mediocrepony

Made this on my phone, the league knows where to reach me for payment.

548 words

tfw i get tagged after being FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY from the roster.

This is pretty simple and I’ll keep it short and simple hot takes for the 2020s
 
Hot Take 1: This is probably the most mild hot take you’ll see and it’s that the Detroit Dead Wings will become a dynasty and win 3 Cups, they have an amazing prospect pools with one of the most underrated prospects like Veleno, Hirose, and Rasmussen and they will be amazing team if they benefit off of their prospects
 
Hot Take 2: Connor McDavid will have an High-speed accident on ice causing a career ending injury which will have him majorly regress losing his speed, and he will still be a consistent 60-50 point guy. I can see this happening due to I think this guy's speed is just too dangerous, even Ovi said he doesn’t want McDavid's speed because he’s too fast. 
 
Hot Take 3: Kent Johnson (prospect 2021) will win 2 mvps and will become a top 50 player all-time. This guy is a top 10 prospect in his draft, and had 100+ points the BCHL, and he’s just a beast he’s also hit a lacrosse goal. I think this is definitely a stretch, but I’m pretty high on this guy maybe not this high.
 
Hot Take 4: Zdeno Chara is going to be the 2nd 50 year old guy to play in the NHL since Gordie Howe. This guy is just simply a freak of nature, and I think he'll stop playing by 46, but this would be crazy to see.
 
Hot Take 5: Rasmus Dahlin becomes a top 5 offensive-defensemen of all-time and breaks the defensemen record of points in a season which is 139, and if this happens I’m sure EA will give him a respectable 76 overall 7th D cause that’s how EA rolls.
 
Hot Take 6: Brady Tkachuk dominates the league opening a can of woop ass every game and forms an unstoppable foursome with Batherson, Duclair, and Brannstrom seeing the four dominate taking a respectable 3 cups like the a Dead Wings, and Tkachuk will break the hits all-time record (recorded) which he has a good shot of breaking
 
Hot Take 7: Ovechkin doesn’t break the goal record, and misses by a goal after getting injured, and doesn’t play following.
 
Well that’s all I just wanted to say some crazy dumb shit

I actually hate you.

Today's guest:
COLE NEWHOOK
6'2, 205  
Age 20, TPE 60
"Hello, Mr. Newhook and welcome to the person that made you. Thank you for joining us today."
"I'm glad I could be here. Not that I had a choice."
"Very true. Ok, so I am going to ask a few questions. First off, what do you think is your best attribute?"
" Well, I tried to make myself a goal scoring, playmaking center, but the high scoring part of that didn't didn't work out. 3 goals in 25 games in the VHLM doesn't exactly scream prolific scorer, although my TPE says i'm best at scoring, with a 61. I had 15 assists for 18 points in 25 games, so I'd say I'm best at passing."
"Thank you. Alright, next question. How much growing do you think you will do in your career?" 
" That is a good question. I believe I could grow a lot, not nearly as one of the best in the league, but to a good, dependable depth player in the VHL, if I continue at my current earning average. If I speed up earning, I could grow into a second line center who can put up a very good amount of points. I assume I will stay very active and continue earning throughout my career."
"Where do you think you will be drafted in Season Seventy-Two's draft?" 
" I believe I could be a solid late third round to late fourth round steal, and I think I could be drafted in that range. 
"Do you think that there is a possibility that you might not be drafted at all?"
"Oh, definitely. I joined relatively late for the Season Seventy-Two draft class and am a first-gen player, so I didn't learn the ropes immediately, and therefore earned less TPE when I joined. It took me at least a week to figure out how to get TPE apart from Practice, so I got off to a slow start. I know that there is a possibility of being undrafted. I am hanging around forty-five or so in the draft rankings, but I have received a message from a VHL GM."
"How do you think your performance in the VHLM will affect your draft position?"
"I don't know if it will, honestly. I don't know if it ever does. I'm guessing that I didn't perform to the best of my abilities in the VHLM in my first season, and was not on one of the best teams in the league, so I think I easily could have got many more points last season."
"Now for some questions less about your hockey career and more personal. What is your favorite NHL team?"
"Oh, the Buffalo Sabres, definitely. Hometown team. I know they are not great (understatement) but the future is dimly lit!"
"VHL team?" "
Maybe Malmo, just because I like their logo."
"VHLM team?"
Philadelphia or New Orleans, again, logos. I haven't spent enough time in the league to have a favorite."
"Thank you for joining your creator here today."
" My pleasure."
" And there he was, folks, the man, myth, legend himself, Cole Newhook, via Zoom in his apartment in Mississauga." He compiled 3 goals and 15 assists in 25 games for the Mississauga Hounds."
 

