Mongoose87

1. The team has gotten too soft. We should cover our jerseys in concrete. 2. He must be very sore. 3. We need forwards that can maintain possession and finish chances. 4. I have a strict no zombie policy, but I'm willing to institute a special waiver if press conferences are forthcoming. 5. Favorite during my childhood was probably Darkwing Duck. Favorite in retrospect is Star Trek TNG. 6. Hot chocolate. I'm a tea drinker.

1. I was going for better, but I understand we're a young team that still needs to grow 2. Panda's goalie, naturally. 3. The Whalers. I really thought they'd exist this season. 4. Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? 5. I had a beef bacon and egg sandwich, it was pretty divine. 6. Water is the essence of moisture, and moisture is the essence of wetness.

1. I don't put too much stock in preseason, especially for a young team like us. 2. 4 TPE. Not bad. 3. Nah, I don't have much time to watch streams. 4. No, I find I lost track of the draft and just hold it up. 5. Very happy, no bias. 6. I just spent the day trying not to throw up.

1. Gotta be honest, I didn't pay attention. I'm sure you guys did great. 2. Good luck. We're all counting on you. 3. I don't actually know how to check that. 4. I'm sure they're all deserving and not secretly FSB agents. 5. It's what I'm here for! 6. I think it would depend on how broadly you categorize things that roll and things that open into those criteria.

1. I think so? I only half paid attention. 2. Regression comes for us all. 3. Not really, just had a baby, plenty to do. 4. Not really, I'm a bit self centered with awards, and I don't have a shot at any. 5. Not really, just how I approach them. 6. Blueberry.

1. We just have too much talent for the rest to handle. 2. You know the greatest danger facing us is ourselves, an irrational fear of the unknown. But there’s no such thing as the unknown — only things temporarily hidden, temporarily not understood. 3. Shields holding at 95%. 4. James Teekirque of the United Federation of Planets Hockey Development System. 5. Hopping now, sir. 6. I have no happy memories of international hockey.

Claiming 3/3

No, I can share.

Oh damn, I didn't realize I was still eligible. Time to kick ass and chew bubble gum.

Claiming 2/3

1. I am looking forward to the Feast of A Thousand Hams. 2. TBH, I don't follow the playoffs if I'm not in them 3. See above comment. 4. I've tried. I'm going to need to rethink it, the paradigm is totally different. 5. I'm not intimately familiar with any of them. I think. You'd be amazed how ignorant I am of league events. 6. Back when Z ran an offseason tourney, there was a team called the "Offensive Stereotypes."

