DoktorFunk

Here for it

Seattle, Washington Scott Greene of the Seattle Bears Makes Custom Hockey Gear Entirely Out of Velcro The world was shocked today when Scott Greene from the Seattle Bears stated that they would like to announce that he had made his gear for the upcoming season entirely out of Velcro. When asked for comment, Scott Greene had this to say: "I think it’s going to be a positive thing. At first I thought it was a ripoff, to be honest. But it’s really helped me stick to the puck better, and when I throw a hit, it takes another player to unstick the two of us. I think this kind of gear will stick around for a while, pun very much intended.” This kind of statement is the type that will continue to draw attention to Scott Greene. They’re already quite the high-profile player on the Seattle Bears, and there are those that would say no publicity is bad publicity. @HenrikZoiderberg and @berocka seem to like the new gear. However, these comments have received their fair share of backlash from even the higher-ups in the Victory Hockey League community. One of the highest profile dissenters of the Board of Governors, Banacock, had this to say about the comments: “It’s a sticky situation. We might make him change the outfit.” We’ll keep you updated as this story develops.

S68 Donation Transaction ID: 7U178192YU012361Y Free Week Doubles Week Doubles Week 5 Uncapped TPE CLAIMING DOUBLES WEEK AND 5 TPE

Week deux

Love ya! Great defenseman? I guess I thought I've been playing center this whole time ?

Part I - Pick em' (Pick the correct winners of all three games for 2 TPE) Game 3 - Helsinki Titans @ Vancouver Wolves Game 4 -Helsinki Titans @ Vancouver Wolves Game 5 - Vancouver Wolves @ Helsinki Titans Part II - Predict the Score (Predict the correct score and winner of this game for 3 TPE) Game 5 - Vancouver Wolves @ Helsinki Titans 4-2 Part III - Player Predictions (Predict the correct player for each category, 1 TPE for each correct answer) Series leader in points: Dan Wilinsky Series leader in goals: Julian Borwinn Series leader in assists: Beau Louth Who has the series PIM lead: Sidney Crosby Who scores the series winning goal: Matt Thompson

60. Hulk Hogan is always the champ in my heart. He keeps it if I have anything to say about it. 61. Triple H! Triple H! Triple H! 62. I'm always down for some Aussie love ? 63. Perfect season. Let's make it happen. 64. We make it I think from the number 4 spot. 66. Fuck Vancouver. The team, not the players. They're cool.

460

Seattle, Washington Scott Greene of the Seattle Bears Gains 450 Pounds The world was shocked today when Scott Greene from the Seattle Bears stated that they would like to announce that he had gained 450 lbs of muscle for the upcoming season. This is an unprecedented statement from a sports player of any kind, much less a player of Scott Greene’s renown. When asked for comment, Scott Greene had this to say: "I think it should really help out with my game. I’m slower, but I’m pretty sure I could fire the puck straight through the net and any players unlucky enough to be in the way.” This kind of statement is the type that will continue to draw attention to Scott Greene. They’re already quite the high-profile player on the Seattle Bears, and there are those that would say no publicity is bad publicity. However, these comments have received their fair share of backlash from even the higher-ups in the Victory Hockey League community. One of the highest profile dissenters of the Board of Governors, Banacock, had this to say about the comments: “As long as he can still score, it’s fine. But it’s like watching molasses out there. He needs to lose some weight because it’s just not healthy.” We’ll keep you updated as this story develops.

