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My very first attempt with messing with Photoshop doing hockey related things.

C H I L D H O O D Kirk Lazarus was born in Goose Creek, South Carolina. He didn't grow up with a rich family, nor a poor one. Son to a single father in the Air Force. And proud owner of a little golden retriever. Living in the south, Kirk grew playing football and baseball, and in the distant future wrestling. Hockey wasn't even a thought to him. Kirk grew up like every other kid in the South. Learned how to hunt, fish, go camping and every once in a while help his dad out with the car. Kirk was into video games too, eventually video games would lead him to the internet. He didn't find much time for the internet, but when he did he would play some sort of online game like Runescape. (He wouldn't know it at the time but he'd waste a lot of time on that game). His homepage was Yahoo, and on there he would read the headlines on current events and the such. It was here when he learned about the mysterious green men of the now defunct Vancouver Canucks. He learned of their cup run, and their success throughout the regular season. Interested? No. Not at all. He turned off the computer and went outside to play with his buddies. Kirk and I would go through our child hood mostly playing outside playing kickball or frisbee. Sometimes going around the neighborhood shooting Nerf guns at each other and making elaborate situations out of them. Video gaming would become more and more frequent now. Travel baseball became a thing for Kirk, starting pitcher and sometimes 2nd base. He'd never admit it but he didn't really like baseball, he did did it just for his dad. H I G H S C H O O L Going through middle school, Kirk was one of the more popular kids in his year. He played sports, girls loved athletes. Kirk Lazarus was the guy "supposedly" named after Robert Downey Jr.'s character in Tropic Thunder. That was one of his pet peeves going through adolescence. Lazarus was an alright student. Wasn't the smartest but he did fine. Kirk would take college level courses and didn't have any serious thoughts about college. He thought about the military a few times, his dad turned out alright after his 20 years. Retire at 38, monthly retirement checks, sweet military perks like the GI Bill etc. Kirk had stopped playing baseball for a while, actually quit during spring practice to much everyone's surprise. Played as a tight end freshman year during high school, Kirk ended up going all the way to the state championships, but got blown out of water by his rival school. Losing hurts, and so did playing football. Hockey still wasn't really a thing yet. His school didn't actually have hockey funded by the school. Hockey was actually a club, a club where you would pay $500 to play. Kirk didn't really have much money anyways because of all of his football equipment. He didn't really have any money to begin with. His cleats actually belonged to his neighbor who had outgrown them, boy did they smell like ass. The hockey club's season was only about 16 games, not too much. They played every Friday night at the Ice Palace and practiced every weekend. Conditioning every Saturday, and some technical stuff on Sunday. You're probably wondering why Kirk decided to join the hockey club. Well why does anyone do anything at all? It was for a girl. There was this fine ass Canadian girl who came to his school during the end of his freshman year. It's funny cause she's got this weird accent, and she can't say "about", and anything with the letter "O" sounded funny. She really likes hockey and playing soccer. Kirk decided that hockey was probably the lesser evil. He had this slight disdain for one of the guys on the soccer team, guy was in his English class in fourth period, super annoying. Her name was Molly, and she used to be a midfielder for soccer at her old school. She likes to watch One Tree Hill and shows like Grey's Anatomy. Sometimes they would study together, they of course would get sidetracked a little bit and the conversation would be about hockey or something. She used to be a Habs fan before the NHL disappeared from the face of the Earth. Kirk told her something stupid. He told her that he played hockey, and he damn well didn't. But he'd learn for her. Skating was the hard part, or maybe it wasn't. I actually don't know. I know that Kirk was skating every morning down at the rink, about a hour a day. He did it for a while, a long while. I think he hired a skating coach at some point too, but then I moved away for a year. By the time I came back he was probably the best skater I had ever seen, Molly and him were dating and he was was the captain of the school's club. He had gotten a bit bigger too, I like to joke about him getting fatter, but he could probably kill me with one punch. Watching him play was a whole other story though, I watched him in the season opener during junior year record 4 goals. It was wild, I was screaming and the small crowd was going in too. I thought it was going to be a lot more violent, Kirk only had one hit or two hits throughout the game. It's whatever though. By the time junior year was over, Kirk had set some crazy records at the high school level and was having meetings with college scouts and offers from the USHL like every day. And by the time senior year was over, he had broke his own records and received a few offers from the VHLM. I'm pretty sure he was going straight into the VHLM and skip college altogether. And I was just sitting around playing video games planning on joining the Air Force like his dad, I didn't really want to go to school either. After graduation, Kirk moved to Nevada, I didn't know it at the time but he accepted an offer from the Las Vegas Aces. I think he actually proposed to Molly around the same time. I'm not sure he's been pretty hush hush about it. Me and the guys like to dog on him about it, and I mean we're teenagers why are you getting engaged and all that? I love Molly and all that, but I think it might be a mistake, I don't know. But here I am, being his biographer and he's making millions... I really, really hope he pays me for doing this.

