Welcome, astute guests!
I am very pleased to write my 10,000th post on the board!!! I spent a helluva long time on this and hope many of you at least glance at it.
I posted a sign-up for the party 3 weeks back. Many replied and as a result, they all attended the party. That doesn't mean that the rest of you can't enjoy it.
I have typed it out and copied it below (no I have not formatted it... fuck that.) It runs at just 8,000 words.
Now, to avoid the whole 'tl;dr' thing. I also audio-booked it and made it into a podcast (which will be my PT for the week) So you can either read the story, listen to the story, both, or neither. I am so far having some trouble uploading it but I will be posting in here.
I love you all very much and thank you for making my time here so memorable.
Below, is the party - enjoy
*EDIT* - Also, for a list of who's there and what they brought, please refer HERE to the sign-up thread (It will help make sense of the story)
LISTEN TO THE STORY HERE
I arose from my slumber in a daze.. as always. I looked up groggily to see the cat at the window pawing at the screen, clearly wanting to be fed. I ignored it . If you have never had the pleasure of waking up beside me, you won't know not to touch me or interact with me in any way for at least the first hour of my day. The exception was that Asian fuck buddy I had during second year university. She could touch me.
So I rolled out of bed and smacked the glass causing the cat to jump backwards and plunge a full 10 feet to the cold hard dirt as I stumbled into the kitchen to put the coffee on. Today was special for some reason - the fuck was it?
It was only when I was attentive 2 hours later that I remember that Tonight I was hosting the 10,000 post party - the epic milestone that shows my awesomeness as a member of the VHL. Tonight was going to be a great night. Everything needed to be in order, the house needed to be vomit-proof, the keggers needed to be plentiful, the women needed to be panty-less, the cats needed to stay the fuck away. Tonight the VHL would Believe in me... believe in me as I believe in you... tonight (Fade in Tonight tonight)
The guests would be showing up at around 7pm... except the Jew guests, because they would be on jew time which means if you say 7 o'clock, they'll show up at 9:30. But that's why the party was planned for 7. That and I usually start drinking at six and need to be semi-conscious in order to host this magnificent event. The guest list was awe-inspiring so far: eagles and flyersfan, UZI, Advantage, Noah, Frank, Kendrick, Tfong, Cuffy, Beketov, knight, Higgins. green, fresco, CoachReilly, James, victor, draper, da trifecta, Métis, doomsday, pxzero, RomanesEuntDomus, Jardy, Jericho, Jaime, InstantRockstar, diamond ace... hoollllly herpes... ima need more beer.
After a rushed journey to the center of the beer store and back, I stored the newly purchased kegs of liquid-awesome in the downstairs fridge. As I stuffed the last one in, leaning against the door in order to attempt to shut the fridge, I suddenly remembered the old ping-pong table I had in the garage and proceeded to drag it out... beer pong would now be a central component of the night. I reviewed my guest list again and started to divide them into teams based on how shitty or awesome their VHL players were. Coordination whist under the influence would be a big determinate of which team would win.
It was only then that I realized that I didn't like dicks all that much so what this party needed next was at least double the amount of bewbs. So I purposefully wandered down to U of T and invited the hot sorority girls to party with the hockey players. Naturally they agreed, basically just the letters 'V.H. and L.' made them wetter than west African sluts during monsoon season. But in the unlikely event that they bailed, I had a team of hookers on stand-by.
The time was 6. I was tingling with anticipation... at least that's what I hoped it was and not the start of a stroke. Either way, by the end of the night I was probably not going to be feeling one or both sides of my body, but I couldn't wait to see how the night unfolded. So many people important to me were coming. I was so excited. I needed to make sure this party was great. I needed the people I love to be impressed and drunk off their asses. I needed to get into the party mode. I looked around for my plastic wrapped stereo system pressed play and then asked an infectious question: [What is Love ]
Heart pounding, slight sweaty, a wild sense of satisfaction on my face.... wait, did I just have sex with myself? You know what, there's nothing wrong with dancing around the house while whacking it to haddaway while waiting for the guest to show up, is there? And then, as if on cue... the doorbell rings - it's 6:45!
[in the background: rockafella skank] Flyersfan! Come in come in, what's that? Buffalo chicken dip? awesome and tasty, hey take off those shoes, this is imported Italian carpet... haha just joking, my man, just joking... it's Portuguese. come, come, here's a beer.
Before Flyersfan knew what hit him, the beer connected with his forehead and exploded all over the porch area. He feel to the ground like a big bag of dicks and lay unconscious, frothing at the mouth... or maybe that was just head from the beer.
