FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY: The Tyson Kohler Story

[Gustav 6,430]

So I've done my fair share of digging through old spreadsheets, to bring trivia to the masses every week until Josh tells me not to and occasionally to dig through some old stuff to nerd out for inordinately and needlessly wordy media spots (oh, by the way, welcome to another, full of all the parenthetical remarks you'll need for the next month). So, when I saw that @Beaviss had ignored my demands to make this "Robbie Week," and instead gone and pulled this "prospective Hall of Famer" business, I figured I should pull up the spreadsheet and look at someone from the past, rather than taking a current player that everyone knows about already.

 

Where to begin with Tyson Kohler...hailing from List auk Syit, the northernmost municipality of Germany, this "blessed scorer" was picked 4th overall in the VHLM draft in S47 by the Yukon Rush, after greats Unassisted, Black Velvet, and Jakab Holik (a circus monkey story in his own right, with just under 300 wins and a career GAA of 2.00, some--read: @Beketov--certainly don't appreciate the fact that he hasn't been inducted). He wasn't exactly an unknown at this point, as he'd been created by @Kendrick, an original member of the league, Hall of Fame builder since S24, and one of the league's most influential members of all time. By VHLM standards, he did well, but didn't quite live up to the inflated numbers commonly seen in the minors, coming in 17th on the points listen Yukon and finishing far below Velvet and Unassisted. Kohler's time in the minors neither helped nor hurt his VHL draft stock, as he ended up being selected at 4th overall once again, this time to the Cologne Express.

 

Kohler's career with the Express got off to a good, but not unbelievably good, start--he topped 50 points in each of his first three seasons, and even managed to break 80 in his second, but wasn't yet a top-tier player. S51 was right around the corner, though, and that would be his opportunity for a breakout. The rookie contracts of Kohler, Velvet, and Unassisted, the top three players from the S48 class not named Holik, all saw their rookie contracts expire, and whether it was planned or not, all left their teams to sign with the Calgary Wranglers--in the case of Velvet, even leaving the just-off-a-threepeat Legion. Kohler proved his worth to the team in dominant fashion, putting up 122 points and taking home a Funk trophy. He'd put up similar numbers in the seasons to come, breaking 100 points three times before a 91-point performance in his last season and arguably becoming the face of Stockholm in his last three, flexing his whore muscles along the way to over 1200 TPE in a (relatively recent) era during which earning opportunities were a good deal weaker across the board. Over the course of his career, he'd run up a total good for 43rd on the all-time points list, at a pace of 1.3 points per game--that's an average of 93.6 points per season, for eight seasons.

 

So, has Kohler truly been FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY, as the title of this article suggests? Things aren't looking great for his chances at induction--on the ballot every season since S56, he's only managed to pick up three votes in total, and never received any more than one vote in any particular season. Let's take a look, though, and see how things might go in the future.

 

 

THE PROS

 

He owns the most points out of any player that hasn't been inducted yet. Here's what is probably the best argument in Kohler's favor. Spots #1-42 on the all-time points list are taken by Hall inductees, and many forwards on the list who have made it into the Hall have fewer points. Out of those on the list who have been waiting a while for their chance, only Lasse Milo (S23, 739 points) and Wesley Kellinger (S33, 728 points) come close (Jasper Canmore is in that range as well, but he hasn't been waiting long). Will this be enough to get him in?

 

Looking past his slower start, his prime seasons were certainly Hall-of-Fame level. There are plenty of players who have been inducted into the Hall of Fame after getting off to a slow start, and let's name a few while we're here. Zach Arce, Jardy Bunclewirth, Pavel Koradek--we could go on, but let's just say a slower start hasn't been an automatic disqualification in the past.

 

An older player was inducted recently. Could there be room for another? The S68 Hall of Fame induction was noted for--at long last--bringing Mathias Chouinard to eternal VHL glory. One of the mega-prospects of the late-10s-early-20s, Chouinard started his career in S20 and for six seasons would go on to post 624 points at a rate of 1.44 per game. The fact that, after being overlooked for so long, Chouinard was able to be remembered and inducted, is a ray of hope for Kohler, as he's getting closer and closer to "old and forgotten" territory.

 

 

THE CONS

 

He played the bulk of his career in the VHL's notorious "dark ages." The S50's were one of the league's worst decades of all time in terms of activity and member presence, noted for dead forums, stagnant recruitment, and a small, contracting league which was carried by veteran recreates. Kohler, as stated earlier on, was one of these recreates, and didn't have a ton of competition in his day. Though he played at an elite level, and his earning was stellar, his career was a notch below those of Unassisted and Velvet and one might argue that his numbers certainly may have been inflated due to the large earning disparity between players like Unassisted, Velvet, Kohler...and everybody else. Kohler (and Holik!) would certainly have been inducted already had they put up their numbers in a more active era, but this was simply not the case, and to this day this remains the main argument against the induction of either.

