Jericho

I think more of us are wanting to hear Ball flap his lips. It's funny. You know when most of us notice problems in the sim, we PM someone with a tone along the lines of "Hey brah, noticed that ___ was wrong. Could we get that shit fixed? Thanks again!" You know, like adults.

One day Jax Barnstormer was walking through the woods when he came across a rabid mongoose. The two engaged in hand to hand combat, with the goaltender easily being the victor. After snapping the bird's neck, he used it for bait and caught himself a big ass motherfucking moose. After cooking the moose Barnstormer feasted upon its carcass and used his flute to call his eagle friend for help. The eagle descended from the heavens and carried Jax into the sky to soar among the clouds. Chillin' with his Eagle friend After dive bombing a few geese Jax released the talons of his avian friend and plummeted to the Earth, landing gracefully in the center of town. As soon as he landed, a flash-mob broke out, and Jax joined in with perfectly synchronized dance. Several ladies began to swoon at his amazing dance moves and asked him if he could persuade him to join them for a drink. Jax accepted and the group made their way to the nearest bar, where they proceeded to engage in the noble sport of beer pong. After several hours and a mild amount of intoxication later, Jax heard a scuffle outside. Upon investigating he found his mentor, Daniel Braxton engaged in a fist fight with the entire Season 26 Seattle Bear roster. Despite superior numbers, Braxton was handling himself well, in part because the Americans are superior to the Bears in every way, and in part because Nikolai Lebedev wasn't really trying due to his mildly homoerotic feelings towards Braxton. With Barnstormer's help the former and current American players were able to dispatch of the elderly Bear alumni, only to turn and find a mob of angry locals swarming them. Barnstormer had totally forgotten that they were in the middle of Seattle, and that beating up local heroes might not endear them to the people of Seattle. Channeling his inner Niko Bellic, Barnstormer and Braxton stole the nearest car and ran through the crowd of angry citizens, breaking a few legs in the process. It wasn't long before the Seattle Police Department were in pursuit. Barnstormer couldn't shake them for the life of him, so Braxton was forced to delve into his disturbingly large supply of molotov cocktails and start lighting a few hoods on fire. Eventually a helicopter joined the chase, so the rocket launcher came out. Two charred helicopter remains later the police decided to turn back, and the pair made their getaway. Cool Guys don't look at explosions Returning to New York the pair of players were surprised to see that the girls from the bar had been in the backseat the whole time, and neither had said a word during the drive. Braxton sent them to the airport and figured that they'd be ok from there. he then returned to MSG, where he'd been living since retiring in a supply closet under the upper bowl. Barnstormer returned to practice and everything went back to normal.

Jatt was also a really strong jungler in Season 2. Played for DIG before Crumbzz.

This is fucking surreal!

You motherfucker! I had no idea you were there! Also, I'm fairly certain I didn't in fact ID the old lady. She ordered Pepsi, and IDing old people was part of my routine like 6 months ago. I believe I was referencing an earlier visit, but yesterday was such a shit show that I wasn't really taking as much time to talk to people as usual. This is actually hilarious though! Was I pleasant? I hope I didn't act like a bag of dicks.

Oslo Receives: S44 Bratislava 2nd Bratislava Receives S46 Oslo 2nd S45 Oslo 3rd Bratislava accepts

No this is what happens when we give Bash a team and he bails. They fluke into a win right before they name a new GM. S31 Davos for example. #Newcurse?

Is there a stat for goalies as well?