@Higgins

With the New York Americans selling off their players and entering a rebuild, the Quebec City Meute have quickly become the favorite in the North American Conference. As players like Diana Maxwell, Essian Ravenwing, MT Power, and Phil Shankly all make their way across the Atlantic, Quebec’s main core of skaters is only improving. Could this be their year? The Meute are coming off of two straight finals losses to Helsinki and could possibly meet them there again if the Titans are able to hold off stiff competition from Davos and Riga. Meanwhile, a possible challenged has stepped up in North America. The young Toronto Legion, who just barely missed the playoffs despite a solid season from Bo Boeser, have burst out of the gate - undefeated in their first eight games. But we’re still just days into the season and the momentum seems likely to shift back into Quebec’s favor soon as Toronto begins to play more of the top teams later on into the schedule. The Meute are appearing stronger than ever, as they’ll look again to the ever-consistent Apollo Skye along with a reinvigorated offense boosted by the addition of Pietro Maximoff. Captain Fabio Jokinen has remained a unifying presence in the locker room and will hope he can lead the team to glory.

Welp, first goal first game, time to put up the skates boys.

C H A R L E S TO N H O C K E Y N E W S I S S U E N O . 1 On August 12th, 2017 our very own Charlestonite, Kirk Lazarus was given several offers to join the Victory Hockey League Minors, or the VHLM for short. A small stepping stone for many aspiring hockey players before the pros. Lazarus has had a short hockey career playing only at the high school level for only 3 of the 4 years. He's shown great promise over the years, receiving attention from other minor league scouts as well as scouts from the NCAA. Yesterday Lazarus, made that leap forward and joined the ranks of the Las Vegas Aces. The Aces made it to the finals back to back, winning the championship during their first appearance. Hopes are high for Lazarus and our local hockey community in Charleston. Just last week a going away party was held for Lazarus prior to him making a decision on his future, family, friends and all to send him off. At the party the young Lazarus proposed to his girlfriend of 3 years. The future of Kirk Lazarus seems bright and we wish him the best of luck on his journey to the VHL, and include him in our prayers. We'd also like to include that us at home our routing for the Las Vegas Aces. Good luck, Kirk.

OTTAWA,ONTARIO - A strong Ottawa Lynx roster has gotten even deeper. Earlier this week, right wing X-Wing @Aliciousness declared for the VHLM. After quick negotiations between X-Wing and the Ottawa management team, the young winger decided to join the team. With a roster already boasting some top end talent, X-Wing's addition will provide solid depth on what will most likely be the second line. Jeff Gow later added: "It's always exciting to add some new blood to the team, especially someone who isn't entirely familiar with our league. Our first reaction was that the guy's name was a little weird, but it became quickly apparent that he's just one of the guys. We all just call him X or X-Wing. I'm not sure what type of player he wants to be, but he seems to have the raw talent and the drive to be successful. I guess you could say we're looking for him to be our X-factor." @cosbornballboy

Most of you only know me by my blue persona on the VHL forums, but that's about to change. You can join the Victory Hockey League discord to see my amazing personality, it will be like looking behind the commissioner mask I have worn for eternity. If that's not a top notch sales pitch I don't know what is. If you have never used discord before, well google it, download it if you want or use it in browser. It's basically a dedicated chat room. If enough people join it could become a good resource to have to keep people active and what not. Come join us on discord here; https://discord.gg/YbkBPss

