Worst of the Best: Why Jerry Garcia Was Even More Trash Than I Thought

[Gustav 6,407]

(tagging @Renomitsu  because reasons)

 

Those of you who were in the league from S65-S73 may or may not remember my first (and last) player, Mr. Ice Cream Man and center of the Grateful Dead universe Jerry Garcia, a godawful defenseman and much later on a semi-productive forward who spent six seasons in Malmo and later on finished out his career in Davos. Those of you who are newer may still know him as "that one player I bring up when you start complaining about your production." He's been retired since Taro became a thing, so why do I keep complaining about him?

 

TL:DR; Jerry Garcia is easily the worst 1500-TPE player ever, and may be the worst player to ever reach 1400 as well.

 

To my surprise, there are currently no active players above 1500 TPE. All who have reached said mark are retired, which should make this first bit a little bit easier. To start, I'll give a brief rundown of my career to give a bit of insight about how exactly I ended up writing this article.

 

 

S65: I find the league just a few days before the VHLM draft. Not knowing anything, I claim welfare and practice facility, and I think I did a press conference or something. In any event, Garcia is drafted 36th overall to the Houston Bulls with 38 TPE. One could say I caught on well enough, and I ended up earning my way into the first round of the VHL draft. Jerry actually finished near the top in SB for the VHLM this season, and was kinda sorta up there in hits, but apart from that wasn't much to look at.

5 G | 28 A | 33 P | +10 | 154 PIM | 238 HIT | 110 SB

S66: Garcia is taken 7th overall and becomes the first player ever drafted to Malmo, one spot back of Charlie Paddywagon (to be mentioned later). He puts up a statistically unimpressive season, but as a rookie that's not a concern.

4 G | 27 A | 31 P | -10 | 88 PIM | 119 HIT | 145 SB

S67: Garcia improves a bit, and ends up with a career high in SB. Still doesn't produce very well offensively.

7 G | 33 A | 40 P | -28 | 100 PIM | 130 HIT | 163 SB

S68: This was my only season as a defenseman where I was a good player on both ends of the ice, and it showed with me barely losing the Wylde to (I think) Lance Flowers, my only shot at an award so far. I still think I should have won it, but I digress.

10 G | 50 A | 60 P | +39 | 122 PIM | 154 HIT | 150 SB

S69: I came into this season expecting to take the step up to elite level, but STHS had other plans. Jerry drops off for unexplainable reasons.

11 G | 33 A | 44 P | +10 | 100 PIM | 152 HIT | 132 SB

S70: Things continue to go south. I put up 5 more points and 80-some more hits, but also more than doubled my PIM from the previous season. By this point, I'm a 1000-TPA player and arguably producing on a lower level than I was in my second season.

10 G | 39 A | 49 P | -1 | 209 PIM | 236 HIT | 129 SB

S71: Instead of arguably being worse than in S67, Jerry decides to definitely be worse than in S67. The only redeeming quality here is that his hits are suddenly a lot cleaner, despite me not touching CK or DI.

10 G | 30 A | 40 P | -24 | 96 PIM | 216 HIT | 124 SB

S72: I decide to go all in with Davos (read all about that in my "why I'm a shit GM" article, not this "why I'm a shit builder" one). This leads to me buying Jerry from Malmo and switching to winger. At this point, I become a decent player--but the damage to my career stats has already been done. New Jerry puts up over 80 points and shows some hitting ability even though his CK is now at 70 rather than 90.

39 G | 45 A | 84 P | +23 | 76 PIM | 170 HIT | 20 SB

S73: It's retirement season, and New Jerry caps off his career with a solid two-way season. I enter the Taro era wondering why I didn't just create as a forward in the first place.

32 G | 40 A | 72 P | + 14 | 96 PIM | 271 HIT | 27 SB

 

Career Totals:

Defenseman: 52 G | 212 A | 264 P | -14 | 715 PIM | 1007 HIT | 843 SB

Forward: 71 G | 85 A | 156 P | +37 | 172 PIM | 441 HIT | 47 SB

Total: 123 G | 297 A | 420 P | +23 | 887 PIM | 1448 HIT | 890 SB

I was actually completely unaware that Jerry Garcia recorded 420 career points. Actually kind of fitting I guess.

