Doomsday

Onward, Dynamo! To the promised land!

Doubligné a Hidden Gem? OSLO - When the Oslo Storm selected Penis Anthony Doubligné with the fourth pick in the second round of the Season 36 VHLM Dispersal Draft, few expected that he would make a big impact on the team. However, Doubligné has been a positive force for the Storm during the team's pre-season workouts and could prove to be a difference maker down the stretch. "Last year we got a great impact player in DuJuan Cook," said Thomas Landry, the general manager of Oslo. "Doubligné could very well prove to be made of the same mold. Last year the strength of our team was absolutely our defensemen and if Penis Anthony Doubligné can really turn into a hardened warrior, he could really pound the competition hard." While the Storm came up short last year, Oslo certainly likes their chances of going long this year, with some excited fans believing they could even go all the way this season. Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, your source for quality sexual entendres. He enjoys being a viking, observing Thor's Day and smashing all dissenters with hammers.

Productive game for Landry, 17 PIMs is definitely worth beating up a CPU. :3

Let's get there first before we think about that.

THIS IS SO AWESOME! :D

Considering the Eagles barely beat a Cowboys team with their putrid defense and a backup QB, got a good lol out of this.

On the bright side, the game did give us this awesome moment:

Oslo welcomes goalkeeper Lebron King Gonzalez.

The Oslo Storm select the fantastically named Penis Anthony Doubligné, defenseman.

Oslo offers: S36: $250k S37: $250k

The Oslo Storm are pleased to welcome Left Wing Johan Hallstrom and goalkeeper Jimmity Kricket!

The Oslo Storm are pleased to welcome defenseman Sami Kravinen!

Oslo offers: S36: 200k S37: 200k

Content: 3/3 - You've certainly found yourself in high demand lately. Enjoy the spotlight and remember that if you come to Davos, you get to play with meeeeeeeeeeee! Grammar: 2/2 - One tiiiiiny thing here. twitter = Twitter Appearance: 1/1 - Pictures, color... oh yeah. Overall: 6/6 - APPROVED!

Content: 3/3 - Good, in-depth look at some topics in the VHL for the upcoming season. Bonus points for the kind words you gave Davos. Grammar: 2/2 - Pretty good with the exception of two incredibly nit-picky things. copout = cop-out longshot = long shot Appearance: 1/1 - Really think that you could've broken up the wall of text with some pictures, but you used colors well so there. One point! Overall: 6/6 - Boom shaka laka!

Content: 3/3 - Kesler has been nothing but positive since coming to Davos and has been an awesome teammate. His grammar can be infuriating, but then again, we all have our own faults. The fact that he can get through all the crap that gets flung at him is nothing short of remarkable. Great piece to shed more light on this topic, sir. Grammar: 2/2 - Pretty good for the most part, just two little things. image search fof Kesler17 = image search of Kesler17 It’s easy to look ‘how the fuck can I ever compare to that?’ = I think you meant "It's easy to think/say," because it comes off as awkward as you wrote it. Appearance: 1/1 - I think this could have used another picture, but it's ok as is. Overall: 6/6 - Well done sir.

Massive Pornography Ring Uncovered In Helsinki HELSINKI - Fresh off of their hometown Titans winning the Continental Cup, the hangover continues for the city of Helsinki. It stung enough when Odin Tordahl left town, but salt has truly been poured into the open wound with the city's task force announcing that they have cracked open an international pornography ring that had been based from and operating within the city. The ring, which had done business with people in over 30 countries had logs dating back three years. Many prominent public figures were found on the registry and over two hundred people were involved with selling the pornography. After years of failed efforts to put an end to it, it ended up taking a joint task force including the Helsinki police and Interpol in order to make a successful sting and put a halt to the production. "It truly is disturbing to find that sort of stuff being run through our city," said Commissioner Dolph Stetson. "This was no small-time racket. This was a massive syndication that was functioning internationally, with clients in Mexico, China, the United States, Canada... pretty much everywhere other than Russia. Fortunately, we can now claim that it has been shut down and operations have ceased." While it has not been disclosed exactly how many clients who did business with the pornography ring have been charged, it was released that 26 people have been arrested for their involvement in the ring. None of them have been publicly identified. Especially worrisome is the fact that while the Titans had a banner year in Season 35, their arena became a favorite place for clients to make transactions for pornography. Millions of dollars were made per night alone while the Titans hosted games during the Continental Cup. "I can't believe that something like that has been going on here in Helsinki," stated Mitch Higgins, general manager of the Helsinki Titans following a team function. "A lot of the guys are pretty disturbed over this and have refused to go anywhere in our facility without a black light. Even the fact that we've washed and sterilized the entire arena from top to bottom isn't enough for them. I truly hope that those responsible are swiftly brought to justice for their affronts against this city." Further disheartening is the fact that the ring leaders of the pornography ring remain at large. While they learned of the sting much too late to save all of their hard work, they were able to destroy many documents and files critical to the police and escaped long before the authorities ever arrived. "I don't think we've heard the last of them just yet," said Commissioner Stetson. "They are unfortunately very smart and clever people who won't let this sting stop them. Their days in Helsinki may be over, but I am worried that in a year or so, these same problems will resurface in a new town. If God has a sense of humor, it will probably be Davos." Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, which apparently now reports on sultry stories. He enjoys wrestling with demonic tomes, laughing at someone different and freedom.