Before After @Beketov

Welcome back to Annoyance Analytics. Where I asses the probability of Ko Kane playing for each franchise in the so called league we call the VHL. I will try to keep this down to a minimum because why put effort into this. More than I already have. I actually did research this week. I Robbie Zimmers actually put some thought into something I am doing. Wow! Anyways first on the list is New York yet again for another week. New York well what can I say here. There is a massive rebuild happening here and the team has a competent GM in place to bring them out of the rebuild very quickly. But the rebuild also has a negative effects on the numbers because I don’t want to have two players on teams locked into rebuilds. This is why some numbers have taken big hits. Team drops -49 because there is no team, RFOF +36, UFA Fuckery +14 and signing -9. But the GM respect +15, Location +1, love +10 see gains. They drop a mind blowing 83 points but still stay on top the list with 276. They have a 1 point lead on the next team. This race has now become interesting. Calgary takes over Cologne as the 2nd team on the list which may shock some people. But there is a process that I cannot ignore and I have to respect it. Most numbers stayed the same on the list but small gains at Love +5 and Signing of a miniscule .022 coupled with drops in negative things like RFOF -5, UFA Fuckery -5 the team overall see’s gains of +15.022 points to sit at 275. Cologne… I don’t know where to begin with you. I think you guys are getting cocky just thinking my ego will make me automatically play for you. Sure you have V2A, but he is in the last year of his contract and I just as easily can pull him out of Cologne and sign with the team that drafts Ko Kane (if they need a goalie) My point here is don’t be cocky. That D needs massive help. Sure Ko Kane would be a massive back there but that’s if Ko Kane falls to you. You guys took massive hits on Team -13, Location -19, Hate +29, Love -3, RFOF +20, UFA 20. But with those drops are met with gains of me wanting to sign there +28.466 points. I feel a loyalty to this team that I have not experienced since Vegas and NY. So they stay pretty high on the list and edge out Helsinki by just .29 points. Watch out guys. Davos takes a massive leap from last week. I mean massive. With small gains at Gm of 0.003. But pushers like with 21 points for Team, 40 points for love and 22.6 points for signing and being drafted by. Location took a dip of 6 points but that’s a meh stat, don’t read into it much, Hate took a deep dip of 19 which is a good thing but a alarming thing is the RFOF climbed 10.01 points. What does this all mean? Well the team is filled with guys that I actually like to be on a team with. @TheLastOlympian07 is a great guy, @Ahma that lizard lover, @Green that cocksucker is a good guy and the list goes on. Those guys helped this team jump up the list by a ton. They now sit at 221.71 point opposed to last week’s 110.997 which are gains of 110.713 points. Davos makes a strong push to make the race from a 3 horse race to 4. Helsinki sees a drop in respect for the GM because well… he runs the league so it has to go down like whore on a cock. Yes you can quote that. Hate rise a staggering 13 points because of Rudi Ying @punkhippie. Why? Because his agent is fucking V2A with shit awful D, but having said that my overall indifference for Ying’s agent and because Ying played for MY ACES! (Yes mine, they will always be mine) my love for the team rises 14 points to 44. When it comes to the RFOF it rises slightly because of Ying to a 50.12 which means I am slightly to fuck the team over than stay with them. Come on this isn’t Davos with my boy TLO. UFA fuckery see’s small gains but so does me wanting to be drafted by them and sign with them. With an overall 4.088 gain for Helsinki. So they are slowly gaining ground. Can they really make this a 5 horse race for Ko Kane? With another week of gains who knows. Toronto another team that kind of puzzles me. I live in the city so the location value is high but also my hate for the city brings up the Hate to balance it out. The city is where my son is growing up and the all the shows and movies I work on are within the city so the love is effected but this is an online league so it really doesn’t matter to me. They see some gains but also see dips that lead to an overall dip of -41.998. You might be in the green but it would be advisable to not draft Ko Kane. Quebec… A team that I feel deserves better. They have guys like @tfong, @jRuutu and @Green which should help the team leaps and bounds but. I just plainly hate Quebec. The city and the province the only thing that is good that came out of there is Poutine. GM +5 and Team +55 push the team in the right direction but then dips like Hate (Quebec in general) +55, RFOF +28, UFA Fuckery +5, Draft and Signing -1 push the team to the cusp of 0. They sit at a +1 which is shocking for a team that gets a 40 for drafting and signing. Seattle hey! You aren’t second last anymore! Aint that some shit. While that is a positive thing don’t let it get to your head. One if not the only reason why is because Riga stalled out and took a nose dive. You also took a dip this week of -11.72 points which is the wrong direction kind of because even though you dipped this week you gained a spot up. So gain by losses? Riga you were sitting god damn high last week. Got excited didn’t you? Well… welcome back to earth. You take huge losses after I did some looking into shit. After doing some hard digging (not really hard but fuck you) You take an ass raping on Team -43.99 which could have been much worse but guys like @Philhelp it stay where it is. Location -11, Love -2.5, RFOF +49, UFA Fuckey +60, Draft -35 and signing -44.524 are massive losses that the team may never recover from. They are in freefall mode. This is not because of one player. I point out the hate 20, and Love 10 are too high if it really was about him. It was bound to happen when players I thought were on the team and found out they were not. Riga takes a huge dip of -261.014 points to end up at -55. Stockholm. Hey here is a positive. You are the only team on the list to not take a loss at anything, your numbers stayed the same because the list cannot and will not allow you drop below the bottom of -300. Do not draft me, do not talk to me, enjoy your shitty team. For Ko Kane

