Gustav

Using my "happy birthday VHL" doubles week on this one.

With all the buzz about expansion teams (which is, more or less, simply "every couple weeks someone writes a 'YO WHAT IF WE EXPANDED' article and now I'm doing it too"), it's only fitting that I get in on the action, having never been affiliated with a team that isn't an expansion team. I'm not saying "we should expand," as that's a discussion for another time, and I'm not saying "if we get an expansion team here are the names we should use," either...these are just names that I've come up with that I think are interesting (and we all know that I think "Nuuk Nukes" is a name far superior to anything else, but I've already written about that a few times so I'll leave them out). So here we go, in no particular order, and with apologies to @Motzaburger for saying nothing about Hawaii: Phoenix Firebirds: Here's a bit of a play on words--anyone who knows what a phoenix is will get it instantly. "Firebird" is a cool-sounding team name, and the team name just makes it better. I picture this team's branding to focus on fire itself, not simply because of the team's name but also due to the city of Phoenix and its notorious heat in the year's warmer months (regularly at or above 110 degrees Fahrenheit, or 43 degrees Celsius for my friends who don't use freedom units). An alternate jersey design with cool, icy blue would serve as a wonderful complement to the team's main branding, making this a much better idea than the goddamn Coyotes. Tokyo Katanas: If you're a Sabres fan, this name may seem somewhat familiar. What makes it better here is that not only is the name a hockey reference, but it's a reference to an imaginary player, making it the perfect name for a sim league. The Katanas would also see the league breaking into the Asian market, bringing the league into a worldwide setting and exploring the non-traditional a little bit. And going off of that, I've thought of... Seoul Soul: Why? Why not? It's pretty much the Asian version of the Nuuk Nukes, but I like it. The name also conjures up a picture of the stereotypically vaporwave-y streets of the city, as well as an association with the more spiritual beliefs of traditional Asian culture. You could also say something about the Kia Soul here, but that wasn't really what I was going for. Reykjavik Lights: If you weren't able to deduce this from my love for the Nukes, I love me some far north. And if I can't have Greenland, why not go for the slightly more civilized Iceland instead? The name calls upon, you guessed it, the aurora borealis, or northern lights, one of nature's more mysterious (and, might I add, psychedelic) phenomena. The lights can be seen in Iceland, and with a population of over 100,000, the city is a conceivable home to a small-market hockey team, especially when no others are near it. The country is not as remote as it seems, though--Iceland serves as a nice bridge between North America and Europe, and would make sense geographically if it were to be chosen as an expansion location. This one could also be sort of vaporwave-y in branding, but the potential for jerseys and color schemes is unlimited. Greenland Glaciers: OK, so I lied about not putting a team in Greenland. This is basically the Nukes, but a bit more marketable to an audience that doesn't love that sort of naming strategy. First of all, if we're talking about convenience, Greenland's got it--surprisingly, it's directly in the path of many flights from North American countries to destinations in Europe, as degrees of longitude are far more easily traversed up near the poles. A flight from New Orleans to London crosses the southern tip of the country, while just about any flight which stops in (ahem) Reykjavik on its way to Europe will end up flying right over Greenland. So, a team in Greenland isn't too far north. On the contrary, it is, like Reykjavik, in a great spot for teams traveling back and forth between the two continents. While one could put this team in Nuuk, home to an actual airport and a university, other options are available, like Sisimiut, North America's largest Arctic city, and Ittoqqortoormiit, a rare town in Eastern Greenland for fans of the super-remote. And now let me shut up about Greenland before I write a media spot all about this team. Cancun Warriors: The VHLM already has a team in Mexico, so why not add another? The name "warriors" has real meaning here--I've chosen to name the team after Vicente Guerrero (guerrero is "warrior" in Spanish), a leading general in the Mexican War of Independence, and later briefly the President of Mexico, who was written out of many history books on account of his race. I've chosen Cancun here as (well, Mexico City is taken, but) it is a popular vacation destination for many, even during the winter, and a team there could end up thriving much like the NHL's Vegas Golden Knights in terms of attendance, branding, and revenue. Potential uniforms may be similar to the navy blue of the Mexican revolutionaries, or they may be built off of the red, white, and green of the modern Mexican flag. Lagos Leopards: The league here breaks into the African market by establishing itself in Lagos, Nigeria's largest city at over 8 million people. Nigeria is a country on the rise--their fourth republic in under fifty years was established in 1999, but the country (7th-most populated in the world!) has become increasingly stable since, and the city of Lagos is no exception, with prisons being turned into concert venues and recent plans for development seeing the possibility of the rapidly-growing city becoming, more or less, Africa's New York. I decided to draw the team's name from wildlife native to the country--I decided against "Lions" because of a potential conflict of interest with Riga's branding, but "Hyenas" or "Vultures" are viable names for a Lagos-based team as well. Oklahoma Thicc Bois: No, I'm not actually serious about this one. I just kind of hit a wall here. London Enforcers: I've heard talk about London having been a consideration for league expansion in the past, and here's that idea brought up once again. I could have called this team the "bulldogs," but "bulldogs," no matter the location or context, is just too generic for my liking. Instead, I've decided upon "enforcers," modeled after the Queen's Guard in both spirit and branding. Apart from the Wranglers, the league doesn't have a red team, and there's certainly room for another if the branding is different enough. Zurich