fishy kindly requests that u read this

[fishy 1,757]

Greetings, VHL!

 

By now, a handful of you probably know who I am one way or another. 

 

If you don’t, then hi, I’m fishy!!!!!!

 

After a lot of thought and back and forths, I’ve decided to make this announcement. I’ve spent so much mental and emotional energy thinking about how you all would react to it and worrying whether I would be alienated from the community as a result of sharing this with all of you. After rolling the idea around in my head for a little over a month and a couple discussions with folks in this league, I’ve come to realize that it’s not worth the stress or worry that I’ve been giving it. 

 

With that being said, I’d like to make a public notice that I’ve come out as non-binary and am requesting that you refer to me with they/them pronouns from this point forward. 

 

I know that this topic may be unfamiliar to a lot of you, which is why I’m going to take this opportunity to educate you, to the best of my ability as someone who is still learning, about what this experience has been like and means to me. I know this post is long, but I kindly ask that you skim through it. 

----------------------------------------------------

What does it mean to be non-binary?

This is a really big question, especially because non-binary is an umbrella term under “transgender.” I am only me, which means that I can only speak on behalf of my own experience and what it means to me as an individual, not everyone in the community. I realized that I was non-binary when I felt disconnected from she/her pronouns and traditional signs of womanhood. Without going into a lot of detail, I don’t feel that identifying as a cisgender* woman is the most true & honest representation of myself. To be non-binary is to identify outside of a “man” or “woman” label. Here’s the best representation I can give you:

 

Think of gender as a spectrum, looking something like this:

   [ --------------------------------------------------------------]

Man                                                                   Woman

 

For me, my gender exists outside of that “woman” area. Different people have different understandings of where the boundaries for man and woman are. Here’s a visible representation of where I feel like I exist on the gender spectrum:

   [ --------------------------------[---------------]---------------]

Man                                                                    Woman

 

*: To be cisgender is to identify with the gender that traditionally correlates with your birth sex. For example, my body has female biology, which means that my sex is female. To be cisgender would mean that my gender identity would be woman. The majority of people you talk to are probably cisgender.

 

What’s the difference between sex and gender?

Sex is biological, and gender is social. Someone’s sex is typically determined by their bodies. Gender is typically assigned in accordance with a person’s sex. 

 

The issue is that many people understand these two different identities as the same thing. However, gender only exists because we, as humans, decided it does. That’s it. That’s the only reason. 

 

I don’t want to go into a lot of detail here in order to avoid simply ranting, but I’m happy to discuss it further if you’d like to talk more about it.

 

Well, they/them are the third-person plural form, and you’re only one person.

You may not realize it, but English speakers actually use they/them in the singular quite often. Here’s an example:

 

Person 1: “Oh, yeah, my cousin really liked that movie!”

Person 2: “What was their favorite part? Did they think that the ending was as epic as I did?!”

 

Feels natural, right? I do recognize that it feels odd to use they/them intentionally, but it’s not as weird when you realize you already do it. 

----------------------------------------------------

I understand how confused you may be. I also recognize that, if you’ve gotten used to referring to me with she/her, that it may be difficult to make the mental switch. 

 

I also understand that this may be something you still feel really uncomfortable with. For that reason, although I strongly prefer they/them, it’s okay with me if you continue to use she/her. However, I ask that, if you do make this decision, you do so consciously and work to educate yourself on trans experiences. This post barely scratches the surface, and I’m only one person who can only speak on behalf of my own experiences. Additionally, if you do continue to use she/her, I ask that you make a point to refrain from using words like “girl,” “woman,” “girlfriend,” or the likes out of respect for that fact that I do not identify with those terms. 

 

I will not tolerate intentionally disrespectful or transphobic comments, and I will not hesitate to report anyone who ventures into that territory. I’m confident that my trust in you all is not misplaced. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me, whether in this thread, on Discord, or in a PM on forums, with any questions you may have about the topic in general, my experience, or just questions you’re afraid to ask someone else for fear of it being hurtful. Regardless of how stupid you think they may be , I am more than happy to talk with you about it - if you don’t have someone in your life that you feel comfortable talking to about these topics, I am very happy to fill that role. The best thing we can do for the trans community is to talk about it, especially in a constructive way. 

