a scrappy player and doesn’t shy away from contact at the VHLM level, but I don’t see that type of play continuing at the professional level with its current build. This was very evident in drills emphasizing puck battles around the boards, where The Board Game Clue On Skates, through no lack of effort on its own part, was handily outmuscled by San Diego’s more physical players. It’s awkward size and profile makes it an excellent target for defenders looking to make a big hit, and while The Board Game Clue On Skates has put in work in the weight room, it’s something that will need to continue to be addressed at the VHLE and VHL level. For a Hasbro board game that is playing hockey, The Board Game Clue On Skates is a phenomenal skater, especially considering it has no feet and skates have simply been attached to it, but it still is lacking somewhat compared to VHLM players. It’s definitely an area that will need to be improved upon to continue to be successful at the VHLE level next season. Regardless, VHLE GMs are almost certainly going to be grabbing The Board Game Clue On Skates high in the upcoming VHLE Draft.

 

Image Credit: @v.2

 

Definitely a strong first impression for The Board Game Clue On Skates in the practice session, but I wanted to take advantage of my full access and find out more about this fascinating player. I managed to catch up with San Diego’s General Manager, Nathan Powers, and he had plenty to share about the most interesting player on their roster.

 

“Clue has tremendous all-around ability,” beamed Powers, “and is a leader on and off the ice. We can always rely on it to score the big goal when we need it most, or help kill off a key penalty. It’s had a very positive influence in the locker room this season and has done a great job of getting the team into it.”

 

However, there was one question that was ultimately unavoidable: what was it that made San Diego decide to draft a board game with the 18th overall pick?

 

“Going back to the draft,” Powers recalled, “we focused primarily on defense early, and then shifted our focus to the forward group. Once we got to 18 (overall), we checked our draft board and it surprised us to see (The Board Game Clue On Skates) still available. Although there were higher TPE options at the time, Clue burst onto the scene quickly, was a max earner, and made a good impression in our interview.”

 

Image Credit: @dlamb

 

Powers chuckled, then continued.

 

“Also, how could we say no to drafting a board game?!” he laughed. “Their development over the course of the season has remained consistent to the point they’re now a top player for us. Great production on and off the ice, never brought trouble into the locker room… that’s the mark of a great pi…”

 

Powers’ train of thought was interrupted by several uniformed officers of the San Diego Police Department walking past us and into the team’s locker room, followed by quite a loud commotion. An alarmed Powers bolted after them, and naturally I had to follow. There, we found the officers confronting The Board Game Clue On Skates.

 

 

“Listen son, my name is Lieutenant Daniel O’Brien, with the San Diego Police Department, Narcotics Unit. Are you The Board Game Clue On Skates?”

 

Being that it is a board game, silence followed this question.

 

“You really think that because you’re a big shot hockey player, you don’t have to cooperate with the police?”

 

Being that the question did not inspire sentience into The Board Game Clue On Skates, the officer was met with further silence.

 

“You know what?!” the officer boomed loudly. “It doesn’t matter if you talk or not, because we can prove your guilt without your cooperation! You clearly wrote this!”

 

 

“What do you think about that, huh?!” continued Lieutenant O’Brien, shoving the note into The Board Game Clue On Skates, knocking it off balance as it fell to the floor.

 

“Good God,” exclaimed the officer, “All these junkies are the damn same! Shooting up at work… Come on Murphy, slap some cuffs on this degenerate and we’ll get him downtown.”

 

Murphy pulled out his handcuffs, stared at the fallen Board Game Of Clue On Skates, and gestured bewilderedly at Lieutenant O’Brien.

 

“What exactly do you want me to do here, Lieutenant?” exclaimed Officer Murphy. “It’s a goddamn board game, where exactly do you want me to cuff it?”

 

“Just pick it up for God’s sake, Murphy,” sighed O’Brien. “It’s hardly a flight risk in this state of intoxication.”

 

Picking up The Board Game Of Clue On Skates, with the skates still attached, the officers departed the locker room.

 

“Hope you got a booster seat in the back of your cruiser, Lieutenant.”

 

“I did not drink enough coffee this morning to put up with your bullshit all day, Murphy.”

 

As they drove away with The Board Game Clue On Skates, reality quickly set in for the San Diego locker room.

 

 

“What are we gonna do?!” Scotty Sundin worried. “We have a game tonight!!”

 

“Get ahold of yourselves,” said the great jr, San Diego’s captain. “Next man up, we got this.”