Vultures: The bearded vulture is a large bird of prey native to Switzerland (and many other different areas of Asia and Africa as well). This team would represent the VHL's second Swiss team, but I like the idea--another centrally-located team in Europe could give the European conference a bit of a better sense of identity, with lots of potential for a rivalry with Davos. Zurich, too, is a far more significant city than Davos--its population of over 400,000, and status as one of the world's leading financial cities, beats out Davos' population of under 11,000 and, well, lack of status as a globally recognized city of importance. Besides, HC Davos is already an actual hockey team, so if two Swiss teams aren't what the league wants, consider this a petition for relocation rather than expansion. Norilsk Miners: Here I go again, throwing out a team from the far, far north. Take every negative stereotype about Russia you have--incredibly cold, polluted, run-down, all that good stuff, and throw it all together into one place. Boom, you have Norilsk (interesting video here), the world's northernmost large city at around 177,000 people, in the middle of absolutely nowhere, with no way to enter on land. Norilsk was built by prisoners on Siberia's permafrost in the 1930s to satisfy wartime demand for metal, and is notoriously practically run by Norilsk Nickel, the world's largest metallurgy complex. There's smoke in the air constantly, and a recent accident caused a river in the city to turn bright red. Nobody in their right mind would actually go and put a hockey team here, but it's interesting to think about. Sydney Sailors: I continue my journey into the unexplored (at least, as far as hockey is concerned) by proposing our first Australian team, to be placed in arguably the most well-known Australian city, Sydney. I find the logo potential here quite expansive--we could go anywhere from a person to a boat to even something more abstract, halfway between a group of sailboats and Sydney's well-known Opera House. I've named the team the Sailors due to Sydney's coastal placement and noteworthiness of its large harbor, and as our drafts this season were (hypothetically) held in Sydney, a team there could be quite fitting. Jakarta Vipers: Indonesia? Sure, why not? Indonesia doesn't get enough credit. Jakarta, its capital, is home to over 9 million people, while Indonesia is actually the 4th-most populated country in the world. It's a perfect representation of both Southeast Asia and Oceania, and it's also home to several species of snakes, vipers among them, giving the team a perfect name. Jerseys can be bright green, teal-blue, or any other island-y color to your liking. Beijing Dragons: Originally I was going to call this team the Shanghai Dragons, but it turns out that's already the name of a well-known competitive Overwatch team. Anyone who knows anything about Chinese culture knows that the dragon is significant, and while @tfong could probably tell me a lot more about the dragon off the top of his head, a quik look at Wikipedia shows that the dragon, traditionally, was a symbol of power and was associated with the Chinese Emperor. As well, particularly good or noteworthy people were often compared to dragons. Both of these, combined, are great reasons to consider the dragon as a team symbol, and China as a potential location. Berlin Wildcats: Here was another moment where I decided to look up animals native to Germany, after thinking about everything I know about the history and culture of the region and getting nothing but angry old Christians and Nazis (I know there's a lot more, and a lot better, but I've forgotten all of it). Anyway, the European wildcat is native to Germany, and while I wanted to call this team the Foresters as a reference to the Black Forest, it turns out that Berlin is nowhere near the Black Forest, so Wildcats it is. But that leads us to... Stuttgart Foresters: see above. Santiago Stonemasons: I was going to call this team the Emperors, but figured that might be a bit too close to our Mexico City Kings. Then, I was going to go with Empire, but figured that might be a bit too close to our Riga Reign. Anyway, if you can find a name of ours too close to "Stonemasons," let me know. I decided on this name because the Incas (that link shouldn't really be necessary, so for the sake of throwing in something interesting, let me introduce you to Frank Zappa's "Inca Roads," a personal favorite of mine), like many other ancient civilizations, were well-known for their stone architecture (as can be seen in Machu Picchu, where care was taken to make stones fit together exactly--check out this bad boy). Yeah, it's another inconvenient/unconventional location, but I find It interesting, and I had to put at least one team in South America anyway. San Francisco Peacemakers: There's no NHL team in San Francisco, which I find surprising since they've got a team in each of the three other major sports leagues popular in the States. So, why not a VHL team? The name "Peacemakers" exudes a sense of formality and stern protection, while also alluding to the "make love, not war" spirit of the counterculture, which found a hub in the city in the late '60s and hasn't quite left to this day (fun fact: the Grateful Dead lived in the same house in San Francisco for three years). Potential uniforms may end up all dark and official-looking, but a flower-power alternate jersey wouldn't be out of the question. Montreal Cardinals: The Quebec City Meute decided to get right out of the province, but why not give it another shot? After all, we've tried Sweden at least three or four times now. I tried to find a Canadian city that hasn't been used yet, and I think Montreal hasn't, but it probably has at some point. Anyway, I gave the team the name of "Cardinals" because I don't know anything about Montreal other than that it is graced by the majestic presence of @Esso2264, so I went with the wildlife thing again. "Cardinals" is the closest this league will ever get to "drunk birds," anyway. Edmonton Cougars: Here's the wildlife thing yet again, and here's another Canadian city I'm hoping hasn't been used yet. All I happen to know about Edmonton is that it has a bridge or two, and "Bridgebuilders" just didn't sound right. Oh well, "Cougars" is a nice-sounding team name, and one that isn't overused. I like it, and it's one of the more realistic on this list. Word count: >2200, will claim for 4 weeks if I feel like it but I doubt that will ever happen.

