Claimed: Stepping down from my shitty job (and my other job) [1/2]

[scoop 3,426]

I am a very emotionally unstable person. I'm not sure that's necessary to share, but if you know me well enough then this is something you'd certainly already know. This past weekend, I was away, at an anime convention. You can't make fun of me right after I announce that I'm emotionally unstable, that'd make you an asshole. Actually though, that kind of thing wouldn't bother me because truthfully, I care very little about what any of you have to say about me. Because I care very little about any of you. At least, in a personal sense.

 

The VHL does not really make me happy. Sure, there are times when I enjoy it, but for the amount of time that I spend on here, it's not nearly enough. This is something that I realized during my weekend. I hate that I'm about to share some of the thing that I think I'm about to say, but I'm going to. I recognize that this may just be a cry for attention. And I hate that about myself. That I feel the need to do that, as though I'm entitled to say 'hey everyone look at me, give me sympathy.' I don't know exactly what I'm trying to accomplish here. I shouldn't feel the need to explain myself. Okay, I lied. I guess I do care about what you guys think about me. (I wouldn't care if you make fun of my attending of an anime convention though; more so what you think about me as a person, not my interests). I hate that I care enough to have to explain myself rather than just say 'hey I'm gonna step down.'

 

I don't know how in detail I'm going to get here, but if you actually care, I suppose I can share (it's just more of a story that exemplifies myself as a loser tbh). But the short of it is that on the last day of this convention, I was contemplating suicide for the first time in over two years. For the first time since I left my old job. When I was in college, it more frequently crossed my mind, but ever since I went back to working at Wal-Mart in Spring 2015, while I have been 'sad' at times, I don't think a single time have I thought about killing myself. I don't actually think I will. Like I said, this is probably more just a cry for attention that I so apparently think I deserve. And it's not my first.

 

The point of all that is that I need to start thinking about what makes me happy. The VHL just isn't really one of those things anymore. At least, it doesn't make me happy enough to the point that I am willing to spend the extra effort as VHL Financier and the Yukon Rush GM. If I'm being completely honest, it's probably in my best interest to cut ties with the VHL altogether, but I'm the kind of person who doesn't want to hurt my teams like that. Of course, Devise and Smarch would probably both tell me that I gotta do what I gotta do. Maxwell could survive to provide New York with a decent body for a few more seasons even through depreciation. For the Dynamo, however, mist4ke is not quite at the level where he could coast for the rest of his career. I feel especially bad about this because Davos could have drafted Markus King, but didn't because they have me.

 

The reason I don't plan on entirely quitting the VHL is not simply because I feel as though I need to provide my teams with a solid player, though. As I said, I do find some enjoyment out of the VHL; I simply cannot continue to expend as much effort as I do. If I were to leave the VHL entirely, I would probably find myself with a lot of extra time that I would probably end up wasting on something else that doesn't make me happy. So, at least as long as I don't start finding myself stressing over the VHL in the future, I think spending enough time here to continue to put in a bit of work, maybe occasional writing media spots (as doing research and writing them is actually one of the things that I sometimes enjoy) will be okay.

 

And fuck it, I'm using this as a media spot.

 

For Maxwell

[scoop 3,426]

fuck I turned a VHL.com article into a media spot again @Will @Phil pls help

[Phil 5,119]

9 minutes ago, Street x Lite said:

fuck I turned a VHL.com article into a media spot again @Will @Phil pls help

 

done

[Phil 5,119]

It's sometimes really very hard to find happiness. And being happy is so important in life. The whole point of this site (in my mind) is for people with a common interest in hockey to come together and have some fun on here. If it's stopped being fun, then you should feel no obligation to continue grinding out some of the jobs you do. You've contributed a fuckton of stuff in your time here. I think you more than deserve to take a step back and just enjoy the sims, building your player, and hanging with some the members here. Don't ever feel bad for a second about reaching out. What you wrote - I don't take as a cry for attention. Being open and communicative is just the foundation of any relationship, in a personal or community sense, and if it's a good relationship, your words will be met with the same sort of openness. 