 

“But it had all the smelling salts!!” wailed Johnny Xavier.

 

“Jeffrey Pines for Lotto Tournament MVP!!” Tavish DeGroot screamed.

 

“Alright, alright, alright,” Nathan Powers finally interjected. “Settle down, boys. It’s not going to miss any games, we’re fine.”

 

“Not going to miss any games?!” shrieked Christopher Young, “The police literally carried it away! I don’t see them bringing it back in time for tonight’s game!”

 

“No one knows what happened,” replied Powers. “I’ll take care of it.”

 

“Did you forget the fact that there’s a reporter in here?” retorted Igor Molotov.

 

Suddenly, all eyes in the locker room were on me.

 

“Hey guys,” I said. “Great practice today, huh?”

 

Needless to say, my visit at San Diego’s team facilities came to a quick and sudden end, courtesy of Brian Payne removing me from the building in more or less the exact same manner that The Board Game Clue On Skates was, only I was placed in a car heading to the airport, and not the police station. Thankfully, the driver was all too happy to make a stop at the police station first in order to continue my coverage, since he wasn’t bound by any instructions given by the San Diego Marlins or their staff, only my mysterious client. My presence was welcomed by the San Diego Police Department when I provided a box of a particular circular pastry, and I was allowed to witness The Board Game Clue On Skates’ interrogation.

 

 

“You think you’re so smug, still not cooperating with us? Do you think that’s going to save you?” boomed Lieutenant O’Brien, who looked as if he’d been drinking from a batch of coffee fishy made.

 

Silence.

 

“You’re so adamant you know nothing, yet you still can’t explain being found with every drug known to man in a toilet stall in that nightclub, AND you have no explanation for the note that YOU wrote that incriminates you!!”

 

The continued silence, which somehow remained unexpected to O’Brien, was driving him to his very edge. He looked as if he had not slept for no less than three days, had noticeable coffee stains on his dress shirt that were now very visible without his jacket on, and sweat was dripping from his forehead like a faucet. If you’ve ever eaten nothing but egg salad for a week, you’d probably look like this guy.

 

Suddenly, O’Brien slammed his hands on the table. “NO, it’s not because my mother wouldn’t get me Hasbro games as a child! It’s because YOU are a liar! A LIAR!!”

 

O’Brien had slammed the table with such force that The Board Game Clue On Skates, which had been placed in an adjacent chair, was wobbling back and forth.

 

“Oh, now you’re scared. NOW you’re worried, huh? You know you can make this stop whenever you’d like to.”

 

Newton’s third law had taken its course, and The Board Game Clue On Skates was resting in place once again.

 

“YOU KNOW WHAT!!” howled O’Brien as he pounded the table yet again, “BRING IN THE POLYGRAPH MACHINE!!”

 

Image Credit: @MubbleFubbles

 

The force from the impact knocked The Board Game Clue On Skates off the chair onto the floor, revealing that the skate blades had never been removed from the skates attached to it.

 

“Still concealing weapons, huh? Good thing you’re still too doped up to do anything with them,” he muttered as he removed the skate blades with an oddly surgical precision for a dangerously over-caffeinated man working in an entirely unrelated field. As O’Brien finished removing the skate blades, the polygraph machine was brought in and hooked up to The Board Game Clue On Skates after it was placed back on the chair.

 

O’Brien leaned over the table towards The Board Game Clue On Skates. “Are you The Board Game Clue On Skates?”

 

Silence once again filled the room, and the polygraph machine noted no changes.

 

“Simple enough,” said O’Brien, pulling a photograph depicting a preposterous amount of drugs in a toilet stall. “Were these drugs found to be in your possession?”

 

O’Brien stared in disbelief as the polygraph machine again recorded no changes.

 

“I don’t know what kinda magic you’re working here,” muttered O’Brien, “But good luck with this one.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out the note allegedly written by The Board Game Clue On Skates. “Did you write this?”

 

The silence and the inaction of the polygraph machine were making O’Brien more and more unhinged as time passed. Finally, he snapped, screaming across the table at The Board Game Clue On Skates, “Do you REALLY think you’ve gotten away with this?!”

 

Saliva from O’Brien flew across the table, striking the needle of the polygraph machine, which made it begin to move ever so slightly.

 

“I KNEW IT!!” roared O’Brien as he pounded the table triumphantly. “YOU’RE GUILTY, FUCK YOU, END OF REPORT!!”