Well fuck.... that's a great start. At least the buffalo chicken dip's alright. I set it down on the kitchen table and proceeded to throw paper towels on the wet carpet and over flyersfan in hope that it would suck up the beer. ' I knew I should have used plastic cups,' I muttered to myself. Once flyersfan was sufficiently dry, I dragged him over to the couch and propped him into a sitting position. The door bell rang. I looked out the window to see who it was. Time stood still. My heart stopped. [You'll Never Walk Alone]
As if in slo-motion, I stepped through the puddle of carpet beer to the door and opened it, revealing UZI. On his arm was the Captain and a legend of Liverpool Football Club, one of my personal heroes, a man that only needs an introduction in this continent: Steven Gerrard.
As I reached out my hand to shake his, I felt my erection throbbing (no homo). I could not believe that en route from Australia, this bastard had stopped in Liverpool and somehow gotten Stevie G to agree to come to this prestigious VHL party. [Fade out song]Then I noticed the Czech hookers that followed behind him. That probably held some sway in the decision.
I decided wisely this time to hand a beer over to my guest. Uzi went over to flyersfan and started holding a one-way conversation with him... somehow. Uzi can be very self-absorbed, but that's why I love him.
There was an odious banging on the door. I opened the door to find an already drunk Eaglesfan with one arm slung over someone I didn't immediately recognize.
"Hi! My name is Eaglesfan and this is my brother, flyersfan."
I looked from the alleged flyersfan, to the flyersfan still unconscious on my couch, and then back to Eaglesfan and sighed 'Eagles, I don't know what you've been drinking, but that's not flyersfan. He's already here.
"Wha... abuh.. huh? Who the fuck are you?" [What's my name?]
"My name's Chris you octo-zit!... and I brought some helluva good chip dip ... oh and chips Phil so dig in. I wasn't going to come, but you were so persuasive."
"ADVANTAGE!" I exclaimed. 'You made it... I thought you were too busy hacking through the jungles of Indonesia looking for David Knight's Assassin to make it!
'That's why I look like a fucking train wreck, where's your washroom?"
The party was starting to take shape. As things had gotten off to a pretty rocky start, I figured, like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes. Looking around I saw Uzi still in deep monologue with flyersfan, Eaglesfan was getting reacquainted with advantage and the Czech hookers were blowing up balloons for some reason in a really hot manner.... o...m...g... those aren't balloons, they're condoms.
“Wait,” I said to one of the hookers –tall, leggy dark haired with rosy cheeks. “You guys brought that many condoms? Holy shit balls!”
“We deed not bring all ofh zem. Zat man over zer supplied us weeth the rest.”
I looked at the direction her finger was pointing and although jumped in surprise, my brain told me I really shouldn’t be flabbergasted and should probably expect it. There stood Noah, leaning up against the wall sipping a tankard of beer.
“The Fuck Noah! How and when did you get in here, you sneaky son-o-bitch?”
“I came down the chimney. I was just about to fill your stocking with a surprise but then I thought…"
“JIZZ”
[Dexter theme song]The entire party came crashing to a halt and turned around to see where the exclamation had come from. There was something profoundly sinister about the voice. Its low pitch carried overtones of a high child-like voice that made the hairs on the back of your neck stand tall, as if trying to pull themselves out from your roots in order to escape. A cold wind blew in through the room scattering dead leaves across the carpet. Despite this, the air was stale. Then the stench hit us – dead puppies. There on the threshold, with a wide stance in a long beige trench coat, stood Frank.
He strode into the room, bringing in more dead matter with him in his wake and grabbed the beer out of Uzi's hands. His eyes were glowing red. He surveyed the room, turned, and slowly descended down the dark stairs to the basement one at time, disappearing behind a corner of eternal black. [Fade out]
“FFS can someone please shut the door!?” Advantage yelled, hugging himself from the cold.
Eaglesfan obliged, and slammed the door shut.
“Is Frank always that… strange?” He asked.
“Only on Fridays,” replied Noah. "Don’t worry he’ll snap out of it when his beer is empty."
Uzi, however, did not look so calm. “That fucking twat took my beer. I’ll fry his ass like a shrimp on the Barbie.”
“Barbie you say? Alright let’s get this party rolling once more!” [barbie Girl]
“Anyway, so Noah, how in the testes of George Clooney DID you manage to sneak in?”
“Oh, I used the back door. GIGGITY.”
“Touché, brosidon, touché”
After that little bout of craziness the party seemed to be back on track. The beer was flowing, spirits were high, the Czech hooker were playing condom balloon volleyball with each other, Boom resumed talking to the still unconscious flyersfan, and Noah was talking with Advantage, discussing how they should plan their next trip to the outback to resume the search for David Knight’s assassin.
The doorbell rang presently, and upon answering it I saw a clan of VHLm GMs on my doorstep.
“Instant Rockstar! Metis! Kendrick! Tfong! Wow! You guys actually came!”
“It’s nice that someone actually shows show recognition towards us,” replied Tfong. “We are so used to people not giving a shit in the VHLm.”
“Haha, you are so right. Scrub league. Come on in there’s beer and hookers… well everywhere. Let me take your coats”
“Oh schitze” Kendrick said. “I didn’t bring anything.”