 

So yea, step down, step back, and hopefully that will make you fully enjoy the league again. We're all here for the same reason - because this shit is entertaining. Let's do what we can to continue enjoying it.

[Molholt 2,185]

Everyone here is playing Hockey DnD - no one can make fun of you for an anime convention.

[scoop 3,426]

3 minutes ago, Molholt said:

Everyone here is playing Hockey DnD - no one can make fun of you for an anime convention.

lol true

 

tbh I'm more ashamed of the VHL than I am of going to an anime convention

 

Possibly due to just how much damn time I've spent here though.

Edited April 10, 2017 by Street x Lite

[Phil 5,119]

1 minute ago, Street x Lite said:

lol true

 

tbh I'm more ashamed of the VHL than I am of going to an anime convention

 

I have yet to tell my girlfriend about the VHL haha

[der meister 3,183]

I stopped reading at anime convention.

 

Because I am jealous. 

 

Actually, I did read the whole thing [and I am jealous, btw - friends bailed on me for Anime North years ago and I never had time to go to one after that], and I need to echo Phil's sentiment first: we're here to enjoy it, and if you're not enjoying it, find something that you will enjoy.

 

Also, I feel the compulsion to say that you need to find ways of expressing yourself positively in real life, and to find internal happiness. Talking with a therapist does not make you a failure or a weak person, and a good therapist can help you find your own balance and sense of self worth. It's easy to say and hard to do, but happiness needs to come from inside for it to be sustainable. If you're always looking for external things to provide you with emotions, then you're always at the whim of forces out of your control. 

 

All that being said, do what you need to in order to find that balance, and to try to find some happiness with who you are, as a person. But either way, don't give up. 

[DollarAndADream 3,356]

Life can be a difficult thing sometimes, especially to find the happy that everyone wants. It's not always the easiest thing to find exactly what it is that makes you the happiest. I don't think anyone is going to see this as some kind of cry for help.

 

I mean, really, if you're not having fun doing the things you do on here, then just don't do them. These leagues are a means of fun, and in no way should it ever feel like a chore. If it does, then either take a break, settle down with the jobs, or just stop all together. At least for awhile.

 

There's been many times on here where it just wasn't that fun for me. There's a lot of weeks where I know I need to do a PT, and I just don't really want to. .....but I usually end up whipping something up because #YOLO. Or something. Especially for me as a GM now with both of my players on my team...I'm kind of backed into this corner where I'm only hurting my own team if I do welfare.

 

I literally don't know what I'd be doing with my free time if I wasn't spending it here. I mean, I spend a lot of time on the computer......mostly on Reddit or in sim leagues these days. I used to be a huge gamer, but a lot of that free time transferred to just PC chill time.

 

But anyways, just do as you please. Take a break if you need to.

[Jericho 917]

Nothing wrong with anime Streetlight-chan.

[der meister 3,183]

35 minutes ago, Jericho said:

Nothing wrong with anime Streetlight-chan.

 

[STZ 5,358]

anime boner

[der meister 3,183]

38 minutes ago, STZ said:

anime boner

 

What is, "Things to not search for at work?"

[boubabi 4,725]

Hentai

[Devise 4,475]

I think @der meister hit a lot of the solid points on the head. A lot of this comes down to you, and the only thing that can make a person really happy and confident is to have those feelings for themselves. It's a tough situation honestly. Depression, thoughts of suicide. I have seen it, dealt with it myself in some instances, and even more recently have seen it in people I know. My mom for example recently told me she almost killed herself. I tried to talk her through it, but obviously it's easy to get very emotional in these situations.

