GlowyGoat

you know i will you can't stop me

Player Information
Username: GlowyGoat
Player Name: Lukas Schweitzer
Recruited From: Other (recreate)
Age: 18
Position: G
Height: 75 in.
Weight: 235 lbs.
Birthplace: Germany

Player Page
@VHLM GM

Player Name: Callum MacElroy
VHL/VHLM Team: Houston Bulls
Cash you have: $1.5 Million
Purchase Name: The First Generation
Cost of Purchase: $500,000
Cash Left: $1 Million

MISSISSAUGA--After the Hounds snapped their 15-game cold streak with four wins in their last five games, the team decided to celebrate Monday night by proving that the old-school, drunken spirit of hockey back in the day hadn't quite died out. After the team's upset of the Ottawa Lynx, a rare game in which Ottawa ended up being outright outplayed in addition to simply being outscored, a small group of players decided to take part in a drinking contest to celebrate. Cases upon cases of cheap beer were brought back to the clubhouse, and once general manager Jerry Garcia left for the night, the team was set to break into the festivities. 
 
After Garcia had left, though, the door to the supply closet where the stash was hidden was opened, revealing that what had been hidden hadn't exactly gone untouched--every single can was sitting empty in one corner, and in the other corner was a passed-out Callum MacElroy, who had evidently gone through and (quite impressively) managed to finish off every can available. 
 
When asked about the incident, MacElroy said, "Nobody tauld me abit a skitin' contest. Ah jist saw a pile ay swally an' decided Ah shoods tak' jist a wee bit afair a' fowk else got tae it. It shooldnae be a surprise 'at Ah loch tae gie blooter'd." 
 
MacElroy's reputation as the team's resident alcoholic has somehow not translated to being held back on the ice, as he finds himself in the middle of a solid season after producing reasonably average numbers last season in Houston. Garcia could not be reached for further comment.

HOUSTON--Ludvig Sederstrom, the Bulls' most valuable free-agent signing this past season, has managed to create a few waves recently after the Houston locker room got quiet for, well, a few days. Since the team was knocked out of the playoffs last week (I think? Seems like we've been in the offseason now forever. Time moves by incredibly quik during the season and incredibly slowly outside of it), we've heard next to nothing from an otherwise attention-grabbing locker room. But in today's age of anyone and everyone being ripped apart (sometimes rightfully so, sometimes ridiculously) for things said on social media years in the past, it was only a matter of time before the trend (is trend the right word? Never mind, I've used too many parentheses) found its way to professional hockey. 
 
"Hanging at the beach with my boys," read the caption on a 2016 post from Ludvig Sederstrom's Instagram account (@xXGangstaBoi42069Xx). "Tried to pick up a few chicks but none of them seem interested in hockey. One of them said I was too white and another rated me a solid 3.8 out of 10. Better luck next time I suppose! XD"
 
Too white? Come on, Ludvig, you're in Sweden. "Too white" is a legitimate achievement. 
 
What mattered most to the online community, however, wasn't the "picking up chicks" comment, nor was it anything that Sederstrom said, for that matter. Since the post resurfaced, it has been slammed relentlessly by player after player and regular internet troll after regular internet troll for none other than the sheer unflattering quality of Sederstrom's shirtless picture. Multiple users made posts along the lines of a simple "ew," but comments as creative as "This is the gay conversion therapy Mike Pence is looking for" could also be seen amongst the ranks in the comment section. Multiple VHL teams who had previously expressed interest in drafting Sederstrom, too, have since backed off that sentiment, and instead opted for the old "decline to comment".
 
Of course, Sederstrom's sheer ugliness a few years ago says nothing about the physical appearance of his agent (@aleks), who assures me that he's an absolute babe. 

Lets just take a minute to talk about the job sonnet has done in his first you as a GM. Houston is going to the playoffs, in year one. It is quite a feat in itself because no one saw an expansion team doing as well as we have done. Sonnet when you read this, I would like to thank you for having me along for this ride.
So lets talk about some of the tough decisions he had to make as GM. During the middle of the season the team was in the middle of the pack, Easily could have tanked to get a better pick, in a league where picks mean everything. He sent a message out to us players asking for our opinion on what direction the team should go. Overwhelming the team wanted the chance to go for the cup, and that’s exactly what Sonnet did. I personally think he wanted to think of the long term for the team but was focused on keeping the current moral up. He made a few additions which pushed us to the third seed for the playoffs.
From a players perspective Sonnet is what we want in a GM. He cared about our opinion, and team moral, he is active, and he really is looking for our team to be friends. It may sound bias but Sonnet for GM of the year.
#Jointhestampede

