The Jardy Boys Casefiles: The Missing Goalie Mystery

[animal74 1,863]

The Jardy Boys Casefiles:

The Missing Goalie Mystery

 

As Bob Cole once sang in the 90s – “Where have all the goalies gone”?

 

To which ace detective Sher-banacock Holmes would now respond – “Elementary! The answer is in the E. Or, rather, the VHLE!”

 

With the emergence of the VHLE and the need to fill the new teams with viable players, a veritable exodus of puck-stopping talent has followed leaving the VHL goaltending carousal shattered like plexiglass hit with an Alex Letang slapshot.

 

How shattered, you ask?

 

Only five teams in the VHL currently have two goalies on their roster, the Vancouver Wolves, Moscow Menace, HC Davos Dynamo, Warsaw Predators, and LA Stars. Of the incumbent starters, only seven have a TPA above 600. By contrast, one team that shall remain nameless (*cough*, RIGA, *cough*) have been content with providing their league-best offense with a bot goalie who has played surprisingly well causing some hockey experts to wonder if Reign GM @hedgehog337 hasn’t busted retired HOFer Kallis Kriketers out of his nursing home and strapped the pads on him - with a glass of prune juice between periods.

 

Riga's goalie depth chart - empty

 

And all this goes on with, at the time of this writing, three actively welfaring netminders with over 300 TPA sitting as free agents (although there are rumors swirling that they are going fast). Also, the fact that for the last few seasons, the VHL has discouraged burgeoning masked talent from plying their skills here and now with the VHLE taking the mid-level prospects, the VHL is in a net of hurt like taking a puck to the junk after forgetting your jock.

 

To add another wrinkle to this net equation, in the case of the Riga Reign and the missing goalie, the VHL Rule Book (we have one of those?) clearly states in section 14.3 - Spirit of Competition:

 

ii. CPU Goaltenders - Teams may not start a CPU Goaltender for more than 8 games in a season, when a human created goaltender above 250 TPA is available. If the team does not have a human created goaltender on their roster, they must make a reasonable attempt to acquire one, whether that is through trade, free agency, or the VHL Entry Draft.

 

Not to rain on Riga’s season, but we are awfully close to eight games into the season. What will they do? What will the league do? I understand from sources that they are against the salary cap but how much longer will Kriketers want to miss his tomato soup and soft peanut butter cookie lunches at the nursing home?

 

To be fair, I have no BOG or GM experience so I’m writing this with equal parts jocularity and disbelief as I do believe there needs to be discussion around this issue. Also, there are a few goalies welfaring hard to get another crack at their VHL dream, their hopes hanging in limbo for no good reason. Will enough goalies be found to save the VHL? How tight can Kallis wear his pads before losing circulation? Does he really like tomato soup? Find out all this and more on the next episode of The Jardy Boys!

 

Edited September 25, 2021 by animal74

[The Domino Archives 334]

is it weird that i love this type of thing

Edited September 24, 2021 by Domino

[Spartan 4,561]

3 hours ago, animal74 said:

when a human created goaltender above 250 TPA is available

None of these are available, so that's the sticking point. I think someone pointed out there were 16 user goalies over 400 TPE, and 2 teams have 2 of those goalies. I think VAN and MOS are the 2 teams, so 2 teams will be running bots in net regardless. So even if Riga made a reasonable attempt, someone else would then be going through the same thing. I don't think this rule is going to be strictly enforced this season, but who knows? A curious case indeed

 

Edit: With the E, the 250 is now 400. Those 300 TPA folks you mentioned can't be called up as per the new rules of no mid-season callups/sendowns.

Edited September 25, 2021 by Spartan

[animal74 1,863]

@Spartan They are/were available. They were free agents.

[Spartan 4,561]

1 minute ago, animal74 said:

@Spartan They are/were available. They were free agents.

But you can't call up anyone under 350 TPE either. So in the off-season, they couldn't be signed. Mid-season, they can't be called up. See the conundrum that makes following the bot goalie rule hard to follow haha

[N0HBDY 1,139]

We’ve moved into the era of the bot goalies 

[The Domino Archives 334]

12 minutes ago, N0HBDY said:

We’ve moved into the era of the bot goalies 

tru

[animal74 1,863]

If I didn't have a name already picked for my next goalie, I would totally call him Bot Goalie.

[NickSunderbruch 392]

This article is hella creative and I love the concept, just the simple question of "where are all the goalies?" is a cool premise. I really enjoy the way you paced your article and I love the way your humor shines through. Absolutely a beat of an article, and one I'll remember for sure. Solid 9/10