Why I Think Moscow is OP and Why You Should Too

[Speed 126]

Have you ever done anything in life, anything where you considered yourself pretty good at it? Like to the point where you start feeling real confident about your abilities? No? Okay, just pretend you have. Pretend that you are a gazelle. Your the best damn gazelle around, you outrun the slowest gazelle every day and never get caught by the predator! In fact, you outrun not just the slowest gazelle, but all of them. They consider you the Usain Bolt of gazelles, and you use your intelligence and maneuverability to buy yourself another day on the planet. The predator of the gazelle--the lion usually aims to catch the slowest gazelle in order to find it's meal. Now imagine the lion stalks around per usual, and the chase begins--but this time, that motherfucker is fast. This lion might as well have augmented limbs because he is so goddamn fast that he only wants the fastest gazelle to satisfy is undying hunger. He catches the fastest gazelle with no stress and peaces out to dine on his meal leaving all the gazelles to wonder what the hell just happened to their Usain Bolt. As you, the fastest gazelle, are being feasted on alive by the family of the lion you think to yourself; This motherfucker is O.P. That Lion is the Moscow Menace. Yeah, thats right. Moscow Menace isn't even a gazelle, they are the fucking lion. They are laughing in their dressing room as they rip to shreds the competition like a simple VHL gazelle. Forget beating the rest of the gazelles to live another day-- How in the hell do we stop this monstrosity that the VHL has created?

 

SUPER IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS OF OVERPOWEREDNESS

 

As a hockey fan and a VHL newbie, I am very sad to bring you the top 50 players in order of points minus every player from a team other than Moscow. Hint: The list is not as short as you may think.

 

Jet Jaguar @gorlab

97 points in 72 games you say? You must be referencing a demigod by the name of Connor McDavid or Leon Draisaitl from an ancient time where hockey players actually played the game on ice with sticks and skates! Nope, were really talking about Jet Jaguar and the absolute beast of a player he is.

Conclusion: OP

 

Randoms @hedgehog337

Ok, obviously there will be a player well beyond the point-per-game stat line, but probably no more right? Wrong. Randoms is just a random dude that GM @Victor found on the streets of Russia sipping vodka out of a damp sock, but turned out to be the best damn goalscorer since...since himself. There is nobody quite like dampen sock sipping Randoms.

Conclusion: Drunk and OP

 

Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen @flyersfan1453

You already probably know that this man racks up points, not only in the VHL but in Jager credits. "What are Jager credits?" you may ask-- Jager credits are a made up currency that Smitty takes for his endorsement deals with Jagermeister, the alcoholic beverage. He believes that these will purchase him beverages from the company but he couldn't be more wrong. Good move, Jagermeister.

Conclusion: Not Drunk but OP

 

Mat Tocco @Matmenzinger

What is there to know about this little guy? Other than him being a scoring machine, he also starred in the movie Indiana Jones. He played the character, "short round" as he was the only person available that was short enough to play the role. Rocking a 5'9" 170 pound frame, good luck hitting this guy as he slips through between your legs and scores top shelf while screaming "MISTAH JONES MISTAH JONES!"

Conclusion: Short but OP

 

Dan Baillie @wcats

We are seeing a recurring theme here--No, not that I'm a biased and sore loser roasting the team that beat me in the playoffs, that Moscow is full of players that can score points like crazy. Dan Baillie is 9th on the list of 50 players, and we are already at 5 Menace players being mentioned. The winger scored 77 points and put up a 32 goal season, which is never to be taken lightly.

Conclusion: OP

 

Gritty @eaglesfan036

Hey- who are you and how did you get in her-- Hi guys this is the same guy that wrote all the rest of this stuff, and I'm here to say that Gritty is the best player in the entire league, he is underrated, he is handsome, and he doesn't take yes for an answer! Gritty ain't afraid to get down and dirty when it comes to scoring goals and dishing out apples, but when it comes to the Moscow Menace, I'm- I mean He, is the most complete player!

Conclusion: Gritty

 

Vladimir Pavlov @Victor

Another Russian in his home country, what else could go right for the Menace? Seriously, the VHL need to put limits on how many Russians are allowed to abuse vodka during games. Moscow's bench looks like the curb outside of the bar full of drunks chatting it up about nothing altogether, but at the same time they get on the ice and turn into straight savages searching for the last bottle of vodka left on post-apocalyptic earth. Besides that, Pavlov is a great defenseman that deserves the recognition that he has gotten, though he forgets everything the next day so whats the point.

