pxzero

claim 2

claim 2

Oh yikes, I didn't see the older ones.  We're mostly caught up now at least, and I'll try to keep it that way!

I CARE

How to Bet the VHLm (or mad ravings)
 
Outside of March Madness, Black Friday Fatalities numbers and Dog Shows, few events capture the interest of bookies like the VHLm playoffs. It’s one of those events where anything can happen, except injuries and, inexplicably, bench clearing brawls. As a result, the more seasoned VHLm betters know to look at the more obscure phenomenon that can affect the outcome of a match, knowing full well that the play-offs are much more than a simple number crunch bet.
 
Mascots
The first of these signs is mascot health.  Yes, the mascots. In a league where the stars seem to perpetually improve, Newton’s third law suggests that something, somewhere must be perpetually declining. Using my vast sleuthing resources, I have determined that the something is the mascots.  Using a form of wizardry that has been scarcely seen since Cleopatra (you think her beauty was natural?), VHL GMs have been bewitching their mascots in a zero sum game with their star players. Beneath their plushy exteriors, these mascots are actually growing old at an alarming rate. If you see a mascot who is actually doing jumping jacks, you can anticipate that the team will not fare as well as the geriatric antics of another mascot, who is pulling his pants down to reveal varicose veins and a diaper along to go with their obvious onset of dementia. This indicator, however, is sometimes skewed, as the GMs of more popular teams can often dupe a young, foolish fan into the outfits with some free tickets.
 

This should await you under that plushie exterior. 
 
Aliens
The next indicator is in the night sky. No, I’m not talking astronomy or astrology or boredom. I’m talking about aliens. It’s been well documented that aliens are a driving force behind the VHL, taking a special interest in the ice conditions of the VHLm. Why would a highly advanced, extra-terrestrial being be interested in ice conditions you’d ask? Simple. For the same reason someone could look at a beautiful model and be interested in their feet. Fetishes are strange things, and not to be insulted - especially when insulting things can get you probed in uncomfortable places. And why would they not stop at Pluto, or a comet to fulfill this particularity? Because this particular fetish involves people skating on the ice after they're done with it. Weird, I know, but I didn’t make this up, so blame the universe that spawned these guys. Okay, so you’ve proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that aliens like ice in the VHLm – how does that affect it?
 

You won't believe what its tongue looks like - or what it can do.
 
First, you have to understand what the aliens do to this ice. They lick it, usually about 6 hours before game time. Oh, and they’re invisible so you can’t see when they do it. What this does to the ice is creates an alternate probability field in the areas that they have licked, which can account for a variety of strange happenings on the ice, like pucks standing on their sides or the Wild inexplicably having a close game with the Rush, who are clearly 2 gud for that nonsense. Now, while the aliens themselves are invisible, these probability fields are especially visible to someone who is under the influence of far too much alcohol, except off coolers because those are for sissies, since the tongue marks then begin to glow with a ghastly blue light. Of course, even such a clear indicator of an on-ice advantage is made difficult to profit by, since, to learn about these alien-licks, you would have to break into the arena, get hammered, examine the ice, and then be sober enough to contact a bookie and make an informed decision.  But gambling is always a little bit of a risk.
 
Dragons
The last and final indicator of an obvious VHL win is the presence of a dragon on the bench. While this signifier is usually seen too late for any meaningful betting, as the game has already started, having a magical, fire breathing beast tends to tip a game in the team’s favor. However, dragons are fickle and don’t exactly like having to skate, except that one with three heads, but that dragon isn’t as good at hockey as say, Kur or Typhon, and happens to have two too many heads for it to matter.
 

Look how imposing I am. Also, I play hockey.
 
There is also a rumour that a lack of “renter’s insurance” can affect a VHLm game, but that crazy myth has yet to be validated. 
 
Now that you know all the insiders secrets, happy betting, and don't drink too much, because I want some. 

Man, that OT loss stings so much.  I have 63 penalty minutes in 72 games in the regular season... then I get 4 minutes in 2 games in the playoffs. FML

Lord of the Rings are some of my favorite movies of all time.
 
The Hobbit Part 1 was meh, part 2 was brutal and part 3 I won't bother watching until I have time on a Friday night and can watch it for free from home.  So sad what he did to it, particularly when the LoTR were so amazing.

Oh yikes, I didn't see the older ones.  We're mostly caught up now at least, and I'll try to keep it that way!