 

But trying to tell people good advice only goes so far. Again Der said it, you should never feel afraid or shamed in who you are, even if that means you believe you should be talking with someone else who can help you discover reasons to be happy with your life and who you are. I think step one though is the realization that your not alone. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I'm not even talking about just, are you the only person to deal with these thoughts, the only person who maybe should seek psychiatric help. It's also more you don't need to be ashamed of those things. Or of who you are in general. The fact that you were clinging to things like "Spots DnD" or "Anime" and using those as scapegoats to try to tell yourself your a loser. I don't know where you got that mentality. From today's world? Hollywood is making anime remakes, we absolutely live in a time where people have stopped being so judgmental and picky on whatever nerdy dumb thing your into. It's probably just because you aren't confident or happy with who you are and what you are doing. Obviously the return from investment from the VHL plays a part in that, and I think you should always be micro managing how much you give this site if it bugs you that you sometimes give too much. But finding the root of why that bugs you is important as well. 

 

Most importantly you just have to figure out a way to confidently do you. Whatever that may mean. Hobbies, life, relationships, jobs, it may all seem tough but at a certain point with enough self inflection you can find an answer that makes you wake up in the morning confident. I think it's important to separate confident from happy as well. It isn't always about being satisfied or content with everything your doing in life, more recognizing that the structure that you have built up for your life is you, and is things you want to do. And in case where it isn't, make those changes if you can. Strive for something else. But obviously I understand that it's tough. 

 

I hope you truly work through your stuff though Street as more than just being a good member who has contributed tons on this boards, every time a nugget of you comes out, and you peak out of your shell you seem like a genuinely great, smart person. If you need to seek professional help, please do so. I hope regardless of some "pity cry for help plea" you can see that those of us here can see past that and truly just want to see Street the guy, be happy with who he is. Remember there is nothing wrong with reaching out, with trying to make connections, and with trying to understand yourself. Anyway, be well sir. 

Edited April 10, 2017 by Devise

[Devise 4,475]

Also, what kind of anime you into Street? I haven't kept up with that scene nearly as much as I did in my youth, but I really dug the original Ghost in The Shell series, Akira, Death Note, I did a tour with an old roommate of all the Studio Ghibli stuff and found most of it wonderful, as well as checked out a few more. I still have friends in my social circle who try to keep up with the anime scene a lot more, but it's something I'm sad I stopped digging into. Time commitments being what they are, plus I eventually found GB so on top of trying to keep up with film and series that also eats time. 

[Corco 1,235]

pls don't leave for good

[Bushito 1,945]

Street you're good shit and always have been. You're one of the few guys I can honestly say I respect a lot on this site. You've done good things for the VHL and sim leagues in general. I'm glad you can be open and honest and talk about the things that bother you. It took me a really long time to figure out my life and find the right people to talk to. If you ever want to talk about anything I'd be more than happy to lend an ear or anything you need really. I'm glad you are sticking around here in some capacity and I hope you know how sorely the league and its members would miss your presence if you did leave. Ultimately you need to do what is best for yourself and any decision you do make I'm sure everyone here would support that.

[der meister 3,183]

30 minutes ago, Devise said:

Also, what kind of anime you into Street? I haven't kept up with that scene nearly as much as I did in my youth, but I really dug the original Ghost in The Shell series, Akira, Death Note, I did a tour with an old roommate of all the Studio Ghibli stuff and found most of it wonderful, as well as checked out a few more. I still have friends in my social circle who try to keep up with the anime scene a lot more, but it's something I'm sad I stopped digging into. Time commitments being what they are, plus I eventually found GB so on top of trying to keep up with film and series that also eats time. 

 

I also want to know. I've been trying to watch a ton of stuff lately, and my anime to-watch list is so long that I honestly couldn't list the backlog at the moment. I have, as an estimate, about 8 full series to watch, but I can only name like 3 of those series. And then there's Gintama, which I'm afraid to start due to its length.

 

[Devise 4,475]

Just now, der meister said:

 

I also want to know. I've been trying to watch a ton of stuff lately, and my anime to-watch list is so long that I honestly couldn't list the backlog at the moment. I have, as an estimate, about 8 full series to watch, but I can only name like 3 of those series. And then there's Gintama, which I'm afraid to start due to its length.

