bigAL

I like to do my reviews in the forms of two stars and a wish: ? I love that you ask the hard, existential questions: what is experience? ? Great job incorporating player and other teammates - the more people involved, the merrier! ~? I wish that had some answers to those big deep questions! Overall, really well done!

As the Minnesota Storm get off to a hot start to S72, one of their big-ticket draft picks has been struggling to make his presence known. “I know I was running my mouth big time before the draft, but damn, it’s been humbling down here on the third line,” lamented Dood after 4-1 win in Philadelphia. The Storm have been playing very well so far in S72. In eight games, the Storm have scored 4 or more goals in six games, including lighting the lamp six times on two different occasions. Despite all that offensive firepower, Groovy Dood has been held to one assist and a -1 rating on the year. Dood was asked if he thought it was his role on the team that has led to his poor showing: “I don’t want to blame management, but I thought I made it pretty clear to them that I only wanted to play in Miami,” Dood said definitively. Reports in the scrum gasped, and he seemed to notice the effect his words had, and he continued: “But now that I’m here, I’ve met the boys, gotten to know coach, and the paycheque cleared. I’m happy here now, but give ol’ Groovy a little bit of leeway as I adjust to the weather in Minnesota.” It’s not like Groovy Dood has been invisible though. He has been perfectly serviceable on the third line in a predominantly checking role. With six hits and four PIMs, he’s not going unnoticed on the ice: he just isn’t playing up to his offensive standards. The Storm will need Groovy Dood to heat up next week as they run into some hot teams, including Ottawa, Las Vegas, and Mexico City, among others. word count: 297

Nice! G - Bernard

D - Paddywagon

Gotta defend the W, I’m in!

alright, now that I've seen a game run from start to finish, I think I have a handle on what I did wrong and how to do better next time. Not that it made a difference, we still won Team Town!!!

wow, that's a hell of a compliment. Atta be dart!

Way to show the haters that the VHLM can be a good career option too! You'll be in the big league in no time Lamby

Goddamnit this is hard!!! Yes sorry, forgot it's only 3F 2D 1G - I see the live updates now. D - Smitty Werbenjagermanjensen

F - Ambrose Stark F - John Frostbeard @ dunno who's next now??

Matte Socks! Don’t listen to these schmucks, the team you really want to join is the Miami Marauders! Were the newest VHL Franchise, playing our first games EVER today. We plan on being a VGK like expansion team, where we have a lot of fun and gamble a lot. We’re in need of a good, solid puck moving defender to man our second pairing. If you want to join an active team locker room, where having fun and enjoying the team is just as important as winning the games, you will quote this post and say “ACCEPT!” Doing so will also net you a $1.5M contract!

F - Zoidberg G - Johnson @GrittyIsKing09

hahaha I thought it was so great that we met draft night. We're so similar we could've been best friends, but instead now we're arch enemies. I'm coming back for my pirate hat WOLF!

yes GM sir boss sir, I can certainly do that. I can't wait for the first MIA-MIN game!

I mean, he was created literally one month ago. In the canon though, he's been a Miami fan as long as he's known about the VHL

ah crap I'm sorry guys, I don't know my VHL players well enough to do a fantasy draft. @McWolf can i autodraft or do BPA for all of my picks?

