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Forgotten Agent Calls Press Conference


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At a surprise press conference outside his home in Chicago, reclusive VHL agent Zach Warren gave a pre-recorded statement to assembled press. As VHL fans know, Warren’s only VHL charge, Karsten Olsen, has been mysteriously missing from practice for most of Season 35. Warren did not take any questions at this time, but he did explain his long absence from the league and what to expect moving forward. The Seattle Times did not have a reporter present at this unexpected event, but the full transcript of Warren’s words below comes courtesy of the Associated Press:


Thank you all for taking the time to come out here today. It has been a long time since I’ve spoken to the press, too long in fact.


This is normally the part of the program where I would beg for forgiveness from the Seattle Bears organization for Olsen’s disappearance, but in all honestly, this was a necessity. Olsen needed time away, and frankly, so did I. It was the perfect storm of events that needed my time. I started a new job that was on a contract basis, so I needed to work my ass off to stay with the company. I moved apartments and was left without Internet access for intermittent periods. My girlfriend, who had been away on an internship, came back to the Chicago region, and I wanted to make up for lost time. And when I saw everything I could do with my time while the VHL was transferring boards… well, I became too accustomed to that free time I had.


Now that I’m back, I honestly can’t say what happens next. I don’t think I’m shooting for Jericho’s first gen record anymore, that’s for sure. I can’t even say what happens next week. I’d like to say that my goal is my own personal client TPE record of 931, set in the MSFL, but I suppose that’s not a certainty. All I can really hope is that I find somewhere to fit in with a team that will take me.


I like the VHL. And I like the opportunity to submit some creative writing in a different style than is currently accepted at my day job. Those two factors why I’m back; it would be easy to stay away, given the amount of time I have already. And I do have to commemorate the marketing team — if not for the couple of posts on Facebook over the past couple of days stoking the old flames, I might not even be back right now. But for now, I’m hungry to get this going again. Karsten Olsen isn’t a complete flameout, and it’s time to go. Thank you for your time.

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