Hybrid Attributes and You: The New Meta OR How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Clap Bombs It's in the news everywhere. CNN. The Washington Post. The BBC. The Atlantic. Vanity Fair. Rolling Stone. Better Homes and Gardens. That's right: Hybrid Attributes. Simon T has made passing so pathetic that without intervention, it will get gangrene and fall off. Rather than raise a measly $500 000 and hire a small company to develop their own simulator, with logic and a less obnoxious creator (if you don't believe me, look at anything Simon T has ever said on his forums), Head Office has decided to implement a total restructuring of the attributes that you, the taxpayer, can spend your hard-earned TPE. It's a classic case of government overreach, just like public schools, the EPA, the IRS and driver's licenses. What's next - a license to make toast in your own damn toaster? Unfortunately, for strong, liberty-oriented men like you and me, the voters have become so accustomed to suckling on the government teat, that this injustice is unlikely to be reverted any time soon. With that in mind, here is a guide to building a strong, masculine player to dominate the bleeding hearts on the ice and the scoreboard. Underlying Attributes to Maximize Faceoffs - There is no greater flex than literally winning every faceoff. Imagine the dismay on your opponent's face when he knows in his bleeding heart that you are going to begin every play with possession. Every time you skate into the circle, you cooly slide that puck on back to your defense with as much ease as a bowel movement, at least if you're eating Mongoose87 brand Testosterone Prunes (link in the signature). What? You don't play center? Center is a man's position, get the hell out of my guide. Strength - When I played in beer league, my muscles were literally too big. I had to order custom sized pads in order to fit them over my chest and arms. As a result, anyone who came near me ended up on their ass, and I kept the damn puck. Even after I was expelled from the league, because three goalies elbowed in the head is supposedly too much to be a series of accidents, I kept the damn puck. All the damn pucks. I grabbed the bag and ran, and my best friend owns the only sporting goods store in town, so now those chumps have to order their pucks online. Imagine having a hockey league and not being able to buy pucks! What a bunch of chumps. What was my point? Just be fucking strong. Penalty Shot - Any guy with the kind of strength and masculinity you're going to have if you follow this guide (and eat your Mongoose87 Testosterone Prunes, don't forget, link in the signature) is going to draw a lot of penalties, stick infractions to be specific. Don't be surprised if every Tom, Dick and Harry is constantly looking for the chance to sneak their stick into your skates, or break your custom shop synthetic stick with a quick slash. It comes with the territory, kid. They're jealous of us and they can't even pull themselves up by the own bootstraps and become real hockey players. As a result, expect to lead the league in penalty shots every year. For most players, penalty shots are pretty well a toss up. Not for us. Scoring 70% or more on penalty shots is a major power move. Puck Handling - I know what you're thinking - this is for soft Russians who would rather do ballet on ice than throw a check. I don't dispute that. However, as we already discussed, passing is like deliberately contracting the clap, and the doctor tells me I'm in serious trouble if I get that again. That means you're going to possess the puck. A lot. (Side note for any men currently going through a divorce make sure you only possess the puck physically, not legally. My ex-wife didn't get a single one of my pucks in the settlement.) Unless you want to dump and chase like some kind of socialist, you're going to carry the puck everywhere, like a man who values his rights. Shooting - The truest of power moves is the slap shot. Its mere sound intimidates lesser males. I use a slap shot any chance I get. I don't give a shit about league rules, I'm winding that shit up and clapping it. I even introduced the slap shot to my baseball league, a first in sporting history. Underlying Attributes to Avoid Skating - As we established you're going to be big, strong and constantly in possession of the puck. Then, I ask you, why are you wasting your pressure bodily fluids sweating from skating hard? That's half a step away from dump and chase, you commie. We put our work in before we step in the ice, by bulking and eating plenty of Mongoose87 Testosterone Prunes (link in the signature). We don't need to skate fast or hard. We're already hard. Defense - You're already possessing the puck off of every faceoff. You're never getting knocked off the puck. You're clapping huge bombs that score every time - when they don't slash you and give you an easy penalty shot. So, tell me, why should you waste what little TPE you have, after the greedy taxman has snatched a cut, on learning something you're never going to use? Just stay the hell away from this money pit. Leadership - Real leaders lead by example and by putting weak chumps in their place. If your teammates are looking to you for a brave speech, tell them to shut up and eat their prunes. If watching your muscle-bound ass score at will isn't enough to inspire them, they're a lost cause. Passing - Imagine you're on an Alaskan cruise. You've just been given your last warning for using one of the ten firearms you exercised your right to smuggle aboard to shoot whales. Your heartless bitch of a wife is spending every waking moment with that Italian Pilates instructor. You've been banned from the casino for setting up a competing roulette wheel at the pool (so much for the free market). There's been a recall on the mussels and the kitchen staff will not let you exercise your right to ignore that recall. You've broken into the kitchen at 2:00am and fried up your own batch, just to show them. Twenty minutes later, you're puking up the mussels, your whisky and the emergency gold nugget you swallow, just in case. That's passing. High Priority Hybrid Attributes to Focus On Slap Shot - This one is a no brainer. Two of my favorite attributes, in one place - this is gold. Pump this one sky high. Wrist Shot - Scoring and penalty shot, perfect. Though I am leery of the prospect of taking a wrist shot, instead of a manly slap shot, you can't discount how important it is to raise your Penalty Shot rating. Faceoffs - This one is another gold bar, boosting both Faceoffs and Strength. This might be the most masculine Hybrid Attribute there is. I'm giving this attribute my Mongoose87 Golden Prune award for manliness. If you have TPE, get it in here. Deals With the Devil - Hybrid Attributes That Mostly Increase Good Attributes Stick Handling and Deking - I know what you're thinking. These increase Skating and Defense, two of the attributes I specifically told you weren't worth your time. However, if we ignore my concerns and use math (despite being invented by Isaac Newton, a British virgin), we discover that they increase Stick Handling three and two times as much. So, like me ignoring that the AK-47s I purchased were invented and manufactured by damned communists, we ignore the downsides to get our guns. Offensive Vision - I hate to recommend anything that increases passing so much. It's like finding out your Mongoose87 Testosterone Prunes have been switched out for a batch of bad mussels spiked with a heavy dose of a sedative, so that your wife's lawyer can secure your gold bars, preventing you from hiding them before the divorce proceedings. It's that bad. But if you're going to get your scoring high enough to clap serious bombs, you're just going to have to eat those mussels. My advice? Make yourself puke right afterwards. Stick Checking - This one just barely made it on here, just like I can barely stand to show a driver's licence issued by the illegitimate tyrants at the MTO. But, if you want to be so the strongest man on the ice, sometimes you have to suck it up and present that disgusting little piece of plastic. Hybrid Attributes to Avoid Passing - Passing ruined football and it will ruin you. This pointless hybrid attribute only increases that underlying plague. Stay the hell away, bub! Speed - A hybrid attribute that only increases skating? Why not just burn all of your money? At least that will keep your house warm. Don't ask to get gangrene. Poise - A tiny bit of leadership and a lot of discipline. Discipline is for pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and for painstaking painting tiny models of the Army of Northern Virginia. Not for hockey. Real men show dominance on the ice, not restraint. You already know what I think of leadership. Defensive Coverage - This attribute increases Defense and Skating, two attributes so putrid, I'm surprised Head Office's nanny state hasn't banned them, yet. Invest in this if you want to be the kind of guy that guys like me run over. On the ice, I mean. There it is, folks. With this keen advice, before you know it, they'll be looking for reasons to nerf these new stats. Remember, they're constantly looking for reasons to put successful men like you and me down. That's what the government is there for. And while we're here, stop banking TPE for regression. You can't trust banks with your hard earned money. Invest in gold. WORD COUNT: 1664 Claiming for: Weeks ending March 20, March 27, April 3