Neatly done, sir

VHL Media Spot Generator With the difficulty of coming up with new media spots to write every week, I’ve had to get creative. So, what are my options? Well, I could get good at doing graphics, but that’s FAR too high effort for me and I really don’t want to do it. I have the equipment to do a podcast, but again, I’d really prefer not to do something that high effort. That leaves either welfare or continuing to write media spots. Welfare gets me a lot less TPE and continuing to write articles about my player is getting repetitive. I could write about the stats of different teams, but beyond the goals that myself and my teammates score, I could really care less about stats. So what do I do? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the VHL Media Spot Generator! Simply put, I’m going to write up four different templates for different amount of weeks any player may wish to claim TPE for. There will be one for a 500 word spot, a 1000 word spot, a 1500 word spot, and a 2000 word spot, each with a blank template, a link to a mad lib site to fill in the blanks as desired, and an example of each post in action. In this article, I’m going to provide the 500 word template and a few examples of how you could get created in styling the media spot so as to seem original. Simply take this template, plug it into a mad lib generator, and you’re all set! This is not plagiarism, as everything put in these articles I am magnanimously providing for the VHL to make it easier for everyone to earn TPE! ______________ [City], [State] Victory Hockey League In Shock! The world was shocked today when Player Name 1 from the Team Name1stated that they would like to announce Announcement. This is an unprecedented statement from a sports player of any kind, much less a player of Player Name 1's renown. When asked for comment, Player Name 1 had this to say: "Phrase 1.” Backlash against this statement is quite understandable. Player Name 2 of the Team Name 2 says “Phrase 2” and continues to say "Phrase 3” The reason they feel this way is reasonable, as the comments made by Player Name 1 are somewhat at odds with the rest of the Victory Hockey League. Player Name 1 isn’t without his supporters, however. Player Name 3 of the Team Name 3 is one of their most prominent supporters, and has even gone as far as joining [Player Name 1] on stage at a recent press conference to defend them. “Phrase 4]” says Player Name 3. “Phrase 5.” This kind of statement is the type that will continue to draw attention to Player Name 1. They’re already quite the high-profile player on Team Name1, and there are those that would say no publicity is bad publicity. However, these comments have received their fair share of backlash from even the higher-ups in the Victory Hockey League community. One of the highest profile dissenters of the Board of Governors, Governer Name , had this to say about the comments: “Phrase 6.” Player Name 1 responded by saying “I understand why they had to react this way. I really do. But I think he missed the broader context of what I said. When I say ‘Phrase 1, I say it for the betterment of the entire Victory Hockey League and to call attention to the growing dissatisfaction that is addressed in what I said. Governer Name would do well to remember that.” Going against someone as powerful as Governer Name could be a big mistake for Player Name 1, but, if what they say is true, Player Name 1 sees themselves as a Title 1 and a Title 2. Sometimes these movements gain traction, but more often than not, they fizzle out. We have no doubt that Player Name 1 has the best of intentions, but the way that they’ve chosen to express it has certainly ruffled some feathers. If Player Name 1 wasn’t as skilled as they are, they might not have chosen to speak up the way that they have. But, as it is, the Victory Hockey League may not be able to tolerate one of it’s brightest stars speaking up in this manner. Punishment may not be far behind. We will keep you posted as this story develops. ——————- This template is around 450 words long, so all the person who wishes to use it will be required to write is about 50 words of content. Let’s take a look at the finished product. ——————- Seattle, WA Victory Hockey League In Shock! The world was shocked today when Hulk Hogan from the Seattle Bears stated that they would like to announce “I love to eat soup while naked!”. This is an unprecedented statement from a sports player of any kind, much less a player of Hulk Hogan’s renown. When asked for comment, Hulk Hogan had this to say: “I think it’s hard to not love eating soup while naked. I’ve done it my whole life and no one has bothered me before.” Backlash against this statement is quite understandable. Scott Greene of the Seattle Bears says “No comment.” and continues to say “I mean, I like soup too.” The reason they feel this way is reasonable, as the comments made by Hulk Hogan are somewhat at odds with the rest of the Victory Hockey League. Hulk Hogan isn’t without his supporters, however. Rayz Funk of the Seattle Bears is one of their most prominent supporters, and has even gone as far as joining Hulk Hogan on stage at a recent press conference to defend them. “I eat soup while naked all the time.” says Rayz Funk. “I once ate a man because he looked at me