Hi @TukTukTheGreat! I see you've been brought in by the guy we just signed, and I'd like to have you along for the ride in Mississauga. Keep in mind that, if you sign with us, we won't be a very good team, so don't come here if you're not OK with that. If you are, though, we're a super fun bunch, and our locker room will give you all the help you need to be successful! If this sounds good to you, feel free to quote this offer and say "accepted" to join the team. Welcome to the league!

"VHL.com article" Wonderful work @Motzaburger! Certainly beats what I'm working on at the moment.

What? A center? We have no centers. Please sign with us. Sign with whoever you'd like, but @berocka wasn't kidding about that ice time.

Randoms better put up some numbers for my fantasy team.

@rjfryman thanks for keeping this list updated! It's interesting to look at every now and then, and will likely prove useful in a future article of mine...

For the week ending 8/4... 1. Fill me in on what happened last week, when I wasn't on the site. 2. You can pick any person, real or fictional, to join our team (it doesn't have to be a hockey player). Who do you choose and why? 3. Do you know much about VHL teams at the moment? Who do you hope drafts you next season? 4. Let's say it's eight seasons from now and you're making a second player. Do you have any ideas in particular? 5. Let's also say the league is expanding, and you can put a new team wherever you want. Where do you put it, and what do you name it? 6. Every season, jobs in management open up in the VHLM, whether it's a GM job or an AGM job. If one of these opens up, would you be interested in applying? Any teams in particular you'd like to manage? @hewasajazzman @JeffD @HanManHimself @Vuuna Haaka @Banana2311 @Jwarner0722 @maximlab @chrissyl93 @Liberty_Cabbage @Radcow @BaReZ_Regrets

Not applying, but if you're hired and you take it seriously it's a great hands-on management experience. Good luck to everyone applying here!

