Life Help Thread 2.0

[scoop 3,264]

Because where else can I come with my "girl problems" but the VHL. This one isn't quite as pathetic as the last time I made a thread like this, but it's still probably not worthy of a thread. But I don't have many people in my life with whom I talk about things like this, and it helps to calm me down and get the words out there, re-read what I just wrote, and realize that I need to just stop overthinking it.

 

I'll try to be brief in case you actually care to read it.

 

I work overnights at Wal-Mart. On my lunch breaks, I used to sometimes go over to the gas station nearby. This past winter, there was a new girl working there who I became interested in. I saw her there and we had short chats a couple times, and maybe the 4th or 5th time I saw her there, I asked her for her number. This was some time early in January I think. She informed me that she had a boyfriend, and that was that. I saw her there a few more times over the next couple of months, but she kind of fell out of my memory since then.

 

That was, up until a couple weeks ago when I went into work and lo and behold, there she was. Apparently she was starting at Wal-Mart. I talked with her during our lunch break. She mentioned having moved to a city about an hour away where she lived with her boyfriend and his parents, but she came back because she broke up with her boyfriend (but they got back together). Even though they got back together, she said she wasn't going to move back, so she's here now, working overnights at Wal-Mart same as me.

 

I talk with her on our lunch breaks and if we see each other in passing. Neither of us drive, so one day when she didn't have a ride home, at her request we walked together for the common 0.5 miles towards our respective homes. I very much enjoy talking with her, making her laugh. Last winter when I was interested in her, it wasn't a big deal, because I really hadn't spent any significant time with her apart from a few casual conversations. Now I'm getting somewhat of an idea what kind of person she is, at least on the surface, and I am even more interested. Infatuated, I might say. I don't know about obsessed, but when I'm at work (particularly on the days she is off) mindlessly stocking shelves, I can't help but think about her. The same goes for when I'm lying in bed trying to sleep 15 minutes ago. If I'm not doing something that requires an ounce of thought, I'm at risk of thinking about her. About her smile. About the way she looks at me; and that's something that I don't know what to think about. I'm not sure I've ever felt as sure as I do that a girl was interested in me as I do with this one. That's really not saying much, though. And I'm terrible at reading situations like this. Plus there's the whole boyfriend thing.

 

The fact that she has mentioned that she still has a boyfriend is really the only thing that's stopping me from trying to "make a move." I don't know much about their relationship, how long they've been together or exactly how stable it is. She did mention that they broke up and got back together, so there's that. My desired outcome here is to end up in a relationship with this girl. She's super cool and has an awesome sense of humor. I'd like to think that just being friends would be alright, but I don't know. In the wise words of Sam Weir, "I don't need another friend. I already have two. I mean, how many more friends does a guy need?"

 

/rant thanks for being an outlet VHL

 

tl;dr

Asked a girl for her number last January, she had a boyfriend. Now she works where I work. She mentioned that she broke up with her boyfriend but they got back together. She's super cool and I'm interested.

[Smarch 2,951]

#friendzoned

[Dangles13 373]

Fight the boyfriend and exert your dominance over him, girls dig that. 

 

 

 

You're kind of stuck in the friendzone like Smarch said, nothing you can do now but wait it out or move on.

[Banackock 7,720]

26 minutes ago, Dangles13 said:

Fight the boyfriend and exert your dominance over him, girls dig that. 

 

 

 

You're kind of stuck in the friendzone like Smarch said, nothing you can do now but wait it out or move on.

Move on or make a move imo. I personally don't believe in cheating but hey, if you offer her a better option, she'll take it. After all, at the end of the day this life is about whatever brings you most happiness and if you do that @Streetlight, you'll be thinking about more than that smile. You'll be thinking about that nice, soft, wet.. kiss of her!  

[TheLastOlympian07 2,388]

well how big is the other guy do we know? I'd rather not have you fight him if he some big dude  

 

however im sure its not as easy as make a move or move on. because if you make that move and shes not interested than you guys wont be the same? i dont know bud, i dont envy you in this situation. 

[Banackock 7,720]

1 minute ago, StevenStamkos91 said:

well how big is the other guy do we know? I'd rather not have you fight him if he some big dude  

 

however im sure its not as easy as make a move or move on. because if you make that move and shes not interested than you guys wont be the same? i dont know bud, i dont envy you in this situation. 

He doesn't want a friendship I'd imagine. Evidently he wants more and if he can't get more, it'll never be the "same" for him. He'll always want more.

