After nearly five years in the league and in my twenty-eighth season, I have managed to play for every VHLM team that has existed during my time here. To mark the occasion, I have written a brief memoir(?) of my team on each of the teams, arranged by team and the amount of time I spent on that team rather than chronologically.
Halifax 21st (745 games)
I have played for Halifax on five separate occasions with five different players. Halifax were my first ever team when I joined the league. There was a choice between Mexico and Halifax and I choose Halifax, probably because they were the first offer. Sorry Mexico! Although I was only there for 23 games before the draft, I had two different GMs – three if you count the numerous times Fonzi declared that I was the GM, which I do count. Unfortunately, Halifax didn’t draft Alex Armstrong so he went to play for a better team elsewhere.
My second player, Rick Osman, was however drafted by Halifax and played the rest of his career there until he got traded away by the evil GM Dil. To this day, Rick still holds the Halifax record for career shots blocked which everyone knows is the most important stat. Apart from the whole trading thing, Dil was actually a great GM. Apart from his shots blocked record, Rick Osman really never amounted to anything while on Halifax. He didn’t win any trophies or score a lot of goals. In fact it’s very hard to find anything to say about him so I asked his former evil GM Dil for a comment. “Along with being a great hockey player and teammmate, Osman had an extraordinary large penis. That thing still shows up in my nightmares, what a performer on and off the ice.” What a great comment. After his career, he went off to produce quiz shows with Alex Armstrong and I believe the quiz show was far more successful than his hockey career and is still going today.
After finishing this section on Rick Osman, GM Dil was kind enough to send us some more comments he had acquired from some of Rick’s other former GMs (although there appear to be more comments than there were GMs so I am not entirely sure where they all come from):
“Man, Osmans was not only a great player but a fantastic person in our locker room. A leader in the locker room and an exceptional member of our community. Also, what a shlong. Absolutely gigantic.”
“That’s a name I haven’t heard in a while… but not one I’d ever forget. Easily one of the most impactful players of my career, helped me not only build a successful team but learn from him how to be a good person. Oh and he had possibly the biggest dick I’ve seen in my life.”
“Osman was an exceptional talent, once you’ve seen him play you see the game of hockey a different way. He changes your perspective on the game, and dicks. He had easily the largest and most beautiful dick I’ve ever seen.”
My third player, Bryn Yrwy, was drafted by Halifax and was lucky enough to spend the rest of his career on the team. He led the league in goals for two seasons running, and in his final season, along with the goal scoring trophy he also won the points scoring trophy and was the regular season MVP, making him possibly my most successful player ever. After his retirement, he went off to become the AGM of the Saskatoon Wild but his stint there was short after discovering the team literally played in the wilderness and it was freezing cold. He then went off to Bratislava to be AGM but had to return to Canada after a legal battle with one of his lodgers.
My fourth player, Juan Ceson, was traded to Halifax in his pre-draft waiver season by the Las Vegas Aces’ evil GM AJ but they did not draft him so he only played 20 games for the team.
My tenth player, John Season (no relation and definitely not the same person as Juan Ceson), was drafted by Halifax and played two seasons for the team. Unfortunately, it turned out that John had many other commitments including a job in Las Vegas and that he had hired someone else to pretend to be him at his job so he had to leave the team to attend to those commitments. His GM Lexie Leitner said this about him: “John Season was a consummate professional with the 21st, but a bit of prankster too! He stole-- um, relocated all my shoes and I have yet to find them, but with 104 points in 144 games and finishing his career with the 6th most shots blocked in franchise history, I really can't complain!”
Las Vegas Aces (603 games)
Juan Ceson, my fourth player, will go down in history books due to his numerous achievements. Moving from his native Andorra to Las Vegas to play a sport that he had never played before, he soon became one of the best hockey players in the world. As a keen gambler, Juan was right at home in Las Vegas but unfortunately his evil GM AJ traded him to the Halifax 21st after 52 games. But this was not the end of Juan’s career in Vegas as, after AJ was banned for being so cruel to his star player, a new GM took over and the next season, he traded for Juan Ceson from Saskatoon who had drafted him. This was the best decision the GM could have made as the team won two cups in the next two season with Juan leading the team.
Whilst his talent was beyond compare and renowned throughout the league, he also was well known for his very effective training technique of not attending practice. Juan was, and to this day still is, vehemently opposed to any form of team training. Instead, he trains by himself to be the best he can and he believes this will give the best results. His career has proven that this technique is clearly the way to go. Unfortunately the league commissioners disagreed with this training technique and actually banned it and forced Vegas to cut Juan from the team at one point. Juan, however, is not one to be defeated and using the league rulebook, he got himself back on the team. The commissioners created a new “Juan Ceson rule” that banned this technique so sadly Juan did have to attend practice after that but he made sure not to exhaust himself doing any silly exercises.