 

With much anxiety & relief, I’m ending this post. Thank you all for creating a community where I feel willing to come forward with this. 

 

Peace,

fishy

[Gustav 6,468]

Thank you for choosing to be open with us all here! I have a lot of respect for you for making this post.

 

This league is a place which absolutely needs to be a safe space for this type of thing--if we'd turn away anyone for any reason beyond their control, we cannot in good conscience call ourselves a welcoming and inclusive community. This applies to everything--race, gender, sexuality, age, you name it.

 

Best of wishes to you and a ton of respect. I hope things are going well for you and I hope you know we're here to help and listen if you need it.

[Quik 4,113]

Hey @fishy,

Very happy that you made this post, and that you used it to educate those around here who may not be as familiar with these issues. As Gus said, we cannot claim to be an open/accepting/safe community if those who are apart of it cannot be themselves. I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to not be able to be 100% yourself, so I’m happy that you feel comfortable enough in sharing your truths with everyone here and can feel free to be you. 
 

Thank you for posting this  

[Ricer13 2,823]

Fishy you’re a beast! Proud of you for coming out about this. I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to share this with our community as no one should be afraid to be them true self. You’ve only helped grow the reputation of the VHL as a diverse and welcoming community. 
 

You are always welcome in Miami!!!

[der meister 3,236]

I thought this was gonna be about the TPE you owe me.

[Dom 1,445]

Hey, we don’t know each others but you have all my respect for doing that post. I’m sure it was a stressful or even scary post for you and the truth is that it show how strong you are of a person. It takes a lot of courage to do that and you deserve to be respected

[BOOM 8,809]

Props to you Fishy. It probably wasn't an easy thing to do, but you won't have any trouble here. I'm sure we'll do our best to use the correct terminology as well. 

[DMaximus 1,046]

It breaks my heart that you or anyone else feels anxiety about talking about who they are. I'm so proud of you for being such a strong person that you can make this post and share who you are with this community. I'm sure people who read what you wrote can relate to your experience. The example you set through your words, your openness, your strength, have now made their worlds a little brighter and that is truly beautiful.

[fishy 1,757]

2 hours ago, GustavMattias said:

Thank you for choosing to be open with us all here! I have a lot of respect for you for making this post.

 

This league is a place which absolutely needs to be a safe space for this type of thing--if we'd turn away anyone for any reason beyond their control, we cannot in good conscience call ourselves a welcoming and inclusive community. This applies to everything--race, gender, sexuality, age, you name it.

 

Best of wishes to you and a ton of respect. I hope things are going well for you and I hope you know we're here to help and listen if you need it.

 

1 hour ago, Quik said:

Hey @fishy,

Very happy that you made this post, and that you used it to educate those around here who may not be as familiar with these issues. As Gus said, we cannot claim to be an open/accepting/safe community if those who are apart of it cannot be themselves. I can’t begin to imagine what it’s like to not be able to be 100% yourself, so I’m happy that you feel comfortable enough in sharing your truths with everyone here and can feel free to be you. 
 

Thank you for posting this  

 

1 hour ago, Ricer13 said:

Fishy you’re a beast! Proud of you for coming out about this. I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to share this with our community as no one should be afraid to be them true self. You’ve only helped grow the reputation of the VHL as a diverse and welcoming community. 
 

You are always welcome in Miami!!!

 

1 hour ago, domg5 said:

Hey, we don’t know each others but you have all my respect for doing that post. I’m sure it was a stressful or even scary post for you and the truth is that it show how strong you are of a person. It takes a lot of courage to do that and you deserve to be respected

 

24 minutes ago, BOOM™ said:

Props to you Fishy. It probably wasn't an easy thing to do, but you won't have any trouble here. I'm sure we'll do our best to use the correct terminology as well. 

 

19 minutes ago, Tate said:

Sometimes we’re afraid to bring up what we might think is a hard conversation because of how others will react. However, to find true peace and happiness it is important for us to do so.

 

I hope this bring you exactly that and I applaud you for being so open with the community. We have a good group here, yourself(ves) included. 
 

Much love 

 

8 minutes ago, DMaximus said:

It breaks my heart that you or anyone else feels anxiety about talking about who they are. I'm so proud of you for being such a strong person that you can make this post and share who you are with this community. I'm sure people who read what you wrote can relate to your experience. The example you set through your words, your openness, your strength, have now made their worlds a little brighter and that is truly beautiful.