 

Thus, all in or all out. Again, I'm against it because you have to respect she's in a relationship BUT if you'e going to make a move, don't just ask her out or some dumb shit. Take your time to charm her, make her laugh, make her smile, make her happy. Focus on her happiness and I'm sure it'll all come. Don't rush into it. All great things take time to become. Just don't make her your world. The world is much bigger than one person or anything individual. 

[scoop 3,264]

37 minutes ago, Banackock said:

Move on or make a move imo. I personally don't believe in cheating but hey, if you offer her a better option, she'll take it. After all, at the end of the day this life is about whatever brings you most happiness and if you do that @Streetlight, you'll be thinking about more than that smile. You'll be thinking about that nice, soft, wet.. kiss of her!  

This is kind of my thought too. I'd like to know the nature of her other relationship a little better, but I don't really have the means of finding that out, because I don't want to straight up talk to her about that. But if the relationship is shaky, then I want to present myself as another (better) option for her to make her mind up. Like, I want to make my intent clear and let her make her own mind up.

 

My biggest concern is that yeah, it may ruin what could be a friendship, and if I knew that absolutely nothing more could come of this, then I think we could be good friends.

[Evans 305]

This is going to sound dumb, but trust me. 

 

Rub one out and see if you are as interested in her immediately after. 

[scoop 3,264]

1 minute ago, Evans said:

This is going to sound dumb, but trust me. 

 

Rub one out and see if you are as interested in her immediately after. 

Strange thing, I actually haven't had the urge to do so the past couple weeks. At all.

[scoop 3,264]

16 minutes ago, Banackock said:

Thus, all in or all out. Again, I'm against it because you have to respect she's in a relationship BUT if you'e going to make a move, don't just ask her out or some dumb shit. Take your time to charm her, make her laugh, make her smile, make her happy. Focus on her happiness and I'm sure it'll all come. Don't rush into it. All great things take time to become. Just don't make her your world. The world is much bigger than one person or anything individual. 

That's basically my plan. I'll be my hilarious, awesome self. It could very well become apparent to her that I'm interested, and if so, she can do with that what she wants.

 

And not that I'm making her my world, but it's hard for me not to think about her when I'm lying in bed with nothing else on my mind. Or when I'm actually asleep dreaming about her, as the case was just before I woke up from 1.5 hours of sleep just now.

[BOOM 8,439]

Does she like juggling?

 

I wish you well, whatever happens. Tricky situation but I hope you get the result you're after.

[stevo 760]

49 minutes ago, boom said:

Does she like juggling?

 

I wish you well, whatever happens. Tricky situation but I hope you get the result you're after.

I thought I'd come in here and see a post of yours that also contains something that juggles  

[scoop 3,264]

Update: considering the fact that she's unnecessarily brought up her boyfriend a few times in conversation already, I feel like she's trying to send me a message. So my expectations remain tempered and my hopes are dwindling, but I'm cool with proceeding as friends I guess. We had plans to hang out/drink at her place this past Wednesday but she had to cancel because her roommate was having family over.

 

I did also find out that she did recognize me and remember that I had asked her for her number previously.

Edited June 18, 2016 by Streetlight

[gorlab 4,321]

On 6/11/2016 at 0:33 PM, Evans said:

This is going to sound dumb, but trust me. 

 

Rub one out and see if you are as interested in her immediately after. 

 

 

talk to these young niggas!!!!!!!!

[JardyB10 4,836]

My 2 cents:

 

I feel like the "friend zone" is a bit of an unfair logical fallacy. If someone is only friends with someone because they want something from them, like access to their Nintendo, or family cabin, or more relevantly, their heart/vagina, then that doesn't make them a very good friend.

 

If you think she's a swell enough dude to be friends with, then you should be friends with her, and treat her like you would any of your other friends. Don't do it just because it could one day lead to a romantic relationship. 

 

Which, I should mention, isn't out of the question either. It doesn't seem unlikely to me that she will one day split with her boyfriend. And MAYBE at that time she could see you as a potential mate. And if that's a mutual feeling at that point, then cool. BUT, the flip side to that is she still might not be interested in you romantically. And as her friend, she might even confide her feelings to you, or talk to you about other guys, and you'll have to be okay with that, because you're her friend and friends do that. If you're not okay with that, then you'll need to make that clear at some point that your friendship only goes so far.