“Neither did I” Métis said.
“Or me.” Tfong exclaimed.
“Don’t worry,” InstantRockstar said coyly, you didn’t have to.
“What did you bring?” asked Métis.
IR wave his hand at the three of them, looked at me and said. “I brought all the bitches.”
Kendrick and Métis went straight to the ping pong table and started playing while Tfong tried to chat up one or three of the Czech hookers. Uzi was complaining that flyersfan was monopolizing the conversation and went to challenge Stevie G to a game of mini football in the living room. Eaglesfan was dipping into the chips and dip... and telling, no, more like screaming about how good the stuff was and continued to inhale them as if he were a starving African vacuum. I went to check up on flyersfan because I was pretty sure at this point that he was dead... or at least in a coma. I checked his pulse and heart rate, which were fine. So Advantage to this opportunity to find a funnel from under the kitchen sink, shove it down flyersfan's mouth and start pouring copious amount of beer into him. He gagged and spluttered out the beer, but remained unconscious. One of the Czech hookers turn to another, poking her in the ribs with her elbows "Hah, he takes beer like you take cock."
More guests started to stumble haplessly upon the party. Cuffy arrived and immediately wished he had come to the VHL sooner. He stood awe-struck as he drank in his surroundings, becoming intoxicated in this addictive and enabling environment. He ran once around the living room, stole a beer right out of Uzi's hands, and hugged every hooker in the room, starting with Novakova and ending with Kendrick. Finally, panting with exhaustion, he approached me, put a hand on my shoulder, thanked me for having him, and downed the beer. I casually handed him another one as he gave the empty bottle back to Uzi, who stood there with a look of enraged constipation.
Just as Cuffy asked me if I had anything a little harder than beer (to which Noah yelled from across the room - "Advantage's dick") the doorbell rang and Beketov entered bearing the gift of scotch. Not 10 seconds later, RomanesEuntDomus (RED) strode in through the still open door bringing more scotch. Cuffy was basically crying with happiness.
Glancing down at my watch, I noticed it was only 8:30pm. Luckily, there seemed to be a constant flow of guests so it wasn't too hectic. On the flip side, there were so many people relentlessly coming in, that I had not had time to even get a fucking drink in me. I went to the door to close it, thinking about the beer I was going to chug, when from the sidewalk, up struts Higgins and Green.
"Hello Mr Knight," the commissioner said in an authoritative voice. "I brought something serious. The morning after pills."
"Hello Mr Higgins! Forgive me, but Noah already brought condoms! I don't think we'll be needing them, but thank you nonetheless. Better safe than sorry"
Higgins surveyed the room and was about to point out the blown up balloon condoms when Green interjected with a massive pile of diapers - shoving them into my hands. "My wife goes a little crazy with the amount of diapers she buys for our little one, so I figure between the condoms you aren't going to use and the morning after pills that probably aren't going to be used, these will come in handy."
"You guys are delightfully thoughtful! Please enter and make yourselves comfortable, maybe play some foosball on the table over ther.... waitaminute.. where the fuck did that foosball table come from?"
"I'll field that question," said Advantage punnily. "You see, when we saw how gaily Métis and Kendrick were playing ping pong we figured what we really needed was some foosball, so I had InstantRockstar go to Wal-Mart and pick us up one with this credit card I found lying around in this wallet which was in a locked drawer in that bedroom over there."
"Wait what!? You stole my credit card!?"
"And when he got back he called me outside because he realized it wouldn't fit in through the front door. So we went around to the side of the house and inserted it through that nice big window of yours. Of course, we had to remove the glass with a sledgehammer but we covered it up nicely for ya.."
Racing around to the other side of the house, I stared in disbelief at the hole in my house where a window used to be. Now it was just a massive fissure semi-covered up by cling-wrap. I trudged back to the party, grabbed the bottle of scotch from Beketov and started consuming its contents.
"Slow down, ya goof," said a voice from behind me. I looked through the bottle of scotch to see a watery golden version of Frescoelmo and CoachReilly, looking like liquid-y golden status of angles . I shoved the scotch back into Beketov's hand and threw my arms around the two of them.
"I am so happy to see you guys. I was about ready to murder something."
"Sack up, Phil, you monkey." said Métis. "It's not like we robbed you. Look at it this way: you now own a foosball table! How awesome is that!? You don't want to wrench this party's fun away, do you?" [Fade in Monkey Wrench]
"...What have we done with innocence?"
"So mang, I brought this case of Canadian Mist." Fresco said proudly.
"And I brought a bidet," sang out CoachReilly equally as proudly. "So we can all have fresh buttz."
"Oh my below-sea-level fossils! That's perfect Coach! I've been so busy wiping my own child's ass that I have not had any wiping time for my own!" And with that, Green grabbed the bidet out of CoachReilly's hands and locked himself in the bathroom with a toolbox that was conveniently located by Advantage in a tool shed in the garden.