 

I'm honestly so moved (and almost overwhelmed?!?!) by the positivity, support, and warmth you all have expressed. It means so much to me that, after all the worrying I did, this is the response I'm getting. I'm touched, I feel supported, and really, really proud of this league for preaching and practicing inclusivity.  

[bigAL 2,176]

Aw cool congrats fishy, making announcements like this are a really big step in anyone's journey of self-discovery. It's really freeing and empowering when you can get the rest of the world to treat you the same way you treat yourself. I'm happy and thankful you felt like you had a safe place to share the real fishy with us. It's a(nother) powerful reminder that we're all humans behind these profile pics, and our time here is better when we treat each other with respect and understand for who we are.

 

You did an awesome job of describing the gender spectrum in a way that's really accessible and easy to understand for people who are hearing this story for the first time. Thanks for being such an advocate and ambassador for non-binary gender experiences - not everyone could teach us all about these issues.

 

I'm thankful that the VHL is a place where you feel safe and comfortable enough to "come out" in a way to us. I'm really proud of the responses here too. Be kind to each other.

 

2 hours ago, fishy said:

refrain from using words like “girl,” “woman,” “girlfriend,”

"Partner" is a really good all-encompassing all inclusive word that my wife & I use instead of husband and wife even though we're both cis. My partner is going back to university next fall, it's really stressing her out. Non gender specific, not enforcing the hetero norms, just partners in life sorta thing.

 

& all

[Laine 1,361]

@fishy I am so happy that you decided to come out and talk about this. I'm sure there was a lot of nervous energy and stress thinking about how the community would react, but I appreciate your openness to share this with us. You are such a strong person to come out by yourself and do this. I have nothing but respect for you 

[Blazzer 759]

I'm not good with words but I'm happy that you put this out here. You're one of the strongest people I know as well and I'm very happy to know you. Mad respects for sharing this with us. Cheers

[fishy 1,757]

3 minutes ago, bigAL said:

"Partner" is a really good all-encompassing all inclusive word that my wife & I use instead of husband and wife even though we're both cis. My partner is going back to university next fall, it's really stressing her out. Non gender specific, not enforcing the hetero norms, just partners in life sorta thing

I had a discussion with one of my (very old, cis, white, hetero male) professors a couple years ago who had very strong opinions on using partner instead of __friend. Explaining it to him, it made me realize that using partner is honestly a much better representation of the relationship you build than just ___friend. 

 

He also asked why we ~young folk~ don't use "companion," and I think that word is also really poetic and adorable

[bigAL 2,176]

6 minutes ago, fishy said:

use "companion," and I think that word is also really poetic and adorable

omg he's right, why don't we?! Companion sounds like someone you take on a long walk on the beach and that's a great metaphor for who that person is. So poetic and adorable haha maybe it'll catch on and become fetch!

[tcookie 927]

@fishyI'm sure this wasn't an easy thing for you to do, and I'm really happy you felt like you could share this with us here. It's also awesome that you took this as an opportunity to educate; you did a great job of explaining what can a tricky subject for people who are unfamiliar with it in a way that is easily understandable. I'm proud of you for doing this, and happy that you are able to share the real you with us.

 

I'm also really happy to see the responses in both the VHL and EFL being so strongly supportive of you. Happy to be a part of such a great community.

[Jubis 1,350]

Way to go!  You're very strong and brave @fishy for doing this. I think in doing this you may motivate others do the same in the future. 

[Beketov 9,095]

Like @Blazzer  I’m not the best at emotional responses but I wanted to bring up a few important things here.

 

1. I’m glad you had the courage to do this but more importantly I’m glad you felt comfortable enough with the community to share this important part of yourself. There’s a good portion of our history where we were looked at, both internally and externally, as being not the most welcoming of places. We’ve been doing our best to change that and this kind of comfort, the comfort to freely be who you are, is important to us. So thank you.

 

2. Also thank you for the very detailed and well written explanation. Personally I have several non-binary friends so must if it I’ve known for a bit but this community is pretty vast so not everyone would have the same experiences and there may be a lot of members who would be confused.

