WTF Happened Here?? DCD/RIG

[bigAL 2,176]

This is the first formal installment in a series I like to call: What the Fuck Happened Here? 

 

This idea started with a comment I made in a VHLM game thread a season or two ago. It was a game where there was a wild line brawl. A SimonT WALL of text documenting the penalties the refs handed out. It made me wonder: "What the fuck happened here?" I wrote what could probably be packaged and sold as a vhl.com, trying to turn that coal wall of text into a diamond of a story. I know our whole existence here is about turning ASCII print-outs into a real, tangible story, but so many of those stories are easy to tell. We can see who scored that clutch goal in OT. We know which goalie stood on their head to steal the game. We can't as easily see the physical, caveman parts of hockey. There's no shutdown defenders in the league because we don't see them. If we could see them, I bet we could put together a whole Ove Dyrdahl highlight reel worthy of a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em VHS, but we can't. We'll never see a Punch-up in Piestany at our World Juniors; we'll never get to see the VHL equivalent of Scott Stevens patrolling the blueline and almost-literally murdering people who challenge him; we can roleplay it but we'll never have a goalie who is also a professionally-trained boxer use his skills to beat the piss out of another goalie. Ed. note: This is all good in the VHL because injuries are off. Predatory hits like Mark Schiefele's on Jake Evans have no place in real life hockey; it likely will ruin the life of a kid with a bad history of brain injuries. It's the classic DGB conundrum: how do I simultaneously enjoy the emotion, intensity, and entertainment of a hockey fight while also knowing that it's causing irreversible brain damage to both combatants? Nostalgia is a hell of a drug. Anyways, with injuries off we are free to romanticize the violence all we want, right?

 

Isn't chaos beautiful?

 

So here's to the face punchers, the cheap shotters, the shit disturbers, and the pot stirrers too. They are unsung heroes rattling cages, protecting the stars, and throwing fists. They hide in the depths of the SimonT scoresheet, but every once in a while they come out to play. Anytime I see the goons gooning things up, it begs the question:

 

What the FUCK happened here?

 

clippings from Period 2 of Game 248: Riga Reign vs D.C. Dragons

 

No seriously, what the fuck happened here? One thing jumps out among the chaotic text:

 

12:29

 

Shit went DOWN at 12:29. 

 

Final score:

DCD: 19 PIM

RIG: 29 PIM

all at 12:29

 

The theory I've come up with through my analysis of VHL fights is that Simon T types ties in reverse chronological order. The first event we see at 12:29 is the last one to happen chronologically.

 

This Riga-DC game was already out of hand by the midway mark of the second period. DC potted two goals in the first, and another in the second before Riga finally got on the board at 9:47 of P2. Not three minutes later, their frustration boiled over.

 

Joseph Sharkton, Latvian grit grinder, tries hard loves the game, gets a bit too aggressive chasing down the puck on a dump and chase. DC defender Jackson Philliefan has two steps on Sharkton, and reaches the corner first. When he takes a shoulder check to see where Sharkton's at, he's greeted with the letters SHER on one eye and WOOD on the other. BOOM, cross check to the face.

 

http://a.espncdn.com/photo/2009/0422/nhl_g_hawks_flames1_576.jpg

Two minutes for: you can't do that

 

DC defender Yuuto Kira Cloudera sees his teammate eat shaft, and hurries over to avenge his teammate. Artair McCloud sees the burning rage in Cloudera's eyes, and knows that the bulky defender is ready to turn Sharkton into chum. McCloud, parked in the slot, takes a two handed chop at Cloudera's ankle as the defender crosses over to the far side. Cloudera falls, spiralling, snow angel-ing for a few rotations, while McCloud becomes the first responder on the scene. McCloud stands with Sharkton, looks at the damage done in the corner, and turns to prepare for the inevitable onslaught of revenge smashes. The two free-Reign punishers see the rest of the backchecking Dragons heading their way. They don't see a down-but-not-out Jackson Philliefan standing up, returning from the dead, and sucker punching Sharkton in the back of the head. With a maniacal smile on his face, Philliefan turns on McCloud next. Philliefan's smile gets even bigger when he doesn't face-punch McCloud... because Cloudera charges him from behind. Suddenly McCloud feels a front and back crack: first the crack of a stick straight level with his shoulder blades, and the crack of his nose as he sniffs a big ol' line of endboards. 

 

After that, all hell breaks loose.

 

The remaining players all grab dance partners. Isau DaMoose grabs Jeffrenomitsu The 3rd. That turns out to be a fatal mistake for DaMoose, as Jeffrenomitsu turns his face into pepperette.

 

 

DaMoose not having DaBest Time

 

Maksim Yakolevsky, DC's token 'enigmatic Russian', grabs Matt thunder, but neither of them know how to fight. They grab, they twist, they pull, and they make the "dance partners" metaphor less metaphorical. Their fight, it swings, it jives, shakes all over like a jellyfish. I kinda like it, but the refs don't, and make them break it up.

 

"Wanna dance?" "OK"

 

Last Dragon standing was Jay Jones. He'd played his career exclusively in the European division before getting traded to DC at the S77 trade deadline. He didn't like to fight. He just wanted to pass, shoot, score. Fighting was too barbaric and American for the European-trained Canadian. He was watching the chaos while an interesting thought popped into his head: "I wonder if I have enough milk for my breakfast cereal tomorrow...?" That made him mentally run through his fridge, top to bottom, thinking about what salad dressings he had in the door, if there were apples left in the crisper, why he put the milk on the bottom shelf instead of the top shelf... "Oh yeah, milk!" he says triumphantly to himself.

