I was determined to know beans - Henry David Thoreau (Walden)

[der meister 3,236]

I've written a number of different articles over the years, in a number of different styles. Today is another one of those articles. Hell of an introduction, right? Well, the tone of this one is silly, i.e. not serious, so if you're mentioned in this article and I appear to be shitting on you, please know that it's only how it appears and it's not real shit. Or something. I don't know; the analogy kind of fell apart there at the end. Anyway, today's idea is to rate the users who have applied for the vacant D.C. Dragons General Manager gig. Whoever is selected will have the absolute privilege of being my General Manager, so I feel it's only fair I get to write up an article like this.

 

@rory - Not sure if he has a preference for which team between D.C. and Helsinki  he manages, as his post simply said "Apply!". I haven't had any real interactions with him that I can recall, but he does have one of the most obnoxiously-named players in the VHL, WWWWWWWWWWWW. That name drives me crazy, so I give Rory 6.35 pinto beans out of a scale of 0 to 13 generic beans. The scale is still being worked out, but it involves any number of beans, ranging from garbanzo, which are also a pea, somehow?, to magic. It's worth noting that 6.35 pinto beans is neither parallel nor equal to 6.35 black beans, for example.

 

@Ricer13 - Unless I'm much mistaken, Ricer is an old school SHL user as well? Or is there someone else with a Rice-based username. His player, Spider Panda, who interestingly enough is also a goalie just like W's up there, went first overall in my draft class. Good for him, not for me. #SadFace. He stated in his application that he's interested in either job, but preferring Helsinki. I give him 7.79 baked beans on the 13 point scale, because Rice and Beans is a solid dinner option but baked beans make it work more than, say, mung beans.

 

@sadie - I don't know Sadie, but she joined the VHL on my birthday two years ago, so that's pretty dope. She's applied for both jobs but has not stated a preference, which is a nice change of pace. Looking at you, Ricer. Her current player, Brandon Petan Jr, is VHL draft eligible after going 4th overall in the VHLM draft. That's kind of all I know about her. I give her 9.63 cannellini beans.

 

@PacifistKit17 - This guy has been in the VHL even less time than Sadie, having joined about 16 months ago. I don't know him, but he's a former VHLE GM, so there's some experience there. Probably should have noted that Rory is one of those as well. Let's bump Rory's 6.35 pintos up to 6.53 edamame. Anyway, Pacifist applied for both jobs but also prefers Helsinki, so I guess I should just piss off, right? 4.91 anasazi beans.

 

@VattghernCZ - FINALLY Someone who has their priorities straight! Vatthern says, "Applying, preferably D.C. - dragons are cool." Yes, Vatt, they are. All that being said, I have no idea who he is, nor do I recall ever seeing the player name Alagsantere Groenvold, but that's a hell of a mouthful. Still, actually being interested in D.C. is enough to offset the alphabet soup player name, so I award him 7.68 flageolet beans.

 

@v.2  - The head of PT himself applies, by simply saying "apply". No preference stated, but cat cartoon avatar is kind of nice. He's also been around 3 and a half years, which is a pretty decent stint here. That said, I'm not sure how much I've actually interacted with him, nor does he display a preference for piloting the mighty Dragons, so he'll have to settle for 4.44 repeating kidney beans.

 

@qripll - I'm confused. Confused how to say this name, confused how this guy has been around 6 days longer than v.2, and confused how I've never heard of him. But the former VHLE GM [I'm sensing a theme here] said "Apply for both!", and D.C. is one of the both, so he's a candidate. Not sure if he's actually in Russia or just cosplaying Russian, but having a Russian manage my Ukrainian player gives me the weirds. 6.12 coffee beans.

 

@Benson - I've never talked with him, but Benson "would like to run them Dragons". I'm glad it doesn't say "a train on" in the middle of that sentence. Benson is our goalie in D.C. and had a hell of a season for the squad. He also has a cute animated cat gif avatar, and has been around for nearly 6 years. He doesn't post much - only 74 times - but he's active and has the aforementioned cat. Also, I'm allergic to cats. 5.56 cocoa beans.

 

I'm going to combine the last three applicants, because none of them expressly said they want to manage D.C., so @McGriddy10, @Beaviss, and @ethanjaeda are in a three way tie with 6.000001 adzuki beans. I'm pretty sure all these guys are really new members and haven't done anything around the VHL. Hell, all three of them have totally blank avatars as well, though apparently Beaviss's's's's player is a drug. 

So there you have it, folks  - one of these 11 will most likely become the next General Manager of the D.C. Dragons. The competition is fierce, and while the judges are still trying to decipher the point scale, it's safe to say that any of these 11 are most likely actual human beings...or perhaps they are human beans? They likely have a pulse, are able to communicate with words, and potentially can guide the Dragons out of the VHL's basement and back to the high-flying glory the franchise used to experience. I mean, potentially they won't, too, and they flame out after 2 months, go inactive, and we're in a worse situation than ever. But I don't see that happening. These fine human beans are ready, willing, and eager to scream it from the rooftops, and I'm here for it. Hell, maybe I'll even put out a safety net just in case they slip while they're up there.

 

 

Informational chart provided for information

Edited September 22 by der meister
missed a tag

[der meister 3,236]

claiming week 1 of 2

[rory 1,943]

I’ll accept the score as long as I can add chili oil to my rating.

[der meister 3,236]

10 minutes ago, rory said:

I’ll accept the score as long as I can add chili oil to my rating.

 

Trade confirmed.

[sadie 937]

honored to be rated at whatever 9.63 might mean on the bean scale

[Subject056 1,244]

This was a very entertaining read and I think we should use the bean scale for everything now. Let's get it up and running for all VHL needs involving a scale!

 

For the beans! 

[der meister 3,236]

17 minutes ago, Subject056 said:

This was a very entertaining read and I think we should use the bean scale for everything now. Let's get it up and running for all VHL needs involving a scale!

 

For the beans! 

 

I asked an AI to assist with the marketing of this scale. Included the prompt for your edification. 

 

https://ibb.co/ysM1bZw - full size

 

 

Edited September 21 by der meister

[qripll 518]

No matter what nationality I am, the fact is I love beans! So I guess we perfectly fit each other