How to Bet the VHLm (or mad ravings)
 
Outside of March Madness, Black Friday Fatalities numbers and Dog Shows, few events capture the interest of bookies like the VHLm playoffs. It’s one of those events where anything can happen, except injuries and, inexplicably, bench clearing brawls. As a result, the more seasoned VHLm betters know to look at the more obscure phenomenon that can affect the outcome of a match, knowing full well that the play-offs are much more than a simple number crunch bet.
 
Mascots
The first of these signs is mascot health.  Yes, the mascots. In a league where the stars seem to perpetually improve, Newton’s third law suggests that something, somewhere must be perpetually declining. Using my vast sleuthing resources, I have determined that the something is the mascots.  Using a form of wizardry that has been scarcely seen since Cleopatra (you think her beauty was natural?), VHL GMs have been bewitching their mascots in a zero sum game with their star players. Beneath their plushy exteriors, these mascots are actually growing old at an alarming rate. If you see a mascot who is actually doing jumping jacks, you can anticipate that the team will not fare as well as the geriatric antics of another mascot, who is pulling his pants down to reveal varicose veins and a diaper along to go with their obvious onset of dementia. This indicator, however, is sometimes skewed, as the GMs of more popular teams can often dupe a young, foolish fan into the outfits with some free tickets.
 

This should await you under that plushie exterior. 
 
Aliens
The next indicator is in the night sky. No, I’m not talking astronomy or astrology or boredom. I’m talking about aliens. It’s been well documented that aliens are a driving force behind the VHL, taking a special interest in the ice conditions of the VHLm. Why would a highly advanced, extra-terrestrial being be interested in ice conditions you’d ask? Simple. For the same reason someone could look at a beautiful model and be interested in their feet. Fetishes are strange things, and not to be insulted - especially when insulting things can get you probed in uncomfortable places. And why would they not stop at Pluto, or a comet to fulfill this particularity? Because this particular fetish involves people skating on the ice after they're done with it. Weird, I know, but I didn’t make this up, so blame the universe that spawned these guys. Okay, so you’ve proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that aliens like ice in the VHLm – how does that affect it?
 

You won't believe what its tongue looks like - or what it can do.
 
First, you have to understand what the aliens do to this ice. They lick it, usually about 6 hours before game time. Oh, and they’re invisible so you can’t see when they do it. What this does to the ice is creates an alternate probability field in the areas that they have licked, which can account for a variety of strange happenings on the ice, like pucks standing on their sides or the Wild inexplicably having a close game with the Rush, who are clearly 2 gud for that nonsense. Now, while the aliens themselves are invisible, these probability fields are especially visible to someone who is under the influence of far too much alcohol, except off coolers because those are for sissies, since the tongue marks then begin to glow with a ghastly blue light. Of course, even such a clear indicator of an on-ice advantage is made difficult to profit by, since, to learn about these alien-licks, you would have to break into the arena, get hammered, examine the ice, and then be sober enough to contact a bookie and make an informed decision.  But gambling is always a little bit of a risk.
 
Dragons
The last and final indicator of an obvious VHL win is the presence of a dragon on the bench. While this signifier is usually seen too late for any meaningful betting, as the game has already started, having a magical, fire breathing beast tends to tip a game in the team’s favor. However, dragons are fickle and don’t exactly like having to skate, except that one with three heads, but that dragon isn’t as good at hockey as say, Kur or Typhon, and happens to have two too many heads for it to matter.
 

Look how imposing I am. Also, I play hockey.
 
There is also a rumour that a lack of “renter’s insurance” can affect a VHLm game, but that crazy myth has yet to be validated. 
 
Now that you know all the insiders secrets, happy betting, and don't drink too much, because I want some. 

I don't trust this Draper fellow.

I don't trust this Draper fellow.

I'll get the rookie profile and all those Sunday media spots done by tonight.  I'm done class at 6, we'll be all caught up likely around 10

Content: 2.75/3
I'm going to go with lere on this one. It's a little short, and the "related to the VHL" is getting tenuous at best. You get a pass this week, mostly because this is the "final" hero post, but I will be more harsh next week. 
 
I'm also not sure how exactly he opened the door a few inches into a concrete wall, then managed to find the matchbox taped to it, unless he has crazy Mr. Fantastic-like extendable fingers. 
Grammar: 2/2
Didn't really see any issues.
 
Appearance: 1/1
I've never had an issues with the overabundance of images. I found it was a part of your style, disjointed like the story & sentences themselves.
 
Overall: 5.25 + 5.75 = 5.5 rounded up to 6
It was a close one.  Next week, we'll be watching! 