Over the past few weeks we've learned the fabled tales of Noah Lefevre and Damien Sandow Walec. Today we cover the tale of a man who's largely past his prime in life: Ryan Power. Ryan's a bitter old man, but there was a time when he was a fresh faced youth not unlike Niko Bellic. Ryan could routinely be found sleeping on floors, eating out of dumpsters and telling his cousin that he doesn't want to go bowling. On the day of his 17th birthday, Ryan was called by the local mob boss, "El Jefe". "Gringo, I need you to take care of a few chicos down by Old Town. They've been interfering with my 'business deals' down there. Clear them out." Ryan grabbed a few guns and made his way to Old Town. Upon entering he found a few Spanish gang bangers hanging out next to a broken car. As he began to approach them several more gangsters showed up behind him, and soon he was surrounded. "You've come to the wrong place Gringo. Old Town is our turf, and you aren't going to be leaving alive". Just then a bullet went through the speaker's throat. The Spaniards began to look around in confusion, during which time several of the guys behind Ryan were dropped. Jumping into action Ryan helped his mysterious new ally clear out the remaining assailants, then made his way to the rooftops. Judging by the angle of the shots, Ryan assumed his new friend was up there. As he made his way to the rooftop he found a skinny man in his mid twenties with a sniper rifle. The figure stood and said, "Man your life used to be way too interesting. Nice shooting." Ryan was cautious, and so he drew his pistol and leveled it at this mysterious man, "Who the hell are you? And what do you mean used to be?" The skinny man seemed unphased by the gun in his face, "Oh right. I'm a friend from the future. You can call me Jericho. I was sent from 10 years in the future to ensure that history played out the way it was meant to. You see, you and I are friends there. We have a small social circle from different parts of the country and we finally set up a meeting in Ontario. We were just celebrating your 27th birthday when you remembered that you were almost killed on your 17th. You sent me back to save younger you, so here I am." Ryan lowered his gun, "Let's say I believe you. What happens in the future?" Jericho smirked, "Oh you get super boring. You become this old man in your 20s who complains about his back pain and taxes. You leave the life of crime behind and hang out with a skinny man-child and a sports nerd on the internet. Truth be told it's actually kind of awesome, but you leave this GTA 4 lifestyle behind." "They made a Grand Theft Auto 4?" "Oh right, I forgot this is 2005. Yeah they do, and it's totally the best one. You should be clear from here on out. Just remember to keep your head down and that you need to add to skating earlier in Logan Laich's career." And with that Jericho jumped off the rooftop and disappeared back into the time rift.

Yeah, then you hit your early 80s you geezer.

For those of you who read my last article, you learned a very valuable lesson: Noah Lefevre is the Ron Burgundy of the VHL. Ron Burgundy was amazing, but he didn't do it alone. He has his Champ Kind (Pope). His Brian Fantana (Me). His Veronica Corningstone (Meg). This story tells you about his Brick Tamland: Damien Walec. Most of you know the origin of the Pajodcast Crew. A bunch of VHL dudes started talking on skype one day. The members of the crew have grown and shrank over the years. During this time we always had myself, Devise and Advantage. People would phase in and out: Jason, Noah, Boom and Streetlight. All of us were guys in their early to mid (or late in old man Jason's case) twenties. All except one. Every group needs the younger guy who struggles to obtain an identity with his older brethren. A Ginny Weasley if you will. Ours was Damien. Though he's now a stunt double for Bin Laden with his sick and greasy beard he was once a fresh faced teenager who had trouble talking to girls. This is the story of how he became a man. Look at that fucking thing!! It was a few months before his prom, and Damien needed a date. He asked for help from his friends while building a sick cloud fortress in Terraria with Devise and I. We didn't have much advice, because I was in a relationship during my prom and Devise is immune to women. We branched out to Noah, but he lost his virginity as soon as he left the womb to the nearest nurse, so his answer wasn't a practical one. Boom gave a girl a kangaroo, Advantage bought a hooker and Jason built a robo-date: none of which were valid options for Damien. It was at this time that I told him he had to sack and initiate the Theta Protocol. Damien found a target: A cute girl in his gym class. He walked up to her one day after totally obliterating the Beep Test and asked her to follow him. They went off into a quiet corner and he proceeded to show her a photo. At first glance, it looked like an early version of a naked selfie. In actuality, Damien had used his mad photoshop skills to put his head on Noah's body and used one of HIS naked selfies, because the penis was more impressive. The girl took him into the locker room and had her way with him then and there. They probably went to the prom too, but from that day on Damien was a true man. Those pipes, were clean....and how. I am the one who knocks... From that day on Damien was a changed man. He grew out his terrorist beard and started 420 blazing it every day. He eventually grew a second dick and proceeded to have a threesome where he could actually satisfy two women at the same time, a feat nobody else in the world had been able to accomplish (barring Noah). It was totally sweet. The End.