SUNDAY--The round robin portion of the World Junior Championships has concluded, and Team Asia, the team that everyone thought was totally screwed heading into the tournament, absolutely was, as their record of one win and...well, whatever, has actually exceeded some people's expectations. While Asia ended up looking like the VHLM's Philadelphia Reapers in a few games, they actually looked fairly worthy in a few others, taking Team Canada to a shootout and even dominating Team Europe defensively in a 2-1 win. The team's general manager (ok, fine, it's me) has gotten some positive acknowledgement (ok, fine, maybe one of my teammates once congratulated me on the win) for these performances, with the (entirely nonexistent as of yet) management skills of the team being (not really) attributed to its relative success. And while this is, to most people, exactly what was expected or maybe a little bit more, the results were not quite good enough for the league's more...interesting...followers. 
 
Early this morning, a mob of approximately 200 self-proclaimed weaboos marched (or Naruto ran) on VHL headquarters, with signs bearing slogans like "STHS IS RACIST" and "THE POWER OF GOD AND ANIME IS MIGHTIER THAN TPE--ABOLISH THE LEAGUE'S UNFAIR OFFICIATING".
 
While it is unclear what exactly was being protested, according to a few of the more diplomatic of the crowd (read: neckbeards carrying thesauruses), "something was amiss" just as soon as Asia lost, even once, as their "superior culture" should have easily been enough to propel them to a clean sweep of the tournament. The protest even turned violent, with some witness accounts documenting league commissioner Beketov taking a body pillow upside the head and several individuals being detained after (unsuccessfully) attempting the ancient art of firebending. 
 
Players and management from Team Asia, as well as VHL representatives, declined to provide any further commentary on the matter.

HOUSTON--Callum MacElroy, the Bulls' token Scotsman, has been the center of a good deal of media attention thus far, for, well, being drunk and Scottish. 
 
Last night was no exception, as he went on one of his very own drunken rants when asked about his feelings on the upcoming (and deep) VHL draft, making a very bold (and indeed impossible) prediction about his standing.
 
"Ah dunnae kinn wa anyain woods draft Helmsley. Born in 1970? Gezz a break. Thaur's nae way he can e'en skate. Ah hae an uncle 'at was born in 1970. Noo swatch, he was an accident, but aam bonnie sure by lookin' at heem 'at if ye waur born in 'at year ye hae nae reit tae be oan th' ice. Swatch at me, thocht. Aam thee meters taa an' mah reit bicep weighs 10 kilograms. Ah bevvy a keg every scran an' Ah can break a barrel in half wi' mah wee finger. If barcelona doesnae tak' me number a body overaa, 'en ah dunnae kinn whit they're thinkin'."
 
There is no VHL team in Barcelona, but the smell of whiskey was too strong for reporters to think of much else. 
 
Also, MacElroy has already been drafted--this season, he was made the last pick in the VHL draft, courtesy of the Calgary Wranglers. When told this, MacElroy didn't seem to fully register the information at hand, as the subject shifted to the inferior shoe size of Shane Mars and much of the media sought out a different Bulls player to interview.

Welcome to Houston! @xsjack

Welcome to Houston! @xsjack

Welcome to Houston! @xsjack

Welcome to Houston! @xsjack

Houston here I come 

HALIFAX--Though T-Series may be nothing but a bitch lasagna, they seem to have gained a few loyal supporters among Halifax management. 
 
The Indian corporate-owned music and entertainment YouTube channel, which within the past year has been a consistent threat to overtake Swedish creator Pewdiepie (Felix Kjellberg) as the most-subscribed to channel on YouTube, has within recent weeks managed to briefly claim the number-one spot for a few short moments of time before Kjellberg's loyal fanbase stepped up with a wave of new subscribers. The battle, aptly dubbed "Pewdiepie vs. T-Series," has been a strong focal point of Internet culture for months, being the topic of many a meme and most recently generating renewed interest as the channels race to the 100-million subscriber mark. It's even relevant and entertaining enough that it was mentioned a grand total of zero times in YouTube Rewind 2018 ("Everyone" Controls Rewind). 
 