Robert Gow III
 

 
Name: Robert Gow III
Height: 5'10"
Weight: 177 lbs
Position: Right Wing
Handness: Left
Hometown: Philadelphia, PA
 
Childhood
 
     Robert Gow III (RGIII) was born in Philadelphia on May 22nd, 1995 at 12:34 PM. RGIII was literally born in a hockey rink in Philadelphia, as his mother, Kaitlyn Gow, was attending Austin Gow’s practice when she went into labor. Legend has it that the moment RGIII was born inside the hockey rink, the first thing he did was shove a hockey puck into a net, which foreshadowed his goal-scoring future. Born to the Gow family dynasty, everyone knew from the moment RGIII was born he was going to become a special hockey player. Robert began his hockey career at the age of three, and by the time he was six years old he was playing in a travel league for nine-year olds. RGIII was such a dominant player that it is rumored the New York Americans sent multiple scouts to check out his abilities. However, being raised by a good Philadelphia man in Austin Gow, RGIII wanted nothing to do with a team from New York.
 

 
High School
 
     RGIII was actually recruited by multiple high schools due the talent he displayed every time he touched the ice. While lots of famous hockey schools from the northeast wanted Robert, he decided to stay in the Philadelphia area and attended 2 Gud High School. When Robert Gow III first joined his school’s hockey team, he possessed a smug attitude due to how easily he obtained success earlier in his career. RGIII knew he had the talent to play on varsity his freshman year, as he was already an elite goal scorer. However, Gow’s coach was not one to accept prima-donnas, and benched RGIII for the first half of his freshman year. This served as a huge wakeup call for the young sniper, as he realized he would have to combine his talent along with a good work ethic in order to realize his full potential. Robert’s coach still refused to play him on varsity for the rest of the season, but could see his effort as he was dominating against the scrubs down in junior varsity.
 
     RGIII had a much better sophomore season, as he played wing on the first line for the varsity squad. Adding to the excitement, RGIII’s cousin, Robin Gow, decided to transfer to 2 Gud High School in order to unite the Gow family.  With Robin centering the Gow line, the duo put up outstanding stats as they led 2 Gud High to their league’s championship. In the 40 game season, RGIII scored 45 goals, many of which were assisted by his cousin’s crisp passing. RGIII particularly performed well in his team’s championship game, as he netted a hat trick and scored the game winning goal with just 2 seconds remaining in the period.
 

 
Gow cousins celebrating their cup together
 
     RGIII’s junior year did not start off particularly well for the Gow family. In their first game, hard-hitting forward Brennan McQueen delivered a punishing blow on Robin Gow. RGIII was angered by the hit and stuck up for his cousin by destroying McQueen in a fight. While RGIII’s teammates appreciated his fight, the league did not and he was suspended for two weeks for breaking the no-fighting policy. Neither of the Gows would play for the first two weeks of 2 Gud’s season, with Robin recovering from his injury and Robert suspended. Without their two star players, the team started off in a big slump as they failed to score many goals in their five consecutive losses. The return of the Gow brothers did not help to invigorate the team either, as they kept as sub-.500 record for the next few weeks. However, a midseason visit from Philadelphia Flyers coach Craig Berube immensely helped the team, as defensemen learned how to pass the puck out of their zone, forwards learned how to play defense in their own zone, and everyone played with greater physical intensity. The team picked up the pace, but unfortunately could not overcome their early season deficit and barely missed the playoffs.
 
     After a disappointing junior year, the Gow cousins hit the weight room hard in avoid another disaster. RGIII has never been known as a physical player, but his senior year brought out a new side of him, as Gow racked up 100 hits on the season. His most famous hit of the season was on scrawny defenseman Don Draper, as it is rumored Gow sent Draper flying from blue line to blue line. Due to the Gows’ skill combined with their newfound physical play, other teams stood no chance against the dynamic duo. Along with his 100 hits, RGIII was also a force in front of the net, as he netted 65 goals on the season. His great play led to 2 Gud High winning their second championship in three seasons.
 
The Decision
 
     After high school, RGIII had to make the fateful decision thousands of athletes across the country must make; go college or go pro. While the decision may be difficult for most athletes, Gow knew right away he wanted to go pro due to his family’s history in the VHL. To make matters easier, RGIII’s uncle, Jim Gow, was the GM of the Ottawa Lynx, so he was guaranteed to at least be drafted. Because of this, RGIII decided to enter the Season 35 VHLM Dispersal Draft.
 

