brain dump

[fishy 1,755]

Earlier this week, while I was lying in bed trying (unsuccessfully) to fall asleep, I was thinking about my relationship to the VHL. I know that sounds somewhat odd–why am I thinking about the VHL when I can’t sleep at 3am on a Tuesday? I don’t have a great answer, but I did have an interesting conversation with myself that I’m just going to post onto this website for no one in particular other than myself.

 

For a long time, I decided each day that VHL was the escape I wanted. On some level, even, the escape I needed. This website, the discord server, this community, ultimately, gave me a space where I could go to stop thinking, feeling, trying to understand my general unhappiness. I’m really thankful to have encountered so many great people here–people who, honestly, I probably wouldn’t enjoy much in person and vice versa. The internet lends itself nicely to those kinds of relationships. Lately, though, I’ve felt that the VHL isn’t a place I much enjoy escaping to. That may be, in part, because I have less in my personal life that I feel I want or need to escape from.

 

That’s not to say I dislike being here. I still visit pretty much every day, I still appreciate the people I talk to regularly. I’ve started to wonder, though, why I’m here. How is this community serving me? Why do I keep coming back despite feeling disappointed & stressed as a result of the VHL?

 

There are a few reasons I’ve landed on, the first being that I like being part of a community, just generally. The VHL is, generally, a group of good people, and that can feel like something of a wonder on the internet.

 

Another reason I’ve thought about has been that I feel welcomed here. I feel that I have a place in this community, and I’m accepted by everyone I cross paths with on the most fundamental level. That’s a privilege, and as fucking annoying as this place can be, it’s still very nice to know that I am safe & can belong here if I want to.

 

Third is my desire to fix and improve things, but I think this is also a cause for disappointment and frustration.

 

My work with the Code of Conduct was not at all rewarding. I was exceptionally discouraged by how poorly those updates were taken after having worked so hard on them. It was, quite honestly, only a small group of people who decided to meme that into the ground, but it was exhausting. The people who are upset will always be the loudest, and it was disheartening to watch as folks just complained and complained and shit on something I and the mod team worked so hard on.

 

That whole situation was kind of a turning point, honestly. It really showed light on how hard I try to please other people and allow their thoughts and opinions shape my own self-evaluation. And from that point on, I’ve made a really strong effort to just … stop going out of my way to people please. I’ve been much happier since, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I find it easy.

 

This isn’t just about being a mod, though. I think, generally, it’s about the fact that people aren’t very interested in listening. I think that’s true far beyond the scope of the VHL. One affordance of the internet is that you can just say shit. You get to say what you want, and maybe someone will read all the words you write. Maybe.

 

I could go on but I think it’d be more appropriate for a journal entry than a post here, but I do pose the question, for anyone who is actually listening, of why you’re here. Why do you keep coming back? How is the VHL serving you?

 

Edited March 11, 2022 by fishy

[Dil 1,744]

20 minutes ago, fishy said:

Why do you keep coming back? How is the VHL serving you?

Before I joined the VHL, I always new I wanted to go into software but I had never really tried to learn it on my own and hoped I’d just get around to it in college. 
 

When I joined the VHL, I found a way for me to start learning code and apply it to something I enjoyed, and began creating the VHL discord bot. From there,  and with the great help of @Josh I began learning even more and even landed my internship because of what I learned from snooping and messing around with portal code!

 

Oh and because of @Moon

[Arce 742]

fishy first off, just wanted to say great read and I love when people post MS that are interactive/end with a question. I am so glad to be on your team in DC, it's been a fun ride and we are only at the beginning of the road.

 

I came back because I figured why not see if something I previously enjoyed would give me the same joy? I did not expect to hang around. The virtual friendships I have built on this site since coming back have been a complete joy. I joke around, and mess around a lot but I have been very open about how much of a mental escape the VHL has been during stressful times in my life. It is nice to have an outlet like this one, and interact with the people I have been friendly with here. I have related to more people than I ever thought I would. Plus I do like a challenge, and the one thing I take seriously here is my player's build. Just trying to make the most of it for however long I am here this time.

[Eynhallow 412]

Well, fishy @fishy let me one of the many who really do appreciate your presence on this forum.  Please take pride in your accomplishments, even if, sometimes, they are not well met.  Why am I here ?  Good question.  And one I really don't think about much.  I do like the sense of community.  but let me make a comment here.  I have been part of forum-based "activities" for many, many years.  When I first started, it was the Wild West...anything goes, no respect for gender, race or creed.  That being said, at the time my mother passed.  One of the guys (from Georgia USA, I am in Northern Ontario) actually picked up the phone and called me with condolences and prayers.  That just blew me away !!  So, ya, the community thing is one of the reasons I am here.

 

Fundamentally, this forum/game is a source of entertainment. I enjoy hockey...always have since I started playing more than 50 years ago.  So, gravitating to a hockey-based game was pretty natural.