I second this motion

Gritty obviously
 

Today's guest:
COLE NEWHOOK
6'2, 205  
Age 20, TPE 60
"Hello, Mr. Newhook and welcome to the person that made you. Thank you for joining us today."
"I'm glad I could be here. Not that I had a choice."
"Very true. Ok, so I am going to ask a few questions. First off, what do you think is your best attribute?"
" Well, I tried to make myself a goal scoring, playmaking center, but the high scoring part of that didn't didn't work out. 3 goals in 25 games in the VHLM doesn't exactly scream prolific scorer, although my TPE says i'm best at scoring, with a 61. I had 15 assists for 18 points in 25 games, so I'd say I'm best at passing."
"Thank you. Alright, next question. How much growing do you think you will do in your career?" 
" That is a good question. I believe I could grow a lot, not nearly as one of the best in the league, but to a good, dependable depth player in the VHL, if I continue at my current earning average. If I speed up earning, I could grow into a second line center who can put up a very good amount of points. I assume I will stay very active and continue earning throughout my career."
"Where do you think you will be drafted in Season Seventy-Two's draft?" 
" I believe I could be a solid late third round to late fourth round steal, and I think I could be drafted in that range. 
"Do you think that there is a possibility that you might not be drafted at all?"
"Oh, definitely. I joined relatively late for the Season Seventy-Two draft class and am a first-gen player, so I didn't learn the ropes immediately, and therefore earned less TPE when I joined. It took me at least a week to figure out how to get TPE apart from Practice, so I got off to a slow start. I know that there is a possibility of being undrafted. I am hanging around forty-five or so in the draft rankings, but I have received a message from a VHL GM."
"How do you think your performance in the VHLM will affect your draft position?"
"I don't know if it will, honestly. I don't know if it ever does. I'm guessing that I didn't perform to the best of my abilities in the VHLM in my first season, and was not on one of the best teams in the league, so I think I easily could have got many more points last season."
"Now for some questions less about your hockey career and more personal. What is your favorite NHL team?"
"Oh, the Buffalo Sabres, definitely. Hometown team. I know they are not great (understatement) but the future is dimly lit!"
"VHL team?" "
Maybe Malmo, just because I like their logo."
"VHLM team?"
Philadelphia or New Orleans, again, logos. I haven't spent enough time in the league to have a favorite."
"Thank you for joining your creator here today."
" My pleasure."
" And there he was, folks, the man, myth, legend himself, Cole Newhook, via Zoom in his apartment in Mississauga." He compiled 3 goals and 15 assists in 25 games for the Mississauga Hounds."
 

Today's guest:
COLE NEWHOOK
6'2, 205  
Age 20, TPE 60
"Hello, Mr. Newhook and welcome to the person that made you. Thank you for joining us today."
"I'm glad I could be here. Not that I had a choice."
"Very true. Ok, so I am going to ask a few questions. First off, what do you think is your best attribute?"
" Well, I tried to make myself a goal scoring, playmaking center, but the high scoring part of that didn't didn't work out. 3 goals in 25 games in the VHLM doesn't exactly scream prolific scorer, although my TPE says i'm best at scoring, with a 61. I had 15 assists for 18 points in 25 games, so I'd say I'm best at passing."
"Thank you. Alright, next question. How much growing do you think you will do in your career?" 
" That is a good question. I believe I could grow a lot, not nearly as one of the best in the league, but to a good, dependable depth player in the VHL, if I continue at my current earning average. If I speed up earning, I could grow into a second line center who can put up a very good amount of points. I assume I will stay very active and continue earning throughout my career."
"Where do you think you will be drafted in Season Seventy-Two's draft?" 
" I believe I could be a solid late third round to late fourth round steal, and I think I could be drafted in that range. 
"Do you think that there is a possibility that you might not be drafted at all?"
"Oh, definitely. I joined relatively late for the Season Seventy-Two draft class and am a first-gen player, so I didn't learn the ropes immediately, and therefore earned less TPE when I joined. It took me at least a week to figure out how to get TPE apart from Practice, so I got off to a slow start. I know that there is a possibility of being undrafted. I am hanging around forty-five or so in the draft rankings, but I have received a message from a VHL GM."
"How do you think your performance in the VHLM will affect your draft position?"
"I don't know if it will, honestly. I don't know if it ever does. I'm guessing that I didn't perform to the best of my abilities in the VHLM in my first season, and was not on one of the best teams in the league, so I think I easily could have got many more points last season."
"Now for some questions less about your hockey career and more personal. What is your favorite NHL team?"
"Oh, the Buffalo Sabres, definitely. Hometown team. I know they are not great (understatement) but the future is dimly lit!"
"VHL team?" "
Maybe Malmo, just because I like their logo."
"VHLM team?"
Philadelphia or New Orleans, again, logos. I haven't spent enough time in the league to have a favorite."
"Thank you for joining your creator here today."
" My pleasure."
" And there he was, folks, the man, myth, legend himself, Cole Newhook, via Zoom in his apartment in Mississauga." He compiled 3 goals and 15 assists in 25 games for the Mississauga Hounds."
 

Hello VHL @Members,
 
Today is an auspicious occasion, my birthday! As your benevolent leader, I am allowing all members to claim 1 Uncapped TPE, and all you've got to do is post something nice about me! Or don't, I'm not your mother. Point is, I'm giving everyone 1 free TPE, to be claimed by the end of this week.
 
