Doomsday

Landry Named Captain, Misunderstands Role

 
DAVOS - Before the beginning of the 36th season of the Victory Hockey League, the members of the HC Davos Dynamo took a vote to elect their new captains. The first vote showed the faith the team had in each other, with a three-way tie the final result. However, after another vote, Thomas Landry was voted as the captain of Davos, with Sergey Brovalenko and Matt Bentley as assistant captains. Nearly immediately, it became clear that Landry was not quite clear what being a captain meant.
 
"Avast ye, mateys!" bellowed Landry following a team practice, steering around the ice on a Zamboni. "Set the rig to the starboard port and set sail for a championship!"
 
Apparently believing that he is now the captain of a ship, Landry has been spotted wearing a naval officer's uniform around team facilities, sometimes sporting an eye patch. Online records show that he has purchased a parrot from Guatemala and is eagerly tracking his new acquisition. However, that isn't the most endearing of Landry's new behaviors.
 

 
"He has this whistle he uses every single time he makes an announcement," said Shane Baker following a team practice. "Which just so happens to be very often. It has this peculiar way of piercing your ears and making you utterly powerless to resist his bizarre orders. Last time it happened, I ended up having to scrub the "deck," which is bogus because he already has the ice in pristine shape from driving that Zamboni everywhere."
 
But is Landry's eccentric behavior a positive influence? The Dynamo have won their first two games, including their season opener at home against the Quebec City Meute. Winning cures all ailments, so will this hold true for Davos?
 
"Tom is just having fun out there," said Davos' general manager, Victor Alfredsson. "I mean, just look at the way he has played so far this year. He's having fun, making him able to stay loose and focus on playing to the best of his abilities. He's done a great job so far and his line mates have really responded in a positive manner to his presence and abilities. You can't ask for more than that out of your captain. Did I mention we're winning?"
 

 
Alfredsson, however, refused to elaborate on rumors that Davos gained an edge on their competitors due to Captain Landry leading daring raids on the visiting teams' locker room, distracting them and robbing them of their focus and some critical supplies.
 
"I'm not going into detail about that," huffed a clearly agitated Alfredsson. "Those rumors are unfounded, baseless and completely untrue. Landry did no such thing and no proof will be found to prove he did any such thing because none exists."
 
Center Davey Jones, teammates again with Landry after being line mates for the Season 33 Founder's Cup champion Bratislava Watchmen, has been ecstatic since joining the Dynamo and it has become increasingly clear why.
 

 
"It's great to hang around and take the ice with Tommy again," said Jones after a practice. "Just like at Bratislava. We practice hard, then have fun off the ice. It's critical to have fun if you want to have any success in this league and Thomas Landry is a great guy to have around in order to make that happen."
 
Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, always a safe haven for scurvy swashbucklers. He enjoys rigging the mast, broadsiding Spanish galleons and teaching his parrot Jack fine swear words.

You win
 

Landry Named Captain, Misunderstands Role

 
DAVOS - Before the beginning of the 36th season of the Victory Hockey League, the members of the HC Davos Dynamo took a vote to elect their new captains. The first vote showed the faith the team had in each other, with a three-way tie the final result. However, after another vote, Thomas Landry was voted as the captain of Davos, with Sergey Brovalenko and Matt Bentley as assistant captains. Nearly immediately, it became clear that Landry was not quite clear what being a captain meant.
 
"Avast ye, mateys!" bellowed Landry following a team practice, steering around the ice on a Zamboni. "Set the rig to the starboard port and set sail for a championship!"
 
Apparently believing that he is now the captain of a ship, Landry has been spotted wearing a naval officer's uniform around team facilities, sometimes sporting an eye patch. Online records show that he has purchased a parrot from Guatemala and is eagerly tracking his new acquisition. However, that isn't the most endearing of Landry's new behaviors.
 