Your first mistake is being from Vancouver. Unless you're Asian

Player InformationUsername: AlphaHawkenFull Name: Zach WeisePosition: Left WingAge: 18Handedness: RightRecruited By/From: Reddit /u/travworldWould you like an experienced member to mentor you? YesPlayer AttributesTotal Points Earned: 30CK = Checking: 40FG = Fighting: 40DI = Discipline: 40SK = Skating: 50ST = Strength: 40PH = Puck Handling: 45FO = Face Offs: 40PA = Passing: 40SC = Scoring: 50DF = Defense: 45PS = Penalty Shot: 40EX = Experience: 40LD = Leadership: 40OtherJersey Number: 27Height (inches): 71 Weight (lbs.): 189Birthplace: MinneapolisAwardsCareer StatsPlayer MovementPast Players

Here's the gif process, if someone wonders

Welcome back. Hope you stick around this time.

oh fuck

Oh shit my boi Kirk is on the second line? ayy

I've got this recorded, but the wireless adapter on my laptop is shitting the bed, so I'll have to upload it when I get back from work tomorrow

Ike Arkander Rookie Profile Name: Ike Arkander Age: 18 Hometown: Ostervala, Sweden H/W: 6’3”, 202 lbs. Brief Background The 5th Generation of player representation STZ Agency was announced last off-season as goaltender Ike Arkander of Ostervala, Sweden. This is the first non-North American player from this agency, and the second goalie in a row to be represented. Arkander is virtually an unknown before this signing, as he was an amatuer player, with very little potential upside - considered not a future full-time hockey player. However, he had a solid season last year, and seemingly has the green light from the STZ Agency which has turned heads. He becomes the New York Americans first prospect in their rebuild, and is already being projected as an elite starting goalie in the VHL. There are a lot of question marks when it comes to this kid, and this is the first every scouting report released on the Swede Goalie. Strengths Agency Pedigree - There’s a precedent set for players coming out of the STZ Player Agency. All four of the previous players represented have been bonafide VHL All-Stars. While there’s very little known about Arkander, the tout that this agency has has given more scouts an indication that this player could be the real deal. In fact, some scouts are grading Arkander at an A, before the season, when most scouts hadn’t even watched a single game from Ike. Reaction Time - Arkander has VHL-ready Reaction Time. He is very quick on his feet, and stood out in the VHLM Draft Combine. He’s very skilled in tracking the puck, and anticipating the next move of his opponent. Hand Speed - While Arkander is overall very strong in the quickness and Reaction Time category, it is his Hand Speed which really emphasizes on this attribute. He is able to make that flashy save to turn momentum into his team’s favour. The early scouting report is to put pucks low and go for the rebound - not because he gives up juicy rebounds, but because he is too good with his glove. Weaknesses Size - Arkander needs to fill out to be an elite VHL Starting Goalie who can win championships. This is somewhat out of his control, and he must just do what he can to build muscle and put himself in the best possible situation when the time comes to graduate. New York has hired some strength and conditioning coaches, as well as a personal nutritionist to help Ike efficiently bulk up. NYA has shown serious commitment to this player as an investment. Penalty Shot - This is a skill that he just hasn’t practiced, as he has never been exposed to a penalty shot, in game. It will be a true test to see if he can adapt to the VHL game. Very Little Scouting Reports - The unknown scares some scouts. However, GM of the Americans trusts this player as he made him the Franchise Player under the GM rule. Arkander is a very raw talent, but on the flip side there are not many who know how to beat him as there isn’t much information about him. There is a fear that this is a gamble for NYA, and the transition from amatuer to VHL is just too much for him to handle.

KOMAROV!!! Side note, stupid Ying kept on scoring last year when he was supposed to be a passer, and Gudnason racking up the assists when he's supposed to be a sniper

Fuck Sasky, and fuck Brodeur

Welcome back! Any questions post them here or send me a private message

I just got a fucking hat trick!? As a dman!?

First goal for @RadiatedGold and first two points for @haffiedq. Shame about the loss but good to see new guys getting their firsts.

Given how many good teams the franchise has had since the Kellinger/Rift teams, it's a bit surprising that Quebec actually has the longest non-Stockholm title drought in the league. S35 is it for Quebec titles.