Enjoy!

 
Just for @DMaximus: To claim, claim as Uncapped > Other > Other, with the description "Quik is a benevolent god!"

Are the golf courses even opened right now in Calgary? 
 

no ! 
So I play mini putt. I'm pretty good 

FISTED ANALLY BY A CIRCUS MONKEY

And Canada is?
Canada is so polite they'll probably apologize after scoring a goal.

Welcome to the Hounds, dude.
Go Sabres!

RESUME
Mike Hockertz
email
whatever else
 
EDUCATION

Masters Degree in Sales and Buying Logistics - 1.7 GPA
Bachelors Degree in Sales and Buying Logistics from University of Alabama - 2.0 GPA
High School Degree - Graduated with a 2.3 GPA
Middle School Degree - Graduated with B-
Elementary School Degree - Graduated with A+

WORK EXPERIENCE
 
Junior Buyer 2013-2019
- Secured quotes from vendors of required resources
- Tracked purchase price, quality, and delivery speed
- Bought and resold girl guide cookies.
 
Quality Assurance Dummy 2012
- Tested the safety of scrap cars bought and resold
- Tested the safety of resale items such as can openers and jetpacks
 
Best Buy Employee - March 31st 2011 - April 2nd 2011
- Sold various electronics to consumers
- Played with the beeping security sensors on company time

SKILLS
 
Multiple hours in the Office 365 Suite including Excel, PowerPoint, and Word
Strong communication and negotiation skills
Able to wrangle a snake up to 9 inches if needed
 
can improve this however, especially the job descriptions

James "The Whimmy Jimmy Jimbo-Tron Sex Machine" Benjamin Carl J. Jonah Jameson MMCXII
251 North Bristol Ave., Los Angeles, CA, 90094, in West Philadelphia born and raised
1-877-CASH-NOW
AlgaaliuMjFschiaon@yahoo.com
Make sure to smash that like button here
 
OBJECTIVE
What the hell do you think? I want money.
 
EDUCATION
School of Hard Knocks
Bachelor of Science, Internal Medicine, April 2069
Minors in Urdu and Music Performance (Electric Didgeridoo)
GPA: 1.6
Dean's List: Fall 2067, Spring 2068
 
SKILLS
Languages: Fluent in Sugandese and able to sing the Spanish parts of "Despacito" from memory
Computer Skills: Able to accurately mimic the startup noise of Windows XP; also I develop software sometimes
Physical: Once made a sick catch in gym class, can run a mile in under three days
Attention Span: Have seen both a full baseball game and a full Grateful Dead concert
Gaming: Able to stand up to the oppression of society
Intellect: Fan of Rick and Morty, online tested IQ of 156
Musical: Able to play Van Halen's "Eruption," as well as "Hot Cross Buns," on the penny whistle, cowbell, and boomwhackers
 
EMPLOYMENT
Snake Wrangler, Walmart, Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch, Wales
Responsible for the prevention of approximately $420.69 million in snake-related lawsuits on a daily basis Learned and taught the snake-wrangling techniques of pile driving, chokeslamming, and/or flute playing Other job responsibilities include allowing snakes into the store each morning, stunts involving flamethrowers for dramatic effect, and daily invocation of St. Patrick Lead Product Tester, Mile High Dispensary, Denver, Colorado
Oversaw and partook in the testing and quality control of store product Responsible for the creative aromatherapy of the collective customer population Aided customers and coworkers in the reaching of a higher level of consciousness DJ KHALED
BITCH PLEASE I'M DJ KHALED Grand Poobah, Separationist People's Republic of Northwestern Madagascar
Responsible for the command, control, and eventual mass murder of a small guerrilla faction designed to overthrow and replace the government of Madagascar Gained experience in the art of hypocrisy THIS IS ALSO MY VALUABLE LEADERSHIP EXPERIENCE, TAKE NOTE Senior Buyer, From Home, Long Term
Secured quotes from vendors of required resources to obtain most favorable price terms and services Planned and discussed long term contracts and terms Monitored supply chain initiatives including coordinating supplier selection Inducted, valuated, and tracked vendors cost, quality, and delivery activity Looked over logistics to insure goods timely shipment with proper documentation Inbreeding Geneticist, Old Dead Tree Hill, West Virginia
Consulted with couples of direct blood linkage and determined the safety of their potential reproduction Performed 21-point test on all patients, which included measurements of height, weight, cholesterol levels, and density of ear hair Listened to over 600 different renditions of "Country Roads"  
AWARDS
Participation trophies: Little League Baseball, Little League Football, Big League Hog Calling
Championship trophies: Little League Baseball, Little League Football, Big Boys Don't Need No Participation Trophies Society of Distinguished Athletes
Community: Recipient of the 1997 Oak Springs, Arkansas, Bill Cosby Award for Youth Development and Excellence
Military: Graduated top of my class in the Navy SEALs
 
CERTIFICATIONS
Certified Water Slide Lifeguard
Certified Wax Technician
American Red Cross certified Level 3 Threat
 
@eaglesfan036 hello

I think I just found my new best friend