1. Pretty well in line with how the rest of it was. 2. I have a massive media I'll be posting soon to get many TEPs. 3. Jury's still out. It's going to take some time to get used to the lower totals in STHS. 4. I really think Ursa Minor Beta takes The Ashes. 5. I don't follow basketball, so let's say... University of Winnipeg. 6. The Penguins could use some middle 6 scoring, but I'm not sure I'd want them to give up what it would take to get.

1. My short game. Really focused on my putting. 2. All of them? 3. Make the playoffs. 4. 87 is an old favorite, though 42 gets some play. 5. Who the hell trades for Wentz? 6. NO.

1. Score more goals than we allow. 2. Generally I prefer graphics. I find it's easier to pick them up when I have a minute. 3. Maybe something relating to Mjolnir? 4. Jocke Jockesson. Second in scoring and much better +/- than the two best to him. 5. Same as the rest of the year - video games and role-playing games. 6. Margherita with extra cheese.

1. I thought I'd be closer to a point per game. 2. Public beatings for insubordination. 3. Regression. It's a poetic commentary on human existence. 4. Probably Auston Matthews. McDavid is great offensively, but Matthews is better on defense. 5. Pittsburgh. 6. Chocolate chip cookie dough.

1. Well, we traded our goalie, so I'd say hope is done. 2. Remember to let me score on you. 3. Nah, I've already got regular Wordle, a knock off and Worldle. 4. My own PT based on the Trojan war. 5. Honestly, I've never paid much attention to All Star games. 6. It's nice. They've found an ingenious solution to preventing the answers from just passing LR to LR.

"Sing, O goddess, the anger of Achilles son of Peleus, that brought countless ills upon the Achaeans. Many a brave soul did it send hurrying down to Hades, and many a hero did it yield a prey to dogs and vultures, for so were the counsels of Jove fulfilled from the day on which the son of Atreus, king of men, and great Achilles, first fell out with one another." - Homer The Trojan War was a ten year epic battle, which brought together in one conflict a collection of Heroes rivaled only by the crew of the Argo and the Hunt for the Calydonian Boar. The Heroes of the Trojan War are no doubt greater than those of the Argo and are known in greater detail than those of the Hunt, so their case for supremacy is solid. But, would their deeds on the ice match their exploits in the field of battle? Left Wing - Achilles son of Peleus Brave Achilles was perhaps the easiest of these warriors to place. His stick handling is unparalleled, as was seen in the way he felled Troy's mightiest, Hector. The level of quality and protection afforded to the heel by modern skates means that, when properly laced up, he is literally invincible on the boards - the puck can only be taken from him with a skillful stick, never a body check. His temper has been known to land him in the box, but his leadership and unparalleled skill are well worth the occasional penalty. Right Wing - Paris of Troy Contrasting sharply with his Right Wing counterpart, where Achilles is a bullying power forward, Paris is a skillful sniper. Known to shy away from the more physical parts of the game, nonetheless, Paris' shot is literally deadly (right Achilles?). His fleet skating means he is constantly a threat to create an odd man rush or breakaway. Contrary to stereotypes about less physical snipers, his greatest exploits have been on defense, protecting his own end or stealing, whether it be pucks or wives. Center - Odysseus of Ithaca While our two wingers are youthful and hot blooded, often letting their emotions steer them, rather than their wits, Odysseus is the opposite. Perhaps the cleverest man in Hellas, his vision and hockey sense in the offensive and defensive zone are unmatched. While not known to be a remarkable physical specimen, at least compared to his contemporaries, his ability to read a play and think two steps ahead of his opposition are well worth dealing with any bouts of feigned insanity. Defense - Ajax the Great Towering over the others is the mighty Ajax. A true stay at home defenseman, he is never a threat to join the rush. This is hardly a problem, since his defensive prowess is unmatched. He fearlessly blocks shots, as though he had a uniform thick as seven calf's hides. With his reach, he turns two on ones into one on ones. Defense - Agamemnon of Mycenae While Agamemnon's greatest personal exploits are behind him the experience he gained in conquering his empire makes him an invaluable steady hand on the blue line. He has a knack for wrangling possession of the puck and then quickly turning possession into a rush. Though temperamental, his leadership is unquestionable and free agents jump to play with him. Goal - Hector of Troy Brave, honorable, beloved by all, Hector is the selfless warrior who places the defense of his home above all else. That, combined with his skill and speed make him the ideal netminder. Backup Goaltender - Menelaus of Sparta If his punk ass could keep his wife happy, none of the guys above would've died. Nail his ass to the bench!