I picked up a bottle of Canadian Mist and, despite its shittiness - or maybe because of it - started downing it.
I slumped down on the couch, already exhausted from the first couple hours of the party. I could at least find solace in the fact that everyone seemed to be having a good time - and isn't that what party's are all about? Isn't this the underlying goal of a party? Rather than focussing on one's property damage or the cost one is incurring, shouldn't one look at the joy they are bringing to others? It looked as though Tfong was actually getting somewhere with his mission to pick up a Czech hooker. It was now a scientific fact that after 13 consecutive games of ping pong, Kendrick was undeniably more superior at the game than was Métis. Higgins was happily answering none of the questions posed to him about the league. Eaglesfan and RED were gaily involved in the penis game ("Let's take this outside" RED suggested). Cuffy had decided to start making teams for beer pong by sorting out the quality of the members' players. You know what? I mused to myself. [Fade in Madness] This madness wasn't turning out too badly at all.
In my newly improved mood of optimism I got up to answer the doorbell I would have otherwise ignored and invited Draper into my house! He had brought a bottle of Canadian Club and was immediately beckoned over to the kitchen table by fresco and CoachReilly to have a tasting competition between the two whiskeys. Chuckling to myself, I moseyed back to the living room to see how Uzi and Stevie G were getting on with the game of mini footy. They seemed to be having a lot of fun. It was being officiated by Beketov. There were mini nets and everything - it was actually quite an impressive set up. They were playing with this almost spherical object... it actually looked quite squishy... what was that?
A knock on the door drew my attention away and announced the arrival of yet another guest. Da Trifecta threw a couple of bags of Doritos and his coat at me and went to hang with Métis, leaving me with my hands full. Half an hour ago, I would have been mad, upset even. But a new mood was in the air now, as refreshing as a pre-moistened towelette. I hung up his coat as a pizza delivery boy holding 7 boxes of pizza yelled out a cost of $150.40. Advantage shoved me aside, saying: "Don't worry Phil, I got this covered," handing over my credit card to the pizza boy.
As Advantage went to the kitchen to warm up the pizzas (he had apparently ordered them within 20 minutes of his arrival and therefore they were almost cold) RED and Eaglesfan were coming back from their penis game and had another guest with them! Pxzero was at my doorstep with many bottles of 151 - to add to the now plethora of hard liquor we have. This was going to be awesome!
"Pxzero, this is great! you can put them in the freezer. If there's no room we can put them in the cooler, although I think someone will have to run to the store because we are out of..."
"Have no fear!" Another voice echoed through my living room. "I have arrived, and I have brought the ice. Every party needs plenty of ice" [ice Ice Baby]
" Doomsday! I would ask when you got here but I think I'll just give up trying to keep track of all my guests. Throw that ice in these coolers baby! We'll need them if we are going to use the 151 for beer pong.
The party, just like a good IPA, was hoppy. It got even more so, when diamond_ace showed up with the Pitt women's volleyball team. Now these girls were fit. Drop-dead gorgeous. Bodies that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room... and breasts that seemed to say: Hey! Squeeze me. They were the type of women that just made you want to get down on your knees and thank God you were a man. diamond_ace had just unlocked the Legendary Stud Achievement for 5,000 Gamer Points.
Tfong immediately went to the mirror, slicked back his hair, and straightened his eyebrows and approached the women, hoping to score their affections, serve their ever need, and bump his social standing.
Observing his game,(How do you like those volleyball puns) Cuffy leaned over to me and said "slicker than whale shit on an iceberg".
I looked at Cuffy, watched Tfong for 5 seconds then replied: "Sarcasm at its best" Going over to the couch I was just about to have another drink when there was a rumble in my gut. I realized how hungry I was. I had not eaten anything since lunch-time. Maybe Advantage's pizza ordering with my money wasn't such a bad idea after all. I could smell the pizza from the couch and started to salivate as I took a delicious sip of beer.
Then, much to the delight of Noah and Advantage... David "Fucking Prick" Knight showed up... along with the U of T sorority girls! This party be all popping like pop rocks. Noah and Advantage swarmed him and started asking a million questions -most predominantly: how he came back from the dead to be there and why had they bothered wasting their time catching malaria in the jungles of some equatorial shit-fire of a country if he were just going to show up anyway.
Coach, fresco and draper beckoned the Pitts volleyball team and the U of T sorority girls into the kitchen for shots of Canadian Mist, as per their consensus of the better whiskey. Luckily, I had thought of buying a bag of 200 plastic shot glasses because there must have been about 50 people in the kitchen. I would like to believe I am a decent DJ and can sense the vibes of a party. So, despite my dislike for flu season, I switched music on to the most appropriate song I could think of [shots shots]
The liquor was flowing, the ping was ponging, the music was pumping, the breasts were bouncing. As I peered out my window, well one of the remaining ones, I noticed a figure wearing a hoodie, bent over in my backyard, back against a tree doing something... I couldn't make out what it was, as it was now dark outside, but it was something rhythmically. Actually it was in rhythm with the beat of the song. Why was he air-drumming outside?
