Five things that have changed forever now that Toast is back

[McWolf 3,115]

@Toast is back in the VHL, and it seems like we are getting the real deal this time around – not the charred discount version who made a cameo in the early 60's. In fact, it seems like Toast found his motivation back, as Phoenix Dawson currently looks like one of the better prospects available in the S76 VHL Entry Draft. And is there really a single better way to show you're back than by donating 40$ in the league's Holiday Donation Drive and winning an auction for a custom media spot by yours truly – among other things, notice my title and profile picture, which I will be showing off for the next month or so, let’s say the month countdown starts today.

 

Toast and I contacted each other after it was confirmed that he won the auction, and he gave me two choices for the media spot theme: some cheesy article about the best moments from the VHL holidays or something like this, or a comical article titled “Five things that have changed forever now that Toast is back”. Needless to say, the latter speaked to me on a deeper level and I ran away with it. It took a while to write because of holidays, work, seasonal depression and binge-playing NHL 21 – thanks again, holiday raffle – but I’m here now, ready to give it to you. So without further ado, here are the five things that have changed forever now that Toast is back in our community.

 

1. The community now has a healthier diet

 

 

The community already had a fairly healthy diet, don’t get me wrong but, according to the 2019 revision of Canada’s Food Guide, whole grain foods should make for around a quarter of a healthy diet. That means pasta, rice and – you guessed it – bread, should make up for around 25% of what we ingest on a daily basis. Now, I’m not suggesting we eat Toast, but I’m also not suggesting we do not eat him. Don’t read into it too much, but with @Ricer13 and Toast, we can say that the league is never going to lack whole grain foods.

 

Another quarter of the diet should be protein foods. The VHL has been blessed with a couple of them already, @MexicanCow123, @dlamb and @chikn being the first two that come to my mind. We are not that wealthy in terms of plant-based proteins like tofu or beans, which the Food Guide really pushes as the superior proteins, but it’s still a fine step in the right direction. We truly are a carnivorous bunch. With guys like McWolf, @Viperxhawks19 or @Sharkstrong roaming, I wouldn't expect any less.

 

Finally, the Food Guide suggests that the last half of the diet should consist of fruits and vegetables. Sadly, there were a couple of members with delicious fruits or vegetables names (@Banana2311, @PotatoKing among others) but none of them are active anymore. The closest we got to a fruit or vegetable-themed username at the moment is @Biggreen10 – who I always imagined was the Jolly Green Giant’s cousin or something. I might be missing someone obvious, though.

 

It looks like milk, cheese and other dairy products were dropped from the guide in this revised version. Looks like dairy isn’t considered as essential now as it was a couple years back. Sorry @Ledge_and_Dairy, it looks like we don’t need you anymore.

 

2. The league is now rich with bread crumbs

 

 

One other thing that changed forever now that Toast is back is the fact that our bread crumb stock will never get low again. They got dangerously low in the Bread Crumb Crisis of the late 50’s, when Toast sadly went on a year-long hiatus. But our inventory is now almost full, with the man of the hour being officially back and active.

 

So why are bread crumbs so important, you ask? Well, they have many uses. 

 

- Firstly, they can be used to leave trails behind us so we make sure we don’t get lost, like the title characters did in the not-so-fairy tale of Hansel and Gretel. Rumours are that this is exactly how Toast found its way back to the VHL. He woke up one day, noticed a bread crumb trail starting in his toaster and followed it back to the Player Creation page on the portal. If you ever feel like taking a break from the sim leagues, make sure to grab a handful of bread crumbs, and you’ll be sure to find your way back to us whenever you feel like it.

 

- Secondly, bread crumbs appear to be one of the most obscure cryptocurrencies. It’s not worth much at the moment, but it’s never a bad idea to start digging some from infinite sources like Toast in case it turns to gold.

 

- Lastly, but perhaps more importantly, it keeps our head pigeons satiated. For humans, bread crumbs could barely be considered a snack. There is no way anyone in this community ever satisfied their hunger by nibbling on bread crumbs. But for a common pigeon, they make a perfect meal. And it’s important to keep pigeons satisfied. I might be about to expose a fact that they would have preferred to keep secret, but most of the members on the Board of Governors – among other veterans – are in fact pigeons and most tragedies that happened in the history of the VHL can be traced back to them and their love for bread crumbs:

 

- The S58 contraction? Selfish pigeons wanted more crumbs for themselves and cut off two teams worth of pigeons to feed.

 

- Past simmers forgetting to sim games? Hungry pigeons going on strike until they are fed appropriately.

 

- The boubabiban? Deathly starved elite pigeon went on a rampaging streak and said things he may or may not regret. Like the proverb says: “You’re not you when you’re hungry, - Snickers”. This one is a bit different however, because elite pigeons feed on both bread crumbs and sim league success, but we might have been able to avoid the ban if he was satiated.

 

Looking at this, it’s easy to see how important bread crumbs are and how vital Toast is to the VHL, as a never-ending source of this invaluable resource. I’m going to go as far as say that Toast single-handedly pushes us over both the EFL and the SBA as the best sim league out there.