funny.” This kind of statement is the type that will continue to draw attention to Hulk Hogan. They’re already quite the high-profile player on Seattle Bears, and there are those that would say no publicity is bad publicity. However, these comments have received their fair share of backlash from even the higher-ups in the Victory Hockey League community. One of the highest profile dissenters of the Board of Governors, Banacock, had this to say about the comments: “This madman must be stopped.” Hulk Hogan responded by saying “I understand why they had to react this way. I really do. But I think he missed the broader context of what I said. When I say ‘“I think it’s hard to not love eating soup while naked. I’ve done it my whole life and no one has bothered me before,” I say it for the betterment of the entire Victory Hockey League and to call attention to the growing dissatisfaction that is addressed in what I said. Banacock would do well to remember that.” Going against someone as powerful as Banacock could be a big mistake for Hulk Hogan, but, if what they say is true, Hulk Hogan sees themselves as a Liberator and a Soup Saint. Sometimes these movements gain traction, but more often than not, they fizzle out. We have no doubt that Hulk Hogan has the best of intentions, but the way that they’ve chosen to express it has certainly ruffled some feathers. If Hulk Hogan wasn’t as skilled as they are, they might not have chosen to speak up the way that they have. But, as it is, the Victory Hockey League may not be able to tolerate one of it’s brightest stars speaking up in this manner. Punishment may not be far behind. We will keep you posted as this story develops. —————— With a little bit of editing, we have a perfectly coherent article, that, if we’re being honest, is funnier and more interesting than most of the articles that are posted for media spots (this is a joke, please don’t crucify me). For added flavor, you can get creative and put the entire article through Google Translate and translate the result back into English for hilarious results. ___________ Translated from Spanish Victoria Hockey League in shock! The world was surprised today when Hulk Hogan of the Seattle Bears declared that they would like to announce "I love eating soup while naked!" This is an unprecedented statement of a sports player of any kind, much less a renowned Hulk Hogan player. When asked for a comment, Hulk Hogan said the following: "I think it's hard not to love eating soup while naked. I've done it all my life and nobody has bothered me before." The reaction against this statement is quite understandable. Scott Greene of the Seattle Bears says "No comments" and continues saying "I mean, I like soup too." The reason they feel this way is reasonable, since the comments made by Hulk Hogan disagree with the rest of the Victory Hockey League. However, Hulk Hogan is not without followers. Rayz Funk, of the Seattle Bears, is one of his most prominent followers, and even got to join Hulk Hogan on stage at a recent press conference to defend them. "I eat soup while I'm naked all the time," says Rayz Funk. "I once ate a man because he looked at me weird." This type of statement is the type that will continue to draw attention to Hulk Hogan. They are already high profile players in the Seattle Bears, and there are those who say that no publicity is bad publicity. However, these comments have received a good deal of violent reactions even from the superiors in the Hockey League Victory community. One of the highest-profile dissidents of the Board of Governors, Banacock, said the following about the comments: "This madman must be arrested." Hulk Hogan responded by saying, "I understand why they had to react in this way. I really do. But I think the wider context of what I said was lost. When I say‘ "I think it's hard not to love eating soup while being naked. I've done it all my life and nobody has bothered me before, "I say to improve the entire Victoria Hockey League and to draw attention to the growing dissatisfaction that is addressed in what I said. Banacock would do well to remember that. Going against someone as powerful as Banacock could be a big mistake for Hulk Hogan, but, if what they say is true, Hulk Hogan sees himself as a Liberator and a Soup Saint. Sometimes, these movements gain traction, but most of the time, they vanish. We have no doubt that Hulk Hogan has the best intentions, but the way they have chosen to express it has certainly disheveled some feathers. If Hulk Hogan was not as skilled as they were, they might not have chosen to speak the way they did. But, as it stands, the Victoria Hockey League may not be able to tolerate one of its brightest stars speaking this way. The punishment may not be far away. We will keep you informed as this story unfolds ————————————— This was translated into Spanish and then back into English. I’m sure using another language would make this translation even more wild than it was. And, just to clarify, I am not actually suggesting anyone use this. But they could. But they shouldn’t. So there you have it! I hope this inspires more people to write low-effort, high-comedy articles in the future. Have fun! 1416 words (when you exclude the retranslated Spanish segment. It didn’t feel right to claim that.)