 

He only ever won one award and never won a cup. The Hall of Fame also has its share of members who have never won any awards, cups included, so this isn't a particularly damning statement. It is, though, a consideration--while, with playoff STHS being what it is and the fact that it's a good team and not a good player who wins a cup, I'm very against cup wins being a consideration in any sort of significant sense, some may argue that it is: Unassisted won two cups and Velvet managed to get five. The lack of individual hardware, though, suggests that he was consistently close to the top, though never actually at it.

 

He had a decent supporting cast. I wonder if Victor still searches for the word "cast" on the forums. I guess we'll find out. Anyway, in a particularly dead era, Kohler's good seasons would be played with other great players, who, it could be argued, helped him run up the numbers. As we already know, his best season would be spent in Calgary with both Unassisted and Velvet (though he did manage to outplay Unassisted that season). In Stockholm, he'd break 100 points with an average team in S53--arguably his best season from the perspective of individual, relatively unassisted performance (pun intended), but S54 saw teammates Pietro Maximoff and Sven Wolf right up near Kohler on the leaderboard, and in S55 he was actually tied for third on the team in points. One might argue that Kohler only really had one season where he was easily atop his team's list of talent, and for that he may be held back significantly.

 

 

So, what do you think? FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY or not?

[.sniffuM 1,741]

How could you not write this about the inspiration behind FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY Joey Clarence? 0/10.

[solas 1,951]

I'm still salty that S51 Calgary team didn't win a cup  

 

Honestly I think the points total alone should get Kohler in the HOF though.

Edited February 26, 2020 by solas

[Devise 4,475]

1 hour ago, solas said:

I'm still salty that S51 Calgary team didn't win a cup  

 

Honestly I think the points total alone should get Kohler in the HOF though.

 

Yeah he's been on the ballot (Kohler) for a while now. I don't think it's a question of if he'll make it, it's mostly just when. The point totals are great and way better than this era's crop of players especially forwards. But the award cabinet is just so bare that it'll likely just be one of these weaker seasons where he is in. Even most of the new candidates up for consideration are generally falling into the non first tier ballot type of players, so I feel like Kohler is going to break out at some point.

 

That said there is still guys who are on the list who have the personal awards and less stats. And when those personal awards include multiple Cups, a Slobo/Campbell and the like, it's hard to ignore when point totals get closer. 

 

As for the OP @GustavMattias while one could argue Cups shouldn't factor, we do track playoff stats as well. If a player like an O'Malley for example who was in tons of finals had tons of playoff stats and Cups you have to factor it. If one player is consistently on the teams that win or make it to the finals it begins to show a pattern, whether that pattern is STHS luck or not at the end of the day all stats wind up being that to some degree. That said, it's not like Cups are the end all be all. But a 700 point player with no marginal defensive stats vs a 680 point player with slightly better defensive stats, more cups and more meaningful individual awards generally goes to the 680 point player. Just in certain situations those Cup wins can matter. But it absolutely isn't required to get in and I think Kohler will be one of the many who gets in without a Cup at some point down the road. 

[Corco 1,242]

Kohler should be in

[NotAVHLM-GM 1,858]

4 hours ago, .sniffuM said:

How could you not write this about the inspiration behind FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY Joey Clarence? 0/10.

 

Tell us more, tell us more.

Was it love at first sight?!

[Victor 10,947]

4 hours ago, solas said:

I'm still salty that S51 Calgary team didn't win a cup  

Clegane’d

 

@GustavMattias I never actually searched for cast I just read everything.

 

i also made sort of a case for Kohler this year. It was sort of an argument with myself but I leant towards the yes, but when as well. In summary his best seasons came on two unreal regular season teams (S51 Calgary and S54 Stockholm) but he was also the MVP of weaker teams and where he got really snubbed was the S53 playoff MVP vote. That would definitely make the award cabinet look different.

[Gustav 6,430]

1,296 words, good for two weeks. I'll claim it for the next two, but I'll use this post to claim the doubles week.

 

Also, PSA: I wrote this whole thing out and posted it before I found out that this theme week was supposed to be about current players. I'm an idiot and my stupid ass has received permission from Beav to claim this as a theme week article anyway because it's at least closely related. But don't read this and go write up an article on Holik or something.

[Kendrick 4,741]

Yeah I'd love for him to be there, but I'll honestly say I forgot about him because there were a couple awards he could've won but didn't because he played when some truly great players played in the VHL.

[Gustav 6,430]

Quote

Was going to claim my theme week article this week and next but I'll put through my week 4 claim on this one and push the other one back until next week. Better to keep it clean.

 

...says my comment on the past week's article. So, here we go...claim 1 on this one here.