And though freedom of expression is of paramount importance to the values of a democratic civilization, it is a generally accepted truth here in North America that supporters of T-Series are traitorous filth. 
 
Hell, I don't even watch Pewdiepie's stuff, and I'd agree with that statement.
 
This shared belief among us Westerners with anything at all in our heads, whether it be brains or a can of tuna, makes the latest revelation about the Halifax 21st, a consistent top-3 finisher in the VHLM, all the more shocking. 
 
Google's advanced analytics team, when sorting through subscriber counts of both channels to ensure the battle's integrity (as supporters of both sides have been known to resort to cheap tactics such as the use of bots), discovered a minor discrepancy in the distribution of subscriber count by location. T-Series' subscribers are, obviously, largely concentrated in India. A few subscribers may be scattered here and there throughout the globe, but the channel's powerful main form of support stems from the country of over 1.3 billion people (fun fact: the USA is the 3rd-largest country in the world in terms of population, and if it gained a whole billion people, it would still be the 3rd-largest). And while many experienced hackers have been known to disguise their servers as European (due to Europe's strong reputation for cyber security), the team found a small clump of subscribers in Eastern Canada that they felt were worth checking out. And as it turns out, every one of these subscribers was a player, coach, or manager of the Halifax 21st. 
 
Google is thought to have asked for details, as they themselves released a statement explaining the nature of the situation:
 
With regards to the recent emergence of subscribers in Halifax, we are told that the Halifax 21st organization is subscribed to T-Series by orders of management. We are not authorized to remove these subscriptions unless a subscribed individual directly asks for their removal in writing, and as of now are, by our own policy, unable to alter the situation in any way.
 
When met with questions from the media, Halifax players, coaches, and management declined to comment.

YEAR?REVIEW?
...not really.
HALF?YEAR?REVIEW?
...that's better.
 
We now find ourselves 36 games into the regular season, and the Houston Bulls, one of two expansion teams celebrating their first year in the VHLM, find themselves still in contention for the playoffs, and, though winning consistently has been a season-long issue, dare I say the Founders' Cup?
 
Yes, I do dare. And hopefully, this analysis will show why the Bulls are a better team than most people take them to be from the standings. First we'll start with a review of the VHLM Dispersal Draft:
 
First Round: C Maximilian Kirbsson (6th overall) and LW Kari Jurri (8th overall). The Bulls came out strong in the first round, grabbing Kirbsson at #6 and Jurri at #8. Both players have become legitimate stars in Houston, with Kirbsson at a team-leading 52 points and Jurri right behind with 50. The two were the two lowest-TPE members of the first round of the draft, but Jurri is now projected to be drafted 3rd overall and Kirbsson 4th into the VHL. Mind you, they are also #1 and #2 on the list of first-generation players, making their selections all the more impressive as they carried a bit of a higher risk when drafted. Jurri has already reached the 200-TPE cap for the VHLM, while Kirbsson is not far behind at 193. Overall grade: A
 
Second Round: D Fylo Gibbles (12th overall). Gibbles, in fact, came into the draft with more TPE earned than either Kirbsson or Jurri, at 136. He dropped to the second round, however, as he was a S65 player who had had more time to earn these points. After two high-risk, high-reward selections in the first round, the team opted for a lower-risk choice in the second. This proved to be a bad move, however, as Gibbles has not earned one single TPE all season, and has more or less earned the title of "inactive." He has still been semi-productive for the Bulls this season, as 136 TPE is decent in the VHLM, but this is not the type of player any GM hopes to pick in the 2nd round and one should expect to see his numbers begin to decline later on as he is caught up to and even surpassed by members of previously lower standing. Overall grade: F
 
Third Round: LW Milan Griffin (21st overall) and G Owen May (24th overall). The third round, for the Bulls, was a bit of a mixed bag. With the choice of Griffin (another S65 player), the team picked up a player with experience, albeit without the expectation of greatness, as Griffin came into his second season with only 82 TPE. Griffin has not been inactive--he is currently at 133 TPE, not producing at a star level but still present enough to not be considered a bust. The real story of the third round here was goaltender Owen May, the second goalie off the board in a class not initially considered to be very deep in goalkeeping talent. While May had only 58 TPE at the time of the draft, he is now at 151 TPE and is in the league-wide conversation about which goalie is the best, with some recently placing him above Philadelphia's Wendy Kandee Cain in value. While the numbers have not shown May to be undeniably great, a look at his TPE progress shows a player with star-level potential who is simply going through a rough patch with the simulator. Overall grade: B-
 
