Henrik Zoiderberg - Why not Zoiderberg? [2/2]

[HenrikZoiderberg 469]

The Chitonous Cretin from Southern Sweden emerges!

 

Early Life

 

Henrik was found in a  fishmonger's basket when receiving the day's catch from the local fishermen at the edge of the Baltic Sea sometime in early 2001. The boy smelled of brine and salt and had a distinct facial deformity that left his cries sounding more like warbles against the swelling waves. The fishmonger knew this child would've had to be born strong to survive the tides that he'd been born amongst, and cared for him as his own son, naming the boy after his favorite athlete.

 

Henrik was raised to work, growing up among the water-soaked ropes and barnacled planks of the wharf, even as a child of five he would walk up and down the Quay selling shellfish he'd collected - oysters, clams, and cockles.  The boy soon became well-known among the community for his work ethic, his strength bolstered by carrying shellfish, and his charitable nature. The money he raised would often go towards feeding the town's pet transient octopus, Philippo. At night, young Henrik would watch hockey with old man Zoiderberg, admiring the slick hands of the players, with no wish other than to live in the home he loved with Philippo resting in the open windowsill, his tentacles drooped gracefully over the ledge in the flickering light of the CRT. 

 

When he was eight years old, the cove of the Baltic which supported his town froze over. Henrik was terrified - what would happen to the town's fish supply? How would he and his friends survive the long cold Swedish winter? But a passing handsome traveller patted him on the head and told him to Leaf his worries, handing the young boy a pair of skates. They were old, rusty, strapped on affairs, but they were enough. With great strides, the man strode deep onto the frozen inlet, carrying with him a rod and net. Henrik strapped on his skates and followed, and found that despite the substandard equipment, he glided as gracefully  as a goose through milk (Swedish Idiom). He soon caught up the man, who taught him to augur the ice, to lure fish with a wink and a smile, and to haul them back to the village. As the SunDined that night, Henrik returned to town with a net full of fish and a new love for gliding across the ice.

 

Hockey Beginnings

 

After that choice encounter, Henrik was awarded the key to the city for saving everyone from starvation. The only reward he asked was to be enrolled in hockey lessons at the local Derek Sanderson School For Kids Who Can't Hockey Good And Want To Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too. With a letter of approval from the mayor, he was easily accepted, and Henrik and Philippo caught a bus to the city of Tonfisk to begin training. It was grueling work, and without a scholarship Henrik was forced to spend his hours away from school weaving fish baskets to sell to local hipsters. Luckily, a local basket enthusiast saw Henrik's talent and took him in to her home, where he was fed and sheltered as if he were her own son. 

 

At Hockey School, Henrik was recognized as a premeiere playmaker, but even more as a force of good off of the ice. He was often called into opposing team's locker rooms to calm down a situation when anger arose, and more than once volunteered to run the concession stand while the more senior players held their games. While unable to stand up for himself in a fight, his wheelhouse was difusing situations before they occured. Even the most flared of tempers on the ice were able to be cooled under his collected leadership.

 

And those hands, they weren't just for basket weaving. In hockey as in life, Henrik made a name for himself weaving between opposing defenders, often leading to broken ankles and broken hearts. The young winger earned an Alternate Captaincy within his first year at the academy, and was made Captain in his senior, graduating, year. While an injured goalie, an unfortunate concussed defenseman, and bribed wingers couldn't stop the Tonfisk Salmon from making the finals, their seven-game series ended in triple overtime in defeat. In an interview after the game, Henrik blamed himself for the defeat, and went to bed cuddling Philippo with tears in his eyes. The next day, while on the phone with Old Man Zoiderberg, his adopted father died of a heart attack, his last words, "I am so proud of you...my son. Go...win a cup...in the major leagues. I believe you...can do it...if you just believe in yourself. Philippo believes in you too. I love you my boy...toodleoo".

 

The next day, at graduation,  it rained. Henrik Zoiderberg the boy was dead. Henrik Zoiderberg the man was born amongst the ice and the snows.

 

Post Graduation

 

At seventeen, Henrik was determined to improve his game. In the hours where he wasn't teaching basket-weaving to disadvantaged single mothers from low-income food banks, he spent his time in the gym, focusing on grip strength, leg strength, and emotional strength. He worked out Arms of the Angels between six and eight hours per day, and did more squats than a backup dancer trying to make it big. He never skipped leg day. He ate clean, he thought clean, and he Kevin Dineen.

 

The night before the draft he lay in bed, holding Philippo tight as they warbled to one another, his small room lit by a single, low-quality candle. All of Henrik's life had lead up this point, and it was finally time. He knew that he was ready for it. The boy was strong, he was lean, he tasted good with butter and garlic. He knew he was a contender to place high in the rankings and make his family and friends back home proud. He placed his octopus upon his head and he warbled to himself a single, all-important question,

 

"Why not Zoiderberg?"

 

1000 words

[Nykonax 1,550]

jesus youve already pumped out a bio. Wow, pls sign with me

 

nice work

Edited April 30, 2019 by Nykonax

[K1NG LINUS 145]

A true work of art, and the best profile pic on this site.

[Matmenzinger 167]

This is the greatest bio I have ever read... My god.

[HenrikZoiderberg 469]

Thanks @Nykonax @K1NG LINUS

 

I feel this may be on the fringe of the rule 

Quote

Try not to bog it down with an outrageous plot

 

but I'm pretty happy with how it turned out.

[oilmandan 686]

Man you work fast. Great read 

[Banackock 7,682]

34 minutes ago, oilmandan said:

Man you work fast. Great read 

I like him. I’m excited for next Draft now. 

[Greg_Di 942]

Review: Great biography! I was laughing throughout reading it all, one of the more creative ones I have read so far! Don't think I have ever known anyone from an opposing team to enter the locker room for a speech Great length, great progression from childhood into where Zoiderberg is now. The only thing that would make this bio even that much greater is if you would have added some pictures. All in all great work and keep it up!

[Saelven88 58]

Yes, all the yes!  Keep writing so we can continue to read.

[fonziGG 1,065]

Review:

Okay your sense of humour is beyond anything I've seen. This is one of the funniest biographies I've ever read, period. This bio needed some more picture of Zoidberg, thats it. It needed no further changes. PS, you spelled premiere wrong here

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"At Hockey School, Henrik was recognized as a premeiere playmaker,"

 

 

I'm literally grasping at straws though. Great job.