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The Halifax Curse - It Needs to Go Away

Thunder

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Thunder

Thunder 1,074

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There’s something amiss in the VHLM right now.  There’s definitely something strange going on.  I cannot put my finger on it, but I know that I am onto something because the sun is definitely not lining up with the moon.  Well apparently it did for a little while, but that doesn’t explain the phenomenon that is happening.  And this is the topic I get to write about for my TPE; however, before I get into it, if you read through this I am asking for your help to provide some input and solve this anomaly because I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure it out.

 

How can Halifax 21st be the nemesis of the Saskatoon Wild in season 93?  Saskatoon is a dominating team and hands down is going to win the Founders Cup this season, yet every time Saskatoon matches up with Halifax the skies turn dark, the birds stop singing, the squirrels hide their nuts, and Halifax kicks the living shit out of Saskatoon.  Halifax and Saskatoon have matched up four times this season, and Halifax has come out on top all four games.  These two teams match up two more times in season play, and I’ve got to figure out how Halifax is cheating before the next two games take place.  Saskatoon GM, @Dadam30, is doing everything right, and even with their expertise managing the team, cannot seem to overcome the trickery and dirty handed play by Halifax GM, @LucyXpher.  Lucyxpher is no stranger to internal investigations, considering the recent jelly coin debacle.  But to continue, it has come to the point of having to hire some private investigators to determine what means lucyxpher is doing to cause Saskatoon’s misery.

 

With the help of Harry Bosch, Mitch Rapp, Scott Coleman, Joe Pike, and Elvis Cole, here are some of the potential suspicious actions by Halifax over the course of the season to cause Halifax to have a huge advantage over Saskatoon.  When I say “huge advantage” one only needs to look to the record.  Look what has happened over those four games.

 

Saskatoon outshot Halifax 102 to 91, yet Halifax put the puck in the net 13 times to Saskatoon’s 4 goals.  Halifax was unusually more aggressive in the competitions, outhitting Saskatoon 89 to 68.  With the extra hits came more penalty minutes, as Halifax spent 69 minutes in the box while Saskatoon had 57 minutes in the sin bin, yet there was no advantage to Saskatoon.  Saskatoon blocked 31 of Halifax’s shots, while Halifax blocked 27 of Saskatoon’s shots.  Both teams scored two of their goals on power plays.  Given these statistics, the biggest stat that is lopsided, and yes I agree its the most important stat, is the goals scored.  What is Lucyxpher doing to give Halifax such an advantage?

 

I asked Elvis Cole to look into this and here is what he found out.  Elvis Cole spent a lot of time looking at the accommodations in Halifax, as well as in Saskatoon and he discovered that the conditions of the hotel rooms provided to Saskatoon were sub par.  The heating was at uncomfortable levels and the air quality was just above hazardous levels, which is likely the reason the Saskatoon players seemed to be out of shape during the contests in Halifax.  Barely breathing while on the ice, there’s no doubt Saskatoon was a victim of foul play.  Investigating further, it was determined that Halifax AGM, @Will3, signed for all of the hotel adjustments.  To make matters worse, the food provided to Saskatoon was determined to have been poisoned, which to no surprise caused some indigestion problems with Bollos de Trueno, as if Thunder Buns needed any help there.

 

Scott Coleman conducted covert surveillance on a few of Halifax 21st players and reported that John Season, @dylanjj37, spent a lot of time at the Juan Ceson Zoo, which is not unusual, but what he found to be unusual was the secret laboratory that he found John Season going to every day.  Coleman noted the unusual manipulation of the monkeys and the walrus.  To make matters even more suspicious was the Geico team meeting with John Season and Halifax goaltender, John Webber III, @Webberj.  Webber was providing some advice to Duncan the walrus.  Coleman came to the conclusion that Webber was given a synthetic cocktail giving him super agility and vision which played a pivotal role in the inability of Saskatoon to score goals against Webber III.

 

Harry Bosch conducted his investigation in the locker rooms and around the arenas to determine foul play.  His report indicated that the Saskatoon sticks had been tampered with as there were several sticks with splinters causing a severe loss of power.  Saskatoon goal scorer, Oliver Loo, @Misty, had complained about something being wrong with the sticks and this certainly explains why Loo didn’t more score goals against Halifax.  Bosch also discovered that the Saskatoon blades had been dulled and all the sharpening tools were not functional.  To make matters worse, there were steel weights found in the pads giving the Saskatoon players a sluggish feel on the ice to go with not having edges on their skates.

