Reasons Why Malmo Will Be a Dumpster Fire Next Season [1/2]

[eaglesfan036 4,602]

 

Everyone who doesn't live under a rock (so everyone but Patrick Star) knows that there is a new sheriff in town in the European Conference, as the Moscow Menance had a historically great free agency haul, picking up the VHL's award winning best defensemen in Smitty Werbenmanjagermanjenson (I spelled this without looking, @flyersfan1453 let me know if this is accurate. Additionally, Moscow also acquired the best mascot in sports history in Gritty, who should immediately step in as a stud number 2 center for Moscow. But enough talking about how great Moscow is, let's start shitting on Malmo.

 

1) Winning a Cup is Not Malmo's #1 Goal

 

From the words of Malmo's GM, "Thompson has no regrets. We set him up better for his statistical needs. When he came in he literally said winning a cup was a bonus." Malmo spent the entirety of last season trying to pad one player's stats rather than focus on the true goal of winning a cup. Now that word of this is out, we predict that the Malmo locker room will riot, as management's decision to try to boost the stats of one player as an appallingly selfish decision. 

 

2) Speaking of Thompson - He is no longer on Malmo

 

In the words of Malmo's GM, "Having an elite playmaker helps tho." Thompson certainly was an elite player, but old age has caught up to him and he is currently spending his days in Moscow's finest retirement home (he secretly told me in confidence Moscow is his favorite city). While Moscow is gaining elite playmakers in free agency, Malmo is losing them to retirement. 

 

3) Lack of Depth

 

This is not the VHL of old, as increased salary cap and some excellent recruiting has led to teams being much deeper than usual. 30 seasons ago, Malmo would be considered a very deep team with 4 defensemen and 7 forwards, but that is no longer the case. There is a large gap in the skill difference between a bot and say a 300 tpe player, and Malmo will be paying the price any time they have to trot one of the scrubby bots out. 

 

4) Cup Losing Syndrome

 

A wise man once said, "The team that loses in the finals of a sporting event often does not meet expectations next season due to the emotional trauma of being so close and not making it." That wise man was me, but look at the #facts. I am a big NFL fan and after their dramatic collapse in the Super Bowl, the Falcons have been on a downard spiral. Ever since the Rams put up 3 points in the Super Bowl, their offense has not been the same, and they are hovering around .500. 

 

5) They no longer have the simmer on their team

 

Only kidding with this one, if I ever thought the simmers rigged I would just leave the league. While we are on the subject of sims, @Beketov, where are the sims? 

[Dil 1,760]

6 minutes ago, eaglesfan036 said:

While we are on the subject of sims, @Beketov, where are the sims? 

fuck off

[Gustav 6,407]

18 minutes ago, DilIsPickle said:

fuck off

Beat me to it

[zepheter 586]

SIMS.

[gorlab 4,321]

If Malmo didn't have the parts to get it done last season, they certainly don't have the parts to get it done now. 

[Dil 1,760]

6 minutes ago, GustavMattias said:

Beat me to it

I’ll beat you 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

off

[Gustav 6,407]

3 minutes ago, DilIsPickle said:

I’ll beat you 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

off

 

[Berocka 2,263]

46 minutes ago, eaglesfan036 said:

Everyone who doesn't live under a rock (so everyone but Patrick Star)

@DoktorFunk why is eaglesfan targeting you?

[Devise 4,475]

I love when you guys tempt STHS karma like this. Playoff live sims will be the justice of all. 

 

[Victor 10,940]

1 hour ago, Devise said:

I love when you guys tempt STHS karma like this. Playoff live sims will be the justice of all. 

 

The fuck you on

[diamond_ace 3,112]

Not only were you very wrong on Smitty (it's Werbenjagermanjensen) you opened parentheses and didn't close them.

[gorlab 4,321]

[NotAVHLM-GM 1,858]

2 hours ago, gorlab said:

 

Please explain the joke, i dont get it  

[gorlab 4,321]

2 minutes ago, OrbitingDeath said:

 

Please explain the joke, i dont get it  

 

I'm not exactly sure I get it either.

[FrostBeard 2,049]

 

This is the most brilliant post every written on VHL Forums. I can't agree more. This is on the same level for me as The Communist Manifesto!

[Gustav 6,407]

1 hour ago, gorlab said:

 

I'm not exactly sure I get it either.

I don't get it at all, but I like it anyway.

[NotAVHLM-GM 1,858]

34 minutes ago, GustavMattias said:

I don't get it at all, but I like it anyway.

 

It's a big on the large side, but two gorlab signatures for one player. I feel blessed.

[DoktorFunk 810]

Quality read.

[Advantage 2,891]

Moscow trying to become the rival when Seattle has that shit on lock eh @Banackock

 

Also holy words out of context   The playmaker I talked about was Sullivan and the first quote was to me saying Beketov didnt expect us to be that good last year.

[Victor 10,940]

13 hours ago, Advantage said:

Moscow trying to become the rival when Seattle has that shit on lock eh @Banackock

Rivals can win playoff games against each other.

[Advantage 2,891]

17 minutes ago, Victor said:

Rivals can win playoff games against each other.

So make the playoffs this year and we will talk.

[Victor 10,940]

1 hour ago, Advantage said:

So make the playoffs this year and we will talk.

No one wants to be rivals with some sickly eagles.

[eaglesfan036 4,602]

2 hours ago, Advantage said:

So make the playoffs this year and we will talk.

Same to you. I dont see any room for malmo in the playoffs

[Advantage 2,891]

54 minutes ago, eaglesfan036 said:

Same to you. I dont see any room for malmo in the playoffs

 sure man

[eaglesfan036 4,602]

53 minutes ago, Advantage said:

 sure man

Ill get you some popcorn when malmo is watching the playoffs