Bratislava claims Sandro Clegane

You're in the spinoff. Part two Damien...part two...

Many stories have been written over the years to commemorate the VHLs greats: Campbell, Braxton, Labatte, Braxton, Kanou, Braxton, Sullivan, Braxton and Logan Laich*. There's one man who nobody ever recognizes. A man who has captured the hearts of millions. A man who saved the entire world, and nobody even batted an eyelash. A man who protected us from horrors we were never aware of. A man named Noah Fucking Lefevre. Below lies the tale of the time Noah saved the entire world. The year was 2013. Noah was living in a small, one bedroom apartment with his magical friend Pope (who lived in his kitchen). Noah and Pope were pretty cool dudes, but they had this habit of befriending random losers on the internet. Some of these losers are names you would recognize. Damien Walec, Chris Miller, Ryan Power, Jason Glasser and the biggest loser of them all: Kyle Snow. One day, Noah and Kyle thought it would be really funny to prank Pope, so Noah gave Kyle the number of a girl who Pope had sexual feelings for and pretended to be Daniel Braxton. It was super funny and not-at-all stalkerish and both men laughed at every sent and received message until the joke died and Kyle let the poor girl move on with her life. Noah told Pope about the joke, who proceeded to be a real downer and then told the girl the truth. Kyle and Noah warned Pope about the consequences, but he wasn't listening. Once the girl found out she became super enraged, which was bad because she was a fucking sorceress. She cast a spell on the planet that caused trees to come to life and attack major cities. Kyle was a total hero and could totally have saved everyone's life, but he doesn't life in a major city and was like, "Fuck man, that shit's far..." So he just ignored it and flexed in front of a mirror. With Kyle off fucking around in Moncton and Pope crying under the kitchen sink, his bed, Noah was the only one who knew the source of the curse's power. He went to the witch's cave which was ninty million, one hundred and fifty thousand, hundred feet in the air. He proceeded to her cave and fought through her army of awesome karate bears. Upon entering the cave the two began a fierce battle. The battle reigned on for days and days, and Noah fought so hard he missed a long standing appointment for brunch. Eventually he was able to get the spell caster into a full nelson, and made her tap out, which ended the curse for everyone. Noah returned home a hero. He woke up Pope and the two proceeded to play video games and masturbate until the doorbell rang. Outside the door awaited 7 hot girls, who's cars had just broken down outside of the house. I'd tell you the rest of the story, but if you've ever seen a porno you know exactly what happened. *As fucking if

David not as Blind as usual!

I tend to blend the real world and the internet too much already, so it was basically the same. Also that palates thing really did happen. It was hilarious.

Hey Devise, how do you feel about Saskatchewan?

my old sig was a super long pic and Victor changed it. Because he's a Nazi

It's easy. Ask Devise what he did with Logan Laich and do the opposite. Or if you wanna look at an actual defenseman, copy LowBraxSullivan, the best three defensemen in league history. *In before Sterling says "banned"

nobody mentions how I make love to the camera through the whole rant.

You know what's fun, when you go to your gate like 4 hours early, and then you find out that they moved your gplane tot he gate on the other side of the terminal 5 minutes before boarding. Lucky for me I beat the flight attendants (who also hadn't been informed) so I was still on time. But FUCK Toronto's shitty airport!

You show some respect for Jan Egeland Victor! He's the United Nations super hero man!

THESE PIPES ARE CLEAN! AND HOW!

We sent in JAN EGELAND!