 

 

"I wonder if you can put chocolate milk on corn flakes?"

 

Jay Jones, is completely off in La La Land. He's approached by Jared Carter, the last single Riga player. Carter, eager to prove to his team that he's got their back, grabs Jones by the jersey and cocks his fist. Jay Jones has a revelation, and asks Carter: "Do you prefer white or chocolate milk?" Jared Carter laughs, and laughs, and punches Jones straight in the nose. The DC forward snaps out of it and gets one weak hook in before Carter knocks him out cold with a classic "got him by the scruff with your front hand, pull him towards you, and give a momentum-fuelled jab to the face". Jones crumples to the ground, while Carter leaves him with an epic chirp: "Better drink a gallon tomorrow to heal your face bones bud!"

 

Surprise, both fists work in a fist fight!

 

With that, every player on the ice is sufficiently exhausting from beating up or being beaten by someone else. Some of the players are just taking a breather (face down on the ice), and the rest too exhausted to fight another round with a new challenger. Head referee UNKNOWN finally steps in to deal with the aftermath. The crowd is going wild, clamouring for more, but UNKNOWN has to be the disappointed parent who shuts down the party and issues the punishments to all the naughty boys. When all is said and done, after 90 seconds on the microphone referee UNKNOWN has announced the following: 

 

1. Joseph Sharkton (RIG) - 2 minutes for cross-checking Jackson Philliefan in the face

2. Artair McCloud (RIG) - 2 minutes for slashing Cloudera's ankles, intercepting the defender rushing to aid Philliefan

3. Jackson Philliefan (DCD) - 2 minutes for getting up before the ref counted to 10 and suckeying Sharkton while he's enjoying his 'victory'

4. Yuuto Kira Cloudera (DCD) - 2 minutes for boarding McCloud when he leaves himself exposed by turning to see WTF HAPPENED HERE with Sharkton.

5. Isau DaMoose (RIG) - 5 minutes for losing a fight that he started

6. Jeffrenomitsu The Third (DCD) - 5 minutes for finishing what DaMoose started

7. Matt thunder (RIG) - 5 minutes for "fighting" the tango with Yakolevsky

8. Maksim Yakolevsky (DCD) - 5 minutes for "fighting", because it takes two to tango

9. Jared Carter (RIG) - 10 minute game misconduct for instigating a fight with a guy who's dreaming of dairy

10. Jared Carter (RIG) - 5 minutes for actually throwing fisticuffs at the guy who's dreaming of dairy

11. Jay Jones (DCD) - 5 minutes for snapping out of it a second too early, because if he kept dreaming he wouldn't have gotten that one weak punch in, and if he didn't throw a punch he wouldn't get the penalty...

 

And that, my friends, is WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN THAT RIGA/DC GAME EH?? I think. Who knows, I'm just making shit up.

 

1545 words, claim for three weeks.

Edited June 4, 2021 by bigAL

[Enorama 2,038]

You've gotta at least tag the fellas involved

 

@Philliefan

@kentakira

@Jeffie43

@Nepto

@TTtheT

[bigAL 2,176]

2 minutes ago, Enorama said:

You've gotta at least tag the fellas involved

 

@Philliefan

@kentakira

@Jeffie43

@Nepto

@TTtheT

You’re a great coach, I see why they pay you the big bucks

[Gustav 6,415]

I still remember being Hounds GM and seeing one of my players getting ejected in the middle of a play for abuse of officials. I even looked through the play by play and that's all that happened, no stoppage of play beforehand or anything. Simon is weird.

[Ledge 1,131]

Gotta ping the boys

 

@Eynhallow

@jaredc7

@Matt thunder

@Hoopydog

@TheOGShark

 

[Matt thunder 444]

It wasn't tango, it was a special technique.

I have 52 in fighting I know what I'm doing

[jaredc7 61]

@Matt thunder

i taught him all he knows :3

Edited June 4, 2021 by jaredc7

[Matt thunder 444]

8 minutes ago, jaredc7 said:

@Matt thunder

i taught him all he knows :3

wait what, It sould be the opposite, I'm older than you in the game

Do I suck that much?

[bigAL 2,176]

9 hours ago, GustavMattias said:

I still remember being Hounds GM and seeing one of my players getting ejected in the middle of a play for abuse of officials. I even looked through the play by play and that's all that happened, no stoppage of play beforehand or anything. Simon is weird.

Hilarious. We just have to assume that buddy went to go clear the puck, the ref got in the way, and puck hit him in the gonads. The player screams at the ref to "get his tiny peepeepoopoo out of the way". The jock-less ref, writhing in pain on the ice, yells for the other ref. The other ref comes over, and the eunuch points at the player snitches: "He called me a peepeepoopoo." The play in the other end is still going, while the surviving ref stares down the player and points to the exit. The sexual assaulter leaves willingly, and a replacement forward hops over the bench on the other side of the ice. The newly-single ref skates down to the other end, gives an appreciative nod to the linesmen for watching the kids for a few moments, and play continues uninterrupted.

[mediocrepony 1,216]

DaMoose not having a less gooo moment

[Baozi 1,658]

Thugs all of you.

[jaredc7 61]

16 hours ago, Matt thunder said:

wait what, It sould be the opposite, I'm older than you in the game

Do I suck that much?

90 fighting skill fren :3

[Matt thunder 444]

25 minutes ago, jaredc7 said:

90 fighting skill fren :3

Damn bro, you are on fire, I'm at 52

[bigAL 2,176]

4 hours ago, tfong said:

Thugs all of you.

They do what they do so we can do what we do  

[bigAL 2,176]

Claim 2

[bigAL 2,176]

One! Last! Claim!