 

3. On the note of confusion, we’ll do our best to make sure you, nor anyone else, has to deal with intentional hurtful comments as we always have. As you touched on, however, making that switch for some may be difficult. Luckily forums lend themselves well to this person pronouns already since gender isn’t implied in here so that helps... I’m rambling. My main point was that I hope, and your post gives every indication that it will be the case, you can be patient with those who are attempting to be respectful but may need an adjustment time. This is especially true for members who join after this and maybe will not have seen it. I may look into whether it’s possible to add a custom profile field for pronouns to help people.

 

Anyway, that got long winded but thank you for being you @fishy. I would never want anyone in the league to feel like they need to hide who they are.

[fishy 1,757]

2 hours ago, Beketov said:

I hope, and your post gives every indication that it will be the case, you can be patient with those who are attempting to be respectful but may need an adjustment time.

All I ask is that folks try. That's all! I think that the first step to asking someone to accommodate a request is to explain why you're making that request - that's why I spent the time on questions I was expecting and answered them to the best of my ability. I 100% understand that making the switch, especially to pronouns that feel odd to use intentionally, can be difficult. Hell, I've misgendered myself a couple times and been like, "ok, no, wait a minute." 

 

2 hours ago, Beketov said:

I may look into whether it’s possible to add a custom profile field for pronouns to help people.

I think this would be amazing. The default set of pronouns in this league that we use (unless you're @Esso2264 who simply doesn't use any pronouns to avoid being wrong) is he/him. Even for folks who use she/her, I think it'd be amazing to have a space to tell people how you want to be identified since it's not always clear elsewhere. 

[Blazzer 759]

2 hours ago, Beketov said:

Like @Blazzer  I’m not the best at emotional responses but I wanted to bring up a few important things here.

 

1. I’m glad you had the courage to do this but more importantly I’m glad you felt comfortable enough with the community to share this important part of yourself. There’s a good portion of our history where we were looked at, both internally and externally, as being not the most welcoming of places. We’ve been doing our best to change that and this kind of comfort, the comfort to freely be who you are, is important to us. So thank you.

 

2. Also thank you for the very detailed and well written explanation. Personally I have several non-binary friends so must if it I’ve known for a bit but this community is pretty vast so not everyone would have the same experiences and there may be a lot of members who would be confused.

 

3. On the note of confusion, we’ll do our best to make sure you, nor anyone else, has to deal with intentional hurtful comments as we always have. As you touched on, however, making that switch for some may be difficult. Luckily forums lend themselves well to this person pronouns already since gender isn’t implied in here so that helps... I’m rambling. My main point was that I hope, and your post gives every indication that it will be the case, you can be patient with those who are attempting to be respectful but may need an adjustment time. This is especially true for members who join after this and maybe will not have seen it. I may look into whether it’s possible to add a custom profile field for pronouns to help people.

 

Anyway, that got long winded but thank you for being you @fishy. I would never want anyone in the league to feel like they need to hide who they are.

This is what I wanted to say but couldn't put together. Thank you Bek

[Esso2264 774]

48 minutes ago, fishy said:

unless you're @Esso2264 who simply doesn't use any pronouns to avoid being wrong

fuck pronouns

[Bobo 514]

Thank you for being open about it. I will try my hardest to use the correct pronouns when referring to you. I know it must have been difficult to make this post, but we’re here for support. Congratulations, and best of luck to you going onward!!

[mediocrepony 1,216]

Thanks for sharing!  Im so glad you had the strength to do this and I feel like you shouldn't have to be worried about opening up about this but it's because of some fucking idiots that some people are worried about opening up. Congrats!

[Baozi 1,662]

100% behind you @fishy I just ask that you forgive me if I slip up with the pronouns. My mind defaults usually to genders but I am working on being conscious of those because sometimes I speak before I think.

[Baozi 1,662]

2 hours ago, Esso2264 said:

fuck pronouns

 

Quiet birb.

[eaglesfan036 4,605]

Congrats Fishy! My philosophy on these kinds of things is as long as someone's choices aren't actively hurting others I really don't care what they do - whether that is being homosexual, transgender, or having a 500 piece teletubby collection. Outside of remembering to be respectful of your choice of pronoun, I see no reason to treat you any differently than anyone else. Whether in real life or VHL, I have no idea why people get so offended by life choices of others that have 0 effect on them.