 

Anyway, my advice would be to make friends with her if she's worth being friends with. Maybe things won't work out with her, but she maybe would be inclined to try to set you up with some of her other friends, who must share qualities with her if they're friends and all.

 

Just don't be friends with her and then get mad later that she doesn't want anything more, cuz that's not how friends do.

[.sniffuM 1,741]

39 minutes ago, JardyB10 said:

Just don't be friends with her and then get mad later that she doesn't want anything more, cuz that's not how friends do.

 

This is very important to remember. Don't be like me, I had a kinda similar situation when I was 14 and the girl strung me along for a year before I cracked and blew up on her via text. It wasn't as cut and dry as I liked her and she didn't like me, but at the end that's what it boiled down to.

 

Then it became pretty awkward when I found out she goes to my college (we met through a friend, she didn't go to my high school). We've had two classes together. Not fun.

[scoop 3,264]

46 minutes ago, JardyB10 said:

I feel like the "friend zone" is a bit of an unfair logical fallacy. If someone is only friends with someone because they want something from them, like access to their Nintendo, or family cabin, or more relevantly, their heart/vagina, then that doesn't make them a very good friend.

 

If you think she's a swell enough dude to be friends with, then you should be friends with her, and treat her like you would any of your other friends. Don't do it just because it could one day lead to a romantic relationship.

 

My initial dilemma was kind of the opposite. I feared that if I became friends with her, it would hurt my chances at anything more (friend zone bullshit etc etc). So my dilemma was not become good friends even though she's cool but hope for something more or become friends and don't expect anything more. I decided that proceeding as friends without expecting anything more is for the best.

 

 

49 minutes ago, JardyB10 said:

And as her friend, she might even confide her feelings to you, or talk to you about other guys, and you'll have to be okay with that, because you're her friend and friends do that. If you're not okay with that, then you'll need to make that clear at some point that your friendship only goes so far.

 

Yeah I've been there before. We weren't super close friends and I wasn't super into her, but it was still a little awkward. Time passed and everything was okay, we remained friends as we had been, but kind of drifted apart over the years because that's just the way things go.

 

 

57 minutes ago, JardyB10 said:

Just don't be friends with her and then get mad later that she doesn't want anything more, cuz that's not how friends do.

 

that's not how I do

[scoop 3,264]

On 6/11/2016 at 1:33 PM, Evans said:

This is going to sound dumb, but trust me. 

 

Rub one out and see if you are as interested in her immediately after. 

I trust you. So I did it. The answer is yes.

[Evans 305]

8 minutes ago, Streetlight said:

I trust you. So I did it. The answer is yes.

 

Okay. That's good because that means the attraction is more than physical. 

 

You need to let her know how you feel. Don't settle for the friend zone before you do that. Make little flirty gestures in your conversations to show her that you expect this to lead to more than just friends. Start with the hints. If she doesn't bite, sit down with her and lay it all out. 

 

Dont end up being that guys that gives her advice about relationships. That could end up to her giving you a chance down the road, but that is a very very long play that will probably break your heart before it makes it happy. 

[scoop 3,264]

Just now, Evans said:

 

Okay. That's good because that means the attraction is more than physical. 

 

You need to let her know how you feel. Don't settle for the friend zone before you do that. Make little flirty gestures in your conversations to show her that you expect this to lead to more than just friends. Start with the hints. If she doesn't bite, sit down with her and lay it all out. 

 

Don't end up being that guys that gives her advice about relationships. That could end up to her giving you a chance down the road, but that is a very very long play that will probably break your heart before it makes it happy. 

 

Yeah but she has a boyfriend, and sometimes it seems like she's trying to make a point of reminding me of that by unnecessarily bringing him up. That makes me think she's aware that I'm interested and is trying to tell me she's not. I don't have expectations that this will lead to more than just friends.

 

And I definitely don't want to be that guy. I'll be friends, but far as I can help it, I won't be that guy.

[Evans 305]

20 minutes ago, Streetlight said:

 

Yeah but she has a boyfriend, and sometimes it seems like she's trying to make a point of reminding me of that by unnecessarily bringing him up. That makes me think she's aware that I'm interested and is trying to tell me she's not. I don't have expectations that this will lead to more than just friends.

 

And I definitely don't want to be that guy. I'll be friends, but far as I can help it, I won't be that guy.

 

So make sure you make that apparent now. Don't fall into some routine of being the guy that she opens up to about her relationships and shit. Girls want a guy friend like that, but it will never be more than that. 