Conclusion: Drunk and OP

 

Dean Clarke @Kyle

You thought we were done? You can't forget the Dean. The Dean is the most normal resembling figure on the Moscow team. Although he is in the top 50 players in points, He reminds me that you don't have to be in a vodka-fueled rage coma to do well in the VHL. Putting up good numbers for a well rounded defenseman, He is showing promise for an even brighter future in Moscow, if that is even possible with all the drunk Russians raging across the league. Anyway, thank you Dean Clarke for keeping away from the vodka and helping build a better and safer VHL.

Conclusion: All Natural

 

Raymond Bernard @Mr_Hatter

You are joking right? They also have a goalie that can put up 45 wins in a season with a 2.51 GAA? Is he on the drink too? No, he's not. Well maybe, theres no way to be sure, but no matter that, he's a goalie that can steal games on any day. Signed to be with Moscow for another 3 seasons and looking good at that. All we can do is pray that this man doesn't find where Randoms keeps his dampen socks.

Conclusion: OP

 

Now I ask all of you, please consider signing my petition to remove the abuse of vodka in the EU conference, obviously were staring right at you Moscow. This team is not only good, but tolerant. They will feast on the substance until their insatiable hunger for vodka can no longer be met, then they move on to something else-- something worse, US. If they aren't already feasting on us, they will be soon when they run out of vodka. We can only hope that people like Dean Clarke will see the condition of his teammates before they turn into VHL player eating zombies that play great hockey.

FINAL CONCLUSION: MOSCOW IS OP!!!

 

I have implemented a security device that will force these players to leave you alone for a short while. Please use the following image to create a distraction if you are to run into one of the previously listed players.

Instructions: Use with caution. Pull photo up on phone and show to raging drunk. Proceed to throw phone as far as you can once individual makes a loud screeching noise. DO NOT CONSUME BECAUSE THIS IS A PHOTO!

 

Disclaimer: This is meant to be funny, and was not meant to hurt the feelings of others. If you have been found with injured feelings, please contact @Beketov.

 

1,310 words for PT weeks March 8 and March 15

[Mr_Hatter 1,608]

moscow moscow moscow

 

(Also love the username, go Burnsie)

[Victor 10,940]

It's true, all of it.

[wcats 237]

[eaglesfan036 4,599]

I agree gritty is the best player!

[Gavin Minton 21]

15 hours ago, sjs88speed said:

Have you ever done anything in life, anything where you considered yourself pretty good at it? Like to the point where you start feeling real confident about your abilities? No? Okay, just pretend you have. Pretend that you are a gazelle. Your the best damn gazelle around, you outrun the slowest gazelle every day and never get caught by the predator! In fact, you outrun not just the slowest gazelle, but all of them. They consider you the Usain Bolt of gazelles, and you use your intelligence and maneuverability to buy yourself another day on the planet. The predator of the gazelle--the lion usually aims to catch the slowest gazelle in order to find it's meal. Now imagine the lion stalks around per usual, and the chase begins--but this time, that motherfucker is fast. This lion might as well have augmented limbs because he is so goddamn fast that he only wants the fastest gazelle to satisfy is undying hunger. He catches the fastest gazelle with no stress and peaces out to dine on his meal leaving all the gazelles to wonder what the hell just happened to their Usain Bolt. As you, the fastest gazelle, are being feasted on alive by the family of the lion you think to yourself; This motherfucker is O.P. That Lion is the Moscow Menace. Yeah, thats right. Moscow Menace isn't even a gazelle, they are the fucking lion. They are laughing in their dressing room as they rip to shreds the competition like a simple VHL gazelle. Forget beating the rest of the gazelles to live another day-- How in the hell do we stop this monstrosity that the VHL has created?

 

SUPER IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS OF OVERPOWEREDNESS

 

As a hockey fan and a VHL newbie, I am very sad to bring you the top 50 players in order of points minus every player from a team other than Moscow. Hint: The list is not as short as you may think.

 

Jet Jaguar @gorlab

97 points in 72 games you say? You must be referencing a demigod by the name of Connor McDavid or Leon Draisaitl from an ancient time where hockey players actually played the game on ice with sticks and skates! Nope, were really talking about Jet Jaguar and the absolute beast of a player he is.

Conclusion: OP

 

Randoms @hedgehog337

Ok, obviously there will be a player well beyond the point-per-game stat line, but probably no more right? Wrong. Randoms is just a random dude that GM @Victor found on the streets of Russia sipping vodka out of a damp sock, but turned out to be the best damn goalscorer since...since himself. There is nobody quite like dampen sock sipping Randoms.