 

 

Suddenly, a man dressed in a dark suit entered the room with them. “Alright O’Brien, that’s enough. Both of you get yourselves straightened up and get back to the arena within the hour.”

 

An exasperated O’Brien began to protest, but was quickly cut off by the man. “No, not another word. You know exactly what is going on and why I’m here.”

 

The man began to leave the room, opening the door, but turned around and spoke to O’Brien again before leaving. “And for God’s sake O’Brien, take a goddamn shower. We’ve had people threatening to report us for violations of the Geneva Convention due to your stench.”

 

As O’Brien sank into his chair, I heard a familiar chuckle behind me: Nathan Powers, the General Manager of San Diego, was delighted.

 

“Perfect,” he laughed. “Back to business as usual.”

 

“Hold on,” I asked. “How does a VHLM team hold that much sway over the police?”

 

“I wouldn’t exactly call it that,” Powers answered. “The entire investigation has been riddled with mistakes and errors the whole way, there’s absolutely no chance this would have ever stood a chance in court. Outside of a confession and a guilty plea, they had nothing, and everyone knew it. I instructed The Board Game Clue On Skates not to say a word, and it was an absolute champ.”

 

Powers chuckled again, turning to leave.

 

“Besides,” he added, “O’Brien is our equipment manager. What cop could survive in California on their salary alone?”

 

 

Even on the flight back home, I struggled to wrap my head around everything I’d seen. Not only was a board game playing hockey, but it was doing so well, becoming a phenomenon both on and off the ice. The Board Game Clue On Skates was no mere novelty, it has quickly become a top prospect for the upcoming VHL and VHLE Drafts, defying all naysayers along the way. The seedy underbelly of VHLM politics showed itself, along with the revelation that skill trumps all, regardless of your age, creed, or the fact that you’re made of cardboard. Regardless of whether or not the VHL is ready for it, #TeamClue is coming, and no one is safe.

Jethro Novacek is an award-winning writer for the MSFL Times, the top source for groundbreaking exposés. He enjoys finely-seared meats, getting the boys together for some pond hockey, and casually participating in insurrections.

[MubbleFubbles 1,290]

 

Just, everything about this was great! Loved how much info you'd researched while doing this and the execution was perfect! Thanks @Doomsday for writing and @Shindigsfor the donation that made it possible!

 

Also, this media spot does not lie, DO NOT SOAK YOUR BOARD GAMES IN WATER, PLEASE AND THANK YOU!

[Spartan 4,408]

my god

[Shindigs 1,771]

Normally I'd go through and pull a bunch of quotes and react to them individually. But that would literally make my reply longer than an average MS. It was just comedy gold from end to end. Thank you so much for your work @Doomsday. Honestly if you wrote a whole book about this, I'd read it and love it.

[Arce 755]

I am not sure if I will ever fully understand the Board Game Clue on Skates club, but I did enjoy this read. Some background info on the whole Fanclub in the 4th paragraph down was helpful.  I felt like I was reading a novel, so you definitely nailed it. It was hilarious, I had some laughs all the way through but you also incorporated facts about the Board Game Clue on Skates' VHL career so far such as how he is a highly rated VHLM player getting ready to make the jump to the VHLE. The fact that it then goes into this whole mystery, where Clue has a run in with the cops as he's being searched for was a fun transition. LOVED the VHL/Clue ad with Alexandre, it made a nice touch.  Looks like you can always count on Nathan Powers to come in at the end. The creativity is absolutely there. Thanks for the fun read! 10/10

Edited January 11, 2022 by Arce

[JardyB10 4,865]

On 1/10/2022 at 1:45 PM, Doomsday said:

Listen son, my name is Lieutenant Daniel O’Brien

That's a good Easter Egg. Or maybe it isn't. I can't remember.

[Doomsday 4,130]

Claiming for week of 1/17 - 1/23

Claim 2/4

[Doomsday 4,130]

Claiming for week of 1/24 - 1/30

Claim 3/4

[Doomsday 4,130]

Claiming for week of 1/31 - 2/6

Claim 4/4

[jacobcarson877 2,541]

This might be the best media spot I've ever read. It is a shame I never got to play with The Board Game Clue On Skates, and I hope to at some point in my career. Excellent writing overall, well paced and spaced, and the pictures help solidify the piece. I would pay good real life money to see this as a movie or a mini-series. There’s certainly a lot in this text to reference. 10/10 literal perfection. 

Edited February 1, 2022 by jacobcarson877
bump to 75