 

Career Averages (to nearest whole number):

Defenseman: 9 G | 35 A | 44 P | -2 | 119 PIM | 168 HIT | 141 SB

Forward: 36 G | 43 A | 78 P | +19 | 86 PIM | 221 HIT | 24 SB

Total: 15 G | 37 A | 53 P | +3 | 111 PIM | 181 HIT | 111 SB

 

I really hate to think about what that total might have looked like had I never made the switch to forward. As you can see, two good seasons as a forward gave Jerry a kind of respectable ending point, and that's not saying much. Next up, we'll take a look at every player to ever reach 1500 TPE, and explain why he was worse than each and every one of them. Ironically, the only place where Jerry maybe has an edge over the others is in hits and shots blocked--and the switch to forward certainly makes the SB side of things much less of a difference, and in turn much less of an argument.

 

Green = Better than Jerry | Red = Worse than Jerry

 

Ryan Kastelic (2000 TPE)

172 G | 446 A | 618 P | +92 | 633 PIM | 1169 HIT | 702 SB

Kastelic pulled a reverse Jerry, starting out as a forward before switching to the blue line in his fourth season. All jokes aside about his non-HoF career after being the all-time leader in TPE, he ends up in the Hall of Pretty Good. He performed at New Jerry levels on offense for his entire career, making him better than Jerry by a good margin.

 

Hunter Hearst Helmsley (1828 TPE)

265 G | 362 A | 627 P | +96 | 747 PIM | 1567 HIT | 234 SB

HHH made the Hall of Fame after a legendary career, and after putting up much more points, more hits, fewer penalty minutes, finds himself even more comfortably in better than Jerry territory.

 

Julius Freeman (1741 TPE)

286 G | 307 A | 593 P | +139 | 394 PIM | 916 HIT | 191 SB

HHH's right-hand man for most of his career, Freeman found himself finishing off with a season and a half in New York. Making the Hall of Fame after playing a career at slightly-worse-than-New-Jerry levels (yes, I did the math), the difference was that he had a full career of it. As such, certainly better than Jerry as a whole.

 

Julian Borwinn (1725 TPE)

325 G | 380 A | 705 P | +135 | 519 PIM | 1165 HIT | 251 SB

One of the league's best players of recent memory, Borwinn sort-of-quietly broke the 700-point mark, running up some awards on the way. As the highest-scoring player out of everyone we've looked at so far, he's certainly better than Jerry.

 

Jet Jaguar (1681 TPE)

256 G | 389 A | 645 P | +107 | 541 PIM | 845 HIT | 179 SB

Funnily enough, we've already found two teammates of mine from S72, though Jaguar is much better known as one of the faces of the great Moscow teams of the late 60s (an era which extended right up until this season). Again, we see much more green than red, making him also a good deal better than Jerry.

 

Mats Johnsson (1674 TPE)

134 G | 469 A | 603 P | +191 | 608 PIM | 984 HIT | 1046 SB

One of only four pre-S60 players to break the 1500-TPE barrier, Johnsson is also the first one up to this point to play all eight seasons as a defender. Though it's probable that Garcia would have beaten Johnsson in SB had he not switched to forward (and he'd already beaten Johnsson in hits), Johnsson managed to do much on offense without a switch to forward, obviously pushing him far into better than Jerry territory.

 

Podrick Cast (1635 TPE)

379 G | 467 A | 846 P | +289 | 345 PIM | 487 HIT | 222 SB

Cast is widely known as the second-best player of the 60s, and 846 points is something that says it all. No argument even begins to exist as to why he might not be better than Jerry.

 

Condor Adrienne (1629 TPE)

156 G | 442 A | 598 P | +74 | 1417 PIM | 1936 HIT | 1144 SB

Garcia's teammate for four seasons, the first half of Adrienne's career doesn't say a whole lot. As soon as I left, though, Adrienne never looked back, never putting up fewer than 90 points in a season and twice hitting 100. He'll be remembered in VHL lore as the greatest defenders of recent memory, while Garcia will not. 100% better than Jerry.

 

Norris Stopko (1623 TPE)

269-237-32 | .922 | 2.41 GAA | 49 SO

Obviously, it's much more difficult to compare goalers. And it's not like Stopko managed to break the fabled 300-win mark. But a quick look at his career save percentage and GAA, along with awards, makes this easy. Three Shaws, three Cleganes, two Kanous, a Funk, and two cups...yep, better than Jerry.