Conclusion: Drunk and OP

 

Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen @flyersfan1453

You already probably know that this man racks up points, not only in the VHL but in Jager credits. "What are Jager credits?" you may ask-- Jager credits are a made up currency that Smitty takes for his endorsement deals with Jagermeister, the alcoholic beverage. He believes that these will purchase him beverages from the company but he couldn't be more wrong. Good move, Jagermeister.

Conclusion: Not Drunk but OP

 

Mat Tocco @Matmenzinger

What is there to know about this little guy? Other than him being a scoring machine, he also starred in the movie Indiana Jones. He played the character, "short round" as he was the only person available that was short enough to play the role. Rocking a 5'9" 170 pound frame, good luck hitting this guy as he slips through between your legs and scores top shelf while screaming "MISTAH JONES MISTAH JONES!"

Conclusion: Short but OP

 

Dan Baillie @wcats

We are seeing a recurring theme here--No, not that I'm a biased and sore loser roasting the team that beat me in the playoffs, that Moscow is full of players that can score points like crazy. Dan Baillie is 9th on the list of 50 players, and we are already at 5 Menace players being mentioned. The winger scored 77 points and put up a 32 goal season, which is never to be taken lightly.

Conclusion: OP

 

Gritty @eaglesfan036

Hey- who are you and how did you get in her-- Hi guys this is the same guy that wrote all the rest of this stuff, and I'm here to say that Gritty is the best player in the entire league, he is underrated, he is handsome, and he doesn't take yes for an answer! Gritty ain't afraid to get down and dirty when it comes to scoring goals and dishing out apples, but when it comes to the Moscow Menace, I'm- I mean He, is the most complete player!

Conclusion: Gritty

 

Vladimir Pavlov @Victor

Another Russian in his home country, what else could go right for the Menace? Seriously, the VHL need to put limits on how many Russians are allowed to abuse vodka during games. Moscow's bench looks like the curb outside of the bar full of drunks chatting it up about nothing altogether, but at the same time they get on the ice and turn into straight savages searching for the last bottle of vodka left on post-apocalyptic earth. Besides that, Pavlov is a great defenseman that deserves the recognition that he has gotten, though he forgets everything the next day so whats the point.

Conclusion: Drunk and OP

 

Dean Clarke @Kyle

You thought we were done? You can't forget the Dean. The Dean is the most normal resembling figure on the Moscow team. Although he is in the top 50 players in points, He reminds me that you don't have to be in a vodka-fueled rage coma to do well in the VHL. Putting up good numbers for a well rounded defenseman, He is showing promise for an even brighter future in Moscow, if that is even possible with all the drunk Russians raging across the league. Anyway, thank you Dean Clarke for keeping away from the vodka and helping build a better and safer VHL.

Conclusion: All Natural

 

Raymond Bernard @Mr_Hatter

You are joking right? They also have a goalie that can put up 45 wins in a season with a 2.51 GAA? Is he on the drink too? No, he's not. Well maybe, theres no way to be sure, but no matter that, he's a goalie that can steal games on any day. Signed to be with Moscow for another 3 seasons and looking good at that. All we can do is pray that this man doesn't find where Randoms keeps his dampen socks.

Conclusion: OP

 

Now I ask all of you, please consider signing my petition to remove the abuse of vodka in the EU conference, obviously were staring right at you Moscow. This team is not only good, but tolerant. They will feast on the substance until their insatiable hunger for vodka can no longer be met, then they move on to something else-- something worse, US. If they aren't already feasting on us, they will be soon when they run out of vodka. We can only hope that people like Dean Clarke will see the condition of his teammates before they turn into VHL player eating zombies that play great hockey.

FINAL CONCLUSION: MOSCOW IS OP!!!

 

I have implemented a security device that will force these players to leave you alone for a short while. Please use the following image to create a distraction if you are to run into one of the previously listed players.

Instructions: Use with caution. Pull photo up on phone and show to raging drunk. Proceed to throw phone as far as you can once individual makes a loud screeching noise. DO NOT CONSUME BECAUSE THIS IS A PHOTO!

 

Disclaimer: This is meant to be funny, and was not meant to hurt the feelings of others. If you have been found with injured feelings, please contact @Beketov.

 

1,310 words for PT weeks March 8 and March 15

Very OP indeed

[Kyle 667]

On 3/4/2020 at 2:17 AM, Victor said:

It's true, all of it.

I cant believe I'm now considered the normal seasoned vet. Who would've thought.

[Victor 10,940]

3 hours ago, Kyle said:

I cant believe I'm now considered the normal seasoned vet. Who would've thought.

They just don't know about the roids.