400 Hits? DAVOS - A season removed after recording only two hits, Davos forward Thomas Landry took the entire VHL by surprise with his elevated physical play, racking up a staggering 319 hits. Miles Larsson was the only forward to record more hits than Landry with 335. The HC Dynamo received yet another boost to their physical game with the acquisition of Odin Tordahl, but could Landry surprise the league again and step up his game even more? "I'm going for 400 hits this year," said Landry after a team function. "No one made it there last year, although some did get close. It doesn't matter if I am on the first line, second line, third line, it's irrelevant. My teammates here in Davos will need me to step it up this season and I fully intend to do so." The HC Dynamo returned to the VHL Playoffs in Season 35 after finishing dead last the year before, however they were throttled in five games by the Cologne Express. Spirits remain high, however and the HC Dynamo look to be even stronger this year as they set out to avenge their defeat. Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, the most quality publication in the world... period. He enjoys teaching children how to fly, making evildoers go BOMF and saving the world from irascible women.

Things are looking bleaker and bleaker, but this is no time to lose faith! At least if we lose, Garrett gets fired. Why Monte Kiffin hasn't been fired already is beyond me.

Well, at least we scored more than one goal this time.

YES YES YES YES YES YES

but we didn't lose yet!

What's Next For Landry? DAVOS - The times are certainly changing for Thomas Landry. After being an afterthought to the VHL during the Season 33 VHL Entry Draft, he clawed his way into the league with the New York Americans, eventually landing in Davos with the HC Dynamo for a king's ransom. While he may have been on two Founders' Cup champions in two years in the VHLM, in two seasons in the VHL he has two first round exits to show for it. While none of that can be placed upon Landry on his own, that hasn't stopped him from starting to work harder and harder on improving himself even more. "I've already managed to shed several negative labels placed upon me," said Landry. "This won't be any different." Labeled as a soft player after Season 34, when he only recorded two hits over the course of 72 games, many figured Davos, a team in need of a physical presence, was a bad fit for the young forward. However, Thomas Landry got the last laugh, recording a staggering 319 hits (317 more than the previous season), good for fourth in the VHL. The unexpected physical presence the HC Dynamo received from Landry was a contributing factor to Davos' dramatic turnaround this season. Despite that, many feel that he was still not worth the high price paid for him. In 72 games, Landry finished with 26 goals and 33 assists, good for 59 points and 5th on the team in that statistic. He also finished with 117 penalty minutes, way up from the zero he had a season before. His -3 rating also shows a need to improve defensively. All in all, he was not a consistent presence on offense and that is something that will need to drastically change if Davos wishes to build upon their season next year. "Sure, there's a lot I could improve on," continued Landry. "But then again, what player couldn't say they had nothing to improve upon? There's a whole off-season ahead of me, along with the Super Cup. I will have plenty of time to study film, work on my skills and take the ice next season as exactly the kind of player Victor Alfredsson, my teammates and the city of Davos need me to be and you can count on that." With young players such as Landry, Matteo Gallo, Sergey Brovalenko and Matt Bentley, the HC Dynamo certainly have a promising future, especially with Lennox Moher in net. But in order for that talent to pay off, they'll need to learn to better utilize each other. While Landry has already made it his mission to become a playmaker to create more opportunities and scoring chances for the team (especially the deadly Brovalenko), better defensive play will be the true aspect that Davos must improve on if they wish to make it past the first round of the playoffs. Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, a wholly excellent and entertaining publication. He enjoys wrangling wild hogs, directing lost travelers toward the banjos and four scoring a deal with you.

Oslo On the Brink OSLO - Three games into the VHLM Finals, the Oslo Storm find themselves down three games to none. Additionally, three also represents the amount of goals the Storm have put up, while the Ottawa Lynx have seemingly scored at will. Unless the Oslo can suddenly storm their way to four straight wins, it all appears to be over, but don't tell that to the team themselves. "Until the Lynx or ourselves get four wins, this series is not over," said Oslo's general manager, Thomas Landry. "Obviously it's going to be an extremely difficult road to take, but we're not going to stop fighting until this series is over, one way or the other." Widely known to be accumulating pieces to make a run in Season 36, the Storm surprised everyone this season by making it all the way to the VHLM Finals after a lackluster Season 34. While the turnaround has been tremendous, it could come to a less-than-ideal ending at the hands of the Ottawa Lynx. The fact remains that, win or lose, the Storm could be heading into Season 36 with far more steam and momentum than anyone could have imagined. Jethro Novacek has been a writer for the MSFL Times for long enough, thank you. He enjoys watching squirrels water ski, a good pear every now and then and trying to make himself believe it's not almost Christmas.