40. I think we're great. We have an incredible future ahead of us! 41. Making million dollar moves ? 42. Yes. 43. Time control so I could sleep longer 44. Mushrooms 46. Spain for sure. But for flavor, let's say Canada because it seems cool.

VHL Cricket League? Seattle Bears prospect @berocka Sundqvist has expanded his repertoire during this offseason. The left winger has started a small cricket league with some of his friends from the VHL. Sundqvist has gone on record saying that cricket is his favorite sport to play in his free time, and now he seems to want to spread some of that love to his friends. “He sent me a video on the rules that I watched,” says Scott Greene, one of the players participating in the League. “I’m not sure I understand the rules quite yet, but I’ll get there. I know you throw balls at sticks and try to hit them? That’s as far as I’ve gotten. So far, the league is very small, only containing five players at the moment. Sundqvist wants it to continue to grow, however. Any people interested may contact him for admission, as it’s open for play!

idk who likes getting pinged ?

I do it

BEARS BEARS BEARS

Another season is done for the Victory Hockey League, and while most teams move on to the playoffs, the Seattle Bears have begun golf season. Spirits are quite high, however, as the team looks to ways to keep its young talent ahead of the upcoming expansion draft. The Bears, more than any other team, are banking on the development of it’s young stars and their continued success. Most of their pieces have proven themselves to be excellent in their rookie season, with strong Rookie of the Year contender Rayz Funk being the standout of the group. “Rayz can be hard on himself sometimes,” says teammate Scott Greene. “He holds himself to a very, very high standard, and while that’s definitely a good thing, it can be hard to see a friend be down on himself sometimes. I think he’s a ringer for Rookie of the Year, for sure.” The attitude in the Bears locker room has been nothing but happy, overall. Overhearing the meeting with the team after the final game of the season was very emotional. “So, with Regular season done, I can say that I am really liking where our team is sitting when it comes to production and growth,” said recent acquisition John Frostbeard. “I am loving everyone on this team and I believe that we could be having the best LR in VHL right now!” “Seattle ended with 69 points,” says Hulk Hogan, and the team answers all at once with “Nice.” They then embraced and popped the champagne. Emotions and well-wishes are nice, but the problem comes with who to protect in the expansion. Two difficult ones to keep will be center Scott Greene and prospect Berocka Sundqvist. Greene finished tied for second for most goals on the team with teammate Shane Mars. “I was happy with the amount of goals that I scored. Shane had an amazing season last season, and to be able to keep up with him in goals was a proud moment for me,” says Greene. “I think I proved my worth to the team, despite my terrible +/-. I’d like to remain here in Seattle if at all possible because I simply love all the people I play with.” There’s a decent chance that he could. Seattle will need a second line center and soon will need a first line center after Maxim Kovalchuk retires. Berocka Sundqvist expressed his desire to remain a Bear as well. Many teams would be lucky to have Sundqvist, who had an amazing season in the VHLM. He had 51 goals and 49 assists. Sundqvist is in a good position to perform well for Seattle in the future. “The team looks to be set,” says Scott Greene. “We all have high hopes for this next season. The hardest part is going to be keeping all the pieces in their place. All of us want to remain Bears, but we also want to win. No hard feelings if I can’t stay. This team is going places, regardless.” _________________________ 500 words, clambering for this weeeeek

Ouch

Damn close!

Hi, my name is DoktorFunk, and I don't score anymore

Bears

Guess I'm done scoring for the season

Another point, finally

Rough

331 New York Americans @ Vancouver Wolves 332 Seattle Bears @ Riga Reign 333 Malmo Nighthawks @ Moscow Menace 334 Calgary Wranglers @ Helsinki Titans