 

Joe Pike helped Harry Bosch and he found the boards behind the Saskatoon goal to have been altered, giving Halifax an rebound advantage.  You might ask, “what about when the teams change sides,” and Pike located wireless devices that automatically adjusted the boards to the desired rebound.  Just ask Boston how Florida got their first goal in the last game. This was obvious as Halifax players, Pierre Marc Bouchard, @Gaikoku-hito, has scored 1/5th of his goals against Saskatoon; Maple Dogwood, @dogwoodmaple, put up 6 points against Saskatoon; Aanarsi Reingaard, @Laine, has 21% of his points credited when playing Saskatoon; and John Season has 4 of his 27 assists against the Wild.

 

The final part of the investigation was completed by Mitch Rapp.  Rapp spent some time investigating @lucyxpher, finding her to have secretly have been attending the workouts of Carson Tripp, @Cartripp14, and Micah Cedarbaum, @MicahC.  Lucyxpher adjusted the tensions of the ropes, causing Cedarbaum and Tripp to have rubber arms just before game 3.  Strategically having John Season create a general fight, GM Lucyxpher picked Dorji Kahn, @Oddpurplefly to fight Carson Tripp; and Ty Duke, @TheDuke, to fight Micah Cedarbaum.  Both of these fights, which would have normally ended in Duke and Kahn getting their faces smashed in by Cedarbaum and Tripp, ended in draws and had no favorable bearing for Saskatoon.  Luckily for Saskatoon, Leon Bruhmaninho, @BigBruhman, worked out at a different gym when Lucyxpher was commmitting the fouled play, and did not have rubber arms and Bruhmaninho kicked the shit out of an uninformed Robin Sierra, @ethanjaeda. Although the Saskatoon luck was not enough to come up with a victory as Halifax goaltender, Joe Webber III, was all jacked up on juice and stopped every puck that went at him.

 

All of these allegations were found to be factual and everything has been turned over to VHL Commissioners, @Beketov, @Acydburn, and @Josh, who requested a $1000.00 filing fee, which was paid in small unmarked bills to Josh, as directed.  We will all have to wait for games 296 and 331 to take place to determine if the commissioners did their jobs or if lucyxpher has juice and everything was overlooked.  I can only hope that by the time playoffs start the moon is no longer aligned with the sun, the birds are singing again, the squirrels found their nuts, and the Halifax curse no longer exists.

 

1261 words

 

To be claimed 04-21 and 04-28.

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MicahC

MicahC 19

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58 minutes ago, LucyXpher said:

Work smarter, not harder! 😜

God Lucy why did you have to do that to me? What did I do to you? 😠 You better watch your team cause you just declared war.

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LucyXpher

LucyXpher 1,171

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2 minutes ago, MicahC said:

God Lucy why did you have to do that to me? What did I do to you? 😠 You better watch your team cause you just declared war.

It's not my fault you've got noodle arms, besides, in the long run you'll be stronger because of the extra resistence... you're welcome! 😉

 

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MicahC

MicahC 19

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2 minutes ago, LucyXpher said:

It's not my fault you've got noodle arms, besides, in the long run you'll be stronger because of the extra resistence... you're welcome! 😉

 

😒 watch your team carefully.

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ace_five_

ace_five_ 387

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13 minutes ago, Dadam30 said:

Wow this is a crazy new info! (Awesome article btw) @LucyXpheryour no longer invited to my birthday party.

Didn't you read the article? She doesn't need to be invited in order to be there. Maybe have someone taste the cake before you eat it

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LucyXpher

LucyXpher 1,171

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29 minutes ago, Dadam30 said:

Wow this is a crazy new info! (Awesome article btw) @LucyXpheryour no longer invited to my birthday party.

Nooooooooooo! 😭  I had your gift ready and everything 😢

 

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LucyXpher

LucyXpher 1,171

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19 minutes ago, ace_five_ said:

Didn't you read the article? She doesn't need to be invited in order to be there. Maybe have someone taste the cake before you eat it

Tainted cake would be cruel, but the punch bowl on the other hand...

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UghSike

UghSike 221

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Very nice. All of the stats and names attached are accurate and credited correctly. This seems to be a media spot that formed from a lot of brainstorming and fact finding. I can appreciate the depth of this. And the work ethic behind it is nothing short of greatness. Reviewing this with a grade would get an A+ or the equivalent of a 10/10. I'm looking forward to reading more substantial media spots in the near future. 

78 Words.

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