Help Me Troll A Nigerian Prince Type Email (Fake Job Posting)

[eaglesfan036 4,601]

Hello VHL, I recently watched a hilarious Ted Talk Video on a man who trolled a spam email from India. This inspired me to be the best I can be, and since then I have patiently waited for my opportunity. Today I received it in the form of a fake job offer from an Indian guy, promising me a stay at home job for 90k that definitely won't involve me paying thousands of dollars in fees or giving away my social security information! 

 

I ask the VHL to help my create the most ridiculous sounding resume to send to this email address, so give me some bullet points! Also, if anyone else wants to send their resume to this email address I strongly encourage it

 

[Will 4,660]

• 12 years experience in operating heavy equipment under the influence of narcotics 

[eaglesfan036 4,601]

1 minute ago, Will said:

• 12 years experience in operating heavy equipment under the influence of narcotics 

now we are onto something, good start!

[Dil 1,760]

Stop trolling me. I’m just trying to support my family.

[eaglesfan036 4,601]

Master List so far:

 

Penetration Tester (this is a real IT job)

Crash test dummy

Snake Wrangler

Assistant to the Regional Manager

12 years experience in operating heavy equipment under the influence of narcotics 

•  

 

And the town of Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch in Wales

Edited August 22, 2019 by eaglesfan036

[eaglesfan036 4,601]

Anthony McLovin

690 Queen Road, Intercourse, PA 17529 / 610-867-5309 / eaglesfan_25@yahoo.com

 

WORK EXPERIENCE

Assistant to the Regional Manager; Dunder Mifflin (Scranton, PA)                                           2018-Present

·         Leading salesman at largest paper company in Scranton area Pennsylvania

·         Eliminated company costs by providing barebones health insurance

·         Bed and breakfast can be provided at Schrute Farms for reasonable pricing (see our TripAdvisor reviews)

Crash Test Dummy; United Airlines (Philadelphia, PA)                                                   2016-2018

·         2 years of experience in operating heavy equipment under the influence of narcotics

·         Studied Japanese World War II pilots for best results

·         Provided physical encouragement for passengers who refused to depart the plane

Snake Wrangler; Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch  (Wales)                                      2014-2016

·         International internship as part of snake program

·         Wrangled snakes ranging from 2 inches to 12 inches

·          Utilized price discrimination based upon difficultly of task at hand

Penetration Tester; Bob’s Hot Dogs (Intercourse, PA)                                                  2012-2014                                   

·         Top level information technology position for technological security

·         Explored a variety of ways Bob’s Hot Dog could be penetrated to enhance security

EDUCATION

Arizona State University (Graduated, cum laude,)                                           

GPA: 3.7

[Berocka 2,263]

Manager of a pharmaceutical operation Allenwood USP

[Gustav 6,407]

James "The Whimmy Jimmy Jimbo-Tron Sex Machine" Benjamin Carl J. Jonah Jameson MMCXII

251 North Bristol Ave., Los Angeles, CA, 90094, in West Philadelphia born and raised

1-877-CASH-NOW

AlgaaliuMjFschiaon@yahoo.com

Make sure to smash that like button here

 

OBJECTIVE

What the hell do you think? I want money.

 

EDUCATION

School of Hard Knocks

Bachelor of Science, Internal Medicine, April 2069

Minors in Urdu and Music Performance (Electric Didgeridoo)

GPA: 1.6

Dean's List: Fall 2067, Spring 2068

 

SKILLS

Languages: Fluent in Sugandese and able to sing the Spanish parts of "Despacito" from memory

Computer Skills: Able to accurately mimic the startup noise of Windows XP; also I develop software sometimes

Physical: Once made a sick catch in gym class, can run a mile in under three days

Attention Span: Have seen both a full baseball game and a full Grateful Dead concert

Gaming: Able to stand up to the oppression of society

Intellect: Fan of Rick and Morty, online tested IQ of 156

Musical: Able to play Van Halen's "Eruption," as well as "Hot Cross Buns," on the penny whistle, cowbell, and boomwhackers

 

EMPLOYMENT

Snake Wrangler, Walmart, Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch, Wales

• Responsible for the prevention of approximately $420.69 million in snake-related lawsuits on a daily basis
• Learned and taught the snake-wrangling techniques of pile driving, chokeslamming, and/or flute playing
• Other job responsibilities include allowing snakes into the store each morning, stunts involving flamethrowers for dramatic effect, and daily invocation of St. Patrick

Lead Product Tester, Mile High Dispensary, Denver, Colorado

• Oversaw and partook in the testing and quality control of store product
• Responsible for the creative aromatherapy of the collective customer population
• Aided customers and coworkers in the reaching of a higher level of consciousness

DJ KHALED

• BITCH PLEASE I'M DJ KHALED

Grand Poobah, Separationist People's Republic of Northwestern Madagascar

• Responsible for the command, control, and eventual mass murder of a small guerrilla faction designed to overthrow and replace the government of Madagascar
• Gained experience in the art of hypocrisy
• THIS IS ALSO MY VALUABLE LEADERSHIP EXPERIENCE, TAKE NOTE

Senior Buyer, From Home, Long Term

• Secured quotes from vendors of required resources to obtain most favorable price terms and services
• Planned and discussed long term contracts and terms
• Monitored supply chain initiatives including coordinating supplier selection
• Inducted, valuated, and tracked vendors cost, quality, and delivery activity
• Looked over logistics to insure goods timely shipment with proper documentation

Inbreeding Geneticist, Old Dead Tree Hill, West Virginia

• Consulted with couples of direct blood linkage and determined the safety of their potential reproduction
• Performed 21-point test on all patients, which included measurements of height, weight, cholesterol levels, and density of ear hair
• Listened to over 600 different renditions of "Country Roads"