Groovy Dood’s Wild Draft Night Groovy Dood was beaming as he pulled his brand new Minnesota Storm jersey over top of his Miami Marauders hoodie. Dood knew how big of a deal it was to be drafted to the State of Hockey, but he was having a hard time enjoying it. Groovy Dood was a lifelong Miami Marauders fan. As long as he knew about the VHL, Dood was fascinated with the Miami Marauders. The first VHL logo he saw was the majestic skeleton captain, decked out its menacing black and red pirate hat. “It’s just so damn cool,” he was quoted as saying at the time. “The captain is a skeleton, but ALSO a pirate! How cool is that??” Groovy Dood didn’t know anything about the VHL; he didn’t know there was a VHL and VHLM, he didn’t know about conferences or expansion, and he couldn’t separate the good teams from the bad. He had just clicked on a reddit recruitment page, poked around the forums, saw the expansion hype, and he was in. Groovy Dood was finally graduating from the Northern Ontario Bushwhackin Hockey League to the VHLM, and he was going to be a Miami Marauders fan. The next two weeks were a whirlwind for Groovy Dood. He and his bag full of equipment got dropped off at VHL headquarters by an Uber one day, and he was back on a plane flying to Halifax later that afternoon. Dood skated in six games for the 21st in S71: two regular season matches and an unmemorable sweep at the hands of the eventual champions, the Ottawa Lynx. Groovy was held to one assist and four hits, and was thoroughly underwhelming to the S72 scouts watching the playoffs. He explained that those six games were a training camp for him, and that he would come back bigger and stronger for next year. The fans back home had to wait until May 18th to find out how the VHLM GMs valued his abilities. The offseason went by like a Rocky montage. Groovy Dood did all the right things: punching meat, drinking raw eggs, steroids. Pick things up, put things down. Run here, then run there. Triumphant finale atop the stairs at the River Valley in Edmonton. Epic. Throughout his training season, Groovy Dood kept an eye and an ear on the affairs of the VHL. He learned that Miami was the newest VHLM franchise, so there was a chance of playing there next season. He also learned it was an expansion team, and that no one had ever put on those beautiful uniforms he fell in love with all those days ago. The last piece of juicy intel Dood was able to sniff out was that Miami’s GM, Krice, was in the market for a new best friend. Groovy sent in his application, was obviously selected, and went to sleep the night before the draft confident that he was going to wear the brand-new black and red Marauders uniform the next day. However, in the middle of the night, a bad thing happened. Groovy Dood got up to go pee, and he ended up at the ice machine somehow. After finishing his business, Groovy eyed a blue duotang poking out from underneath the vending machine. He picked it up and looked at the front – CONFIDENTIAL – before gasping, recoiling, and throwing the book back on the ground. Someone very important must have dropped this top-secret book by accident. He didn’t want to get caught breaking any laws the night before his big VHLM draft. Groovy peeked through his fingers to look at the papers again, and made out a signature in the corner of the cover: Rayzor. Groovy Dood started to put the pieces together. He didn’t know many people around the VHL, but he knew Rayzor was the hotshot GM of the Minnesota Storm, and that he was the celebrity host of the draft that night. The notes had to be something draft related, some pretty valuable intellectual property, and something that a lot of powerful people in the league might want to get their hands on. Groovy Dood normally wouldn’t have swiped that intel, but he really looked good in red and black, and really loved the scar across the badass pirate skeleton’s eye. This duotang was his key to getting drafted to the Marauders. As soon as it was socially acceptable, Groovy texted his new BFF MIA GM Krice. “Check your mailbox. See u in Miami - :v:” He turned his phone on quiet and began to prepare for the draft. Groovy spent hours swapping between a black dress shirt with a red tie, or a red dress shirt with a black tie. He put pirate hat after pirate hat onto his thick head, searching for the one that would frame his jawline the best. Groovy looked at his “Edwing” parrot, considered putting it on his shoulder, but thought that might be a bit much. Soon enough, it was time. Groovy Dood ordered an UberX to roll up to the draft in style. He posed on the red carpet with his black and red suit and his pirate hats, but refused to comment about his expectations for the evening. Groovy knew that only first round picks physically go to the draft, and that Miami didn’t pick until the late second round, but he still went to the event anyways. Groovy Dood was so damn excited to become a Miami Marauder. His plan was perfect. Since he had a rough start to his career last season, he had little chance of being taken in the first 30 picks. Around pick 30, once all the known-commodities are picked, BFF MIA GM KR would get up to the mic, hold up his end of the quid pro quo, and announce the newest Miami Marauder: “Grooooooovy Dooooooooooood!” The plan was perfect. Except… Groovy hadn’t heard from his best friend all day. He chalked it up to draft day business and didn’t bother Ricer much. It wasn’t reassuring that Krice hadn’t texted him back