"Oy!" I yelled at the figure, which whipped around, revealing that it was Jericho. "What the fuck are you doing out there?" I asked him. "Come inside where a) it's warm, there's liquor, c) bewbs, d) not cold."
Zipping up his fly he got up to the front porch and shook my hand. "Hey man sorry about that. Yea awesome, thanks, it is quite nipply out here. I was just finishing up."
Wait... zipping up his... "Uh, Jericho, what were you just doing?"
"Oh, just whacking it once before I headed into the party with this porno mag I brought you. Here you are." He shoved a 1993 Vintage Playboy magazine into my hands and started to walk into the party. I have to say that at least his taste was immaculate. Back in the days where women were not afraid of showing their bush. A time where you could look upon close up of a female vagina and think 'yea, that's definitely a vagina of a woman and not an 8-year old'.
Then something else dawned on me."Wait wait wait," I said, beckoning Jericho back over to me. "... but.. why outside? I have a bathroom and ... not that I'm unhappy that you didn't jizz all over my walls, but why in the cold?"
"Ah, my young padowan. You see, jacking it in the cold means loss of feeling in your hands and parts of your dick shaft. This means you get the 'stranger' sensation without having to sit on your hands for 20 minutes. It's a great time-saver." He slapped me on the back and wandered into the party.
I went to the sink to pour acid on my hand.
The doorbell rang once more and I rushed to get it, trying to ignore the burning fire that was the sensation in my hand. I opened the door and saw the second VHL Commissioner to show up - Jardy Junklegirth.... and with him, on his arm, was.... my mother?
"Uh, Jardy... what, why... how, when...?"
"Because Mrs Knight is a fox and a saint! I call her St. Foxy. Now where's the booze in this barn? Also, the playoffs are going to be delayed."
Defeated, I pointed him in the direction of Beketov who handed him the bottle of scotch and led him to the others in the kitchen, on his way, he swiped a beer that was on the little table next to the couch.
Uzi, wiping his brow from the hard work he had put in trying not to lose to badly against Stevie G, turned to grab the now absent beer off the table, discovered that it was gone, and yelled "What in the name of crocodile Dundee is going on here? Where's my drink? Dry as fuck with no foreplay over here."
"What?" said pxzero.
Chortling a little bit to myself, I replied: "He means he's thirsty". I grabbed another beer and tossed it to Uzi.
I then went over to Cuffy to see how he was doing with the list of teams for beer pong. He had finished making them, but we were still waiting on three guests! James, Victor, and Jaime had yet to show up. Honestly, with it only being 9:30, that was not bad at all.
Advantage yelled out that half the pizza's were ready. Uzi and Stevie G called it half time, and went to the kitchen to rest up in old-school half-time fashion - beer and pizza. InstantRockstar took a piece of pizza over to the couch and shoved it down flyersfan's throat (no but seriously, how is he not dead yet?). Coach, Draper and Fresco grabbed 2 pizza boxes and brought it into the dining room, where they were apprehended by Noah and Da Trifecta. Jardy gobbled down half a pizza in 4 bites, to which my mother commented in her delightfully British accent "That man has a mouth wider than a choir-boy's arsehole"
Since the pizza was devoured in roughly 3 minutes, Advantage took the liberty of shoving the other four in the oven to warm up. diamond_ace, Metis, Doomsday, Jericho, and Tfong challenged the volleyball girls to a game of condom balloon volleyball while the second half of the mini football game began, being cheered on by the U of T sorority girls and Eaglesfan and whenever a goal happened, Eaglesfan took the opportunity to hug one of them with some Tfong smooth-move cupping actions, resulting usually in a slap across the face.
The doorbell rang again and Green answered it. [stronger by Kanye] The final VHL commissioner, Victor, a.k.a. the Victator, stood with an air of love and arrogance in the door frame. He always carried a sense of self-satisfaction and caring, but he seemed... a little more loveable that usual. Green casually thanked him for deciding to show up and told him to wipe his feet before entering.
"My God, Green can I hire you as my butler?"
"Way to be late Victor," said Higgins. "Even Jardy managed to get here before you. Please don't tell me you're slipping after being on the ball all these years.."
"What!? You should all be honoured by my lateness - that I would even show up to this fake shit - so go ahead, go nuts, go apeshit...."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRGHHH!!" There was a massive slamming noise as Jaime had run in through the front door and up behind Victor and smashed him over the head with what looked to be a big wooden case of CDs. Victor turned around as if nothing had happened and very nonchalantly said: "That time of the month again Jaime? Why do you always try and concuss me on your period?"
