Mongoose87

Tried something a little less traditional.

1. Ottawa is going to be a tough matchup, there's no doubt. We have this funny way of winning games despite getting shelled, though, so I do think we have a chance to pull a fast one. 2. I didn't expect to have anywhere near as many points as I've had. 3. If we win this round, we go all the way. 4. In a way, they're all winners. In another more accurate way, if Ottawa makes it past us, they're taking it home. 5. Richard Pennisson is so dangerous with his goal scoring ability. If we can't keep him under control, we're done for. 6. In all my one week in the league, I've never known a team with this much heart. Hell, yes, we can

You have eliminated an inefficient "c" from your name, saving us 20% of the keystrokes that would otherwise be required.

See what I can do when I'm not riding the pine!?

Seattle 4-2

17 Calgary Wranglers @ Vancouver Wolves 18 D.C. Dragons @ Seattle Bears 19 Malmo Nighthawks @ Moscow Menace 20 Riga Reign @ Prague Phantoms

Kosmo Kramerev Calls Press Conference Alan Benes - TNS - THE NETWORK OF SPORTS Today, newly-minuted San Diego Marlin Kosmo Kramerev called a press conference. Trademark cigar in hand, Kramerev strode out to the podium with simultaneously cocky and precarious gait that reporters are beginning to know well. Stepping up to the podium, Kramerev uttered a short statement: "He dunks," Kramerev said. The gathered press murmured, and before any could put together a question in response, Kramerev spoke again. "Joe DiMaggio dunks his donuts." Reporter Lloyd Braun, with Netsports, asked, "You mean the baseball player? The dead baseball player." Kramerev nodded and pointed enthusiastically at Braun. "You got it. The Yankee Clipper. He dunks." An uncomfortable hush took the media scrum, before Kramerev declared, "No questions." Striding away from the podium, Kramerev paused to point and wink at a camera before leaving the room. Marlins fans would be well-advised to expect more of these sorts of events. If reports from Kramerev's exploits in Europe are to be believed, pointless press conferences are on the milder side of his peculiarities.

Interview with Kosmo Kramerev Alan Benes - TNS THE NETWORK OF SPORTS I had the remarkable privilege to sit down with VHLM newcomer Kosmo Kramerev this week. Kramerev is a unique and controversial figure in hockey, and while his pursuit of innovation is unquestioned, he has a reputation for questionable commitment, perhaps best illustrated by the three divorces he has gone through since 2017. Kramerev's entrance to our studio for the interview was unique to say the least. To begin with, he entered, opened and closed the door in a single motion. He required three attempts to sit in the chair I offered to him and after nearly flipping the chair over backwards, he settled, legs crossed, chewing a thick Cuban cigar AB: Kosmo, thank you for joining me here today. KK: Glad to be here. Mint? [He holds out a roll of Junior Mints. I politely decline, and he pops a mint into his mouth, and immediately begins choking on it. After a brief recess, we resume the interview.] AB: Kosmo, scouts have found it overwhelmingly difficult to evaluate your on-ice performance. Between abbreviated seasons, inconsistent competition and unorthodox rules, your career has been anything but average. Can you tell me what you see as your biggest assets? KK: My face is my livelihood, my allure...my twinkle! Everything I have I owe to this face. AB: Interesting, not the sort of thing I'd expect to hear from a hockey player, but let's talk about that. You're coming off your third divorce since 2017. That's two weddings and three divorces in a three year period. What would you say is at the root of that? KK: I got the Kavorka, Alan. The lure of the animal! I'm dangerous, I'm very Dangerous! AB: So, you believe you have some sort of animalistic attractiveness that women can't resist? KK: Yeah, Alan, I’m telling you I have this power. And I have no control over it. AB: And that's the story for all three wives? KK: It's the timeless art of seduction. You got to join in the dance. She sends you an enticing photo, you send her one right back. AB: But things grew activist acrimonious, especially with your second wife. KK: You know how there's some people you worry about whether you're going to hurt their feelings? With her, I'm looking forward to it. I'd like to get it on video, watch it in slow motion and freeze-frame it. Oh ho, yeah. AB: That sounds pretty hostile. KK: She dumped me! She rolled right over me! Said I was a hipster doofus. Am I a hipster doofus? AB: I try to avoid calling anyone I interview a doofus. Now, turning back to hockey, you played defense under coach Larry Kasparov. I understand he entrusted you with some serious responsibility on the ice. KK: He'd put me out there with a one goal lead, I'd tell him, "Yeah, don't worry, Larry. We're right on this guy like stink on a monkey." AB: But you were a minus 30 on the year. KK: What do you want me to say? That the things haven't worked out the way that I planned? That I'm struggling, barely able to keep my head above water? That I'm no better than a screenwriter driving a cab, a starlet turning tricks, a producer in a house he can't afford? Is that what you want me to say? AB: No, I was hoping we could discuss your defensive game. [At this point we took a coffee break at Kramerev's request.] Please tune in next week for part two of this fascinating conversation. 603 words