Juan played eight seasons in the VHLM, with six full seasons and two partial ones on Vegas. The aforementioned commissioners didn’t like this either, probably because they were never good enough to be able to play for that long in the league. In Juan’s eighth and soon-to-be-final season, they put a cap on how long you could play in the league, effectively banning Juan once again from playing.
This did have one positive effect – Juan’s league record breaking amount of games played will almost certainly never be broken unless the commissioners decide to get rid of the second “Juan Ceson rule”. Juan also holds the league record for shots blocked, although it is still possible someone may beat this in the future.
After his forced retirement, Juan took up training and managing other players who had not got to experience hockey before and also got an AGM job with Las Vegas that lasted a few seasons before he decided to focus on his other ventures that, thanks to his excellent poker skills, include owning the Las Vegas Aces franchise, multiple Juan Ceson themed business across the globe and also being the king of Sweden. He also now owns a houseboat in Halifax.
Juan has also asked me to give a special shoutout to his biggest fan Thunder who has always supported him.
Juan also available for private training and coaching at very reasonable prices.
John Season (who as previously mentioned is not related to Juan Ceson and you have no proof they are the same person) signed with Vegas as a waiver player. His AGM called him the second-best player the Aces had ever had. John unfortunately was unable to be drafted by Vegas as he had commitments in Halifax and ended up there instead but he thoroughly enjoyed his time on the Las Vegas Aces.
Mexico City Kings (144 games)
Alex Armstrong was drafted by the Mexico City Kings after his stint in Halifax. Luckily, he had learnt Spanish in school so he didn’t struggle too much in yet another new country. He liked Mexico a lot but it was not the right fit for him and at the end of the season he was traded to Yukon.
Bryn Yrwy signed with Mexico as a waiver because he heard they had the coolest AGM in the league and that the GM had a shiny cubchoo he would give to Bryn. Future star Bryn was just as good in his first season as the rest of his career and with his help the team won the Founder’s Cup. Sadly the cool AGM had left to become the GM of Halifax, so Bryn asked if he could be drafted there instead and was granted his wish.
Yukon Rush (144 games)
Alex Armstrong was traded to the Yukon Rush (#BRINGBACKYUKON) by Mexico after just one season. He got to play for the wonderful GM Josh Da Silva who was very nice and one of the best GMs I have ever had. Despite being traded away at the end of the season, Alex enjoyed Yukon so much that he decided to re-sign with the team as a free agent one season later. Unfortunately, Josh was was no longer the GM. The new GM was a right cow and the AGM was the worst AGM Alex had ever experienced. They lured Alex in with the promise of being captain and then once he signed told him he could not lead. Despite this, he still won the award for best defenceman in the league. Alex hated his time in Yukon so much that he quit playing hockey forever.
Saskatoon Wild (115 games)
Rick Osman was traded to Saskatoon at the end of his career, playing just 19 games for the team. He decided not to re-sign with the team after receiving his first TV deal with his business partner Alex Armstrong.
Juan Ceson was sent to the wilderness of Saskatoon by his evil GM AJ and it was the worst experience of his life. His time there still haunts him and he vowed to never go back (apart from away games and for business opportunities).
Stan Par, the first of Juan’s proteges, signed with Saskatoon as a waiver, the team as some sort of test from Juan to see if Stan could survive the league. He couldn’t.
Minnesota Storm (72 games)
Alex Armstrong was traded, for the second time in two seasons, from Yukon to the Minnesota Storm. Alex wasn’t sure about playing in his third country in four seasons but Minnesota turned out to be a great move. It was this team that helped Alex achieve his goal of winning the Founder’s Cup. Although the team chose not to re-sign him, he still has fond memories of this former minor league team.
Philadelphia Reapers (72 games)
Ant R. Sap, one of Juan’s mentees, signed with Philadelphia. His main reason for doing this was because the local zoo had lots of red pandas and the Reapers GM promised that he would be able to actually hold one of the red pands. Ant loves red pandas more than he even loves hockey. He also loved his GM because his GM loved red pandas too. He retired to become a zoologist.
Houston Bulls (23 games)
Pat Snar was hired to play Juan Ceson in the Juan Ceson movie. He signed with Houston to learn how to play hockey.
Mississauga Hounds (18 games)
Rick Osman signed with the Hounds as a waiver. He didn’t spend very long there. It was fun.
San Diego Marlins (13 games)
The San Diego Marlins are great. I should have signed with them sooner.
Ottawa Lynx (6 games)
I don’t remember anything. Sorry Ottawa!
Miami Marlins (3 games and counting)
Royski's the best.
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