after getting the package. The GM would have been pumped to acquire the draft guru’s top secret duotang, and he would be so grateful that he’ll draft Groovy ahead of his projected spot, but as time dragged on, Groovy got more nervous. Still, the plan was perfect. Except… Groovy was starting to fear that he might actually get taken earlier than 30. There had been one other GM calling and asking for an interview. Groovy wanted to keep up the façade, and he liked being wined and dined, so he took the meeting with Minnesota GM Rayzor. “I wonder what that lil duotang of his said about me, anyways,” he thought aloud with a chuckle. All he could do at this point was cross his fingers and hope for the best. The first round went as per the script. The best players were picked first, a few were taken too early, a few were taken too late. Dreams were made and dreams were shattered. It was just the usual draft day roller coaster. By the second round, Groovy was getting tense. He started to see comparable players begin to go off the board. He was seated in the back section with the other draftees who didn’t know anyone else there. Groovy made friends with a guy named Wolf Stansson, and they had a lot in common. Both were brand new, around the similar skill level, and were projected to be drafted near each other. They hung out and made small talk, but the conversation kept circling back to the Miami Marauders and Groovy Dood gushing over their “sweet-ass” jerseys. Wolf thought they were fine kits, but nothing special. Groovy Dood played nice, but fumed on the inside. What Groovy Dood wasn’t hearing was the broadcast audio. Rayzor was hosting the draft show again, but, for the first time ever, doing so without his drafting playbook. He didn’t tell anyone about the missing duotang, but he was keeping a sharp eye out for the other managers. Miami drew special attention to his analytic eye. Krice didn’t have a pick until 23, and so the scouting community expected Miami to pick T.T. Trivium, the lanky defenseman. Instead, the new franchise reached for Andre LeBastard, who had 40 TPE less than the picks made immediately before and after him. Rayzor had marked LeBastard as a mid-round priority target, but here Krice was picking him with his first choice. The suspicious picks continued. Miami selected Kosmo Kramerev with the 26th selection – ahead of R.K. Gee, who had 50 more TPE than Kramerev. Of course, Kramerev was on Rayzor’s radar as the guy who makes the great Seinfeld works, but the expectation was that he’d be available in the third round. Miami drafting him a round early was plausible, but suspicious nonetheless. Meanwhile, the draft number clicked higher and hire. 24. 25. Wolf started to sweat; he wanted to be drafted in the 20s. 26. 27. Groovy’s legs start shaking, thinking and hoping that MIA’s 29th pick could be his magic number. “With the 28th pick in the VHLM draft, the Minnesota Storm pick Groovy Dood!” The crowd erupted, but Groovy was speechless. He was in a daze as he made his way to the podium to get his new jersey. He smiled for the camera, but the colours of his sweater made him sad inside. He gave the right soundbites – “it’s an honour to play in the State of Hockey”, “can’t wait to do a Storm Surge after a big Cup win”, “yeah I definitely love cold, dark, and snowy winters” – but his heart wasn’t in it. As he slunk off the stage, Groovy Dood shot one last look back at Rayzor. The Minnesota GM gave a knowing wink, and Groovy’s stomach sunk. Krice slammed his draft table, ripped up some paper, and walked up to the podium. With the 29th pick, a nervous and trembling Krice announces the newest Miami Marauder: Wolf Stansson. Groovy Dood took off his pirate hat and begrudgingly handed it to Wolf as the two passed in the aisle. Wolf smugly snatched the hat out of Groovy’s hand, and gave it a twirl as he skipped to the stage. By the end of the draft, Groovy Dood has a new VHLM team to play for, and it isn’t his favourite jersey. He has a new GM, and it’s not his best friend. He has a guilty conscious, and a fear that the missing draft duotang might lead to some more trouble. And, most terrifying, Groovy Dood had a league rival: Wolf Stansson. After the draft, Groovy Dood disappeared and his agent fielded questions from the media: “Groovy Dood loves to play hockey, and has been able to compartmentalize his off-ice drama in a way that prevent on-ice issues. Groovy remains committed to giving 110% for the Minnesota Storm, he’ll get pucks in deep, and make sure to roll four lines. He’ll keep racking up the TPE on a track to the VHL. The Minnesota Storm got a good one – give him some time to grieve the loss of Miami and he’ll come around to living in Minnesota. We both know how passionate the fans are in the State of Hockey and how important hockey is to all citizens of the great state of Minnesota. I’ve watched Groovy fall on the floor laughing at the word “Minnetonka”. He’s almost perfected his Minnesotan accent too. He’s going to love it here, and you’re going to love him once he’s comfortable enough to show his personality. ” But the question marks remained. Will Groovy escape the repercussions of his failed draft-day debacle? And how will he handle the crushing disappointment of having his life long dream team be so so close, but fall just out of his grasp? Will he report to Minnesota, or Lindros away his rookie season? We’ll find out in Season 72 of the VHLM… or will we? word count: 2000 on the nose

