creed rant 2

[assassin6898 81]

so this weeks rant is about the creed and the teams he has ran into so first is my guy. I don't know if any of the other players have seen this in the history of vhl but creed is a type one diabetic. And works had to not let that get him down and also he has asthma and adhd and autism. He does not let these things get him down as creed plays before coming to the vhl he would spend days skating the icing rink. and during the season of vhl/vhlm he would watch the games of every team and during his time in school he would play on the hockey teams he was put at center as he aspired from watching the vhl greats at center play so he worked hard to get to be a center and in school they gave it to him in his first season of little league hockey he was named the little rookie of the year with his little league team winning the cup his first season. after a couple years in little league hockey he went and to play in the high school level and win a championship and high school rookie of the year with the he would play their for a couple years before going to collage for a year in total during his time in little league hockey and high school hockey he won a total of 2 rookie of the years, 7 championships, 6 mvps,7 all team first, 2 defensive player of the year and others. now in his collage year he won the championship 1-0 and was awarded the finals mvp he also won the the season mvp and defensive player of the year and officially got called to come to the vhl where he would be Offred a try out contract for the rest of the season he was Offred and he accepted a contract to the san Diego marlins he played fifty games with the marlins with finishing the season with 6 goals and 8 assist. A good tryout contract creed believed at the end of the season it was he draft the during the vhl draft he was drafted by the dc dragons at number twenty fourth of the draft and the vhlm draft he was drafted twenty seventh overall by Halifax. Creed is very thankful to be apart of the dream he has and is hoping to become a future hall of famer of the vhl and win titles and win awards his dream is about to become a reality the teams that i have ran into so far is the marlin, Halifax and dragons. ill start with the marlins the marlins gm @thadthrasheris the gm of the team he is the one that reached out to creed and Offred him a try out contract which creed happily accepted thad is a nice and caring gm as he helped me learn the ways to earn tpe every week and the rules. with the @rory being the gm of Halifax he is also a nice guy and Offred a boat as a bonus to everyone on the team so creed took a yaught boat and ride it around the city before going to every game now on to dc dragons gm who is @Enorama nice and cares about his players and is looking to make i to the finals this year. this has been your weekly creed rant.

 

[Banackock 8,170]

Hey

[assassin6898 81]

hey

 

[ROOKIE745 608]

Not a review, but just want to offer some advice, with your rants or any long posts, consider separating it into three or two paragraphs, makes it a lot easier to read ^^

[BOOM 8,846]

I thought the rant would be about something else tbh.

 

[assassin6898 81]

16 minutes ago, BOOM said:

I thought the rant would be about something else tbh.

 

i would do the burgh but dont want to bother the staff with begging them that i want a pittsburgh team if it gets added ill be glad but either next week or the week after rant depending when vht gets release ill make the next rant about the coming of the intrest of having a pittsburgh team in the vhl and how i went over it

[assassin6898 81]

Just now, assassin6898 said:

i would do the burgh but dont want to bother the staff with begging them that i want a pittsburgh team if it gets added ill be glad but either next week or the week after rant depending when vht gets release ill make the next rant about the coming of the intrest of having a pittsburgh team in the vhl and how i went over it

as i did ask for a pittsburgh team to be added but was told by alot of people that hey we just had an expansion not long ago and this would be less likley but it was my shot to try to get a team to the burgh but ill go over of what happened and what i was told why it would take a bit to get another expansion team

 

[jRuutu 2,483]

6.5/10

 

I do like to story. You gave a quick history lesson on your player, which is nice since we don't get to read about the stories behind the players too often in VHL!

 

Unfortunately, the wall of text means the whole article is quite hard to read. As mentioned already here, you could add some spaces between the paragraphs. I also noticed quite a few grammatical errors. I recommend using a site called: ''grammarly.com''. It's free to use. You can copy/paste all your texts there, and the thing shows where you have made errors! Nice tool. I use it as well.

 

Adding some a picture could also be nice. Overall, the story was cool, structure and fine details could use some work.

[NerdyCowz 55]

6/10 

 

having a character was nice however i think like stated above the wall of text made it difficult and abit hard to read/ follow along.  maybe work on some better spacing as well. try to work on grammar and use a site that could help. try to focus on spacing and bolding worlds etc to make it easier to read. 

 

keep the character going!