Gustav

Hey, remember way back when we thought Houston might not make the playoffs? Things have been figured out since then.

I try.

Claiming for this season's brand-centered point task (+2 uncapped from what I understand).

HELSINKI--Though the Titans' Alexander Pepper was, prior to this year, easily considered the league's top goaltender (and my own 2nd-or-3rd-round choice in my fantasy draft, thanks @Sonnet), he's failed to live up to the hype so far--while in the top three in terms of goals against average, and also putting up a respectable 6 shutouts so far, Riga's Kallis Kriketers has done a fine job of playing spoiler, leading the league in both and also sitting at second in save percentage (behind Roger Sterling), proving invaluable to the first-place Reign. That hasn't stopped Pepper from being noticed lately, as a team practice this morning led to Pepper seeing two people who'd seen quite a bit of higher education--first a doctor, then a lawyer. During the team's three-on-three drills, Titans center Kronos Bailey fed a pass to defenseman Dan Montgomery a yard or two inside the blue line, who then proceeded to unload a one-timer right on net. Though Pepper made what looked to be a routine save, going down to his knees and bringing his arms in to control the rebound and absorb the puck, it turned out that he'd "absorbed the puck" in more ways than one--and the other way was certainly not what he intended. Turns out he'd taken a hard slapshot to the groin, and he wasn't wearing a cup. Pepper managed to walk it off (well, certainly not immediately, think more like 15 minutes later), but a press release later that day from Finnish law firm Hämäläinen ja Nieminen revealed that Pepper had decided to take legal action, and that he had an incredibly stupid, but potentially arguable, case. Last week, Pepper had made the switch from conventional goalie equipment to Over Armour, a new and controversial line of athletic wear that makes dressing for sports such as hockey, football, lacrosse, and all that is heavily equipment-oriented quite a bit easier--rather than put every single pad on individually, Over Armour gives an athlete a full uniform in one garment--pads and all, serving as a full-body suit and destroying the dressing rituals of some of the league's more unusual and superstitious players. But apparently, a cup is not included. "Yeah, I thought I could just get naked and throw the entire thing on," Pepper said. "I was surprised by how comfortable it was, but that's probably because there was no sort of jockstrap anywhere. They never told me these things don't come with a cup." While many other players who use Over Armour uniforms, notably Aran Thranduil, contend that they do, in fact, include a cup, Pepper is insistent that his did not, either because there was some sort of slip-up at the factory or because, well, you're probably not that bright if you don't notice the lack of an agonizing feeling of "when can I take this thing off, please God" as soon as you put it on. It's entirely possible that Pepper just lost it, but what reason he'd have for that is likely a story of its own. Executives from Over Armour could not be reached for further comment.

Hey, I don't remember if I entered this. Sorry if I did already.

Halifax again. I'd love to see them in the playoffs for sure, we're doing disproportionately well against them.

SUNDAY--The round robin portion of the World Junior Championships has concluded, and Team Asia, the team that everyone thought was totally screwed heading into the tournament, absolutely was, as their record of one win and...well, whatever, has actually exceeded some people's expectations. While Asia ended up looking like the VHLM's Philadelphia Reapers in a few games, they actually looked fairly worthy in a few others, taking Team Canada to a shootout and even dominating Team Europe defensively in a 2-1 win. The team's general manager (ok, fine, it's me) has gotten some positive acknowledgement (ok, fine, maybe one of my teammates once congratulated me on the win) for these performances, with the (entirely nonexistent as of yet) management skills of the team being (not really) attributed to its relative success. And while this is, to most people, exactly what was expected or maybe a little bit more, the results were not quite good enough for the league's more...interesting...followers. Early this morning, a mob of approximately 200 self-proclaimed weaboos marched (or Naruto ran) on VHL headquarters, with signs bearing slogans like "STHS IS RACIST" and "THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME IS MIGHTIER THAN TPE--ABOLISH THE LEAGUE'S UNFAIR OFFICIATING". While it is unclear what exactly was being protested, according to a few of the more diplomatic of the crowd (read: neckbeards carrying thesauruses), "something was amiss" just as soon as Asia lost, even once, as their "superior culture" should have easily been enough to propel them to a clean sweep of the tournament. The protest even turned violent, with some witness accounts documenting league commissioner Beketov taking a body pillow upside the head and several individuals being detained after (unsuccessfully) attempting the ancient art of firebending. Players and management from Team Asia, as well as VHL representatives, declined to provide any further commentary on the matter.