 
RGIII’s VHL Career
 
     Before RGIII could enter the VHLM Draft, he had a chance to showcase his talent as a waiver claim. The Minot Gladiators claimed RGIII midway through Season 34, but he did little to stand out as he netted just four points while playing on the fourth line. However, Gow’s talent from high school was still well-known to VHLM GMs, as he was selected by the Ottawa Lynx with the sixth overall pick of the Season 36 VHLM Draft, and by the Riga Reign with the fifth overall pick of the VHL Draft. RGIII decided to develop in the minors for another season, and statistically had a relatively average season with the Lynx. However, he had an overall great experience with the Lynx as he learned how to be a part of a successful team as the Lynx won the cup. In Season 37, RGIII moved up to the big leagues and made his rookie debut with the Riga Reign. Statistically, RGIII had a solid rookie season (unfortunately the team hadn’t quite developed enough to be cup contenders.) In Seasons 38 and 39, RGIII’s stats suffered, and the Reign were unable to achieve their goal of a cup due to the pesky HC Davos Dynamo. Finally, in Season 40 RGIII was able to turn his career around, as he averaged over a point per game. Possibly due to the frustrated Gow finally producing, the Reign won their first cup with the McGow core and celebrated in grand fashion. This season, RGIII is once again off to a good start, as he is second on the Reign in points. More importantly, Riga looks as though they will make the playoffs once again, and Gow hopes he can finish out his last few seasons with a few Riga victories.
 

yukon 2 gud

Content: 2.75/3
I'm going to go with lere on this one. It's a little short, and the "related to the VHL" is getting tenuous at best. You get a pass this week, mostly because this is the "final" hero post, but I will be more harsh next week. 
 
I'm also not sure how exactly he opened the door a few inches into a concrete wall, then managed to find the matchbox taped to it, unless he has crazy Mr. Fantastic-like extendable fingers. 
Grammar: 2/2
Didn't really see any issues.
 
Appearance: 1/1
I've never had an issues with the overabundance of images. I found it was a part of your style, disjointed like the story & sentences themselves.
 
Overall: 5.25 + 5.75 = 5.5 rounded up to 6
It was a close one.  Next week, we'll be watching! 

Oh man.  So... this has been a crazy time for me, as you probably noticed by my complete absence.

Needless to say, I'm back and ready to get in gear again!  Sorry if we've fallen behind, but I'm back to pick up the slack.

Two players not updated?! Conspiracy.  

I knew they wanted to keep the Rush down. 

2 gud for the whole league, obvs. 

Didn't get a shout out. We are now mortal enemies.
 
Merry Christmas.

Didn't get a shout out. We are now mortal enemies.
 
Merry Christmas.

Didn't get a shout out. We are now mortal enemies.
 
Merry Christmas.

There was this book I read as a kid, something about a badger sort of character named Frances. And the one thing I remember from this book was that a family is everybody all together.
 
I've been in Yukon for a while, and I love it. Every moment of my time in this here locker room has been fantastic. You're all fantastic people, and I hope to stay here for a long time more.
 
But back to Frances for a moment. I've never met any of you in real life, and I probably never will. But by virtue of the fact that we hang out in this little forum of ours, and because some of us have players on the same fake hockey team, we're a family.
 
A few shoutouts to my VHL family.
 
Austin – You're the man, no matter how much I make fun of you. Thanks for your help the past while, with GM stuff and also with my wall of quotes.
BOOM – I love your pictures. You live in the home of my favorite Australian baseball team, but apparently nobody in Australia actually cares, so that's out.
Mook – Hi.
Lere – We've chatted a few times, but you spent most of convincing me to and then helping me join that football thing. How's that going?
Munk – I love Munk. Munk is awesome. That's all there is to it.
Victor – Victor has the strangest accent I've ever heard. It was sort of fun to listen to on the draft lottery, but it's still very strange.
Denver – I've chatted with you a few times, you're pretty cool. Hopefully everything is going alright health-wise, I'm pulling for you.
PXzero – We're actually chatting as I'm writing this. You're a bunch of mushrooms.
Rum_ham – I'm not sure if I've ever actually chatted with you, although my memory is Swiss and I may have forgotten a thoughtful and engaging conversation.
 
In conclusion, merry Christmas.

Badgers... mushrooms... You asked for it.

Also. Since it's that day, and I have nothing better to do, here's something to put us all in the holiday cheer:
 

 
I hope you're as scarred and confused as I am. 

I used to work at Pizza Hut.  You can go there on Christmas day, and party with a completely full restaurant.  
For some reason though, Chistmas day pizza-goers do NOT TIP.  

I made on average 50% of what I'd make for the same service/amount of people in tips.  Needless to say, I stopped working the Christmas day shift.