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Reasons Why Malmo Will Be a Dumpster Fire Next Season [1/2]


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Everyone who doesn't live under a rock (so everyone but Patrick Star) knows that there is a new sheriff in town in the European Conference, as the Moscow Menance had a historically great free agency haul, picking up the VHL's award winning best defensemen in Smitty Werbenmanjagermanjenson (I spelled this without looking, @flyersfan1453 let me know if this is accurate. Additionally, Moscow also acquired the best mascot in sports history in Gritty, who should immediately step in as a stud number 2 center for Moscow. But enough talking about how great Moscow is, let's start shitting on Malmo.


1) Winning a Cup is Not Malmo's #1 Goal


From the words of Malmo's GM, "Thompson has no regrets. We set him up better for his statistical needs. When he came in he literally said winning a cup was a bonus." Malmo spent the entirety of last season trying to pad one player's stats rather than focus on the true goal of winning a cup. Now that word of this is out, we predict that the Malmo locker room will riot, as management's decision to try to boost the stats of one player as an appallingly selfish decision. 


2) Speaking of Thompson - He is no longer on Malmo


In the words of Malmo's GM, "Having an elite playmaker helps tho." Thompson certainly was an elite player, but old age has caught up to him and he is currently spending his days in Moscow's finest retirement home (he secretly told me in confidence Moscow is his favorite city). While Moscow is gaining elite playmakers in free agency, Malmo is losing them to retirement. 


3) Lack of Depth


This is not the VHL of old, as increased salary cap and some excellent recruiting has led to teams being much deeper than usual. 30 seasons ago, Malmo would be considered a very deep team with 4 defensemen and 7 forwards, but that is no longer the case. There is a large gap in the skill difference between a bot and say a 300 tpe player, and Malmo will be paying the price any time they have to trot one of the scrubby bots out. 


4) Cup Losing Syndrome


A wise man once said, "The team that loses in the finals of a sporting event often does not meet expectations next season due to the emotional trauma of being so close and not making it." That wise man was me, but look at the #facts. I am a big NFL fan and after their dramatic collapse in the Super Bowl, the Falcons have been on a downard spiral. Ever since the Rams put up 3 points in the Super Bowl, their offense has not been the same, and they are hovering around .500. 


5) They no longer have the simmer on their team


Only kidding with this one, if I ever thought the simmers rigged I would just leave the league. While we are on the subject of sims, @Beketov, where are the sims? 

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6 minutes ago, GustavMattias said:

Beat me to it

I’ll beat you 












































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3 minutes ago, DilIsPickle said:

I’ll beat you 













































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