...Please notice Asia's win...

Toronto New York Calgary Seattle

Calgary 4-2

1. Who do you see taking home the Founders' Cup in the VHLM this year? 2. You've gone through a lot of the draft's mid-to-late-round prospects. Tell us about a player from that field that you haven't mentioned yet that you think could end up being a legitimate steal. 3. Going off of that, are there any players that you think might be picked as a bit of a reach? Not necessarily too early, but surprising in placement? 4. Is Sonnet's profile picture waifu trash?

I'd quote every single one of the last 5 posts but I don't want to annoy people. Just know I agree and can't wait to see my team get demolished take home a win or two.

Do Canadians not write "defence"?

Now that Lynch is on our side this is quite a bit easier.

I laughed out loud at this. You have no idea how much I enjoy reading your articles, whether I’m in them or not. Some of the most in-depth stuff I’ve seen.

Yeah I got you there—this probably isn’t strictly based on TPE anyway. If I made a mock draft it would probably be all about TPE and there’s no way I’d be at #7. Good luck wherever you’re drafted and whenever; at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter

This is based on TPE rankings as of Sunday—I’m at 182 here and listed as 160. I’d say this probably isn’t much different from the rankings if they were based on today’s TPE rankings—Tagger probably assumes that those who are active will stay that way.

The mock we’ve all been waiting for! Very well done but you don’t need the new guy to tell you that. Ridiculous how much time you must have taken to brighten our day. This is the first time I’ve seen Garcia be projected as a first-round pick, but you make it seem believable. Can’t wait to see what happens!

There go the 2 assists from Garcia. Oh well, it’s still a win.

First star for Garcia! Somehow managing to get on an offensive hot streak lately.

This game would have gone to overtime if May didn’t even show up and Houston played without a goalie. ...and without putting the extra man on the ice. 7 shots? I know Philly has completely sold out but this sim still shocks me with how much it’s possible to suck.

*Looks at Past’s TPE* *Looks at TPE of Nielsen/Paddywagon/Garcia* You’re certainly entitled to this opinion but it’s definitely a bit out there.

Weed is better than steroids

You mean you’re not? *Helsinki immediately drops to #10*

HOUSTON--Callum MacElroy, the Bulls' token Scotsman, has been the center of a good deal of media attention thus far, for, well, being drunk and Scottish. Last night was no exception, as he went on one of his very own drunken rants when asked about his feelings on the upcoming (and deep) VHL draft, making a very bold (and indeed impossible) prediction about his standing. "Ah dunnae kinn wa anyain woods draft Helmsley. Born in 1970? Gezz a break. Thaur's nae way he can e'en skate. Ah hae an uncle 'at was born in 1970. Noo swatch, he was an accident, but aam bonnie sure by lookin' at heem 'at if ye waur born in 'at year ye hae nae reit tae be oan th' ice. Swatch at me, thocht. Aam thee meters taa an' mah reit bicep weighs 10 kilograms. Ah bevvy a keg every scran an' Ah can break a barrel in half wi' mah wee finger. If barcelona doesnae tak' me number a body overaa, 'en ah dunnae kinn whit they're thinkin'." There is no VHL team in Barcelona, but the smell of whiskey was too strong for reporters to think of much else. Also, MacElroy has already been drafted--this season, he was made the last pick in the VHL draft, courtesy of the Calgary Wranglers. When told this, MacElroy didn't seem to fully register the information at hand, as the subject shifted to the inferior shoe size of Shane Mars and much of the media sought out a different Bulls player to interview.