Fourth Round: LW Blake Laughton (26th overall). In the fourth, Houston went for yet another left wing, picking Blake Laughton at #26. Laughton has produced in much the same way Milan Griffin has: not inactive but not consistently active, either. With 30 TPE at the time of the draft, Laughton was a bit of a reach for the Bulls, as he was the first 30-TPE player selected and multiple forwards with higher TPE (notably, Nethila Dissanayake with 72, Blake Gaudette with 55, or even S65's Matteo with 130) were selected afterward. The choice was a bit questionable in the first place, and might not have paid off the way the team had hoped as Laughton currently sits at 77 TPE. Overall grade: D
 
Fifth Round: D Jerry Garcia (36th overall). Let's face it--I'm here. I'm active. I'm writing this article. Garcia is my player, and though I dislike giving myself credit for things, was a steal in the fifth round with 38 TPE at the time of the draft. Garcia, as of this week, surpassed Gibbles as the team's highest-TPE defender (now at 144) and has steadily climbed the VHL draft rankings to a tie at, as of yesterday when I last checked, #17 overall. He's more than paid off for this team, and, while I am not trying to promote myself, I will say this: Overall grade: A
 
Sixth Round: D Joseph Gagnier (48th overall). The Bulls selected their second 30-TPE player here, with talent starting to run a bit thin. Unfortunately for them, Gagnier's TPE has not moved one bit since...well, ever, as he's still at 30 TPE. Not much to say here, but even though the likelihood of finding active players at this point was fairly low, there's really nothing other than a failing grade to be given here. Overall grade: F
 
Seventh Round: RW Callum MacElroy (56th overall). Guess what? Garcia wasn't the Bulls' biggest steal in this year's draft. MacElroy, a Scottish forward with 32 TPE who was inactive through S65, found his groove this season, getting to 133 TPE at the time of writing. Not only that, but MacElroy's agent has since been named Houston's Assistant General Manager, and by all accounts is a driving force for good in the Houston locker room. Finally, MacElroy's selection can be directly traced to the Bulls' top free agent signing (we'll get to that later). Arguably the Bulls' best pick, and not one that would be made by most, if any, other teams. Overall grade: A+
 
Eighth Round: D Hadrian Melborn (64th overall). Melborn, a S65 defenseman with 44 TPE, came into the draft with low expectations, and as a result, was drafted with the Bulls' last selection before they passed on making one in the ninth. His TPE was 44, and at 44 it has stayed, as Melborn has been inactive for a good while. Overall grade: F (although at this point in the draft this doesn't mean a whole lot). 
 
For the whole draft? Not bad! A few misses, but definitely a few steals. Overall, I'd say it was pretty solid and set the Bulls up for some reasonable level of success. Overall grade (entire draft): B
 
*Side note: In the VHLM expansion draft, the Bulls made the only non-draft pick selection, grabbing center Viktor Kozlov from the Halifax 21st. Kozlov is one of two 200-TPE players the Bulls have this season, and while he has not put up unbelievable scoring numbers, has certainly produced on the defensive end of things as he makes the transition from enforcer to power forward. As far as expansion drafts go, the Bulls hit the big time here. Overall grade: A
 
 
And now let's go to free agency, shall we?
D Beau Buefordsson. Selected not too long after the draft, Buefordsson has picked up a grand total of 89 TPE thus far. Though this number may seem a bit low, he is certainly active and learning the ropes as a first-year player. In the locker room, he is a friend to everyone, and a recent surge of activity should help his standing in the future. Overall grade: C+
C Ludvig Sederstrom. Remember that connection to MacElroy? Sederstrom (and his brother Joakim) came as surprise signings for the Bulls, with both being recruited by MacElroy's agent. Ludvig has paid off and become a valuable centerpiece to the team's second line, currently at 132 TPE. Not bad for someone who wasn't around for the draft. Overall grade: A
LW Joakim Sederstrom. ...and then there's Joakim. Active at first, Ludvig's brother now sits at 50 TPE, and may remain there for good. Given Ludvig's success, the dual signing was overall a positive move, but it's had a bit taken away from it by Joakim's lack thereof. Overall grade: D-
C Rhys Chism. Chism is another Griffin-esque player--he's around, but not at the same level of what's generally considered an "active member" of the VHL community. Hasn't been a huge contributor and likely does not have star potential, currently at 95 TPE. Overall grade: C
D Samuel Sparrow. Sparrow currently has exactly the same TPE level as Buefordsson, though Buefordsson has gained points a bit faster in the past few weeks. Overall grade: C
LW Jean ClaudePaul and D Finn Theismann. These two have just recently made their way onto the team and have not had the time to prove themselves, one way or another.  Overall grade: Too early to tell.
 
