eaglesfan036 4,598 Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 Hello VHL, I recently watched a hilarious Ted Talk Video on a man who trolled a spam email from India. This inspired me to be the best I can be, and since then I have patiently waited for my opportunity. Today I received it in the form of a fake job offer from an Indian guy, promising me a stay at home job for 90k that definitely won't involve me paying thousands of dollars in fees or giving away my social security information! I ask the VHL to help my create the most ridiculous sounding resume to send to this email address, so give me some bullet points! Also, if anyone else wants to send their resume to this email address I strongly encourage it Seabass 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Senior Admin Will 4,660 Posted August 22, 2019 Senior Admin Share Posted August 22, 2019 12 years experience in operating heavy equipment under the influence of narcotics eaglesfan036 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eaglesfan036 4,598 Posted August 22, 2019 Author Share Posted August 22, 2019 1 minute ago, Will said: 12 years experience in operating heavy equipment under the influence of narcotics now we are onto something, good start! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dil 1,760 Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 Stop trolling me. I’m just trying to support my family. eaglesfan036 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eaglesfan036 4,598 Posted August 22, 2019 Author Share Posted August 22, 2019 (edited) Master List so far: Penetration Tester (this is a real IT job) Crash test dummy Snake Wrangler Assistant to the Regional Manager 12 years experience in operating heavy equipment under the influence of narcotics And the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in Wales Edited August 22, 2019 by eaglesfan036 mediocrepony 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eaglesfan036 4,598 Posted August 22, 2019 Author Share Posted August 22, 2019 Anthony McLovin 690 Queen Road, Intercourse, PA 17529 / 610-867-5309 / eaglesfan_25@yahoo.com WORK EXPERIENCE Assistant to the Regional Manager; Dunder Mifflin (Scranton, PA) 2018-Present · Leading salesman at largest paper company in Scranton area Pennsylvania · Eliminated company costs by providing barebones health insurance · Bed and breakfast can be provided at Schrute Farms for reasonable pricing (see our TripAdvisor reviews) Crash Test Dummy; United Airlines (Philadelphia, PA) 2016-2018 · 2 years of experience in operating heavy equipment under the influence of narcotics · Studied Japanese World War II pilots for best results · Provided physical encouragement for passengers who refused to depart the plane Snake Wrangler; Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (Wales) 2014-2016 · International internship as part of snake program · Wrangled snakes ranging from 2 inches to 12 inches · Utilized price discrimination based upon difficultly of task at hand Penetration Tester; Bob’s Hot Dogs (Intercourse, PA) 2012-2014 · Top level information technology position for technological security · Explored a variety of ways Bob’s Hot Dog could be penetrated to enhance security EDUCATION Arizona State University (Graduated, cum laude,) GPA: 3.7 a_Ferk, .sniffuM and mediocrepony 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Berocka 2,263 Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 Manager of a pharmaceutical operation Allenwood USP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gustav 6,402 Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 James "The Whimmy Jimmy Jimbo-Tron Sex Machine" Benjamin Carl J. Jonah Jameson MMCXII 251 North Bristol Ave., Los Angeles, CA, 90094, in West Philadelphia born and raised 1-877-CASH-NOW AlgaaliuMjFschiaon@yahoo.com Make sure to smash that like button here OBJECTIVE What the hell do you think? I want money. EDUCATION School of Hard Knocks Bachelor of Science, Internal Medicine, April 2069 Minors in Urdu and Music Performance (Electric Didgeridoo) GPA: 1.6 Dean's List: Fall 2067, Spring 2068 SKILLS Languages: Fluent in Sugandese and able to sing the Spanish parts of "Despacito" from memory Computer Skills: Able to accurately mimic the startup noise of Windows XP; also I develop software sometimes Physical: Once made a sick catch in gym class, can run a mile in under three days Attention Span: Have seen both a full baseball game and a full Grateful Dead concert Gaming: Able to stand up to the oppression of society Intellect: Fan of Rick and Morty, online tested IQ of 156 Musical: Able to play Van Halen's "Eruption," as well as "Hot Cross Buns," on the penny whistle, cowbell, and boomwhackers EMPLOYMENT Snake Wrangler, Walmart, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Wales Responsible for the prevention of approximately $420.69 million in snake-related lawsuits on a daily basis Learned and taught the snake-wrangling techniques of pile driving, chokeslamming, and/or flute playing Other job responsibilities include allowing snakes into the store each morning, stunts involving flamethrowers for dramatic effect, and daily invocation of St. Patrick Lead Product Tester, Mile High Dispensary, Denver, Colorado Oversaw and partook in the testing and quality control of store product Responsible for the creative aromatherapy of the collective customer population Aided customers and coworkers in the reaching of a higher level of consciousness DJ KHALED BITCH PLEASE I'M DJ KHALED Grand Poobah, Separationist People's Republic of Northwestern Madagascar Responsible for the command, control, and eventual mass murder of a small guerrilla faction designed to overthrow and replace the government of Madagascar Gained experience in the art of hypocrisy THIS IS ALSO MY VALUABLE LEADERSHIP EXPERIENCE, TAKE NOTE Senior Buyer, From Home, Long Term Secured quotes from vendors of required resources to obtain most favorable price terms and services Planned and discussed long term contracts and terms Monitored supply chain initiatives including coordinating supplier selection Inducted, valuated, and tracked vendors cost, quality, and delivery activity Looked over logistics to insure goods timely shipment with proper documentation Inbreeding Geneticist, Old Dead Tree Hill, West Virginia Consulted with couples of direct blood linkage and determined the safety of their potential reproduction Performed 21-point test on all patients, which included measurements of height, weight, cholesterol levels, and density of ear hair Listened to over 600 different renditions of "Country Roads" AWARDS Participation trophies: Little League Baseball, Little League Football, Big League Hog Calling Championship trophies: Little League Baseball, Little League Football, Big Boys Don't Need No Participation Trophies Society of Distinguished Athletes Community: Recipient of the 1997 Oak Springs, Arkansas, Bill Cosby Award for Youth Development and Excellence Military: Graduated top of my class in the Navy SEALs CERTIFICATIONS Certified Water Slide Lifeguard Certified Wax Technician American Red Cross certified Level 3 Threat @eaglesfan036 hello mediocrepony, eaglesfan036, NotAVHLM-GM and 3 others 2 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diamond_ace 3,112 Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 Ardsvuni Tigran Khorenatsi Astavdzaturyan Organized Leader of the Artsakh Oblast, Nagorno-Karabakh Region - Controls the Armenian-nationalized Nagorno-Karabakh Region, located as an enclave inside the borders of Azerbaijan - Does not recognize Azerbaijani authority - Fights for the independence of the Nagorno-Karabakh people, would settle for Armenian rule - Yells "Down with the Azerbaijani tyrants!" once every three hours; dedication to this task is unerring and results in restless bouts of brief sleep Former freedom fighter, Artsakh Oblast, Nagorno-Karabakh Region - Fought for the return of Artsakh to its time as a principality in the Middle Ages - Read Elegy on the Death of Grand Prince Juansher to the people every Tuesday at 1, so that they may remember the glory days of the independence of Artsakh Former clergyman of the great prophet, Henrikh Mkhitaryan, Armenian glorious overlord of all Accommodations needed: - Must be willing to give 4 days between shifts, as travel is limited to a poorly maintained railway line between Ketelparaq and Stepanakert, and then outgoing flights from Stepanakert. - Must make enough money per shift to pay for the flights both in and out of Stepanakert, and the train tickets both to and from Ketelparaq. - Must be given off May 29 every year, as it is a holy day of rememberance of the martyrdom of Great Prophet Henrikh Mkhitaryan, when the Azerbaijani tyrants cut him down rather than allow him to enter their country. Gustav, .sniffuM and Nykonax 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nykonax 1,563 Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 the resume can't be too fake, it needs to look somewhat legit for them to continue if that's your goal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nykonax 1,563 Posted August 22, 2019 Share Posted August 22, 