jacobcarson877

Art Vandelay

sure!

Hello fans, haters and those bored enough to read this letter on Twitter, I have opened my notes app today (Please check the link in my bio to get an exclusive deal on a new Iphone 23XL Super Pro Limited VHL Edition 4.8TB, while supplies last, please contact your local Apple Orchard for more details) to tell you all about my plans for the coming season. Fear not (or perhaps fear, if you’re into that), I will not be retiring this offseason. I will be coming back for more, and stronger than ever next season. I have been fighting some nagging injuries over the last few seasons, and thanks to the hard work of the folks in the London United organization, I have had an extra long offseason to heal, rejuvenate and train my body to grow even beyond my previous 99 point heights. But, I know that this is the beginning of the end. The deals I have struck with Simon are coming to a close, and after one more demon-infused season, I will be forced to return my soul, which is owed to Lord Simon himself, with imminence. I am afraid that I will soon be no more than a husk of meat and bones. This is the cost of becoming a VHL player, and each player must weigh the value of their soul accordingly. Some get the good end of the deal. They work hard and get just enough attention from their patron to make it to the Hall of Fame, where they are allowed to live alongside their soul and one loved one in the glory of their success and Simon’s goodwill forever. Everyone else must forfeit their soul to the dark overlord and return to the world, a mindless prophet, seeking new and impressionable children to indoctrinate into their blood cult. I can feel my mind tugging me towards a young child. Please keep this in context, I promise I’m not weird, I’m just in a cult. I cannot find them, as if they were in the Latvian 3rd tier league or something. They are completely shrouded in ice dust, and play in a flurry of incomprehensible motion. At the conclusion of S91, my time is up and I must venture forth into the world to find my charge. It will likely take me a few weeks to find and induct them, but soon there will be another loyal servant among us (sus?). I have narrowed down my search a small amount, as I imagine that I am looking for a defender. But something tells me that this isn’t just one defender, but perhaps 2. Or maybe just one particularly large one. I can’t really tell. I feel as though I will need the help of a trusty feline companion to fully uncover this mystery. If anyone knows of a particularly talented hockey cat that I can align my goals with, please contact me in my Instagram DMs, or Saturdays on Snapchat from 1:00 am to 1:37 am, excluding 1:11 to 1:23 am as that is my designated levitation and sleep paralysis time. Love, Landon Wolanin

The London United have announced that they will be conducting open tryouts for several key positions on their roster. This announcement comes after the retirement of Igor Molotov and The Board Game Clue On Skates, who both held important roles on and off the ice. While the team made the playoffs this season, and made it through a tightly contested play-in round against the Helsinki Titans, it is clear that the team needs to make significant changes if they hope to see themselves raising another championship banner. These open tryouts are a last resort for this franchise, as it clings to the hope of bringing this core of players another championship. The team is primarily looking for Centers and Defenders. With Igor Molotov leaving, there is an obvious hole for a true elite Center. The team has banked on a hodgepodge group up the middle for too long, and while rookie Sjin should be able to keep up with the VHL, it seems rather optimistic to assume he can immediately come in and make wingers Molly the Cat and Leonard Triller into Szatkowski Trophy contenders. While all Forwards are encouraged to try out, faceoff ability will be heavily taken into consideration. The second position of note is the Defenders. Historically, the United have had a rather lopsided rotation of Defenders, often relying on a select few to play heavy minutes. Under the reign of legendary Goaltender Jesse Teno, the focus on loading up the back end is less of a concern, especially considering the scoring woes of the Jacob Carson tenure. The salary cap is cruel and unforgiving, and as such London will be looking for a motley crew of tenacious defenders, eager to earn their ice time, and compliment the great scoring empire this nation aims to build. The coaching staff are specifically looking for someone who is not afraid to shoot the puck, and has a knack for puck retrieval. Tryouts will be held at the Royal Forum over the next two weeks, under the close supervision of the coaching staff and the leadership group presiding over the United. This is a particularly important season as rumours of a Scottish takeover are swirling, and considering the circular nature of history, it seems wise to heed this looming warning. There will be a special Kids, Aunts and Cats skate this Thursday afternoon. No one is allowed to observe this event beyond the attendees. All other parties are asked to please enter the Lord Simon Chapel, and participate in a lovely potluck and blood sacrifice. We hope everyone can make it, and please check the link in our Instagram bio for more information. Anyone who does not attend either Open Tryouts or the Kids, Aunts and Cats skate will be charged a special tax. A tax on what you might ask? You know already, deep down. Please RSVP at your earliest convenience, and please, remember to sleep well, drink lots of water and eat lots of meat and leafy greens before Thursday!