 

 

An old buddy of mine tried to get me into Bleach right when I was kind of digging into tons of anime. But there is something like 13+ seasons of that thing, I think I ended up getting 3 seasons in. It was enjoyable don't get me wrong, but man you can really go down some content holes if you invest a lot of time into these things. What are the 3 that you could name? 

[Gudnason 607]

@Street x Lite although I don't know you very well I've had similar experiences in the past with other activities. If you want any help or someone to talk to find me anytime : cheers:  hope life will get back to being you enjoying what.you like to do and having a blast of it real soon

[frescoelmo 1,276]

5 hours ago, Street x Lite said:

Actually though, that kind of thing wouldn't bother me because truthfully, I care very little about what any of you have to say about me. Because I care very little about any of you. At least, in a personal sense.

 

This.

 

Because you should give zero fucks about the things that don't affect you directly.

 

It's why I don't care about anyone on this site, less Jardy.

[scoop 3,426]

40 minutes ago, Devise said:

It's also more you don't need to be ashamed of those things. Or of who you are in general. The fact that you were clinging to things like "Spots DnD" or "Anime" and using those as scapegoats to try to tell yourself your a loser. I don't know where you got that mentality.

I don't particularly know why I'm ashamed of the VHL (or sim leagues in general), but it's probably the one aspect about my life that I'm not confident sharing with people in real life. It doesn't really bother me if people know that I like anime. The comments about making fun of me were mostly a joke (though it definitely shows some insecurity).

 

The actual reference to myself as a 'loser' was not related to anime or the VHL, but rather the way that I am.

[Devise 4,475]

8 minutes ago, Street x Lite said:

I don't particularly know why I'm ashamed of the VHL (or sim leagues in general), but it's probably the one aspect about my life that I'm not confident sharing with people in real life. It doesn't really bother me if people know that I like anime. The comments about making fun of me were mostly a joke (though it definitely shows some insecurity).

 

The actual reference to myself as a 'loser' was not related to anime or the VHL, but rather the way that I am.

 

That is all fair. Although I will say talk to anyone long enough about anything and you'll realize we are all losers by some definition. Nobody is perfect. As I started to seek out more from the world and learn about different types of people, different generations and different perspectives, at a certain point something just clicked for me that it's not the things that separate us, but the things we share as people that is so fascinating. Even down to the core. The amount of times I was able to find parallels between people that on the surface would seem so unrelated was huge. And I'm not just talking about interests either. I mean more emotions, what types of things make people happy, etc. 

 

I wonder if a big reason your ashamed of sim league stuff is just related to your own history in it? As in, if it was a side hobby you did here and there would you be as ashamed? Or is it because your such a big part of a leagues history, and pretty much can't escape that if someone knows your username they can find that? But again that does come from a place of insecurity. Because it's an assumption that someone would hold it against you. Anybody who would hold being in a sim league or investing time in it against you isn't someone you should be too concerned with imo. At least not if you've explained what it is, and the community aspect of it. It's something that is prevalent all over the internet, as people from all over the world engage in various communities simply for community sake. Not to assume that is why you are here, as I don't know that for certain. it seems you don't either fully. But it's still healthy to discuss it tbh. 

[scoop 3,426]

14 minutes ago, Devise said:

 

An old buddy of mine tried to get me into Bleach right when I was kind of digging into tons of anime. But there is something like 13+ seasons of that thing, I think I ended up getting 3 seasons in. It was enjoyable don't get me wrong, but man you can really go down some content holes if you invest a lot of time into these things. What are the 3 that you could name? 

It gets significantly worse after the first three seasons, according to the prevailing opinion (including my own). I mean, I guess I liked it enough to get close to 200 episodes in (while skipping some filler stuff), though there were definitely parts that were a bit of a labor to go through from what I remember (it's been a while). And that's barely even half-way through the series.