Doomsday

Content: 3/3 - Labatte has nothing on LeBeau and I don't see him being denied a shot at the playoffs this time around. Grammar: 1.5/2 - Definitely rough, found these on top of the already documented errors. Take your time and re-read your work, or even get a teammate to do so. A lot of stuff that would've been easily caught. close to the play-off’s yet = close to the playoffs yet another cup as Toronto Legion member. = another cup as a Toronto Legion member. eachother = each other social media as Twitter soon = social media such as Twitter soon Appearance: 1/1 - Oh yes. Overall: 5.5/6 - FINAL: 6/6

Content: 3/3 - The value in this season for Leitner won't be reaching the playoffs, but growing as a player. He'll take his lumps this year, but he'll be a front-runner for the Funk Trophy next year if he keeps up the hard work. Grammar: 2/2 - Nothing here. Appearance: 1/1 - Good good. Overall: 6/6 - Well done!

Replace "Bills" with "Cowboys" and this is pretty much me.

Unknown Assailants Pulverize Taylor COLOGNE, GERMANY - Kameron Taylor, star center and team captain of the Cologne Express, was found beaten senseless in a back alley just a block away from the Rotes Bierhaus, a prominent pub in Cologne. Although details of his injuries have not been released, he is believed to have sustained a concussion from the vicious attack. Perhaps the most mysterious aspect of it is that there are precisely zero leads on who the attacker or attackers were. "It's very strange, very bizarre," said Cologne's Chief of Police, Jens Brubaker. "Taylor is a very well-respected figure here in Cologne and I don't understand why he would be targeted for such a heinous, cowardly attack like this." The only clues that investigators have to work with are a seemingly endless amount of scribble left on Taylor. Oddly enough, virtually all of the words that were written on his body are misspelled, including such words as, "phag," "panisfayce," "cookgoobler" and "dangus." Only the phrase, "Correct these or the beatings will continue," was spelled correctly. Since injuries do not exist in the VHL universe, Taylor will be suiting up tonight unless Jardy doesn't sim the file again, at which point he will likely just sit at home and continue to discover his penis. Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times and a best-selling author. He enjoys purveying dick jokes, admiring the people in this world that are actually good and decent and fanatically remembering Alex Lewis.

If you're not going to help, then piss off.

This is a good way to get your stuff graded last, punk.

Schizophrenia In Seattle? SEATTLE - In need of a job in the Victory Hockey League? The Seattle Bears want you! Just kidding, no they don't. They actually think you suck, that's why you don't have a job. But then again, they do think you're pretty rad and could use you. What's going on? If you've been listening to XM Radio the last few days, you've likely heard these bizarre, contradictory ads put out by the Seattle Bears. But what in the Sam Hill is going on? The Bears are a young team with a solid core to build upon. An excellent place for young talent to head to as they are shaping up to be a force for seasons to come. Or you could listen to the negatory ad and instead go to the Cologne Express, quite possibly the VHL's least favorite destination in free agency. Seems as if they've accepted that their only way to attract free agents is to make the other teams considerably less favorable, a tactic that Ilya Bryzgalov used to great success last year. But really, is this worth all the trouble that it's being made out to be? Clearly it is, considering you just read this article. So do the sensible thing: don't join either team. Just go to Davos and laugh at the league from afar on their glorious throne. Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, making him approximately 67.82% better than you according to science. He enjoys launching soda bottles into orbit, sharing the joy of Bill Nye the Science Guy with children worldwide and publicly masturbating.

Mason Still Hounded Over Numbers NEW YORK - Despite moving on to the world of hockey after ending his military career, the past of Jack Mason continues to haunt him. Or rather, it would be if it actually was his own past that was tormenting him. Instead, the New York Americans' defender continues to battle the demons of war, the nightmarish season his team is enduring and persistent dogging over matters he knows nothing about. "Look," exclaimed Mason angrily at a press conference. "I've seen men I've known for years die before my eyes. I've been on the receiving end of a 10-1 opening night loss, an 11-0 loss and losses by nine points at our own arena. I know horror. I know tragedy. But I know nothing about these goddamn numbers you keep asking me about!" He's referring, of course, to the sequence of numbers hiding a secret as seen by Captain Alex Mason in the Call of Duty series of video games. During an interrogation sequence, the interrogator barks, "The numbers, Mason! What do they mean?" This question has naturally been repeated to Jack Mason hundreds of times, despite it actually occurring to an entirely different Mason: one who does not even exist. "I wasn't around for the Cold War," bellowed Mason. "I did not tussle with any Ruskies or Chinamen or anything of the like. I don't know of any secret codes other than the one to get into my damn locker." New York's general manager, Christopher Miller, seemed rather peeved himself when asked about Mason's trials. "It's starting to get pretty annoying," said Miller. "I mean, all the losing is one thing, but it's another thing to see one of your players getting mercilessly badgered over something as stupid as that. It's bad enough for him to hear about it from random jackasses in the media, but to be on the ice and have opposing players keep asking him what the numbers mean? That's terrible." Captain Bacon, a teammate in New York, seems to enjoy the situation even more than Mason's on-ice opponents. "Are you kidding? We love messing with the guy," said Bacon, who does not appear to have actually attained the rank of captain in the Canadian military. "We'll rig up the locker room to start blaring loud voices demanding to know what the numbers are, Ugot Change will start to chase him around making random guesses at what they mean and Bossman Johnson just keeps showing his penis to Jack. It's weird, but it sure seems to bug him." When pressed as to why they would go so far out of their way to harass and traumatize a teammate, Bacon had a plain, yet tasty answer. "Nobody wants to be remembered as the guy with the worst plus/minus rating," said Bacon with absolutely zero hesitation. "Add to it that he's always on the ice and makes a lot of defensive miscues, messing with his head just seals his fate." Through 34 games, Mason's -59 is good for last in the VHL. The nearest competitor? Ugot Change, with -49 and a mean streak of tormenting poor Jack Mason. It's a good thing that the VHL offers such an excellent health care and pension program, for the poor man is certainly going to need it by the time he hangs up his skates. Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, because the Madden Simulation Football League will never die. He enjoys people watching, designing elaborate torture houses on the Sims and trying to train his pet lamp to curb-stomp the alphabet.