 
"He has this whistle he uses every single time he makes an announcement," said Shane Baker following a team practice. "Which just so happens to be very often. It has this peculiar way of piercing your ears and making you utterly powerless to resist his bizarre orders. Last time it happened, I ended up having to scrub the "deck," which is bogus because he already has the ice in pristine shape from driving that Zamboni everywhere."
 
But is Landry's eccentric behavior a positive influence? The Dynamo have won their first two games, including their season opener at home against the Quebec City Meute. Winning cures all ailments, so will this hold true for Davos?
 
"Tom is just having fun out there," said Davos' general manager, Victor Alfredsson. "I mean, just look at the way he has played so far this year. He's having fun, making him able to stay loose and focus on playing to the best of his abilities. He's done a great job so far and his line mates have really responded in a positive manner to his presence and abilities. You can't ask for more than that out of your captain. Did I mention we're winning?"
 

 
Alfredsson, however, refused to elaborate on rumors that Davos gained an edge on their competitors due to Captain Landry leading daring raids on the visiting teams' locker room, distracting them and robbing them of their focus and some critical supplies.
 
"I'm not going into detail about that," huffed a clearly agitated Alfredsson. "Those rumors are unfounded, baseless and completely untrue. Landry did no such thing and no proof will be found to prove he did any such thing because none exists."
 
Center Davey Jones, teammates again with Landry after being line mates for the Season 33 Founder's Cup champion Bratislava Watchmen, has been ecstatic since joining the Dynamo and it has become increasingly clear why.
 

 
"It's great to hang around and take the ice with Tommy again," said Jones after a practice. "Just like at Bratislava. We practice hard, then have fun off the ice. It's critical to have fun if you want to have any success in this league and Thomas Landry is a great guy to have around in order to make that happen."
 
Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, always a safe haven for scurvy swashbucklers. He enjoys rigging the mast, broadsiding Spanish galleons and teaching his parrot Jack fine swear words.

Onward, Dynamo! To the promised land!

Onward, Dynamo! To the promised land!

Considering the Eagles barely beat a Cowboys team with their putrid defense and a backup QB, got a good lol out of this.

Massive Pornography Ring Uncovered In Helsinki

 
HELSINKI - Fresh off of their hometown Titans winning the Continental Cup, the hangover continues for the city of Helsinki. It stung enough when Odin Tordahl left town, but salt has truly been poured into the open wound with the city's task force announcing that they have cracked open an international pornography ring that had been based from and operating within the city.
 
The ring, which had done business with people in over 30 countries had logs dating back three years. Many prominent public figures were found on the registry and over two hundred people were involved with selling the pornography. After years of failed efforts to put an end to it, it ended up taking a joint task force including the Helsinki police and Interpol in order to make a successful sting and put a halt to the production.
 

 
"It truly is disturbing to find that sort of stuff being run through our city," said Commissioner Dolph Stetson. "This was no small-time racket. This was a massive syndication that was functioning internationally, with clients in Mexico, China, the United States, Canada... pretty much everywhere other than Russia. Fortunately, we can now claim that it has been shut down and operations have ceased."
 
While it has not been disclosed exactly how many clients who did business with the pornography ring have been charged, it was released that 26 people have been arrested for their involvement in the ring. None of them have been publicly identified. Especially worrisome is the fact that while the Titans had a banner year in Season 35, their arena became a favorite place for clients to make transactions for pornography. Millions of dollars were made per night alone while the Titans hosted games during the Continental Cup.
 

 
"I can't believe that something like that has been going on here in Helsinki," stated Mitch Higgins, general manager of the Helsinki Titans following a team function. "A lot of the guys are pretty disturbed over this and have refused to go anywhere in our facility without a black light. Even the fact that we've washed and sterilized the entire arena from top to bottom isn't enough for them. I truly hope that those responsible are swiftly brought to justice for their affronts against this city."
 