And while we're at it let's have a look at the team leaders to close it off. 
 
Goals:
1. Kari Jurri--25
2. Maximilian Kirbsson--24
3. Fylo Gibbles/Milan Griffin--11
 
Assists:
1. Maximilian Kirbsson--28
2. Viktor Kozlov--26
3. Kari Jurri--25
 
Points:
1. Maximilian Kirbsson--52
2. Kari Jurri--50
3. Viktor Kozlov--32
 
Plus-minus:
1. Maximilian Kirbsson-- +18
2. Kari Jurri-- +16
3. Viktor Kozlov-- +10
 
Penalty Minutes:
1. Viktor Kozlov--97
2. Jerry Garcia--76
3. Fylo Gibbles--64
 
Hits:
1. Viktor Kozlov--137
2. Jerry Garcia--118
3. Milan Griffin--87
 
Shooting Percentage:
1. Kari Jurri--18.38
2. Maximilian Kirbsson--16.0
3. Jerry Garcia--15.0
 
Shots Blocked:
1. Samuel Sparrow--64
2. Fylo Gibbles--62
3. Jerry Garcia--60
 
Game-Winning Goals:
1. Maximilian Kirbsson--3
2. Callum MacElroy--2
T2. Blake Laughton--2
 
...and there you have it. Do the Bulls have what it takes? State your opinion below!
 

Name: Finn Theismann
Age: 21
Height: 6' 9"
Weight: 220 lbs
Birthplace: Cologne, Germany
 
Finn Theismann, a hefty defenseman from Cologne, hopes to make an impact in the VHL and VHLM at his slightly "old" age for being a rookie. Theismann looks to make himself a threat on any defensive pairing in the league, with an incredibly efficient skating ability and a lethal slap shot. Scouts from Germany have uncovered the following attributes about the German defenseman:
 
Skating:
"I haven't seen a defenseman move the puck that smoothly since Lidstrom retired." - Alex Zajac, VHL Scout
Theismann, for his size, is one of the smoothest skaters anyone has ever seen come out of the German youth leagues. No matter which situation he's thrust in to, no matter the score, no matter who's in front of him, Finn will find some sort of way to glide through anyone with ease. His secret? He lets his momentum carry him most of the way through, and only strides when necessary.
Shooting:
Fun fact: while writing this report during a practice session, Finn's slap shot cracked a piece of the glass right above the goal he was shooting on. Finn says that one of the main parts of his success have come from his shot. "Although the wrist shot isn't up to par with the slap shot, my shooting has been one of the main focal points of my game. Without it, I don't know if I'd be in this position and given the opportunity to be picked up by a VHL or VHLM team."
 
Puck Handling:
The bread to his skating butter, Finn's puck handling is another big reason why his defensive game looks so effortless. Even though he can't pull off the ridiculous dangles you see forwards do from time to time, he is still able to make the necessary moves to get himself out of a tough spot. 
 
Of course, everything about Theismann's game isn't the greatest. Scouts have noted a few weaknesses about his game:
 
Physical:
You would think a man of his size would be there to stand up for his teammates whenever he feels they've been fouled, correct? Wrong. Although Finn will step in to protect any of his teammates, he won't be the first man in ready to chuck knuckles. "I'm terrified of fighting," he opened up in a scouting interview. "Yes, fighting is an integral part of hockey, but I don't want to risk suffering any long-term injuries when attempting to fight someone, bigger or smaller than me."
 
Checking:
Scouts notice that Finn holds up when going to check someone, and doesn't really hit them with all of his body weight. "It's just like the physical aspect of my game, I don't want to possibly break myself throwing a stupid check." He quotes Adam McQuaid throwing himself into the boards in the 2011 Eastern Conference Quarterfinals as the reason he fears throwing huge body checks around.
 