1. So, are you excited for the draft? Watching it live, or just catching up after the fact? The draft was so much fun. I didn't know many of the names going off the board, but the hosts did a great job of keeping the audience in the know. It felt like the best podcasts feel - a bunch of friends hanging out, talking about the things they are knowledgeable and passionate about. 2. Given our roster, how do you feel about our cup chances? Playoffs or bust baby. Once we're in, it's anyone's game. 3. What has been your offseason training routine? In the off season, I like to lift heavy things up and put them down. I'm happiest cardio training in the woods or on nature trails. 4. Do you relax better with alone time, or getting out and about and doing things? I'm a funny mix of both, I call myself an "outgoing introvert". I like to be social and go out and do things with people, but it's draining. To recharge, I need my quiet alone time doing puzzles (jigsaw, crossword, or chess) or playing xbox 5. Would you rather never talk again, or lose your ability to hear? I could live without hearing. My wife dabbled in audiology, and took me to get my hearing tested the first day she had access to a testing booth. Turns out that my hearing is fine, and my listening is poor. I use a lot of words to say things, so I don't want to lose that ability to speak. 6. Did you always want to be a hockey player? Nah, I hated hockey players growing up. They were a bunch of thick-skulled ape-dummies who couldn't read but got treated like kings because they played for the local Jr. B. team. I'm sure that comes from some deep-seeded resentment for my parents allowing my younger brother to play hockey but not me. Anyways, I've always wanted to be a teacher because I've got a great problem solving and organizing brain, and like to use those skills to make others' dreams come true. Now that I can skate backwards and stop on both sides, I can use that brain to achieve success in hockey! 7. If you didn’t play hockey, what would you do? I'd be a lumberjack, and that's okay. I'd get to sleep all night and work all day.

F - Jungcok @GrittyIsKing09

wait...

It's very quiet... maybe the coven left us alone and went to go murder people in Shelbyville?

Welcome to the inaugural Miami Marauders Press Conference! Right now we don't have any team members, but once you're drafted, come here and introduce yourself by answering these six questions: 1. Why and when did you join the VHL? 2. How do you plan on earning TPE this season? 3. What do you like and/or dislike in a team discord locker room? 4. What strengths do you bring to the Marauders? 5. What's the sports-related achievement you are most proud of? 6. What are you doing to bring you happiness during the pandemic?

VOTE KILL BEROCKA

Love the confidence! Cheechoo looks like he's got what it takes on and off the ice to make a splash in the M this year!

One of us... one of us...