The Crematorium. Home of the Philadelphia Reapers. [1/2]

[DMaximus 1,046]

When Philadelphia was awarded a VHLM franchise, the Reapers GM, BladeMaiden, made a controversial decision by choosing to build an arena in the middle of the historic Mount Moriah cemetery in southwest Philly. After much bickering, tons of lawsuits, and 18 months of digging up thousands of graves, the arena was completed just in time for the inaugural season of the Reapers.

The Crematorium, a $1.5 billion arena, is a marvel to look at. The arena is styled like a gothic cathedral, complete with ornate carvings, towering spires, flying buttresses, and a massive Reapers’ logo made of stained glass above the main entrance.

 

Newly drafted defenseman, Charlie Paddywagon greets me at the entrance to the cemetery. Charlie welcomes me with giddy excitement, “This place is so awesome.” He’s quik to point out the careful planning that went into the design of the exterior of the area. “The visitor’s parking lot is way over there.” Charlie says as he points to a distant corner of the cemetery. “There’s no path for them to walk on to get to the arena. They just have to walk over graves. I hope they don’t wake up the dead.” Charlie laughs. “And we have a special area carved out for our enemies.” he says as he shows me a new section of the graveyard with pre-dug open graves. There’s an ominous banner hanging overhead that simply says “Visiting team”. Charlie smiles and says “All doctors in the Crematorium are required to carry body bags, just in case.” As we walk around the outside of the arena, statues of hockey greats sit atop columns every couple of feet. “They put up 100 statues around this arena, all the greats.” Charlie says, “One day they’ll be knocking down one to put me up there.” He says confidently. A bit flummoxed, he continues “Well not me, actually… but a statue that looks like me.”

We reach the entrance and its impressiveness cannot be overstated. It is spectacular. The Reapers’ logo, already a beautiful logo, looks stunning in stained glass. The entrance “portals” are massive black steel doors complete with little scythe handles you pull on to open. Above the doors are tympana with beautifully carved scenes of great moments in hockey history.

As you enter through the portals, all the historic beauty of the outside is starkly contrasted by the ultra-modern, hi-tech inside. Upon entering the main corridor, you brain is assaulted from all directions: lights of all colors flashing everywhere, huge screens demanding your eyeballs’ attention, sounds assailing you from every direction. It is sensory overload. Charlie says, “We want to make sure our fans have as great an experience as possible.” We pass small areas designed for people of all ages to have fun, arcade here, mini basketball court there, beer garden here, face painting booth there. There’s even an area with gambling kiosks to allow fans to bet on any game. “We had to sell the land the kiosks are on to New Jersey, because gambling is legal there. If Pennsylvania ever makes it legal, we might have to go to war to reclaim the land. We’ll see.”

 

“Come check out my favorite thing.” Charlie says as he leads us to their virtual reality center. There a six stations setup with full body tracking, including sticks, skates, and goalie equipment at one station. “This area is designed for our fans to play as us. They can destroy our opponents here, while we destroy them on the ice. Get suited up and check it out.” We put on the motion tracking haptic suits, lace up the “skates” which are fabric boots that accurately simulate skating by sliding on the surface of your virtual pod, grab a stick controller, and put on the virtual helmet. We are transported to a virtual replica of the Reapers’ ice surface. Charlie’s avatar appears, skating right next to mine. “Here catch” he says, passing me a puck. I instinctively catch the puck with my stick, it feels almost too real. Charlie then slams into me with a massive body check, my avatar slams to the ground and my haptic suit buzzes at the point of contact. “On Reaper ice, if you touch the puck, I hit you.” Charlie says, helping my avatar up. “We use this for training.” He says as he loads up the Reapers’ opening night opponent, the Saskatoon Wild. Within seconds we’re in a full game against the Wild. Charlie adds “We’ve been using this system to train all offseason. We’re ready for everyone in the VHLM and even some VHL teams. The best part is you can do anything here, like this!” Charlie exclaims as he pulls a chain saw from thin air and decapitates Shawnomir Jagr, Saskatoon’s top pick in this year’s draft. The only thing more shocking than looking at a headless professional hockey player is the delightful cackles coming from Charlie. Thankfully Charlie shuts down the simulation and we continue the tour.

 

As we walk around the corridors in the arena, I’m able to pry some personal antidotes from Charlie. He shares “You know, it’s been a tough road for me and my family. We’ve been through a lot, nearly torn apart. I’ve remained dedicated to hockey my whole life, heck hockey is my whole life. It’s good to feel all that hard work paying off now…. Oh man! You have to check out our organ!” he exclaims as we enter the organ room. The Reapers’ organ is an exact replica of the bone organ from the movie “The Goonies”. Like many things in this arena, it is simultaneously creepy and impressive. Charlie says, “They told me they stole this from one-eyed pirate. That is awesome.” When I mention that there’s an extremely popular movie that had this same organ and that story isn’t real, Charlie gave a puzzled look, waited a moment and said “Oh, well I only watch hockey movies. I’ve seen “Miracle” over 3,000 times.”

 

At long last, we exit the corridor and enter the arena part of the complex. Some of the gothic stylings return here, with a tall, rib vaulted ceiling. The scoreboard is, fittingly, a massive golden urn. The pure white of the ice enhances the brilliant colors of the Reapers logo at center ice. Charlie points out a working cremation chamber on the north end of the ice. “At the beginning of every game, we’re cremating the opposing team’s mascot.” Charlie says, alluding to what’s rumored to be an epic pre-game show the Reapers plan to put on. He laughs, “Maybe some players will join their mascot by the end of the game.”

 

At that point, our tour wrapped up. This reporter is invited back for a showcase of the “behind the scenes” spots like the locker rooms and to possibly meet some of the Reapers’ staff members. Watch this space for another article detailing the new Philadelphia Reapers arena, The Crematorium.

 

1155 Words

TPE for weeks ending on 3/3 and 3/10

[Nykonax 1,566]

45 minutes ago, DMaximus said:

He’s quik to point out

OMG @DilIsPickle ITS BEEN DONE

 

quik now changes to quik

[Dil 1,760]

quik

[Dil 1,760]

@Will I fucking love you

[Banackock 8,119]

When can I move in?  

[DMaximus 1,046]

creating comment to claim 2nd week TPE.

On 2/26/2019 at 8:42 PM, DMaximus said:

1155 Words

TPE for weeks ending on 3/3 and 3/10

 

[TheLastOlympian07 2,388]

Review

Beauty article my friend. Loved that I was thrown in there as the first to lose his life . Cool name for the arena. Maybe one day the hockey will catch up to all the smack Philly talks