Discipline:
While his puck handling and skating skills make up for this, Theismann tends to take incredibly stupid penalties at the worst times. He claims that he is working to remedy this situation, however. Thankfully for most teams, Finn won't be flying off the handle and completely melting down when taking too many penalties.
(552 words)

Prior to the recent first meeting between Houston and Halifax, many fans of both teams found themselves patiently expecting a hard fought, tough contest, and that’s exactly what they received. The Bulls eventually triumphed over the 21st 4-3, with Bulls defenseman Jerry Garcia notching his second goal of the season seven minutes into the third period to win the game. Bulls forward Callum MacElroy, appeared on the scoresheet as well, as the primary assist of that game winning goal. The RW and alternate captain has been somewhat vocal about his disdain for Halifax as both a city and a team, and was quoted prior to the game as saying “Aam gonnae it thaur tae kick their asses.” Following the game, he was reported to be “Huir uv a excited.” While reporters have as of yet been unable to discern exactly what that means, it’s almost certainly a good thing. There’s quite some time until Halifax and Houston meet again, but MacElroy’s excitement doesn’t seem to have waned, and watching the rivalry unfold will be an entertaining narrative throughout the VHLM season.

The Houston Bulls and Halifax 21st finally met on Saturday, after a good deal of hype as many Houston players came forward to document their unpleasant experiences with not only the 21st but the city of Halifax in general. Any viewer of this game would have expected a hard, physical, competitive matchup, with both sides doing all they could to put the other in their place. 
 
But all expectations fell short of what ultimately happened during the pregame warmup in Halifax that night.
 
Five minutes in, the lights in the arena shut off, and thick clouds of incense descended from the Halifax general managers' private box. Somebody down on the ice struck a match, and a scarecrow wearing Beau Buefordsson's #42 Houston Jersey was burned at the stake while Halifax players skated around it. By some Houston players' accounts, they were singing the Halo theme song. "I know the Halo theme song has gotten to be a bit of a joke lately on the Internet," said Buefordsson, who had to be disguised to get through security at Halifax Stanfield International Airport, "But it was scary. I took it as a bit of a threat; I didn't know whether this was normal Halifax behavior or if they were trying to send some sort of message or what." 
 
For the record, it didn't work--Halifax lost 4-3 on a third-period goal by Buefordsson's linemate, defenseman Jerry Garcia, who Halifax famously considered in the draft but let slip into the 5th round, where he was ultimately picked up by Houston.

Halifax players, coaches, and management collectively avoided the topic during postgame interviews.

VHL.COM- Houston, Texas
By Gloria Borger II
 
We've all had that nightmare. We have an important job and the alarm clock doesn't go off, or we forget our pants. Earlier this week, starting Houston Bulls goaltender, Owen May had his nightmare become reality. On his way to the game against the Yukon Rush, Owen May's car got a flat tire and spun out. May was luckily uninjured but was left without transportation May was forced to call for a taxi. However, May's phone was broken from being thrown around in the car. Sitting alone on the highway, May checked his watch...two hours before game time. May begun to panic and started attempting to wave down passing cars. Unfortunately no one would stop. 
 
While the Houston Bulls have attracted moderate attention in the rink, the players are relatively unknown. By no means are they superstars in the city that houses such superstars as Jose Altuve and DeAndre Hopkins. However, a pedestrian came to May's aide. Houston superfan Sergio Ramirez, stopped to help May out. May gave Ramirez tickets to the next two home stands and signed gear. May was seen the next day doing punishment sprints. That didn't stop May from being grateful
 
 

You know it.
 
...Good game though

Aaaaaand here it goes

Philly more like stupid town

starting a petition to make lunx the plural of lynx.

Gustav's articles give me a reason to live.

HOUSTON--Bulls forward Callum MacElroy has gotten quite a bit of media attention lately, and he seems to be embracing it. 
 
Yesterday, MacElroy was contacted by the media for a few comments on the Bulls' long string of games against the Yukon Rush, in which the Bulls have not been particularly impressive but have shown for sure that they deserve recognition as a legitimate contender in their first year of existence. 
 
Instead of answering these questions, an animated (and visibly drunk) MacElroy proceeded to give a comprehensive ranking of every VHLM team's name, talking for upwards of ten minutes for each and more than periodically stopping to chug another can of Deuchars. So, without further ado, here's what hockey's favorite Scotsman had to say about his competitors:
 
8. Halifax 21st
It should come as no surprise to any follower of Houston that the team has already developed burning feelings against Halifax, and MacElroy was no exception, coming forward earlier this week with his own negative pre-draft impressions of the city. Here's what MacElroy had to say, in part, about the 21st:
"Awe rite, noo thes a body sucks. Whit th' heel is a twenty-first anyway? Ye hae tae explain thes nam tae anyain fa hears it coz nobody knows whit it is. It coods be twenty-first century, twenty-first regiment, twenty-first century schizoid cheil, anythin' at aw. E'en if it's guid it still sucks." 
 