He wants to be next to the holy emperor Trudeau

Let's hope @jRuutu can stay on the ice first

There you go @Beaviss, finally scores a signing with his wonderful pitch of playing next to Parliament

r/wildhockey

Did not tag, will still ask! Casey Jones is off to a great start with Vegas, were you surprised to be doing this well this early on in the season? Vegas have also brought in a lot of first-gen Free Agents this season, Calder O'Callahan, Matt Clyde, Shelton Kenzie and Kirk Lazarus. What are your thoughts on these players early on in their career?

It's not the best example because he's a mid-range TPE inactive, but AK47 is playing LW right now and he's a RW. He has 11 points in 8 games.

Check the award name for most assists, I'll feed them goals all day long!

Getting off to a great start, bud.

What the hell @jRuutu

The King has spoken!

Yeah. The only different claim things are for the Career PTs of course, like the Path to the Draft, Biography, etc. Quotes and PTs, you only have to do 1 per week for 2 players.

Sex

CPU's > Helsinki. Feels good man.

Not still lost. Finally lost you mean

The only place that checkbox exists is in the All-Star Game simulation tab. I'm not sure it ever existed anywhere else. As per the original question, I honestly don't know. There's no obvious flag of a penalty for being out of position, and there's not even clear anecdotal evidence after 55 seasons. We've always just assumed so, so no one's really tried. For what it's worth, Bunclewirth played a lot of center and RW in his first few seasons, and he was the shit.

Welcome and good luck. I'm sure as stated above, if you have any Q's, ask me or someone for some A's

For the sake of the VHL. Hopefully it doesn't eat up board activity though.. something I hate about the SHL is that the LR's and shit are dead..

Good work Dollar, doing it the right way!

187 is street code for murder homie, you gonna get capped now

He put in all the leg work and has the active reddit account with a good reputation. Only fair to get rewarded.

Yeah I don't see why not. I mean you did go out of your play to post these and come up with better ideas on how to do these posts on reddit

After a good draft from one of the deepest draft classes in VHLM history the Las Vegas Aces are looking to turn their fortunes around after a less the stellar season last year. We went player by player and broke down the Ace's roster looking ahead at S57. Shawn Broduer: Projected role - Starting G @TheLastOlympian07 It is said by many great men in this league that to build a winner, you build from the net out. The Las Vegas Aces have a strong foundation in Shawn Broduer. His quick glove, strong fundamentals, and great rebound control made him stand out as an obvious first round choice. Scouts report being nervous when ever he left the net and occasional shoot out losses as his only cons, but the rest of this goalies game more than makes up for any percieved faults. If the Ace's are going to win you can be sure to look at Broduer to find the reason why. Sergi Komarov: Projected role - 1st line C @Gooningitup Leading the way for the Aces is center Sergi Komarov. Sergi Komarov is the Russian Machine that never breaks. A hulking, offensive center ice man, he can use his high end speed and obvious strength to muscle his way to high percentage scoring areas and use his deadly shot to bury the puck. while his passing and puck handling may leave some to desire, you can expect Komarov to lead the Aces in goals, points, shots, and possibly hits come seasons end. Rask Rowe: Projected role - 2nd line C @Rowe89 Vegas boasts strength down the center of their line up thanks to the one-two punch of Komarov and Rask Rowe. A Cologne Express draft pick, if Rowe stays with the Aces you can expect him to be the star of the second line. Rowe brings a very well balanced game to the ice with a particular knack for tape to tape passes, and taking the body defensively. While he may not put up large goal numbers, Rowe's abilities make him a top line option and he is sure to produce where ever he is placed in the line up. Casey Jones: Projected role - Top paring D @der meister Jones will be carrying the offense from the Ace's back end this year. A 2nd round pick in this years VHLM draft, his defensive skills are often surpassed by an offensive game some forwards only dream of. Jones' speed helps his team make quick break outs and his shot from the point has been described by some as "snipes" and "holy crap!". Being the sole offensive threat on Las Vegas' defense, you can expect Jones to get big power play minutes and put up impressive numbers for a defense man. Mike Szatkowski III: Projected role - 1st line LW @Mike Picked 14th overall in the third round of this years VHLM draft, Mike Szatkowski III is speed and scoring incarnate. He comes from a long line of VHL stars, soon to be joining 2 relatives of his same name sake in their VHL dynasty. He can skate circles around defenders, and the puck has such a knack for finding the net from his stick you would swear he bent the puck like a bullet in Wanted. Scouts mentioned his passing and defensive game could use improvement, but his game will develop in time over what is sure to be a long VHL career. All in all the season looks to be very promising for a deep Las Vegas hockey team after a strong draft by GM @Tagger. Only time will tell how far they can go, will this be a Championship year in Vegas? The hotel industry certainly hopes so.

Would have been better with the vector version of the logos