Further disheartening is the fact that the ring leaders of the pornography ring remain at large. While they learned of the sting much too late to save all of their hard work, they were able to destroy many documents and files critical to the police and escaped long before the authorities ever arrived.
 

 
"I don't think we've heard the last of them just yet," said Commissioner Stetson. "They are unfortunately very smart and clever people who won't let this sting stop them. Their days in Helsinki may be over, but I am worried that in a year or so, these same problems will resurface in a new town. If God has a sense of humor, it will probably be Davos."
 
Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, which apparently now reports on sultry stories. He enjoys wrestling with demonic tomes, laughing at someone different and freedom.

400 Hits?

 
DAVOS - A season removed after recording only two hits, Davos forward Thomas Landry took the entire VHL by surprise with his elevated physical play, racking up a staggering 319 hits. Miles Larsson was the only forward to record more hits than Landry with 335. The HC Dynamo received yet another boost to their physical game with the acquisition of Odin Tordahl, but could Landry surprise the league again and step up his game even more?
 
"I'm going for 400 hits this year," said Landry after a team function. "No one made it there last year, although some did get close. It doesn't matter if I am on the first line, second line, third line, it's irrelevant. My teammates here in Davos will need me to step it up this season and I fully intend to do so."
 
The HC Dynamo returned to the VHL Playoffs in Season 35 after finishing dead last the year before, however they were throttled in five games by the Cologne Express. Spirits remain high, however and the HC Dynamo look to be even stronger this year as they set out to avenge their defeat.
 
Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, the most quality publication in the world... period. He enjoys teaching children how to fly, making evildoers go BOMF and saving the world from irascible women.

What's Next For Landry?

 
DAVOS - The times are certainly changing for Thomas Landry. After being an afterthought to the VHL during the Season 33 VHL Entry Draft, he clawed his way into the league with the New York Americans, eventually landing in Davos with the HC Dynamo for a king's ransom. While he may have been on two Founders' Cup champions in two years in the VHLM, in two seasons in the VHL he has two first round exits to show for it. While none of that can be placed upon Landry on his own, that hasn't stopped him from starting to work harder and harder on improving himself even more.
 
"I've already managed to shed several negative labels placed upon me," said Landry. "This won't be any different."
 
Labeled as a soft player after Season 34, when he only recorded two hits over the course of 72 games, many figured Davos, a team in need of a physical presence, was a bad fit for the young forward. However, Thomas Landry got the last laugh, recording a staggering 319 hits (317 more than the previous season), good for fourth in the VHL. The unexpected physical presence the HC Dynamo received from Landry was a contributing factor to Davos' dramatic turnaround this season. Despite that, many feel that he was still not worth the high price paid for him.
 

 
In 72 games, Landry finished with 26 goals and 33 assists, good for 59 points and 5th on the team in that statistic. He also finished with 117 penalty minutes, way up from the zero he had a season before. His -3 rating also shows a need to improve defensively. All in all, he was not a consistent presence on offense and that is something that will need to drastically change if Davos wishes to build upon their season next year.
 
"Sure, there's a lot I could improve on," continued Landry. "But then again, what player couldn't say they had nothing to improve upon? There's a whole off-season ahead of me, along with the Super Cup. I will have plenty of time to study film, work on my skills and take the ice next season as exactly the kind of player Victor Alfredsson, my teammates and the city of Davos need me to be and you can count on that."
 

 
With young players such as Landry, Matteo Gallo, Sergey Brovalenko and Matt Bentley, the HC Dynamo certainly have a promising future, especially with Lennox Moher in net. But in order for that talent to pay off, they'll need to learn to better utilize each other. While Landry has already made it his mission to become a playmaker to create more opportunities and scoring chances for the team (especially the deadly Brovalenko), better defensive play will be the true aspect that Davos must improve on if they wish to make it past the first round of the playoffs.
 
Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, a wholly excellent and entertaining publication. He enjoys wrangling wild hogs, directing lost travelers toward the banjos and four scoring a deal with you.

