Ranking every VHL team based on if I can beat the mascot in a fight

[rory 1,796]

Las Vegas Aces: Rip the playing card, not hard at all.

 

Malmo Nighthawks: Dumb fuckin bird won’t even be able to attack me one punch to it’s dumb fuckin bird nose and it’s down for the count. Get the barbeque ready for some nice roasted nighthawk breasts and wings. Yum!

 

Prague Phantoms/Philadelphia Reapers: @Josh, @JeffD, and @Jeffie43 can all attest to my absolute stellar ghost hunting skills. I have mastered the art of staying in the van while they did all the work and because this is a ghost hunt I’m allowed to call in my employees while I monitor the action on their gopros. Easiest fight in the world.

 

London United: The mascot for this dumpster team looks like it’s literally just London Bridge. Famously, London Bridge is falling down (falling down, falling down, my fair lady). If I simply bide my time eventually London Bridge will fall down and I will win the fight. Get owned.

 

Koln Express: Fighting a train is very easy. Simply walk 2 feet to the left off of the tracks and tf is it gonna do? Trolly problem it’s ass over to me? Shut the fuck up goofy I could derail the tracks if you give me a couple days

 

Halifax 21st: Another easy fight. What the fuck is it gonna do? Grow legs? Dumb boat gonna die of rust in like 30 years so I win simply by biding my time. Halifax Explosion (good name for a rebrand, think about it commies) 2.0 would definitely expedite my win (because I’d rather fight myself then ever go to Halifax ever so the explosion wouldn’t affect me)

 

San Diego Marlins: Dumb fuckin fish tf it gonna do? Bite my toes? Give me a fishing rod and like 3 weeks of time I’d catch this idiot eventually.

 

Davos Dynamo: This is pretty easy because people like to say that reaching the top of a mountain counts as defeating it. I think if you gave me a year or so dedicated to climbing mountains I could very easily conquer Davos.

New York Americans: Shit logo with no mascot, however, we can all assume the mascot is the average American. Based on these odds, I could very easily win. This would be a different story if I was fighting a Hamilton Canuck, because the average Canadian would be closer to a 50/50, but my pure agility would give me a competitive edge against an American. We are assuming this American does not own a gun because then they win.

 

Toronto Legion: Another dumb fucking bird. This bird looks even weaker than the nighthawk so we’ll be adding them to the barbeque so we can feed the New York American before I fight them (fattening it up).

Missisagua Hounds: What the dog doin? I one punch the dog and then get cancelled on twitter for animal abuse. Whoops.

 

Vasteras Iron Eagles: This is the bird that probably has the best chances of beating me because there's a giant mystery factor of what makes it iron instead of a normal eagle. If the entire thing is iron and it’s still able to fly then this mother fucker has gotta be super strong and could wing flap me to death. So easy to beat the shit out of birds normally though.

 

Houston Bulls: This a cow. The barbeque is getting a little full at this point, however we will throw on some steaks after we defeat them (very easily).

Moscow Menace: Angry santa looks like he’s already on death’s door. I could yank his ugly ass beard right off his face and stuff it down his throat. Take the crown for the rest of my fights so easy.

 

Vancouver Wolves: Honestly bro wolves kinda seem like they rely on pack hunting to fight. One on one, I think my chances are a lot better than what people would think. Couple pokes in the eyes and the tide will turn and I could choke it out on the ground.

 

Geneva Rush: Shit team that should still be in Yukon because theirs never been a fuckin gold rush in the south of Switzerland. Is the mascot a swiss banker? I could beat the absolute shit out of those scumbags.

Miami Marauders: I think I have the agility to outrun and waste the energy of a dumb fucking pirate. This scurvy havin ass better hope he catches me before the syphilis gets him looool

 

Bratislava Watchmen: Famous Slovakian lighthouse keepers, they are probably an old person that retired from the navy or some shit. The Slovakian navy is famous for not having a coastline and probably not existing. I could beat up some stolen valour looking ass old person.

Calgary Wranglers: Fighting the Wranglers really depends on which version of the Calgary logo I am fighting. If I’m able to take on the derp horse, I would very easily take it down in a duel. The current logo, steroid horse, becomes a different story. Being a famously tamed animal, there's a decent chance I could fight it but one good kick and I’m knocked out.

Helsinki Titans: Most people will probably doubt me when I say this but if the mascot has the same tendencies as their team they will underperform and I will be able to take them down due to my insane wits. That big helmet will weigh them down and allow me to win the fight.

 

Mexico City Kings: The draugr is a very common enemy in the dungeons of Skyrim. I have mastered the art of defeating them by stealthing with a bow and arrow before they wake up. I’m kinda worried if it has cold magic because I am not a nord so I don’t have resistance to cold. 

Rome Gladiators: Now THIS is a prize fighter that would give me a challenge! They’d put me in a net and then stab me with a trident that’d be so cool and I’m dead so fast.
 

Stockholm Vikings: A very large Swedish viking would kick the shit out of me probably while completely nude. It’d at least be a very enjoyable experience for me getting my ass kicked by a probably very attractive person.

 

Istanbul Grey Wolves: Yeah I think a Turkish Neo-Nazi could easily take me down. They’ve been studying the blade while I’ve been derailing trains and barbequing nighthawks.

 

Ottawa Lynx: Probably the weakest of the big cats, a lynx would still have an excellent chance at killing the absolute shit at me. Have you guys ever heard what a Lynx sounds like? They fucking scream like absolute banshees. This scream would bait me into thinking I was in a ghost hunt and then I’d be unprepared and it’d kill me while I hold my EMF detector.

 

Saskatoon Wild: Another big cat, however I think the mystery factor once again is a major player in my calculations. Is it a bobcat? Is it ALSO a lynx? A cougar perhaps? Who the fuck knows. That’s why it edges out the Ottawa Lynx.