 

3. Bread puns are back in fashion

 

 

And this brings us to my favourite point. The one I had the most fun writing, also probably the one that’s going to be the most confusing. I don’t wanna pumpernickel my own tires, but I’m excited for you all – and especially for our star of the day – to bread this.

 

By now we know that Toast is a breadwinner. He had too much dough in his wallet and decided to refill North American Food Banks full of bread. He truly isn't loafing around. But what else do we know about the man? We know he found the league to be a bit stale about two years ago, and that's a shame because he was a member everyone knew they could crust would bake amazing players. He has seen butter days, that's for sure. But it barley matters anymore, because this short hiatus seems to have helped him find his motivation back and Toast is bready to take the league by storm like he did in the past.

 

And what about his players? He had a loaf of them.. He had some serious ones in the past. Damon Wolfe, Steven Smyl among others. His most recent efforts looked more like Burnt Toast – no bun intended – than his first couple of players, though it's starting to look like his current player is the real dough. In fact, Phoenix Dawson seems like he could be a future star. Toast has gotten back to his old ways and grained a lot of TPE to apply to his S76 draftee. GMs butter not baguette about him during the draft, else he could be a member of the London United starting next season.

 

Keep up the good work, Toast. Wheat loaf to see Dawson toast opponents for a full eight-season career. It's cereal to think that you have been around the VHL for so long. I really knead to say thank you for having been a part of our community for so long. You’re possibly one of the reasons it is still going strong – oven if you dipped for about a year. It happens to the best of us.

 

So yeah, everyone together, let’s give a big round of applause to Toast. It’s the yeast we can do.

 

4. The Church of Toast was founded and is looking for faithful

 

 

So earlier this week, one of London’s prospect, Nathan Perry (@tinafrombobsburgers) slid in my DMs and asked me if I “had a minute to talk about our lord and saviour Toast.” I didn’t understand at first what this was about, but I heard him out, and it eventually all made sense. Toast effectively founded the Church of Toast and he is looking for his faithful to spread the good word about him. You might think that I’m one of them, but I was actually independently paid to write this article, it has nothing to do with this sect and/or religion.

I’m going to be 100% honest, I don’t know if this point is a positive point, but Toast asked me to write about five things that changed forever. Creating a religion and forcing VHLers to coexist with the religion’s faithful definitely changes the landscape of the sim league, but I don’t think I’m ready to devote my life to this so-called prophet. But I’m not judging, I’m only relating the facts. Plus, this might be the kind of thing that interests my readers. For starters, if you got to point 4 out of 5 of an article dedicated to Toast, you clearly have a little something for the guy. You’re probably only a step or two away from joining the Church of Toast.

 

5. The VHL is on the rise again

 

 

The league never wanted to admit it, but Toast is one of the most important members of our community and I'm about to prove it. In fact, the activity from this single member is actually what dictates the general health of the league. When we look at expansions and contractions for example, we definitely see a pattern that is too perfect to be coincidental.

 

- The VHL started its inaugural season with 8 teams and kept these same 8 teams – excluding relocations – for over 3 decades.

 

- Toast created his first player, Damon Wolfe and entered the S28 VHL Entry Draft.

 

- Only 3 seasons later, the league expanded for the first time in its history, adding the Cologne Express and the Quebec City Meute to their roster.

 

- Toast stayed consistently active for most of the next 2 decades, but went inactive starting around S54.

 

- Only 4 seasons later, the league contracted for the only time in its history, with the Cologne Express and the Stockholm Vikings playing their final games in S57.

 

- Toast came back around ten seasons later, with his failed experiment Burnt Toast entering the S63 Entry Draft. He has been active on and off since then.

 

- His current activity coincides with the current expansion era we are in. In fact, starting in S65 with the Moscow Menace joining as the 9th franchise and culminating with four teams joining the league's ranks in S73, the league went from 8 to 16 teams in an eight-season span.

 

Again, this can't all be coincidences. I'd bet some good money that if Toast leaves again for an extended period of time, we are going to enter another dark period. So please, for the sake of the league and every member currently surviving harsh pandemic restrictions thanks to the community, never go inactive again my man.

 

Edited January 11, 2021 by McWolf

[McWolf 3,115]

2k something words, good for 4 weeks.

Thanks again for your generous donation @Toast.

[MexicanCow123 914]

lol loved this Wolf 

[Ricer13 2,796]

This is fantastic xD

[Gooningitup 1,290]

Very well put together media even if the person who made it still disappoints me abit solid pics and structuring 9/10

[Viper 530]

I fucking lova ya man

[a_Ferk 766]

I think you may have endangered Toast haha, if he tries to go inactive again the league will be out to get him. I like the humorous media spots because they are much more fun to read and don't seem to drag on as much. The inclusion of pictures was nice because I think they add a nice element to an article. 10/10 article my man

[bigAL 2,176]

Put this in the media spot Hall of Fame. 

[Victor 10,937]

Toast is a legend to be sure.

[Toast 887]

Worth every penny. Also accepting applications for the Church of Toast. 

 

Thank you @McWolf!