Season 77 Phoenix Superlatives

[fishy 1,757]

The best & worst of times: award season. As I’m sure the majority of the league can understand, awards are no fun when you know you aren’t on the ballot. Sure, you can be excited for your friends, and if you’re lucky, your teammates to get their name called out during VSN’s award ceremony.

 

The first time I encountered team awards was after my season with Miami. @Ricer13 did his team awards, and Matty Socks won a couple of them. Although practically meaningless, I was excited. It was one of those, “hey, nice” moments. Therefore, because Chicago doesn’t have a pre-established tradition of team awards, I decided to go ahead and do some team superlatives for season 77.

 

Does my team know I’m doing this? No. Did anyone ask for this? No. Do I intend to continue the tradition for future seasons? We’ll see.

 

So, without further ado: the Chicago Phoenix team superlatives for season 77.

 

@Blazzer : Most likely to start a riot

 

We’re starting out with a painfully obvious one: we all know that blazz is ready to jump on any cause that includes raising a pitchfork and setting things on fire. Whether it’s my season 76 championship banner not being selected to put on the voting ballot, losing to a team we should’ve beaten, or quik not indulging her in her coffee poop talks, she will, even without any backing, hit us with an :elmorise: and start a search for blood.

 

@Bobo: Most likely to change careers

 

For those of you who know Bobo, you know that he’s one of the most passion-driven individuals on this site. As the founder of the Victory Hockey Times, a current writer for VSN, dabbling in graphics, and working on an album, Bobo has an idea and runs with it. I’ve never met anyone who has an idea and instantly works to make it come to life without any hesitation. For this reason, I am naming Bobo as the most likely to change careers from a professional hockey star to literally anything he wants. Dream big, Bobo, you’re going places.

 

@Spence King: Most likely to injure himself in the hype

 

Elsby joined us in season 77. We’d seen him around before through his involvement as an AGM and a writer for VSN, but we had no idea who he was as a team player. As soon as Elsby joined our server, he hit the ground running:

 

 

And it doesn’t stop there. Whenever he dropped into the server, it would light up with activity from his insane amount of excitement and hype. In fact, as you can see from the screenshot, the team loved it so much that we voted him captain for the season despite the fact that he’d never before played for Chicago. His hype is unmatched, and for that reason, I’m naming him most likely to injure himself in the hype.

 

@gorlab: Most likely to have his mugshot go viral

 

gorlab is one of those characters with such a large personality that he could probably take home 6 or 7 laughable superlatives. Whether it’s his avid and dedicated marijuana practices or his constant reminder that he is a giant in size-14 shoes, he’s a true icon. However, the most infamous gorlab personality trait is his undying love for confrontational conflict and daring people to roll up and try to take him out. I have little doubt that gorlab was curb stomp somebody for looking at him the wrong way. For that reason, I think that, with the combination of his huge & infamous personality and his love for f*cking people up, he’d be the most likely to have his mugshot go viral.

 

@JeffD: Most likely to fall asleep on the bench

 

Jeff, our fearsome GM, is an avid gamer in many senses of the phrase. He works hard and plays hard. He sips (not chugs, that takes too many channel points) his Claws with the dedication of a working horse until 90% of his bloodstream is pumping alcohol through his system. However, that comes at a cost: sleepiness. Combine that with an unfettered rage that comes with falling behind, I fully believe that Jeff is most likely to fall asleep on the bench. love u jeff

 

@Kylrad: Most likely to show up at a social event without an RSVP

 

I have literally never been addressed by Kyl. I’ve played with him for three seasons now, and I know literally nothing about him other than 1) he plays games and 2) he’s pals with gorlab & nyko. That’s all. That being said, every now and then, he’ll show up, send an emote, and leave for a month or two. He’s still in the server, which makes me want to believe that he, somehow, feels a connection to the team. Therefore, I’ve named him most likely to show up to a social event without an RSVP. He wouldn’t tell anyone he’s coming, but when he showed up, it’d be one of those, “oh, hey pal, thought you died.”

 

@Nykonax : Most likely to scam a scammer

 

The first time I really interacted with Nyko was in the EFL server playing Among Us back when that game was still relevant. Based solely on his voice, I decided that Nyko would probably scam me out of hundreds of dollars if I weren’t careful. I haven’t changed my mind. Nyko knows more about finances than I do (keep in mind that that bar is pretty low), and he’s the VHL’s resident child. He’s clever and fun-loving, which makes me think that he could pick up a call from the Prince of Nigeria and hang up with their bank account information.