 

Gabriel McAllister (1613 TPE)

397 G | 429 P | 826 P | +286 | 721 PIM | 2079 HIT | 302 SB

The earliest create out of everyone over 1500 TPE, McAllister broke 90 points in 6 of his seasons. A lock for the Hall of Fame, he put up one of the league's all-time great two-way statlines, somehow putting up super clean hits as well for our Checking/Discipline nerds out there. No doubt, better than Jerry.

 

Kallis Kriketers (1598 TPE)

324-133-37 | .920 | 2.23 GAA | 65 SO

Again, we're comparing a goaler. But we're comparing Garcia to arguably the best goaler of the '60s, and certainly the best regular-season goaler. Kallis deserves unequivocal better than Jerry status.

 

Jasper Canmore (1583 TPE)

292 G | 441 A | 733 P | +191 | 486 PIM | 949 HIT | 281 SB

Canmore is an example of a player who took full advantage of the unusually high-scoring S62, putting up 142 points in what was one of three consecutive 100-point seasons. Though his list of awards is a tiny bit shorter than some others, it certainly doesn't stop him from being one of the greats of the early '60s, putting him in clear and obvious better than Jerry territory.

 

Matt Thompson (1571 TPE)

422 G | 403 A | 825 P | +214 | 769 PIM | 1827 HIT | 446 SB

Thompson is arguably the greatest player of the S60s. Enough said. Much better than Jerry and even much better than many others on this list.

 

Lincoln Tate (1546 TPE)

98 G | 410 A | 508 P | +125 | 860 PIM | 1314 HIT | 940 SB

Tate is the first one on this list to be worse than Jerry in terms of any offensive stat, and that's only because Jerry switched to forward. He's also got an 80-point season, a 90-point season, and a 100-point season, and he won the Wylde, the Labatte, and the Beketov twice each. Certainly better than Jerry.

 

Benny Graves (1520 TPE)

263 G | 335 A | 598 P | -19 | 752 PIM | 1563 HIT | 187 SB

Graves is the first player on this list with a negative plus-minus, though it's not like he didn't do enough to put him on this list anyway. Like Tate, Graves put up an 80-point season, a 90-point season, and a 100-point season, most notably his 100-pointer in S73, when he was one of the league's best players overall. In just about every season, better than Jerry.

 

Rayz Funk (1512 TPE)

294-179-40 | .917 | 2.56 | 36 SO

By most accounts, Funk's regular-season stats are pretty darn good--but they aren't worthy of recognition as an all-time great. What is is the fact that Funk was arguably the greatest playoff performer of all time. Jerry...wasn't. And let's be real, even in the regular season...better than Jerry.

 

Hulk Hogan (1500 TPE)

105 G | 444 A | 549 P | +84 | 1025 PIM | 1212 HIT | 984 SB

Hogan is the last player in the 1500-TPE list, and he's another with fewer goals than Garcia purely because of the position switch. He's also the only player to play dirtier, with fewer hits and more penalty minutes. However, he won a Beketov and helped bring four cups to Seattle. He's been considered for the Hall of Fame, and with many more points there's a good reason why. Better than Jerry.

 

In all, among 1500-TPE players, Garcia finishes:

3rd-worst in goals

Worst in assists

Worst in points

2nd-worst in +/-

3rd-worst in penalty minutes

6th-best in hits

5th-best in SB

 

So, we have established that Jerry Garcia is easily THE worst 1500-TPE player to ever exist in the history of the VHL. But is he the worst 1400-TPE player?

 

I'm not going to run through a list of every single 1400-TPE player ever to prove that, in part because that's a lot of writing and a lot of stats and also in part because I'm lazy. What I am going to do, though, is list some players who may give him some competition.

 

Charlie Paddywagon (1453 TPE)

58 G | 301 A | 359 P | -5 | 374 PIM | 549 HIT | 960 SB

Drafted one pick before Garcia, I'd argue that Paddywagon's career stats are less impressive than Garcia's. Fewer goals, fewer points, a lower +/-, less of a physical presence. But would this have happened if Garcia hadn't made the position switch? Had Jerry gone through another couple bad seasons, they'd be just about even in points, and probably even in +/-. He'd be ahead of Paddywagon in hits and likely would have been ahead in SB, which may give him an edge. It's very close to even here, though.