1. I'm a big fan of the signing, since Viperxhawks19 signed me, so he clearly has his head on straight. 2. Thanks to brilliant moves to add depth, like signing me, I'm confident we can make a serious run. 3. It really feels like I was a ghost most nights out there. I'll try to be more present. 4. I've seen it happen, there can be no doubt. 5. So far, I've never been happier with a VHLM team. 6. I like to eat a dozen fried eggs with pretzel buns to dip in the yolk. Really fuels me up.

You can thank der meister, cause I'm going where he's at. I accept this offer.

Kosmo Kramerev has been something of an enigma in Eastern European hockey for years now, making it difficult to project his future professional career. Seasons aborted part way through for legal trouble, an extended absence for a honeymoon in Bermuda, an extended absence for a heated divorce and what is believed to be two years of fighting both for and against pro-Russia militias have all created massive interruptions to his hockey career. The above picture is believed to be from Kramerev's bachelor party before the second of three marriages, taken in Kiev. Further frustrating any evaluation of his on-ice performance is his participation exclusively in new start up leagues, all of them believed to be financed from his own personal fortune, and none of them existing for longer than two seasons. I will do my best to summarize what is known of each season of Kramerev's Junior career. 2013 - Minsk - THL - Tops Hockey League Following a case of mistaken identity paired up with the dubious strategy of hiring a chess master as a hockey coach, Kramerev began his hockey career in a team of by American janitor Larry Kasparov. Kramerev excelled with the puck, but his focus on the defensive zone was questionable at best, resulting in a league leading 35 goals in 40 games, as well as a -30 on the season. The THL did not track assists. Kasparov noted that Kramerev was the fastest skater he had ever coached. 2014 - Minsk - THL Kramerev came out of the gate like a horse on fire, notching five goals in three games before spending the next eight months in prison for multiple murders, only securing his release when the true killer stuck again. During Kramerev's imprisonment, the THL found its funding had dried up and the league folded after its second season. 2015 - San Francisco - NHL - NASA Hockey League Founded out of a desire to start a hockey league for astronauts, the NHL played only one game before the league and Kramerev himself were sued by NASA and the National Hockey League. No goals were scored during this game, due to the league mandate that players wear space suits. Kramerev was ejected in the second period for spitting a mint in the face of an official. There is no record of Kramerev's location during 2016 and 2017, but unsubstantiated reports place him in multiple paramilitary groups in Eastern Ukraine. 2018- Moscow - PHL - Postal Hockey League Founded in honor of hardworking postal workers, Kramerev started strong, posting 3 goals and five assists in ten games prior to meeting a desk chair model in Krakow and wedding overnight, before taking an extended leave of absence in Bermuda. He would return for the season finale, scoring a hat trick, but failing to reach the playoffs. 2019 - Moscow - PHL Kramerev struggled from the outset, notching only one assist in five games, citing personal problems. This would prove to be true as he would spend the remainder of the season in Paris completing complicated divorce proceedings due to conflicting prenuptial agreements. Scouts are impressed with Kramerev's smooth, fast skating and confidence carrying the puck, but for obvious reasons, his standing as a prospect is dubious.

Hello everyone, glad to be here. I'm very impressed with the setup you have here, and I'm looking forward to having some fun here.

391 D.C. Dragons @ Helsinki Titans 392 New York Americans @ Riga Reign 393 Seattle Bears @ Moscow Menace 394 Toronto Legion @ Vancouver Wolves

Moscow 4-3

Player Information Username: Mongoose87 Player Name: Kosmo Kramerev Recruited From: Member (Der Meister) Age: 39 Position: D Height: 74 in. Weight: 165 lbs. Birthplace: Ukraine Player Page @VHLM GM