7. Ottawa Lynx
Lynx, surprisingly, functions as both the singular and plural forms of lynx (though "lynxes" is actually a valid representation of the plural as well). This wasn't the issue MacElroy had with the name, however. As it turns out, he had done his research on the team before the VHLM draft, and it shows in his lack of appreciation for the name's origins.
"Hoo unoriginal can ye gie? Thaur was awreddy a minur league basebaa team called th' Ottawa Lynx. That's loch if we waur called th' Rockets. Th' lack ay creativity haur makes me want tae jump intae th' Hooston River."
The Houston River is in Louisiana, but we didn't tell him that.
 
6. Minnesota Storm
At this point, MacElroy offered a very drunk (and surprisingly accurate) criticism of American citizens, no matter their region, and explained just how Minnesota's name is a prime example of the American way of thought.
"Thes is whit happens when ye lit americans gab abit weaither. They aw want tae gab abit hoo whaur they bide is sae huir uv a much waur than everythin' else, hoo it's tay hot, tay braw, tay snowy, whatever. Jist swatch at thes name--'ooh, aam frae Minnesota! Swatch at aw uir storms!' Nobody gi'es a jobby."
 
5. Saskatoon Wild
It became clear to us at this point that MacElroy wasn't going to be a fan of many on this list. He disagreed with this name for much the same reason he disagreed with Minnesota's: Western culture.
"An' these Canadians, they're jist loch th' Americans. Ye hink they're aw braw syrup-drinkin' fowk, an' 'en when ye gang thaur they're aw loch 'look at uir bonnie Canadian wilderness!' dae Ah caur? nae! Ah jist want tae play some hockey."
 
4. Philadelphia Reapers
MacElroy addressed the VHLM's other expansion franchise with the tiniest bit of respect, but then threw even that out the window as he reflected on what society as a whole might think.
"Ah dornt see onie problem wi' thes nam, but nobody cares abit reapers anymair. Sure, back when th' irish didne hae onie tatties, th' nam was sure tae make a causey urchin afraid. But 'en Blue Oyster Cult went an' tauld a' fowk nae tae be scared sae noo nobody is. Thes nam sucks tay noo 'at Ah hink abit it."
 
3. Yukon Rush
In much the same way nobody cares about the name "Reapers," MacElroy says, nobody cares about the name "Rush," though at least it has some sort of significance to the area.
"Noo Ah ken 'at back in th' day aw these fowk decided tae freeze themselves inside it tae fin' a bit ay gauld an' gie rich. But hoo mony fowk ur gonnae ken thes? American kids ur gettin' dumber by th' year an' bonnie suin nobody is gonnae min' thes at aw. It's a guid reference, but it ay tooch."
 
2. Las Vegas Aces
MacElroy here had the same issue with this name as he had with Minnesota and Saskatoon, that being an overrepresentation of regional pride, but decided to discount a bit of it due to his own personal interests.
"Noo haur we hae mair americans talkin' abit hoo their city is th' best. It's aw th' fowk in las vegas sayin' 'take a swatch at us, we spend mair bunsens than ye!' Ah loch thes nam, thocht. Ah loch gettin' blooter'd an' gettin' laid an' i've awreddy bloon ben mah contract bunsens. Sae Ah can identify wi' thes a body."
 
1. Houston Bulls
MacElroy put his own team at number one, offering a bit of hometown bias and putting an end to an altogether crazy interview.
"Noo here's th' greatest nam in th' history ay names. Hooston isnae sayin' 'look, we're Hooston! We hae mair bulls than ye!' 'at woods make nae sense. Americans also ken whit a bull is, ur at leest Ah hiner they're nae glaikit enaw nae tae. When Ah saw thes logo fur th' first time, Ah main hae jumped a kilometer in th' air. It makes ye afraid an' it's perfect fur thes league's scariest team."
 
After McElroy finished this last comment (with his volume rising with each one until he was outright screaming by the end) he passed out drunk on his front porch, and reporters left without any further inquiries.