Coming from the President of the Victory Hockey League’s Junior Showcase Tournament, Jacob Carson, here is the official opening night roster for the Yukon Rush: C – Phillip Rave (SDM, VHLM) C – George Richmond (LVA, VHLM) LW – Adi Dassler (SDM, VHLM) LW – Kimi Raikkonen (HOU, VHLM) LW – Leo Neelson III (SSK, VHLM) RW – Dietrich Reingaard (SDM, VHLM) RW – William Wallace (OTT, VHLM) D - Callum Gary Yannick “CGY” Janser (SSK, VHLM) D – Sunset Moth (BRA, VHLE) D – Scrungle Bungle (OTT, VHLM) D – Thickums Mcgillacutty (SDM, VHLM) G – David Slezak (MIA, VHLM) This roster will be accompanied by rookie GM Grover Rover, and an experienced panel of advisors including noted 5 time JST winner, Jacob Carson. All roster players are encouraged to check their DMs, and make their way to the Rush Locker Room for the first pregame skate. This is an officially sanctioned press release from the office of the President.

are you really tampering his tampering rn??? Reported.

ART VANDELAY

Landon Wolanin - PC

bumping! this is THE place to start, revive or reinvigorate your GMing career!

Guess the winners and the lengths of series for each playoff series (a new one comes out each round), and based on how well you do, you get some Uncapped TPE! Worth taking the 15 seconds to fill it out even if you don't think you'll be right (STHS can do all sorts of wonky things, so you're just about as likely to be right as anyone else!)

Wanted to stop by! 1. Landon Wolanin is almost in building mode again! Hoping to learn from the greats and find the best way to dominate this coming season! 2. I imagine it'll be much of the same, but with a ton more hope after what should be a masterclass of a draft by Ricer! 3. I imagine Toronto is, but I wouldn't count out Davos or Vancouver either. 4. CGY Janser. But for real Shubham Anand! 5. Red Onions, some nice bell peppers, bacon, ham and a boatload of cheese! 6. Olives. I want to like them so badly but they're just so overwhelmingly bad. Makes me sad. Lots of love Calgary!

There is lots of speculation in the amateur scouting community about the S94 VHL Entry Draft. A lot of the kids are simply too young to have an established projection. There is a particular set of players however, 2 to be exact, that are starting to make a name for themselves in their respective programs. They skate around the ice, shrouded in a mist of ice shavings and sweat, completely unrecognizable. They never get dropped off or picked up. In fact no one has seen them arrive or leave their respective facilities. They do not play a set position, often rotating seemingly at random throughout the games. They even mysteriously don the goalie pads on occasion. Their teammates and coaches never mention them, and the commentators don’t have their number on their roster cards. The scoresheet just has some random symbols in an inhuman language at the bottom, and we all just assume that is the identity that these players are going with. They have been obsessively studying tape of two existing VHL stars, Landon Wolanin and Molly the Cat. What relation each has to each other is a complete mystery, but sometimes if you walk the halls you can see the bright blue flashes of a Titans game, or the red, white and blue of a United game. How do we even know these players are eligible for the S94 VHL Entry Draft? Well to be entirely honest we don’t. Commissioner Josh Da Silva can’t quite figure out why these strange symbols are even on the online draft portal. It appears as if the paperwork was completed and reviewed, approved by one S.T. Immediately after discovering this paperwork, the Commissioner team all took an emergency meeting, with people reporting a choral chanting of “Praise be to Simon” for many hours before the doors opened back up again. So how do these enigmas stand up against the other prospects in their age group? Well there doesn't seem to be a ceiling for these two players. They train harder than anyone else, they player harder than anyone else, and they are growing at an enormous rate. They seem to have been born for hockey. The only question is whether they’ll be able to keep growing to compete in progression. Then they’ll have to figure out how they match up with and against each other. There is a world where these are 2 franchise centers, or opposing goalies. Perhaps a defensive pairing, or opposing wingers. A blueline quarterback and an offensive dynamo. There truly is no telling until they declare their positions after the S92 Trade Deadline. We’ve seen actual Board Games, Dinosaurs, and fictional characters make an appearance in the VHL, but only time will tell what form these swirling masses of ice and sweat declare themselves as. Whatever they are has the Commissioners in fear of the wrath of S.T. and amateur scouts around the world. A few of these scouts have reported chronic nightmares, of these wonderkids standing over a large basin of blood, with a picture of a Quebecois man, with the eyes cut out.

Art Vandelay

I also can not fathom why the team underperformed. I had to pay a lot of attention to Malmo this season trying to figure out whether it was worth pushing for a playoff position or not, and I genuinely have no idea why things ended this way. Simon does as Simon does I'm afraid! Lots to be proud of and excited for in Malmo!

Outside of the one in the Finance tab on your player page?

should anyone who did it before redo it then?

Kinda just gives off the same vibes as NYA as a center of red white and blue patriotism. Nothing really original, but if the city is what holds BOG up then that would be the first concession I'd make haha OG logo is just boring and jarring compared to the quality of the newer ones.

I always assumed it had something to do with the United Kingdom

@Gaming Ringleader too!

Art Vandelay

How could you release a generational goalie talent?????

If I can't play for the Marlins I quit.