 

Soren Jensen (1435 TPE)

196 G | 266 A | 462 P | +21 | 167 PIM | 390 HIT | 226 SB

Jensen had more goals and more points, but as a forward that was to be expected. He also was a good deal less physical. If he were a defender, points would put him easily in better-than-Jerry territory, but playing out his career as a forward puts him in maybe-worse-than-Jerry territory as we saw New Jerry approach Jensen's career offensive numbers at the end. I think Jerry may be a bit better here, though I can see arguments either way.

 

Jaxx Hextall (1473 TPE)

188-171-46 | .918 | 2.96 GAA | 21 SO

Hextall is the only active player on this list, but as such has the potential to improve upon his current statline. It's again very difficult to compare a goaler to any skater, and as such one may argue that comparisons aren't fair. And I don't necessarily disagree with that, but Hextall is the only other player over 1400 TPE who I looked at and didn't immediately think "ok, this player had at least one dominant season that I can think of (or at least has better career numbers), he's out". With a record close to average and a relatively unimpressive GAA, he hasn't stacked up to the other goalers on our list. But .918 is respectable, and, again, this isn't a skater so there aren't any hard guidelines for comparison. Because of the pure amount of subjectivity involved, this will always be up in the air.

 

 

So that's that. My first player ever was never the best at anything, but he goes down as (so far) the worst player to ever hit 1500 TPE. And maybe he's also the worst to ever hit 1400 (though maybe he isn't). You decide.

 

 

2,844 words! I love this because it covers most of the rest of my semester and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. See you in a month.

[OrbitingDeath 3,183]

So you are basically saying Garcia was the reason Condor sucked his first four seasons

[Jubis 1,348]

I once created a player who had 1469 tpe 

[bigAL 2,176]

6 hours ago, GustavMattias said:

Total: 123 G | 297 A | 420 P | +23 | 887 PIM | 1448 HIT | 890 SB

I was actually completely unaware that Jerry Garcia recorded 420 career points. Actually kind of fitting I guess.

Absolutely legendary. That’s the greatest thing Jerry has done. 

[Garsh 1,190]

This isn't meant to make you feel bad in anyway, I was curious when I noticed you had 6 seasons on D.

Jerry's 6 seasons on Defense:

 

7 hours ago, GustavMattias said:

Career Totals:

Defenseman: 52 G | 212 A | 264 P | -14 | 715 PIM | 1007 HIT | 843 SB

 

 

 

Griff Manzer (a 914 TPE player) 6 seasons as Defenseman:  65 G | 269 A | 334 P | 73 | 703 PIM | 1056 HIT | 844 SB

 

Edited April 5, 2021 by Garsh

[Gustav 6,407]

6 hours ago, OrbitingDeath said:

So you are basically saying Garcia was the reason Condor sucked his first four seasons

 

I don't think I could legally deny that.

[Prout 373]

Review; ahhh yes the history lesson from Gustav once again  ! I always enjoy these and league history. I liked the stats and player colours from better or worse then. Your a good writer and grammar is always good. Formatting is solid as well. It’s cool seeing these articles and learning from the leagues history and other users players especially HOF players you’ve added to compare with.

 

9/10

[DMaximus 1,046]

I like that the fact the only reason you have to put in a stipulation for 1400+ TPE is because of how bad Paddywagon was.

[Gustav 6,407]

7 hours ago, DMaximus said:

I like that the fact the only reason you have to put in a stipulation for 1400+ TPE is because of how bad Paddywagon was.

 

I mean, there are a few. Paddywagon > Jensen in my opinion.

 

I will say that you were the first one I noticed in the 1400 tier though, but that might just be the portal sorting by totals.

[Mr_Hatter 1,608]

Fantastic read @GustavMattias, albeit sorry for your loss HOF lock in my book for 420 alone

[Gustav 6,407]

Week 2

[Gustav 6,407]

Week 3 I guess since theme week interrupted this one.

[Seabass 593]

Really enjoyed reading this article it was funny and entertaining to go through Jerry's mediocre journey.  As a person who can appreciate stats I like the fun stats you've included of not only garcia but of other players to compare.  Was neat that you color coded everything too make it easier to read and distinguish between teams you were on. 

 

10/10

 

Also fuck you Garcia for fucking over a few of my VHFL teams. I kept picking him to breakout to only get burned.

 

Edited April 22, 2021 by Seabass

[Gustav 6,407]

Claiming week 4