Content: 3/3 - Pretty awesome article giving great insight towards the frustrations of your player. I doubt Cologne will let you go easily, so I hope you do like it there, since you're probably going to become a big-time part of their franchise. Grammar: 2/2 - Just one little thing I caught: stupid Free Agents = stupid free agents Appearance: 1/1 - DAAAA RAAAIIIIDDDDAAAASSSSSS Overall: 6/6 - Well done sir.

Content: 3/3 - You're going to totally rule the VHL and everybody who doesn't believe that is a sillyhead. On pace for an excellent rookie year and you'll likely be among the VHL leaders in goals next season already. Grammar: 2/2 - I didn't see a single mistake. Great job! Appearance: 1/1 - Yessum! Overall: 6/6 - Well done.

Content: 3/3 - Entertaining read about some controversial members, can't say I wasn't amused and you went beyond what was required as well. Grammar: 2/2 - A couple mistakes here and there, but nothing overly serious. considered a art form = considered an art form Born in Moscow Russia = Born in Moscow, Russia had seen a chance in the once very sociable = had seen a change in the once very sociable Taylor The longest serving member = Taylor, the longest serving member full blow shit flinging show = full blown shit flinging show Appearance: 1/1 - HULK SMASH ROOMMATE'S SEX BED! Overall: 6/6 - Yep.

Content: 3/3 - Well-written and detailed look into the success the Lynx had in the early goings of the season. Well done! Grammar: 2/2 - Only one small thing to note. Otherwise, pretty damn good. noting, “these guys = noting, “These guys Appearance: 1/1 - Jawohl! Overall: 6/6 -

Content: 3/3 - The VHL has a great crop of rookies this year and they're an awesome bunch. Always awesome to see their play in the sim reflect the hard work they put in and they've gotten off to a really nice start this year. Grammar: 2/2 - Just a few minor things: 3.65GAA and .870SV% = 3.65 GAA and .870 SV% 203 pound Miami, Fla. Native = 203 pound Miami, Fla. native Appearance: 1/1 - You got it! Overall: 6/6 - Good good!

Content: 3/3 - You made compelling arguments for your rankings and did so without fluff. Can't ask for much more other than complimentary wine with readings. Grammar: 2/2 - Spotless. Appearance: 1/1 - Good good. Being near-sighted, the text size doesn't bug me. Overall: 6/6 - Good job kemosabe. FINAL: 6/6

Content: 3/3 - Davey Jones is the best-kept secret of the VHL. He was a blast to have as a teammate in Bratislava and I was hoping to get to play with him again in the bigs. From the day he came to the VHL, I knew that he would be a force to be reckoned with. Grammar: 2/2 - Didn't see a thing, well done. Appearance: 1/1 - Yessum. Overall: 6/6 - All that and a big bag of chips.

Content: 3/3 - Fantastic, in-depth look at the cases to re-name some of the VHLM Awards. Although, out of curiosity, shouldn't the VHLM Awards be named after players with legendary performances/careers in the VHLM itself? Grammar: 2/2 - Flawless as usual. Appearance: 1/1 - Absolutely. Overall: 6/6 - Stellar work.

