fishy 1,716 Posted March 11, 2022 Share Posted March 11, 2022 (edited) Earlier this week, while I was lying in bed trying (unsuccessfully) to fall asleep, I was thinking about my relationship to the VHL. I know that sounds somewhat odd–why am I thinking about the VHL when I can’t sleep at 3am on a Tuesday? I don’t have a great answer, but I did have an interesting conversation with myself that I’m just going to post onto this website for no one in particular other than myself. For a long time, I decided each day that VHL was the escape I wanted. On some level, even, the escape I needed. This website, the discord server, this community, ultimately, gave me a space where I could go to stop thinking, feeling, trying to understand my general unhappiness. I’m really thankful to have encountered so many great people here–people who, honestly, I probably wouldn’t enjoy much in person and vice versa. The internet lends itself nicely to those kinds of relationships. Lately, though, I’ve felt that the VHL isn’t a place I much enjoy escaping to. That may be, in part, because I have less in my personal life that I feel I want or need to escape from. That’s not to say I dislike being here. I still visit pretty much every day, I still appreciate the people I talk to regularly. I’ve started to wonder, though, why I’m here. How is this community serving me? Why do I keep coming back despite feeling disappointed & stressed as a result of the VHL? There are a few reasons I’ve landed on, the first being that I like being part of a community, just generally. The VHL is, generally, a group of good people, and that can feel like something of a wonder on the internet. Another reason I’ve thought about has been that I feel welcomed here. I feel that I have a place in this community, and I’m accepted by everyone I cross paths with on the most fundamental level. That’s a privilege, and as fucking annoying as this place can be, it’s still very nice to know that I am safe & can belong here if I want to. Third is my desire to fix and improve things, but I think this is also a cause for disappointment and frustration. My work with the Code of Conduct was not at all rewarding. I was exceptionally discouraged by how poorly those updates were taken after having worked so hard on them. It was, quite honestly, only a small group of people who decided to meme that into the ground, but it was exhausting. The people who are upset will always be the loudest, and it was disheartening to watch as folks just complained and complained and shit on something I and the mod team worked so hard on. That whole situation was kind of a turning point, honestly. It really showed light on how hard I try to please other people and allow their thoughts and opinions shape my own self-evaluation. And from that point on, I’ve made a really strong effort to just … stop going out of my way to people please. I’ve been much happier since, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I find it easy. This isn’t just about being a mod, though. I think, generally, it’s about the fact that people aren’t very interested in listening. I think that’s true far beyond the scope of the VHL. One affordance of the internet is that you can just say shit. You get to say what you want, and maybe someone will read all the words you write. Maybe. I could go on but I think it’d be more appropriate for a journal entry than a post here, but I do pose the question, for anyone who is actually listening, of why you’re here. Why do you keep coming back? How is the VHL serving you? Edited March 11, 2022 by fishy Garsh, Dil, Shindigs and 4 others 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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