I had this same problem, I don't know why you needed to sass him out for this because I would have done the exact thing he did.

Completely unnecessary.

Also, anyone have any way of communicating with Turner outside of the VHL?

Making A Movie With VHL Talent

 
NEW YORK - So it's Thursday night and I'm an incredibly bored individual tonight. So I'm going to do something that apparently many members of the VHL seem to enjoy: thinking of an incredibly absurd premise and running goddamn wild with it. So tonight, I will be coming up with an idea for a movie, but I cannot use real actors to cast the parts. Instead, I must use players and personalities from the VHL (and VHLM). Interesting, right? Well, I'm only just getting started.
 
THE PLOT:
 
Set in a VHL city (New York, Riga, Davos, etc.), a vicious killer has been making headlines with a spree of rather disgusting, despicable crimes. Worst of all, the killer is openly mocking the police, seeming to always be one step ahead of them and more or less making a mockery out of the force. Ideally, this gives the commissioner the idea that of course the killer must be one of their own (holy shit!). But how will he be able to investigate his officers without alerting the killer? He'll have to assemble a team of his very best, most trusted men in order to keep their department from unraveling whilst the perpetrator runs amok.
 
THE PARTS:
 
The Commissioner: Victor Alfredsson

 
Really, did you see anyone else getting this part? Victor is perfect for this part, with him able to constantly delegate menial tasks to other people, vent off about taking a loose cannon's badge and, of course, being too old for this shit. 
 
Now, the commissioner can assemble a smorgasbord of cop movie cliches for his team, those being the seasoned veteran, the no-nonsense cop, the loose cannon, and the rookie.
 
The Seasoned Veteran: Mitch Higgins

 
With his professional attitude, a proven track record of getting things done and being a team player for the VHL, Higgins is the absolute personification of a seasoned veteran for the commissioner's team. He'd be the guy calling the shots when the team is in a situation where the commissioner doesn't want to get his hands dirty.
 
The No-Nonsense Cop: Joey Kendrick

 
While he is certainly one for humor from time to time, when it gets down to business, Joey Kendrick doesn't fuck around. His serious, unflappable manner is more than a match for criminals who have the information he wants. He will consistently have conflicts with the loose cannon.
 
The Loose Cannon: Sergey Brovalenko

 
In regards to protocol, the only protocol is that there is none. Brovalenko gets results his way and he simply does not care what people think in regards to how he gets those results. He will undoubtedly shoot several perps he did not need to, along with coming up with creative, likely illegal ways to get the perps he didn't shoot to talk to him.
 
The Rookie: Davey Jones

 
Hand-picked by the no-nonsense cop to join the squad, this rookie has shown some excellent skills while at the academy, but is untested in the field and has some growing up to do. Despite the danger the loose cannon presents to derailing his development, the rookie respects his peers and shows a constant desire to improve.
 
Now, we need some other characters too, don't we?
 
The Killer: Mikey Blade

 
Come on, that's totally the name of a killer. Not to mention he's a devious son of a bitch who nearly loophole'd his way out of playing for the team that drafted him. Lock your doors around this madman.
 
The Enforcer: Xin Xie Xiao

 
He's 6'8, 250 lbs and fulfills the role of a token minority as well. Absolutely no contest for a guy leading a pack of thugs in a shootout/fight scene with our heroes.
 
The Dispatcher: Motherfuckin' Noah

 
Because someone with a soul-crushing job needs to have an unexpected sense of humor to add comic relief from a completely unexpected angle, right?
 
Guy Arrested For Public Drunkenness: Jardy Buncleworth

 
Because I'm contractually obligated to make at least one joke about Jardy in every media spot I write.
 
Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, who are helping lots of young singles meet every day. He enjoys engaging in torrid love affairs with spambots, watching GI Joe PSAs and saving the children, but not the British children.