Content: 3/3 - LeBeau rocked last season and it was great to see him get some due credit, especially on a team that didn't make the playoffs. Best of luck making it two in a row this year! Grammar: 2/2 - Didn't see a single thing wrong. Great work. Appearance: 1/1 - Definitely! Overall: 6/6 - Well done sir. FINAL: 6/6

Content: 2/3 - I counted even less than the bare-minimum 452 you claimed (I got 424 not counting the title). On top of the numerous grammatical errors, two points is generous here. Grammar: 0/2 - Here's just a handful of the stuff going wrong here: He will talk too about Turku and Davos. = He will also talk about Turku and Davos. „Hey Ladie and Gentlements = Hey ladies and gentlemen i = I (When referring to yourself, I is always capitalized.) i wll give all what i can for my comeback. = I will give all that I can for my comeback. a Rebuild Team, = a rebuilding Team, the best Scoring Center of the league = the best scoring center in the league I don't know if English is your first language, but if you're having difficulty with your writing, I would suggest asking someone to help with proofreading your work. I would be happy to help out with it if you'd like. Appearance: 0/1 - Yyyyyup! Overall: 3/6 - Don't worry, there is nowhere to go but up from here.

VHL Attempts To Launch New Welfare Website, Fails NEW YORK - Hot off the heels of the United States government's embarrassing debacle with the debut of the Affordable Care Act's website, the Victory Hockey League has encountered a similar dilemma, through no sheer act of flattery. "We were told that the site had been properly tested and that everything was a go," said VHL representative Baxter Manfrey. "Apparently someone did not do their job or someone did not want this website to succeed." Already having been the victim of an alleged DDOS attack, the VHL again has wound up with a metaphorical egg on their face as hundreds of players trying to register for the new VHL welfare/pension program discovered that the website simply could not handle the sudden influx of users. "Daggum thing never loaded," said an irate Ron Dayne III. Quickly hoping to divert from the disaster, the VHL set up a phone line in order to help the players through the issue. However, all resolutions apparently required the website, which was already not working. "How am I supposed to feed my family?" wailed a despondent Alex Rawnsley outside of the league's headquarters. For now, plenty of eggs can be found at the same location. Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, not a dentist as previously believed. He enjoys taking great joy in leaving trash in the neighbor's yard, reading Clifford books and hoarding all the candy for himself. (Claiming for last week unless told otherwise.)

Landry Has Amnesia? DAVOS - Season 35 of the Victory Hockey League is already 27 games old for the Davos Dynamo. However, it seems as if one of their players has only just recently become aware of that fact. More startling is the fact that this player is second in points for the resurgent Davos squad, who are on pace to reach the playoffs just a season after finishing dead-last in the entire league. It is, of course, Thomas Landry, the sophomore winger who suddenly seemed to vanish from the league's spotlight weeks ago. "It's the most bizarre thing," said a clearly confused Landry after a team practice. "The last thing I remember, the season was about to begin, I was so excited to be with the Dynamo and ready to go out and do my best, and suddenly... nothing. It's as if nothing existed anymore. Everything was so... different and foreign. I felt completely out of my element and nothing seemed to have a purpose. Then, out of nowhere... things mostly returned to normal. I don't understand it." Rumors wildly circulated during his absence, including that he had been kidnapped, forcing Davos to send a body double to play in his place and that he was a troll sent to tie up Davos' finances, then simply vanish. Although many were prepared for the worst, it seems as if Thomas Landry is back at the Dynamo's team facilities, catching up with his teammates and preparing for the next game. "I don't know what happened or where he's been," said teammate Tony Stark. "All that matters is that he found his way back and I could not be happier about that." Team doctors believe that a traumatic incident caused Landry to experience a temporary stint of amnesia, although they have no idea what could have possibly caused it. "To be quite frank, your guess is as good as ours at this point in time," said Dr. Peter Bongstein. "We just don't know precisely when it was that the amnesia symptoms began or what it was he was doing. Anything we say at this point would just be wild speculation." Doctors could also not explain how Landry was able to continue to suit up and play for Davos while being out of his mind, especially when asked to explain how he could manage to excel in that condition. "I'm aware it doesn't make sense," continued Dr. Bongstein. "But really, who knows what was going through the guy's head? The man's been playing hockey for years upon years, so I must imagine that it's very ingrained into his psyche. Similar to how people can always remember to ride a bicycle." Landry regaining his senses could prove to be a big boost for the Dynamo, especially considering how he has already nearly equaled his point total in Season 34 in just over a third of the season. But then again, with how Landry has played being out of it, will he return to his form from last season, where he averaged a third of a point a game? "I'm not worried about that at all," said Davos' general manager, Victor Alfredsson. "He's a much better player at this point of his career than he was last season, so I think him figuring it out will only add to his production. For all we know, he was only playing at half of his ability level all this time." Landry's quest to regain his form will begin against the visiting Toronto Legion whenever Jardy decides to sim the file. Jethro Novacek is a writer for the MSFL Times, which continues to survive against any and all odds. He enjoys a nice Chianti, smashing mailboxes with Lou Piniella and making all the reservations at Dorsia that he wishes to. (Counting this for last week unless I'm told otherwise.)

VHLM GM (Oslo Storm) Grader (MS) Locker Rooms: Davos New York Oslo Draftee

http://vhlsim.invisionzone.com/index.php?/topic/427-rw-thomas-landry-s33/ No depreciation.

I don't see any locker rooms?

Claimed.