 

Tell her you are interested in her and can't be hanging out/talking while she has a guy out of respect. Then put some distance between you to. If she keeps pressing you, there has to be some sort of interest on her end. 

[scoop 3,264]

35 minutes ago, Evans said:

So make sure you make that apparent now. Don't fall into some routine of being the guy that she opens up to about her relationships and shit. Girls want a guy friend like that, but it will never be more than that. 

 

Tell her you are interested in her and can't be hanging out/talking while she has a guy out of respect. Then put some distance between you to. If she keeps pressing you, there has to be some sort of interest on her end. 

When I say that she's bringing up her boyfriend, it isn't in a way that she's trying to talk to me about him. She just sometimes makes mention of him in conversation sometimes. Far as I can remember, she's never actually tried to open up to me about anything like that.

 

The thing is though I'm fine with just being friends if that's all she wants. Well, at least that's what I'm telling myself. I guess it'll probably be harder to move on if we stay friends and I don't say anything. I was able to move on easy enough the last time I was interested in a friend who did not share the same feeling after I opened up. But if I'm going to let her know of my interest, I want to be able to stay friends even if she's not interested.

 

Then again, if I'm convinced that she already knows I'm interested, really what's the harm in confirming that for her?

Edited June 19, 2016 by Streetlight

[scoop 3,264]

maybe I'll just get her super wasted some day and try to extract information from her

[Will 4,609]

My 2 cents is JardyB10 advice > Evans advice.

 

I think being too assertive about your 'romantic intentions' with someone who is in a relationship, obvious moral issues aside (unless he's a total doucher but presumably you would have mentioned this by now if that was the case), would be a mistake. As great as it might sound, when you're looking at a long-term future with this person I think you have to ask if sort of 'convincing her' to dump her BF and come running into your arms is really the foundation you want to build a relationship on. To me, it'd be better to let her come to the decision to leave him on her own and then seeing what kind of a shot you might have rather than trying to swoop her off her feet and, if it works, running the risk of her realizing down the line that she got caught up in honeymoon feelings and made a hasty decision to leave her BF. 

 

Like you said, she probably already knows you're interested and if you want to make sure she knows than sure, drop the subtle hints and whatnot, but as far as sitting her down and giving her ultimatums that you can't talk while she has a guy goes - I don't think you would really want to force it that much. Sure it would be all peaches and rainbows at first but I think, when you go down that road, the chances of it lasting would be reduced. It sounds like things might be rocky in her relationship as it is so I would advise to keep being your best self for awhile longer without worrying about it too much and seeing where the wind takes you. 

 

tl;dr I think trying to build a serious relationship on a foundation of sort of pseudo-infidelity is a recipe for disaster. 

[scoop 3,264]

4 minutes ago, Draper said:

My 2 cents is JardyB10 advice > Evans advice.

 

I think being too assertive about your 'romantic intentions' with someone who is in a relationship, obvious moral issues aside (unless he's a total doucher but presumably you would have mentioned this by now if that was the case), would be a mistake. As great as it might sound, when you're looking at a long-term future with this person I think you have to ask if sort of 'convincing her' to dump her BF and come running into your arms is really the foundation you want to build a relationship on. To me, it'd be better to let her come to the decision to leave him on her own and then seeing what kind of a shot you might have rather than trying to swoop her off her feet and, if it works, running the risk of her realizing down the line that she got caught up in honeymoon feelings and made a hasty decision to leave her BF. 

 

Like you said, she probably already knows you're interested and if you want to make sure she knows than sure, drop the subtle hints and whatnot, but as far as sitting her down and giving her ultimatums that you can't talk while she has a guy goes - I don't think you would really want to force it that much. Sure it would be all peaches and rainbows at first but I think, when you go down that road, the chances of it lasting would be reduced. It sounds like things might be rocky in her relationship as it is so I would advise to keep being your best self for awhile longer without worrying about it too much and seeing where the wind takes you. 

 

tl;dr I think trying to build a serious relationship on a foundation of sort of pseudo-infidelity is a recipe for disaster. 

I certainly wouldn't put it out there as an ultimatum.  If I were going to talk to her about it, I'd still want to at least be friends regardless  of how she responds.  But I think it would help me get over her faster if I don't have a shot. Still, at this point in time I'm not planning to. 

 

And I would want it to be on their own terms for their relationship to end. If I knew she were willing to end a relationship with some other guy just to start one with me, I think in the back of my mind I'd eventually fear that she may be  to do the same to me.