"It hadn't occurred to me, but then you were talking Kanye and someone had to stop you..."
"Granted, my words (or his) may have been a little uncalled for but... dude... what the hell... that kind of hurt!"
RED noticed that all the Czech hookers seemed to be missing. This caused me some concern because, at the expense of calling me stereotypical or racist, I didn't want them stealing my stuff like the gypsies they probably were. We first went into the kitchen to see if Tfong was still there and not getting reverse gang-banged in the back of a truck by them. There he was, doing body shots off one of the U of T girls while Jardy was at the kitchen sink making... wait..
" Are you making moonshine in my sink?!" I exclaimed. "Jesus! Think man, think! That's illegal ass-hat. You know what, try as you may, you'll never be the man your mother is."
"Yea well this is going to be delicious and your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory."
"True story." My mother chimed in.
"Mother!"
At that point in time, RED beckoned me down the hallway to the bathroom, where the he had found the hookers, masturbating to Jericho's porno magazine and shooting Heroin....
Not at all surprised, I watched them for a minute or two, deciding whether to say something or not. In the end, I did what any party host should probably never do: Pretending they weren't there, I shut the door and headed back to the party.
Jaime, having brought the beats (quite literally, as she had smashed Victor over the head with the music) was trying to play her music on my stereo but unfortunately, was being pushed aside from Doomsday who threw on a tune that every could enjoy. [Real American] Even Jaime, upset at first, was quite happy with the selection, however stood obscenely close to the stereo to ensure she would have next dibs on the music. Ah, my beloved DJ.
"Gather round everyone, the game's starting!" I whipped around to the sound of Advantage's voice who had seemingly brought my TV from upstairs and hooked it up to the living room.
"Advantage, I don't even get that channel, what did you do?"
"Clearly, I climbed up the utility pole outside, running this cable up it to access the channel. It was easy."
"Goddammit Advantage, that's defrauding a public utility! You can't do that!"
"Uh, clearly I can, and just did. Now sit your ass down and enjoy the game."
Sighing went to the door to answer the knock of what I could only assume was James - the last guest of the evening. As I threw open the door it revealed not only the great James but with him... another celebrity (and a crush of ours for many years.) [Aeroplanes Part II] Brushing back her silky red hair and smiling at me with the whitest teeth, cutest cheeks, and most adorable dimple, Hayley Williams stepped forwards and shook my hand. I was flabbergasted. At this point in time, nothing else mattered - the broken windows, the moonshine, the heroin hookers, the credit card charges, the stolen cable, the dead flyersfan - nothing mattered. Hayley was here. I hugged James tightly, thanking him profusely for coming.
Finally, everyone had arrived. I took a step back and observed the party. I couldn't believe the effort some of the guests had gone through to make this a special event. Bringing celebrities, their personalities, booze, and hot women. A tear welled up in my eye. This was one of those rare sentimental moments where you are thankful just to be a part of something special.
Pxzero and Cuffy were trying to gather everyone around to start the beer pong tournament when Frank swaggers in through the front door.
"H..ey..ey.ey guys, what's cracking? I see this party's rocking. Holy shit is that that Paramore chick? Awesome! And Knight! When did you get resurrected?! Am I the last person here? Jericho... go get me a beer."
The music stopped. The conservations were cut off. Everyone turned to look.
"Frank..." a baffled Eaglesfan said. "How'd you get outside? And where's your trenchcoat? We thought you were in the basement!"
"What? No, I just came now. I had to give my dog a sponge bath. Jeez what the hell made you think I was already here?"
"Then... who... who was that guy who came in looking exactly like a Frank and went downstairs all creepily just like a Frank would do then?" asked Noah. [xfiles Theme]
Suddenly, Flyersfan sat bolt upright, making nearly everyone jump out of their skins. He slowly turned his head towards the party. His pupils had seemed to be reduced to tiny dots so all you could see was mainly the whites of his eyes. He whispered in a hoarse voice: "Something evil dwells beneath the surface."
Flyersfans suddenly went limp again. Guests exchanged nervous looks. The wind was whistling through a couple of open windows, blowing the blood-red curtains around. A faint thudding could be heard from the basement. Images of a Demon dragging around a sack of human heads or digging holes to bury people alive swam around not just in my head, but most of the guests. Jaime and Da Trifecta timidly peered down the black stairwell.
"Smells like death down there," Jaime mused. "I don't know what Noah's talking about but I don't like the atmosphere."
"Fuck Demons," yelled Kendrick."Let them join the party if they want, but they won't bring us down!" [Party Hard]
The drinking, condom-balloon-volleyball, mini footy, snorting, drinking , foosball, beer pong, and drinking all recommenced. I was amazed. I couldn't figure out how all these guys could just let something that messed up go like that. Then, even I, completely forgot about it.