James Teekirque Video Goes Viral Amidst a frustrating season in Oslo, reports have been surfacing that defenseman James Teekirque, accustomed to competing for a title every season, has been lashing out. A recent video that surfaced on TikTok appears to corroborate those reports. In the video, Teekirque is visibly agitated and possibly inebriated. His arms are flailing wildly and he is alternately yelling and muttering. For the most part, it is difficult to discern what he is saying. However, shortly before the end of the video, Teekirque notices the person recording and speaks directly and clearly to the camera. He says, "GEORGE, I know this is YOUR FAULT! I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DID IT. I don't know who you're working with. I KNOW YOU'RE STILL JEALOUS OF ME!"l YOU'LL NEVER BE AS GOOD AS ME GEORGE! I'm the star! I. AM. THE. STAR!" Shortly after Teekirque lashes out towards the camera, which falls to the ground. There is a moment of darkness, and when the camera refocuses, we can see Teekirque fleeing into the distance. Teekirque's agent has released a statement on the video: "This video is an obvious fabrication, clearly created to smear Jim's reputation and in an attempt to drive a wedge between him and his teammates. I suspect a closer examination will find that the man in the recording is a Romulan crisis actor."

1. Eh, not great. But Oslo hasn't been very good. 2. Davos has been up and down, but I think you guys can straighten it out. 3. I think you'll squeak in. 4. I'm just not good at consistently checking my draft, so I don't do it to not inconvenience others. 5. Not bad. I made apple turnovers. From scratch! 6. Tbh, I don't like logo changes.

1. Man, I just, like, see us all in this, like universe, man. 2. James Teekirque 3. The demons that dwell inside me. 4. The Hounds and Davos. Screw any team that isn't mine! 5. Not sure yet, still getting to know the room. 6. Yeah, it's not gonna be fun. Not that part.

Captain's Log, stardate 31012022. I have completed my first season on this other Earth. The locals, despite my unparalleled performance, chose not to recognize me with an award. Fortunately, I am extremely humble. My team, the Hounds, met defeat in the first round of the playoffs, which gave me a second opportunity to use my remarkable humility, in addition to the unjust denial of my -the- award. For the first time, I am longing for my old mission. The five year mission of the UFHD brought me to new places, taught me new dirty dangles and sick dekes. Here, I see the same things every week: the same saves, the same shots, the same species of women. WOMEN! SO MANY HUMAN WOMEN! Before I could meet women with any combination of ear shape and forehead ridge you could imagine! Even some with extra neck ridges! I can just imagine, I'd meet them at the bar after the game, show them my award - THE AWARD, which I should've won - and then tell them what it's like to skate in the stars. But here, they're all so smooth, their ears are boring and round. I think I'd settle for someone green at this point. I think I'll discuss these feelings with Mr Puck. He has always been a dear, close friend. Teekirque out.

1. Score a bunch of points, take a lot of shots. 2. Win a playoff series. 3. It starts and ends with the same letter. 4. I've never been President of Russia. 5. Good idea, I expect to do some here and there. 6. I'd make VHLM careers longer. That's my favorite part of the league.

1. You can spend one year anywhere you want. Where is that? 2. Do you or have you played hockey IRL? 3. What is your favorite less popular meme? 4. You have been stranded on a desert island with only a bag of hockey equipment. Which piece of equipment is of most use to you and why? 5. What changes would you like to see made to the league rules? 6. What's your secret for success?