2019 (edited) RESUME Mike Hockertz email whatever else EDUCATION Masters Degree in Sales and Buying Logistics - 1.7 GPA Bachelors Degree in Sales and Buying Logistics from University of Alabama - 2.0 GPA High School Degree - Graduated with a 2.3 GPA Middle School Degree - Graduated with B- Elementary School Degree - Graduated with A+ WORK EXPERIENCE Junior Buyer 2013-2019 - Secured quotes from vendors of required resources - Tracked purchase price, quality, and delivery speed - Bought and resold girl guide cookies. Quality Assurance Dummy 2012 - Tested the safety of scrap cars bought and resold - Tested the safety of resale items such as can openers and jetpacks Best Buy Employee - March 31st 2011 - April 2nd 2011 - Sold various electronics to consumers - Played with the beeping security sensors on company time SKILLS Multiple hours in the Office 365 Suite including Excel, PowerPoint, and Word Strong communication and negotiation skills Able to wrangle a snake up to 9 inches if needed can improve this however, especially the job descriptions Edited August 22, 2019 by Nykonax mediocrepony 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Head Moderator frescoelmo 1,276 Posted August 22, 2019 Head Moderator Share Posted August 22, 2019 Extracurricular activities: Master 'bater in Model UN Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Banackock 8,044 Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 How did this go this is amazing plz more of these Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eaglesfan036 4,598 Posted September 4, 2020 Author Share Posted September 4, 2020 47 minutes ago, Banackock said: How did this go this is amazing plz more of these They never responded Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boubabi 4,725 Posted September 4, 2020 Share Posted September 4, 2020 Tell him you're a flyers fan The best joke of all time eaglesfan036 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eaglesfan036 4,598 Posted September 4, 2020 Author Share Posted September 4, 2020 35 minutes ago, boubabi said: Tell him you're a flyers fan The best joke of all time This is anti USA I am offended rory 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mediocrepony 1,216 Posted September 30, 2020 Share Posted September 30, 2020 (edited) Jonny Neutrino DOB: 4/20/69 Booty Lake, Canada Graduated from Stanfurd Colleje with a 4.002 GPA I specialize in animal work. Chick sexer- I gauged the sex of baby chicks for 3 years. Accuracy rate of 92.9 % Penguin Breeder- I breeded penguins for 7 years at the Toronto Zoo. Greatest achievment: Created penguin- human hybrid by fricking a penguin. Got me fired. Crash test dummy- Worked for Boeing Aerospace for 2 years, suffered life threating injury. Snake Milker- Milked snakes after recovering from aforementioned life threatening injury for 1 year until being bitten by a king cobra. SKILLS: I can speak Klingon and Ewok Fluently. I once caught a baseball in Little League. Ate the most hot dogs in a competition to throw out the ceremonial first pitch of the New York Mets. Threw it ten feet behind me. Edited October 1, 2020 by GrittyIsKing09 eaglesfan036 and a_Ferk 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N0HBDY 1,116 Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 Part time Home Depot dirt taster Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kendrick 4,741 Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 Worked as Fry Cook at Krusty Crab Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigAL 2,176 Posted June 7, 2021 Share Posted June 7, 2021 Fuel Transfer Technician, Canadian Tire Gas Bar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a_Ferk 766 Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 On 8/22/2019 at 12:11 AM, GustavMattias said: Make sure to smash that like button here I recognize that link... you can't fool me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gustav 6,402 Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 2 hours ago, a_Ferk said: I recognize that link... you can't fool me Took you long enough Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UnknownMinion 727 Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 work as a member of the human Slaughterhouse a_Ferk 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
a_Ferk 766 Posted June 19, 2021 Share Posted June 19, 2021 5 hours ago, Minion said: work as a member of the human Slaughterhouse sounds a lot like my latest RimWorld colony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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