 

@Quik: Most likely to bust out the air fryer between periods

 

Jeff created our food channel, cleverly named “the lunch room,” because Quik liked sending pics of his food. Quik has a habit of rubbing his drool-worthy meals in our faces. He loves food and makes it no secret. Most iconically, though, is Quik’s undying love for the air fryer. You read that right. An air fryer.

 

 

(Yeah, I’m sure he’s a sucker for instant coffe too, but that’s not my point.) Quik, one of the most clever and stubborn people on the team, would undoubtedly hit the locker room between periods and make us french fries. I love french fries, so this is 80% a compliment. You can decide what the last 20% is.

 

@solas: Most likely to stop a puck with his head

 

JP CAMPUS MY LORD AND SAVIOR.

 

solas knows a lot of things that he does not need to know. I say this with a lot of love, but he has a plethora of useless information. The story began when I realized that solas was in the EFL server. I don’t even know if he has/had players in the EFL, but he was there. So I asked him why he was there, and he told us that he stayed for the Jeopardy! channel. Jeff added the Jeopardy! bot and created the channel, and, well, none of us knew that we would get schooled by the Jeopardy! master. He has over $200,000 - wack - and I have, like, $0. (Not “like $0,” it’s literally $0). Nobody can compete. In fact, we’ve even coined the term, “solasnipe” for every time we are waiting for the one minute to expire so that we can t.q the next question, and solas rolls up with the answer. Therefore, as our trusty goalie, I say that solas is most likely to stop a puck with his MASSIVE GALAXY BRAIN.

 

@Sonnet: Most likely to get a senior discount

 

Y’all, when I found out that Sonnet wasn’t at least 10 years older than me, I was shook.

 

 

(proof ^)

 

However, I’ve found that I’m not the only one.

 

 

Sonnet has convinced people, without even trying, that he is a boomer. He is our senile 20-something. He’s an old soul stuck in the body of a child. He has the same energy of an old man who sits on his front porch and yells at kids fetching a ball that mistakenly ended up on his property and tells them to “GET OFF MY LAWN!” (Except instead of that, he’s sitting at his desk of 6000 monitors watching anime on 2 of them, making a draft stream on another, creating a jersey initiative, who knows.) However, he’s actually just a cuddly teddy bear. Think Sandlot: the kids are deathly afraid of their baseball going over the fence because of a terrifying menace, but once they politely chat with the owner, they find out that he’s actually a great resource and he becomes an iconic piece of the baseball team. Therefore, Sonnet is the most likely to get a senior discount. Old fart.

 

@tfong : Most likely to bring a fan into the locker room

 

Finally, tfong. He, like Elsby, just joined us for this season. He doesn’t visit our locker room often (probably because he has no power there ), but he has made a home in the VHL server. The VHL server, a much more populated space, gives fong the audience he wants and lives for. He’s also made it clear that he ahem appreciates beauty. I fully believe that Jungkok, after having seen a particularly eye-catching fan, would invite them to the locker room just to hang out and for their “dazzling personality.” Therefore, I am naming him most likely to bring a fan into the locker room.

 

And that’s a wrap! See you next off-season… maybe.

 

1584 words, claiming weeks ending 5/23, 5/20, and 6/6

[Quik 4,113]

That fire is for my air frying ways

[Prout 373]

Is this what fame is now?? Great article fishy!!!!

[Quik 4,113]

8 minutes ago, Sonnet said:

Yeah this is probably the most accurate thing that's ever been written about me in my life

 

10/10 stay the FUCK off of my lawn I just had it cut and I swear to god if you kids fuck it up again

...huh?

[fishy 1,757]

Just now, Sonnet said:

how do i kekw react on the forums

we got a free thinker in the house

Edited May 13, 2021 by fishy

[Nykonax 1,564]

48 minutes ago, fishy said:

he’s pals with gorlab & nyko.

idk about pals...

[Blazzer 759]

RIOT

[diamond_ace 3,112]

need to find some sort of neutral server where i can challenge solas in jeopardy

 

[Quik 4,113]

8 minutes ago, diamond_ace said:

need to find some sort of neutral server where i can challenge solas in jeopardy

 

 

 

[Baozi 1,658]

Love it.

 

[fishy 1,757]

2/3

[fishy 1,757]

3/3

[Bobo 514]

wwwww, btw album otw