 

Seattle Bears: This is a mother fucking bear. It looks like a grizzly and grizzlies are famous for being fucking crazy territorial. I am terrified and this bear would kill the shit out of me and not even care 

 

Warsaw Predators: Beating up an old ass catholic priest would be easy Nobody knows what the fuck this dumb fucking animal is but I think the original idea was a wild boar. This pig motherfucker would absolutely destroy me in a heartbeat and then eat my entire body, bones and teeth included. They would never find my body.

 

Riga Reign: This is a mother fucking lion. Thankfully the male lions do not participate in hunts but this dude would just casually knock me and then eat me. I have a slight chance if it’s a LAZY lion that’s lived their entire life in captivity.

Oslo Storm: Isn’t their logo literally Thor? I can beat up the Chris Hemsworth version but the Thor from the myths wouldn’t even look at me. Simple smite and I’m absolutely toasted. At least I’ll die a warrior and he’ll have to drink with me forever in Valhalla. Spending the rest of eternity with me, I think I’d eventually break him mentally. So he would win the fight, but I’d win the war.

 

Chicago Phoenix: This is a mythical bird that is famous for being fucking on fire. This mother fucker would kill me with a big ol’ hug, but I suspect it’d pick me up and drop me like how birds of prey hunt mammals. 
 

D.C. Dragons: Yeah no shot. Another mythical beast, this big ol dude is a fire breathing monster that would roast me in a second before I even get the chance to turn and run.

Los Angeles Stars: LOL yeah I can both not fight in space, and I don’t even have easy access to supermega nuclear bombs, which stars have go off on their surface like 1000 times a second. Not fair, I lose.

 

Thank you for watching my audio podcast.
 

[Bojovnik 487]

The bridge in the London logo is actually Tower Bridge, not London Bridge, so I give this media spot a 2/10 based on the glaring inaccuracy, as Tower Bridge has not and will not fall down.

Edited July 29, 2022 by Bojovnik

[rory 1,796]

Just now, Bojovnik said:

The bridge in the London logo is actually Tower Bridge, not London Bridge, so I give this media spot a 2/10 based on the glaring inaccuracy, as Tower Bridge has not and will not fall down.

how much bridges do one city need this is fake news

[Bojovnik 487]

1 minute ago, rory said:

how much bridges do one city need this is fake news

 

London has a grand total of 35 bridges, because it is the most advanced and beautiful city on God's green earth. 

[rory 1,796]

Just now, Bojovnik said:

 

London has a grand total of 35 bridges, because it is the most advanced and beautiful city on God's green earth. 

it's no edmonton

[diacope 1,629]

Don't worry rory our cats are tamed and very friend over here 

 

Nothing we can do about the screech though 

 

[Bojovnik 487]

12 minutes ago, rory said:

it's no edmonton

 

There's an Edmonton in London, so that means that clearly Edmonton is inferior

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edmonton,_London

[fishy 1,757]

16 hours ago, rory said:

is it gonna do? Trolly problem it’s ass over to me?

i don't know if you will ever be able to top this joke, this might be your peak 

[fishy 1,757]

16 hours ago, rory said:

Dumb fuckin fish tf it gonna do?

ok whoa 

[a_Ferk 762]

17 hours ago, Bojovnik said:

The bridge in the London logo is actually Tower Bridge, not London Bridge, so I give this media spot a 2/10 based on the glaring inaccuracy, as Tower Bridge has not and will not fall down.

I reckon that will change soon

[fromtheinside 1,289]

now this is content

[rory 1,796]

week 2 so true

[v.2 1,306]

LA Star gonna melt u.  Fun article Rory I liked the part where you called London a dumpster team.  You nailed most of these tbh, I would have liked to see more members tagged though to trigger the weak on a nonsense article.  The use of your imagination for TPE gain in a fantasy piece such as this is pretty smart!! Next time you should do which mascots you would go out to dinner with, part 2 perhaps?  Fuck marry kill even??  Overall 9.5/10

[rory 1,796]

On 7/29/2022 at 12:13 AM, rory said:

Istanbul Grey Wolves: Yeah I think a Turkish Neo-Nazi could easily take me down. They’ve been studying the blade while I’ve been derailing trains and barbequing nighthawks.

so true, week 3

[JardyB10 4,839]

idk, the marlin pwnd The Old Man from the Hemingway book, and his hands were made purely of callus. I imagine your baby hands would get shredded and become gangrenous or some shit.

 

Also, spoiler alert for Old Man and the Sea.

Edited August 11, 2022 by JardyB10

[Daniel Janser 2,035]

On 7/29/2022 at 8:40 AM, rory said:

it's no edmonton

and this is exactly why it is the most advanced and beautiful city on God's green earth.  

[Daniel Janser 2,035]

19 minutes ago, JardyB10 said:

idk, the marlin pwnd The Old Man from the Hemingway book, and his hands were made purely of callus. I imagine your baby hands would get shredded and become gangrenous or some shit.

 

Also, spoiler alert for Old Man and the Sea.

I think after 71 years of its release we are safely out of spoiler territory

[rory 1,796]

53 minutes ago, JardyB10 said:

idk, the marlin pwnd The Old Man from the Hemingway book, and his hands were made purely of callus. I imagine your baby hands would get shredded and become gangrenous or some shit.

 

Also, spoiler alert for Old Man and the Sea.

only a dork like u would be afraid of a fish lol

 

37 minutes ago, Daniel Janser said:

and this is exactly why it is the most advanced and beautiful city on God's green earth.  

yes, edmonton is the most advanced and beautiful city on God's green earth.

[Dil 1,751]

hello, this media spot made me laugh. it is quite humorous

[Agito 212]

What can we say about Rory's team.