A hooker came flying across the room and slapped Uzi hard across the face. The slap sounded like an atomic bomb. It sent electromagnetic impulses to my brain. I felt his pain. The hooker was yelling incomprehensibly at him in Czech. She picked up Uzi's beer from the small table and put her thumb over the top, shook it several times, and releasing her thumb, sprayed the beer in Uzi's face. "What in God's name woman.." he said, wiping the beer out of his stinging eyes. As he opened them, he had just enough time to see the empty beer bottle fly towards his face. He, as it would occur to any man with a lick of sense, ducked. The bottle smashed against the wall, showering the carpet and couch with glass. She picked up that weirdly squishy ball they were using and put it inside her bra and marched away.
"Go pull a cow's cunt over your head and get a bull to fuck some sense into ya!" Uzi yelled at her.
Jardy, Métis, Draper, Cuffy, and Green were in hysterics. CoachReilly, almost crying with laughter, asked Knight "Did you see what that was?"
Knight was just calmly sipping his beer and replied "I believe it was her silicon boob implant."
From the bathroom someone let out a high-pitched scream. Another hooker came running over yelling and waving her arms. In her panic, she wasn't enunciating particularly well but Victor understood and screamed: "Call 911 - one of them OD'ed!!"
Doomsday immediately ran to the phone, picked it up, and threw it out the closed window, shattering yet another of my poor viewing boxes.
"NOBODY, call, ANYONE!" he yelled. "We do not want the police showing up here. It will be way more trouble than anything else. Besides, heroin, moonshine.. and hello these hookers are from the Czech Republic, no one would help them anyway."
Advantage slowly lowered my cell phone down from his ear (what the fuck was he doing with it in the first place?). Jaime and Higgins went with me to see if this hooker was indeed dead or just passed out. As I was monitoring her for a heartbeat, Higgins said "Yea, she's definitely dead, I can smell burnt toast"
"Yea me too," Jaime chimed in.
"Guys," I replied. "She's not dead, I can feel her heart beating. But I do also smell burnt toast..."
Unexpectedly, Frescoelmo bellowed from the kitchen: "OH SHIT! THE PIZZAS!!!!"
Pandemonium ensued. Screams broke out like zits on a teenager. Black smoke poured down the hallway as I ran, covering my eyes and mouth into the kitchen. My oven was on fire. The flames were licking high off the burnt pizzas and spreading to my wooden cupboards. Da Trifecta was helping Jardy pour his moonshine from the sink into any type of container he could get his hands on. Jericho had grabbed my fire extinguisher off the wall and threw it at the fire. The extinguished exploded with a loud bang, shattering all the windows in the kitchen and exacerbating the fire. James and Victor grabbed one leg each of Flyersfan and dragged him off the couch, out the door and down the front step to the front lawn, his head banging down every step of the way. Knight led our mother outside, Stevie G said he got a call from Liverpool and had to go for an emergency training session. Cuffy was running around the living room screaming. The Hookers were being led out of the out by InstantRockstar and Tfong, who was carrying the limp one.
Suddenly UZI came bursting into the kitchen with his 12-pack of fosters and toss one to Jericho, myself, and Draper. "Lock and Load, boys," he yelled shaking the giant can.
We sprayed the Fosters at the fire. It hissed as vast amounts of white steam began to shoot out of the flames. The flames seemed to flicker and dodge the beer, resistance to the idea of being put out but the onslaught was relentless. 12 beers later, we stood, black from soot, dripping with sweat and beer, looking at my destroyed kitchen.
Jardy had a tub of moonshine in his hands, still by the kitchen sink. The walls and ceiling were charred. There was glass everywhere. I looked around at everyone and asked if anyone was hurt. Miraculously, no one was.
I was in a state of shock. How could Advantage not keep track of the pizzas. And how the fuck could they catch fire like that. A cold wind shot up the stairs from the basement and I swear I heard a faint manic laughter come from the inky depths. One of the sorority girls came up to me and tried to console me, rubbing my back.
"Look, unless you're planning on rubbing my cock, I'm pretty sure I won't feel any better."
Flyersfan walked into through the door. "Hey what'd I miss?"
"Flyers! You're okay! Unbelievably! When did you come to?"
"What? What do you mean?" he asked, clearly puzzled. From behind him, Victor and James were silently waving their arms frantically and making 'zip-it' gestures with their hands.
"Oh never mind." I said and decided I should probably start cleaning up the kitchen. A knock came from the door. Opening it, revealed a police officer standing with his arms on his hips and looking quite surly.
"Excuse me sir, but is this your house?" To which I replied yes.
Peering inside (for unfortunately I couldn't entirely block his view).
"Having a party?" he asked, starting to jot down notes in a little black book.
"Oh, you know, just a little get-together with some close friends, nothing major..."
"Is that your cable running up to that utility pole there?"
"Uh.."
"Something burning?"
"Just some toast..."