I want someone who's active and earning. If someone is 199 TPE and inactive, sure, they'll help my team more than anyone else, and probably for more than one season. That doesn't send the right message, though--I want my team to have a good time, and being stuck behind someone who doesn't even know they're doing well isn't the way to accomplish that. A few, actually... -If someone on the Hounds takes a management role elsewhere, or if they step down from a Hounds management role, they're given the role of "Traitorous Filth" in our locker room. -The entire team, myself included, worships @Esso2264 and spams a Drunk Bird emoji that I made, for reasons unknown to any of us. -Our players are well-known for dabbing (or maybe it's just @Radcow). -We also happen to worship (and mourn the current nonexistence of) THE HOUND, our original computer-generated backup goalie. I actually know nothing about the Canadian Hockey league, so I'll have to buy a drunk monkey and have it throw a dart at a map for that one. ...and if you mean the Founders Cup, Philly has the deep roster and all the 200-TPE players, but to make things interesting I'm going to say Yukon wins it all. I'm going to go with Jeff Downey. Great guy to have around in the locker room and he's got a decent build going. I'm optimistic about a few other promising new guys, but Downey has taken the cake so far. I would love--love--to see a team called the Nuuk Nukes, based in Nuuk, Greenland. I've pushed for this quite a few times, although I doubt it will ever seriously happen. I've got a couple guys in mind, but revealing them here, publicly, may be giving a bit too much away. A few old teammates, and a few guys who aren't old teammates but who I've gotten to know well enough regardless. We're not going to win this season, so I'd love to bring in some guys who I know will be good for our locker room. As long as it's someone else's bones being crushed and not mine, I'm happy. Checks to see if I'm still at the top Probably not, but I see myself being close when the season ends. I'm developing nicely and maybe I'll be up at #1 at some point in the future. I thought Cherry Garcia was already our official ice cream flavor. I want to win a few individual awards for defensemen. I think getting "best defenseman" in some season would be an honor certainly worthy of satisfaction. Thanks for the questions!

FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY

@HenrikZoiderberg I forgot all about this! Well done, it's interesting to look at my thought process last season in writing, seeing what's changed, what hasn't...thanks for the interview.

But this is your chance to start a sweet sweet mutiny!

Nah, he's gen z. Doesn't have the attention span for that.

This may be the first time I've written an extended article and claimed every week of it. I'm ashamed. Anyway, claiming this bad boy for week 3.

Nice

I recently pressured @Nykonax into doing a controlled experiment with leadership being the only variable, and it didn't do much. Some people have done other things, looked at other things, etc. and found some sort of correlation there, but repeated sims between identical teams, with one having a higher leadership rating, does not give one an advantage as far as nyko or I can tell.

I considered tagging him lol. Also: Here are the rules, which I forgot to link in the above and won't be editing in because I don't want to tag everyone again. You can still sign up, if you'd like.

I know I promised to get this up last week, but I forgot all about it before I decided to become dead to the VHL world until right about now. In the future, these threads will go up Sunday or Monday, but I'm starting this one a bit earlier due to all the nonexistence on my part over the past week. Anyway, here's our first one... Roast me. I have a lot of posts and am allegedly an S tier clown. Joined in October, been a vhlm gm and other stuff Yep, we're roasting our boy @Nykonax. Have at it and don't hold back. Tagging all those who signed up to be roasted here...if you signed up and don't want to be tagged, or if you didn't sign up and want to be tagged anyway, let me know.

Boo

Bad day as a whole for Johnson, but time to move forward. I'm still optimistic about our chances of being a better team this season. Also #fixthelottery

Really? Two 5-0 shutouts? We're putting the shots on net, they're just not going in... #fixthelottery

It's not all bad. Shots on goal were equal. We just saw one goalie have a good game, while the other one didn't do so hot. I'm excited to watch as Michael Johnson develops! #fixthelottery

Hello @PotatoKing and welcome to the VHL! I'm GustavMattias, GM of the Mississauga Hounds, and I've got a proposition for you... I'm writing here because I'm interested in taking you on as a member of our team this season. To start, you'd be on our second line, with lots of potential to even move up to the first if you're active enough! This comes with a bit of a catch--we're not a good team this season and won't be winning many games. But, if you'd like lots of ice time, along with an active locker room, we'd love to have you! Simply quote my post and say "accepted" to hop on board (and, should you do that, please tag my AGM, @berocka, as well, as I'll be out of town and off the site for some time soon). If what we're offering isn't your thing, you're always free to wait for other teams to make offers as well. No matter which team you join, good luck, and feel free to ask questions! -Gustav