 

Third point being that with all the covid shit that has come down in the last 2 years, I have been kind of trapped in my home for more than 6 months a year.  May - September I am pretty much at my cottage with no internet so things slow down as far as the VHL is concerned.  But, otherwise, with no escape to sun, sand and margaritas, all I do is shovel snow !!!

 

Any way, fishy, like you, I enjoy being here.  If I didn't I would be long gone !!  But I have to say in closing that this does not occupy a whole big chunk of my life.  I am not consumed by these types of games/forums.  When you read what I post, you get what you get...I am not the most sensitive person in the world and I know it, but that's who I am.  No veneer.... 

 

Edited March 11, 2022 by Eynhallow

[JardyB10 4,834]

Sorry if I'm one of the people who meme Code of Conduct, I'm just immature and like making dick jokes. I certainly didn't intend to undermine any of the work you did, which I know was a shit ton. I maintain that the new CoC has helped the league as a whole and set it on a better path, even if @Gustav bitches about it/modding sometimes.

 

I'm not entirely sure what draws me into the VHL either. I'm consciously aware I could vanish at any given moment. All I need is a week or two away and I could easily not feel the need to return! I do like the VHL though, possibly for that ability to shout into the Internet void, regardless of whether it's heard or not. I also like the aspect of helping, I have such fond and exciting early memories of the VHL that I want other people to experience, and I like the idea of being part of that experience. Plus I can bully and razz people at will with no real consequence so that's pretty fun.

[Dom 1,440]

I'd say there are a few reasons why I keep coming back, one of them being the community feeling that the VHL brings. I like to just sit and go on discord, talking with people at any time of the day and all having the generally the same interests. I would say that I also likes to give myself some goals and attempt to achieve them. I also like to do my part and make the league better. I did have times when I wasn't feeling so great about stuff in the league too but I think it just show us how much we care about that community.

[Dom 1,440]

@fishy: ''Why do you keep coming back?''

@JardyB10: ''I can bully and razz people at will with no real consequence so that's pretty fun.''

 

Edited March 11, 2022 by Dom

[Eynhallow 412]

Ya, that kinda concerned me a bit

 

[JardyB10 4,834]

17 minutes ago, Dom said:

@fishy: ''Why do you keep coming back?''

@JardyB10: ''I can bully and razz people at will with no real consequence so that's pretty fun.''

 

What are you gonna do about it, Global Moderator??

 

 

[Moon 550]

7 hours ago, Dil said:

Before I joined the VHL, I always new I wanted to go into software but I had never really tried to learn it on my own and hoped I’d just get around to it in college. 
 

When I joined the VHL, I found a way for me to start learning code and apply it to something I enjoyed, and began creating the VHL discord bot. From there,  and with the great help of @Josh I began learning even more and even landed my internship because of what I learned from snooping and messing around with portal code!

 

Oh and because of @Moon

ME!!!!!

[Shindigs 1,771]

Is Clue Glue™ memes a valid reason for sticking around?

 

On a more serious note, I'm very, very introverted and live in the middle of nowhere. I've gone through some rough times that basically made me have little to no social interaction with people for years. Just living in the forest and working remotely, it was not at all uncommon to have no "real" social interactions for months at a time. Then on a random whim I watched a video of a Youtuber I had stopped watching, and saw the VHL ad, and went "Hmm, that sounds like fun". Mind you it didn't mention anything about TPE addiction or Board Games On Skates, but here we are. I've made some real friendships, gotten back into actually doing the whole "human interaction" thing, if only online. Which really is probably something I need, as much as I can make do without it.

 

But really the thing that will keep me around is the teaching/helping aspect, like Jardy touched on. I've always really enjoyed that as part of any game/community I've taken part in, and with how much of a turnaround on new members, and how confusing that starting experience can be, there is never lack of teaching/helping to do in the VHL.

 

It also gives me something to nerd out about in spreadsheets, so that's cool I guess?

[Gustav 6,100]

Somehow I never saw this despite being pinged in it. Which, ironically, goes along with what I’m about to say. 
 

I’m still what I (and most people) would call pretty darn active, and I still enjoy the league. But I’m no longer waking up and immediately checking the forum…ok, that’s a lie. I still do that a lot. But I’m no longer sitting in class looking at VHL stuff rather than listening, and I’m also no longer spending unhealthy amounts of time on Discord/the forums or losing sleep to crank out my latest point task. I used to do that sometimes, and that’s not something I’m proud of. But that’s because the VHL was my life, and there wasn’t much I looked forward to otherwise. 
 

I think what’s said here about wanting to be part of a group and wanting to feel accepted is quite accurate. My life, everything-wise, has improved a ton over the past year. I no longer hate it. Real-life me is accepted and appreciated, something I can’t honestly say I had a year ago, and I don’t depend on my online persona to feel that way anymore. 
 

So, yeah, maybe I’ve faded out a bit, but it’s for all the right reasons. For me, that didn’t even happen consciously, but it might have to for some people. Reflecting like this, and recognizing what you want to change, is healthy.