 

AWARDS

Participation trophies: Little League Baseball, Little League Football, Big League Hog Calling

Championship trophies: Little League Baseball, Little League Football, Big Boys Don't Need No Participation Trophies Society of Distinguished Athletes

Community: Recipient of the 1997 Oak Springs, Arkansas, Bill Cosby Award for Youth Development and Excellence

Military: Graduated top of my class in the Navy SEALs

 

CERTIFICATIONS

Certified Water Slide Lifeguard

Certified Wax Technician

American Red Cross certified Level 3 Threat

 

@eaglesfan036 hello

[diamond_ace 3,112]

Ardsvuni Tigran Khorenatsi Astavdzaturyan

 

Organized Leader of the Artsakh Oblast, Nagorno-Karabakh Region

- Controls the Armenian-nationalized Nagorno-Karabakh Region, located as an enclave inside the borders of Azerbaijan

- Does not recognize Azerbaijani authority

- Fights for the independence of the Nagorno-Karabakh people, would settle for Armenian rule

- Yells "Down with the Azerbaijani tyrants!" once every three hours; dedication to this task is unerring and results in restless bouts of brief sleep

 

Former freedom fighter, Artsakh Oblast, Nagorno-Karabakh Region

- Fought for the return of Artsakh to its time as a principality in the Middle Ages

- Read Elegy on the Death of Grand Prince Juansher to the people every Tuesday at 1, so that they may remember the glory days of the independence of Artsakh

 

Former clergyman of the great prophet, Henrikh Mkhitaryan, Armenian glorious overlord of all

 

Accommodations needed:

- Must be willing to give 4 days between shifts, as travel is limited to a poorly maintained railway line between Ketelparaq and Stepanakert, and then outgoing flights from Stepanakert.

 

- Must make enough money per shift to pay for the flights both in and out of Stepanakert, and the train tickets both to and from Ketelparaq.

 

- Must be given off May 29 every year, as it is a holy day of rememberance of the martyrdom of Great Prophet Henrikh Mkhitaryan, when the Azerbaijani tyrants cut him down rather than allow him to enter their country.

[Nykonax 1,564]

the resume can't be too fake, it needs to look somewhat legit for them to continue if that's your goal

[Nykonax 1,564]

RESUME

Mike Hockertz

email
whatever else

 

EDUCATION

Masters Degree in Sales and Buying Logistics - 1.7 GPA
Bachelors Degree in Sales and Buying Logistics from University of Alabama - 2.0 GPA
High School Degree - Graduated with a 2.3 GPA
Middle School Degree - Graduated with B-
Elementary School Degree - Graduated with A+

WORK EXPERIENCE

 

Junior Buyer 2013-2019
- Secured quotes from vendors of required resources
- Tracked purchase price, quality, and delivery speed
- Bought and resold girl guide cookies.

 

Quality Assurance Dummy 2012

- Tested the safety of scrap cars bought and resold
- Tested the safety of resale items such as can openers and jetpacks

 

Best Buy Employee - March 31st 2011 - April 2nd 2011
- Sold various electronics to consumers
- Played with the beeping security sensors on company time

SKILLS

 

Multiple hours in the Office 365 Suite including Excel, PowerPoint, and Word
Strong communication and negotiation skills
Able to wrangle a snake up to 9 inches if needed

 

can improve this however, especially the job descriptions

Edited August 22, 2019 by Nykonax

[frescoelmo 1,276]

Extracurricular activities: Master 'bater in Model UN

[Banackock 8,044]

How did this go

 

this is amazing

 

plz more of these 

[eaglesfan036 4,601]

47 minutes ago, Banackock said:

How did this go

 

this is amazing

 

plz more of these 

They never responded

[boubabi 4,725]

Tell him you're a flyers fan

 

The best joke of all time

[eaglesfan036 4,601]

35 minutes ago, boubabi said:

Tell him you're a flyers fan

 

The best joke of all time

This is anti USA I am offended 

[mediocrepony 1,216]

Jonny Neutrino

DOB: 4/20/69

Booty Lake, Canada

 

Graduated from Stanfurd Colleje with a 4.002 GPA

 

I specialize in animal work.

 

Chick sexer- 

I gauged the sex of baby chicks for 3 years. Accuracy rate of 92.9 %

 

Penguin Breeder-

I breeded penguins for 7 years at the Toronto Zoo.

Greatest achievment: Created penguin- human hybrid by fricking a penguin. Got me fired.

 

Crash test dummy-

Worked for Boeing Aerospace for 2 years, suffered life threating injury.

 

Snake Milker-

Milked snakes after recovering from aforementioned life threatening injury for 1 year until being bitten by a king cobra.

 

SKILLS:

I can speak Klingon and Ewok Fluently.

I once caught a baseball in Little League.

Ate the most hot dogs in a competition to throw out the ceremonial first pitch of the New York Mets. Threw it ten feet behind me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 1, 2020 by GrittyIsKing09

[N0HBDY 1,117]

Part time Home Depot dirt taster

[Kendrick 4,741]

Worked as Fry Cook at Krusty Crab

[bigAL 2,176]

Fuel Transfer Technician, Canadian Tire Gas Bar

[a_Ferk 766]

On 8/22/2019 at 12:11 AM, GustavMattias said:

Make sure to smash that like button here

I recognize that link... you can't fool me 

[Gustav 6,407]

2 hours ago, a_Ferk said:

I recognize that link... you can't fool me 

 

Took you long enough

 

[UnknownMinion 727]

work as a member of the human Slaughterhouse

[a_Ferk 766]

5 hours ago, Minion said:

work as a member of the human Slaughterhouse

sounds a lot like my latest RimWorld colony