"Why are all your windows shattered? We've gotten some noise complaints, you know."
At that point Tfong shoved his way through us and out the door carrying the hooker.
"Oh, good evening officer! Just passing through!"
The police officer gawked at him and as he spun his head back to me, Jardy appeared with the big tub of moonshine.
"Phil, do you have anything bigger with lids that I can store this moonshine with?"
The officer dipped his finger in it and tasted it. He dipped it in a second time.
"Oh gross, no double-dipping allowed! Hey... you're a cop!"
"Yes, and you, sir, are in a heap of trouble now."
"Oh, I don't know, once I find a catchy name and a distributor for the stuff I think I'll be set."
I hung my head. Things were going to continue to get ugly..er.
I tuned out the next few exchanges of words. I was primarily thinking if, since it was a league event, the commissioners would be able to get me out of jail time... and if not then I would have to talk to the hooker's on how to train my asshole to expand at will. The next thing I knew, Jardy was yelling at the officer. Pandemonium ensued anew.
"Let me explain this to you in a metaphor you will understand. I am sure there are guys who have fingered you in the ass long enough that eventually, you let them fuck it. And now you think you've got me bent over with your Finger in my ass, thinking ima let you do the same. I am not like you. YOU WILL NOT FUCK ME IN THE ASS"
And with that, Jardy shoved the tub of moonshine into my hands, dashed across the street to where his tractor was parked and puttered off into the distance.
The officer was stunned. No... literally stunned. Jaime had taken the taser out of his belt and shoved it in his crotch. The officer crumpled to the floor in a heap. Doomsday and RED dragged his limp body into the house and threw him down the stairs. As the last crash of the police officer's body hit the bottom of the dark stairs, a half frightened, half joyous yell came from the living-room. The beer-pong table was underneath fire. By that I mean, the beer-pong cups were shooting up blue and green flames. Pxzero stood there rubbing his hands together, cackling madly. He had filled up the cups with 151 and held a lighter over them to ignite it. Kendrick was trying to throw the ping-pong ball in one of the fiery cups. the flame just engulfed the little ball and melted it all over the table. Higgins tried the same, but ended up knocking the cup over. The flames spilt over to the ping pong table and started to set it alight.
In a panic, still with Jardy's fucking tub of moonshine in my hands, I turned and ran into a wall, spilling the moonshine all over me and smacking my head hard on the floor. Of course I was headed for the kitchen sink to get something to put out this other fire. Dazed I got up, with the assistance of Victor and Frank, and stumbled around mumbling ' must... get... water'. Before I could stop myself I fell into the beer pong table, setting myself on fire.
Luckily, my pain receptors were working better than my feet and alerted my brain to haul ass to the bath to be put out. The last thing I remember I was lying in a tub of water fully clothed and a hooker was injecting me with heroin for the pain. Everything felt fantastic....euphoric... orgasmic. I fell into a blissful trance straddling the edge of my bath.
[Fancy] When I came to, I was being shaken awake by Eaglesfan. "Sick party, Phil! See you in another 10,000 posts!"
I shook my head and grabbed a towel from the rack, draping it around me. The music was still going but people were filing out. I dripped into the living to see the beer pong table slightly charred but still standing. I had no idea how long I was out for. Diamond_ace and Beketov were wearing a crown which indicated that he had won the beer pong tournament. People were lining up to shake my hands and congratulate me on the party saying that it was arguably the best they've ever been to.
The farewells lasted about an hour. A group of people stayed overnight and just fell on something or someone to sleep. Before turning in, I looked out the broken windows to see the crack of dawn just beginning to appear on the horizon. I drank in my surroundings: the ruined carpet, the illegal cable, the overcooked ping-pong table, the used needles in my bathroom, my destroy kitchen, the body of a cop at the foot of my stairs (going to have to deal with that one in the morning), the piles of exhausted yet satisfied guests everywhere, and the credit card that Advantage left me on the counter-top, gleaming in all its glory. It hadn't been a perfect night, or anything close resembling one, but looking at my annihilated house I slumped down on the couch and with a happy sigh thought to myself, 'today was the greatest... [fade in Today]before falling asleep.
*After Outro song ends*
Late the next morning, Noah was helping me repair some parts of the house. We decided to deal with the inevitable task of the cop. He was not at the bottom of the stairs, nor anywhere else for that matter. We searched in vain for him. As I was looking in the closet, Noah in an alarmed tone yelled "Phil, get over here now."
He was standing in the laundry room, looking down on the cold cement floor. There, was the beige trench coat that 'Frank' had been wearing the first time he had entered the party. There looked to be some blood under it. Noah lifted up coat which dripped with blood. He looked in the pocket of the trench coat and pulled out a police officer's badge and a small piece of paper. I unfolded it. The writing was scrawl in messy printing with what looked like charcoal, or even ash. We exchanged horrified looks. It read: His body is eternally mine now.
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